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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with in laws always asking me?!

259 replies

NickNacks · 18/11/2016 19:45

DH owns a mobile phone.

In laws even have his number.

He answers and replies to messages to that number.

However every question is directed at me? What shall we get the dc for Christmas being the latest one. Argh. Ask him! I can't imagine for one second my aunt or brother or mum texting DH to ask our plans for new year. Isn't it sexist? Aibu?

OP posts:
WouldHave · 18/11/2016 20:11

How do you respond when they text? Surely if you reply every time "No idea, ask DH" they'll stop bothering pretty quickly.

RedYellowPinkandGreen · 18/11/2016 20:13

I've been separated nearly four months and my exPIL are still asking me. In fact a month after separation they wanted to know the plan for exHs birthday and his collar size!

Potatoooooo · 18/11/2016 20:16

Haha this is like the polar opposite of what used to be my situation.

If I had a problem, MIL would make sure to talk to DH about it, even if it was a personal issue to do with me and her... she once rang him to tell him that she would continue suggest how we parent our daughters, this was after I'd confronted her and told her it was upsetting.
Everything always went through DH after that, every time she wanted to come around to see DD she would arrange via DH, baring in mind DH works overseas.

RedYellowPinkandGreen · 18/11/2016 20:16

SpeckledyBanana I got a reminder of exSILs bday!

ManaFleet · 18/11/2016 20:16

CherrySoup You don't have your MIL's phone number, nor she yours? Even if you don't particularly like your husband's family, that's really bloody weird.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 18/11/2016 20:18

I don't mind Mil asking me as although dp could maybe answer what dd's would like I might have already bought it or asked my family to get it.

I certainly don't consider my dp useless or an asshat for not knowing what dd's would like for Christmas - I spent more time with them while he is at work so they are more likely to point out to me what they'd like :)

DollopofTrollop · 18/11/2016 20:18

My in laws always ask me!!! Doesn't bother me !

ChimpyChops · 18/11/2016 20:19

Why wouldn't MIL have their DILs numbers? I have mine as we chat fairly often. If something comes up and I need to know if they can babysit, I text them or if I am popping into town, I see if they are about for a coffee sometimes.

OH and I are both involved in dealing with telling them who wants what for Christmas, they know to ask him first though, sometimes I just take over it as he is at work or I see something ideal for the children.
My mum and OH have each others numbers too as sometimes he needs to contact her (like when I was in labour) or if I am work and she needs to pop by for something (not very often!).
Sorry, derailed slightly but I am genuinely confused as to why this is so confusing lol.

JassyRadlett · 18/11/2016 20:20

But would all these men actually know what their DC want for Christmas? Surely they'd have to come and ask you anyway?

No. You see, some of us made the active choice not to marry gormless numpties. Grin

I don't know any men who'd go running to wifey if anyone asked what their kids like, or would like as a gift. DH knows the kids as well as I do and would be horrified at the idea he should defer to someone else on the issue. And my FIL is the absolute best I know at choosing thoughtful, appropriate presents for everyone.

AmysTiara · 18/11/2016 20:20

I can imagine some posters on fuming if their MIL only asked her son what the children wanted. MIL would be accused of ignoring the mother, undermining her and various other crimesHmm

PurpleAlerts · 18/11/2016 20:21

My SiL does this- "You have remembered DBiLs birthday next week?"
"Er- no he's not my brother-ask DH..."

Happyhippy45 · 18/11/2016 20:21

My MIL does the same to me. Whenever she phones she'll speak to DH for a short while and then he asks her "do you want to speak to Happy?"
Drives me nuts. I should do the same to him when my mum phones.........

Bestthingever · 18/11/2016 20:22

At least your ILs respect you enough to ask you. Mine would rather cut their tongues off than communicate with me directly!

BaldricksTrousers · 18/11/2016 20:26

Yanbu
I am my DH's secretary. I'm the one that remembers the birthdays, holidays, cards, gifts. It is a thankless job. In fact one year at Xmas I spent ages and lots of energy getting great gifts for the PIL's....my DH wrapped them and wrote the labels, and FIL kept thanking him and only him! Finally I got so fucked off that I cried "DH did NOTHING! Don't thank him!" Overreaction yes but it was years of gift and card purchasing and posting that had made me explode!

TrueColoursShining · 18/11/2016 20:26

I get this. Multiple emails about every single item they're considering buying.

