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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with in laws always asking me?!

259 replies

NickNacks · 18/11/2016 19:45

DH owns a mobile phone.

In laws even have his number.

He answers and replies to messages to that number.

However every question is directed at me? What shall we get the dc for Christmas being the latest one. Argh. Ask him! I can't imagine for one second my aunt or brother or mum texting DH to ask our plans for new year. Isn't it sexist? Aibu?

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/11/2016 21:59

My dh is not an asshat (what is that?) or any other variety of arse, and he'd never have known what dds wanted for Christmas.

pictish · 18/11/2016 23:15

"I find it very odd that so many in-laws have their dil's or sil's number. My parents certainly don't have my DH's number, nor his mine."

What? Just...what??

abbsisspartacus · 18/11/2016 23:20

My ex inlaws used to message me telling me to ask him x or ask him y I really wanted to message them back ask him yourselves!

pictish · 18/11/2016 23:28

Oh and on the subject...I used to get annoyed by dh's aunt phoning me to tell me to remember to send a card/gift to dh's family members for their birthdays/anniversaries etc.
My aunts don't phone him to remind him to send a card for my uncle's birthday. Bloody bugger off.

YeOldMa · 18/11/2016 23:57

My DH knows what things DS is into but he doesn't always know exactly what he has or doesn't have. He usually knows what we are going to buy but rarely knows what to say to other people. It doesn't make him a bad parent. He will spend hours helping with homework, running DS around the country for sports stuff, etc, but will still defer to me about what he wants for Xmas or birthday. To be honest, over the years some of the presents he has bought for me make me glad he does. Grin

SilentBiscuits · 19/11/2016 00:26

"But would all these men actually know what their DC want for Christmas?"

Thank christ I married an actual grown up.

Aderyn2016 · 19/11/2016 00:29

Knowing that stuff is not the mark of a grown up or a loving father.

hateadulting · 19/11/2016 00:50

I had the exact same problem. And even worse...when we exchanged gifts, they would always give them to me! I have no idea why!

Since last Christmas I've stepped back from my crazy controlling MIL and haven't made it my job to remind him to wish her a happy birthday or anniversary etc. I think he's forgotten every single thing Confused I think she'll be less eager to ask what we want for Christmas as I've put boundaries in place. We'll be lucky to get some tack she buys off Facebook Grin

Baylisiana · 19/11/2016 01:17

If it is just a default assumption that women deal with this, YANBU. Sometimes though it isn't that....maybe not in your case, but sometimes partners don't communicate, presents end up duplicated on both sides of the family etc. There could be valid reasons why one parent organises things.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 19/11/2016 01:25

I find it very odd that so many in-laws have their dil's or sil's number. My parents certainly don't have my DH's number, nor his mine.

And I think it's very odd that you find this odd. Not everyone dislikes their in-laws and wants to keep them at 100 paces Hmm

Some people even.....................like their in-laws!

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 19/11/2016 01:45

I honestly don't get how families work where things aren't co-ordinated by one person, whether that's mum or dad. Christmas presents for example, surely one of you is 'in charge' else you risk both buying and/or suggesting the same presents to others.

As for asking you what DH wants, maybe they'd like to surprise him rather than ask him and think you're the best person to ask so he gets something he'd like.

I don't get all the angst. If it bothers you, then TELL THEM.

SilentBiscuits · 19/11/2016 02:18

"Knowing that stuff is not the mark of a grown up or a loving father."

I didn't say it was. I was responding to the incredulous tone of Navy's "all these men" comment and the low expectations of said men. I'm glad I didn't marry one of them.

Scooby20 · 19/11/2016 05:43

My in laws have never done done this.

However I always ask my dbro what his kids want got Christmas. He refers me to his wife. I used to roll my eyes and tell him to discuss with her and get back to me.

Then she had a go at me for asking him and not her directly as it was her decision apparently. I laughed at that as well.

