Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

[IncognitoPony]

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

Pizanfan how on earth can you imply that my whole post is not exactly encouraging that?

Op might have been asked to pay more or several months upfront because she's not working. Friend recently had to do 6 months upfront

Pizanfan: lending people money doesn't automatically make that someone a decent guy - it depends what the motivation is. Some types of people take pleasure in having something to hold over others. The OP said "My ex abused me. I think he's punishing me." If he's an abusive person, then the reason he loaned the money was not out of generosity, but to have leverage on the OP.

And if he's such a decent guy, then why would he not be paying child support? Especially when he is apparently comfortable enough to raise £2K to loan to someone and not expect to see any of it again for a couple of years (which was his original position). A decent guy would want to contribute to supporting his baby's living costs

Also not sure why you're casting doubt on what the OP has spent the £2K on with "whatever you did with that money". Rude.

OP: Grow up. Stop swanning around doing courses you can't afford. Get a job. Support your child. Simple.

Thats right and I won't give a back story in regards to how a suite he's been, but I was advised by a social worker that I cut ties with her father.

Didnt think that before you took the loan tho did you?

What sort of decent guy doesn't pay maintenance

So he lent her money to help home his child wow what a fucking hero maybe he should be knighted. that doesn't mean he can't be nasty and controlling people are not only nice or horrible some only manage to be nice when it suits them but a responsible parent doesn't pick and choose when to be a good parent

It was a loan for her and THEIR child to live somewhere

If he doesn't co operate then I'll just have to change DD's surname to mine and like a PP suggested, cut all ties with him.

Definitely more to this isnt there, I wonder what his side of these events are?

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. If you can't live in your current means then you need to make changes, apply for all the benefits you're entitled to, cut back on uni hours to get a job, maybe get a work from home job or sell stuff on ebay etc.

Child maintenance is owed to the child, not to you. Therefore he doesn't have a right to deny money for his son because you owe him money. Go through CSA.

Even if she did all that Colby - he would still have to pay the same maintenance which is based on HIS earnings not hers. So you negatively impact OP and her future and achieve actually nothing for him.

How spiteful.

Her current means are artificially low because he won't pay maintenance.

Child maintenance is owed to the child, not to you.

I'm not sure that is true as it is paid to the resident parent not the child and the resident parent does not have to spend the money specifically on the child.

Child maintence has 2 options: the family one the dh thought they agreed where he gives her 2k. Or the formal arrangement where they go to court. As he has already paid something using the informal family arrangement, cms will take that into account & may well off-set the amounts against each other. Also cma goes to the receiving parent, not the child.

Colby, with all due respect, what the hell are you on about? You clearly haven't got a clue how maintenance works.

You don't loan the mother maintenance

Yes, the ex loaned the OP £2K interest-free. Told her she could pay it back at the end of her studies. It was not a gift. It was not child support. He knew full well that she was studying and rearing their child on her own. He ostensibly was helping her do just that.

He is refusing to pay child support because of this loan. So is expecting the OP to manage alone with their baby for the next couple of years of her studies and then pay him back. When £2K wouldn't cover what he would actually pay out in child support in the same time.

This is a man who can find £2K to loan someone and not expect it back for a couple of years. Not exactly on his uppers, is he? But he'd rather hold that loan over her head and see her struggle than do the right thing by his child.

Her current means are low as she doesn't work.

Saying hes not a decent parent for not paying child support when the OP won't support the child either is wrong. Both of them are selfish and failing to provide.

but she does support her child

she has a loan that is her money (that will be paid back with interest) she is struggling as he is not paying maintenance

the op might not actually be that much better off when she does start to work for some time and she will have to pay childcare, travel and all the other extra costs you have when working (and even though single parents get help with childcare it can still take out a large amount of your wage)

I am horrified that on a site for mothers, there are people blaming the OP for using whatever means necessary to get out of an abusive relationship. Her financial position upon leavingand thus her ability to fund shelter for herself and her childwas almost certainly impacted by the abuse within the relationship. Instead of taking what she was offeredan interest free loan with a bunch of controlling strings attached (sadly predictable, but probably not obvious to the OP at the time)she should have what? Made herself homeless?

To those saying she should quit studying and get a job, of course full time jobs that work with childcare hours and would cover OPs costs absolutely grow on trees, right? Oh. Wait.

There are some arseholes in this situationlandlords who discriminate against kids (illegal in most parts of the world, BTW), abusive men and those who defund refuges and local authorities so badly that the OP would have been literally homeless. The OP isn't one of them, however, and I amfrankly--disgusted at the attitudes displayed on this thread toward a mother trying to figure out how to do the best for her child.

She is struggling because she's swanning around in university instead of working to provide for her child. She is utterly failing to provide for her child and should get a job.

If this was an issue of not being able to work because of childcare issues, I would have every sympathy for her. It is clearly not, however, since she's quite capable of attending university.

Saying she wants to take the father's name off the birth certificate because he wants his loan paid back shows how petty and childish she is. Take, take, take.

Have you any thoughts on the man who isn't paying to support his child metallic, or is it only women whose actions you bear judgement upon?

"swanning around at university?" Grow up.

My XH swanned about at college and on various courses to avoid paying maintenance. He didn't see his child or do any of the day-to-day care either. Still isn't working, living with a parent, JSA purely as pocket money, no childcare to worry about. I save my vitriol for people like him.

If the OP gave up her education and got a job now the chances are she would still be entitled to state support. Possibly more so if childcare was paid.

Yes, I have plenty of thoughts on him. It doesn't absolve him of his responsibility. But she loses the moral high ground when she isn't supporting her child either, and is apparently perfectly capable of doing so. If she can find childcare to go to university, she can find it to go to work, and her comment that she'll remove his name from the birth certificate just shows how immature and childish she is.

You can't always do what you want when you have children, surely that's obvious.