This year I directed them to DH, who told them to get running shoes for DS.

Next thing, an email to me asking which of these hundreds of pairs of running shoes they should get.

I replied saying they'd be better off getting them fitted in a shop than ordering online.

Response: please could I take DS to a sports shop to choose some and they'll give me the money.

Erm, how about you ask your son?!

(DH and I both work btw)

stillwantrachelshair · 18/11/2016 20:28

MIL does this & it infuriates me. However, she has always been a housewife with a husband who worked six days a week and her parents had a similar set up. She can't quite compute that as DH and I work similar hours, our lives are very different.

Seren85 · 18/11/2016 20:29

It would drive me mad. My grandparents (paternal) do it to my Mum. She tells them off when it gets ridiculous but they start again. When I first moved in with now-DH his Mum tried it. Bearing in mind that I adore my PIL and actively choose to socialise with them etc but no, I am not a secretary so if she wants to know what shift he's working next weekend or if he's remembered his Aunties birthday then she can ask him directly. She cottoned on quickly.

canihaveacoffeeplease · 18/11/2016 20:29

PA hahahaha this is the total opposite with my family, I am utterly hopeless with my phone, my family tend to call DH who always has his in him, gives me messages to call them back in the evening!

Imissmy0ldusername · 18/11/2016 20:30

As soon as DH & I got engaged, it was apparent that because the women in the family managed everything, I was going to take on that role. It's not really worked as they'd expected. Mostly because if I'm not a big talker, especially on the telephone, and they aren't big texters. My family can go months without talking (don't get me wrong, if something important is ocurring, we get it sorted, with a communication chain of command and everything!), it suits all of us. I suspect things with DH's family might ramp up should we have DC, but that's highly unlikely at our age, so perhaps we have reached a good balancing point.

OP, I wish you luck - and just keep handing the phone over to DH!

gillybeanz · 18/11/2016 20:32

I don't see the problem tbh.
Me and dh always talked it over and if ils or my parents asked, either one would tell them, depending who they got first.
This year I have told ils what to get.

princesspineapple · 18/11/2016 20:32

My in-laws do this too. Apparently since meeting me they think DP doesn't have a phone, a diary or an opinion.
I've spent five years trying to get them to understand I am not his secretary. We're now at the point if anything needs sorting out, they text/ring me, I say "Have you asked him?" and they go away and arrange with him, then call me back to confirm all the details "in case he forgets".
One day, they will cut out the middle woman. One day.

ragz134 · 18/11/2016 20:32

I get this. MIL comes to me about everything (wifework?) as does SIL especially asking what DH wants etc. DH has only bought about 3 gifts for his relatives in the last 10 years. All my own fault, I should never have started. He must have managed before we got together! Of course it began with me doing it all as I was at home and he was working but last year I worked full time while he was part time and I still did all the gift related stuff.
I mentioned the other day I would appreciate help with the gift buying, even just suggestions for his relatives... Got arsey like it was a huge imposition. Not like I enjoy it! Unfortunately, I think his family like me more than him (history there) so it is hard to distance myself from the role of in-law coordinator.

Secretsandlies222 · 18/11/2016 20:33

I have to say, Cherry, I think it's really odd that you think it's strange that people have their in-laws' number. Surely it's a natural development- even if only in case of an emergency.

CaptainBrickbeard · 18/11/2016 20:33

My DH emailed me a list today of all the presents we are buying the kids and where we are getting them in order to take advantage of the best prices and offers. He will order them. I'll wrap them. He's not abnormal, he pays attention to his own children.

Aderyn2016 · 18/11/2016 20:37

I could bitch with the best of them about my ils, but even I'm struggling to see how you can criticise someone for wanting to buy something nice and appropriate for your dc and dh. They ask you because they think you know them best.

My dh hasn't got a clue about the kid's Christmas presents and I object to someone calling him an asshat because of it. He is a loving, involved dad, who busts his arse to get home for parent's evenings, helps the kids with hwk, takes them to the park, talks to them and is fully a part of their lives. I like to shop, am good at it and have time to bargain hunt. Dh not doing the Christmas shopping says nothing about him as a parent.

I also think it is normal to have ILs phone numbers and speak to them occasionally. And yy to the poster who said there would be an outcry on here if ILs bypassed the mother and made all arrangements with their son to see the dgc!