NavyandWhite · 19/11/2016 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hettie · 19/11/2016 08:18

I think the point is that it's not so much about whether one person is better at knowing what Xmas presents to buy. It's more like that the woman is always assumed to be that person. Not only that she is also assumed to be the person who knows about Christmas play dates, when a DC may be available for parties/play dates, sending birthday cards, thanking everyone, organising visits from/to relatives, etc. Sometimes people ask me at the school gates is dc1 free to do this on this day, or text me about something on a given day. When I reply I have no idea because dh is in charge on that given day/for that thing they are slack jawed. Apparently this might be because he manages to do this and run a big businesses Hmm.... Why the fuck wouldn't he, and why would I do my equally important, full on job plus all the house/child related tasks? Really? Anyone really have to ask why this attitude might be a bit sexist?

NavyandWhite · 19/11/2016 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonaldStott · 19/11/2016 08:39

So annoying. My mil rang the other day to see if I would ask dh to do a favour on her behalf. Why not just ring him in the first place Confused

NavyandWhite · 19/11/2016 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn2016 · 19/11/2016 08:45

Hettie, I think you have a point in that most people do expect the mother to know more about her child's activities/plans than perhaps they expect of the father. As a society we have very low expectations of men as parents. It is still seen as okay (by many, not by me) to get involved with a man who has left his children and pays minimum child support/no active role in parenting. This should be as socially unacceptable. The state does little to make absent fathers pay what it truly costs to raise their dc and it is therefore women who usually end up struggling to make ends meet while being solely responsible for everything. This general attitude that dc are more the mum's ultimate responsibility has to change if we want people to treat out dh's as equally responsible parents.

However, I think this thread is placing too much importance on knowing what your dc want for Christmas, rather than on what truly makes someone a good dad/partner. I think that generally speaking a lot of very good h and dads probably do quite like leaving the Christmas shopping to their wives but they do other, equally important things instead that I don't want to do. It is just division of labour rather than an indicator of good parenting.

Or it could be that I am a control freak, who comes from a long line of control freaks and I would rather be in charge of stuff Wink

ElizaDontlittle · 19/11/2016 08:45

MIL asks me what DH wants for Christmas, and him what I'd like. Not much of a surprise otherwise!
But generally this sounds like wifework and the only upside is you have their present sorted!

WellErrr · 19/11/2016 08:47

What you are asking, Navy, is 'should a parent be able to hold down a demanding full time job, AND still know their children sufficiently well to know what their interests are?'
The answer, of course, is that yes they should. Mothers manage it.

My DH is the director of his own business turning over 6 figures every year. Some weeks he works well over 100 hours.

He could still tell you what the children like, and what they're having for Christmas though. He's not going to go out and physically buy it, but he still knows because he knows THEM.

That's what I can't understand about your posts.

ememem84 · 19/11/2016 08:50

Dh's family live in Aussie or NZ. I remind him about the post dates. So things get there for Christmas.

Mil shouted at me last year because her gift hadn't arrived. I told her it wasn't my fault. Her son is capable of shopping wrapping and posting (I made numerous trips to post office last year and offered to take gifts with me to post but they hadn't been bought yet...) she pointed out that it was my job. Because he works. As do I.

He deals with his side. I mine. It's much easier.

pictish · 19/11/2016 08:51

As with anything and everything, it all depends on the individual family circumstances.

I don't think anyone can deny though, that the bulk of these sorts of interactions and decisions seem to automatically fall to women to organise and execute, whether they be a SAHM or working a full week. It seems that women's working conditions or commitments are of no consideration when it comes to piling on the tasks, both big and small. And they all add up.

I do think a lot of men dismiss such dealings as not being their concern as they have a wife to take care of that stuff on their behalf, as is 'traditional'.

I think it's fine for women to say, "Hang on...why is this my responsibility? Because I have a vagina? I don't think so!"

pictish · 19/11/2016 08:52

"Mil shouted at me last year because her gift hadn't arrived. I told her it wasn't my fault. Her son is capable of shopping wrapping and posting (I made numerous trips to post office last year and offered to take gifts with me to post but they hadn't been bought yet...) she pointed out that it was my job. Because he works. As do I."

Sadly I think this is a common scenario. Everyday sexism and all that.

Aderyn2016 · 19/11/2016 08:53

And yes, in households where one parent sah, of course they are going to know more about their dc day to day activities than a wohp.