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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

231 replies

IncognitoPony · 18/11/2016 10:58

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
IncognitoPony · 20/11/2016 14:46

I contacted CMS yesterday and the lady over the phone suggested I have another word with ex to set up a family arrangement. Which I'm going to do today.

If he doesn't co operate then I'll just have to change DD's surname to mine and like a PP suggested, cut all ties with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
IncognitoPony · 20/11/2016 14:47

Also if things don't go well then I'll obviously CMS to get payments.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 15:00

Is his name on her birth certificate? if it is, you will probably need his permission to change her surname.

But contact and financial support are two separate issues and I'd crack on with a CMS application. To be amicable, explain that you have every intention of repaying the loan, but that he should be supporting his child too, and when the CMS have said how much payments will be, you can work out how much you have effectively already repaid him in missed maintenance. And going forward only repay what you can afford until you are ready.

Original poster
IncognitoPony · 20/11/2016 15:05

Yes he's on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
hedwig2001 · 20/11/2016 15:07

Unfortunately, I don't think you can change her surname without his consent.

Meadows76 · 20/11/2016 15:10

Why are you changing her name ffs

It is her name, her identity. Why the fuck would you change that because of a disagreement with her father?

Jesus. No wonder so many people have problems. Grow up and stop using your child.

SheldonCRules · 20/11/2016 15:11

Children are not pay per view, cutting ties as he isn't providing financial support is wrong. Not to mention the double standards as you are not either. Student loans and tax payers are currently paying for the child you both produced.

You both need to grow up, spitting your dummy out and threatening to change names etc isn't what grown ups do. You need to talk to each other, you need to agree terms he is happy with for the loan repayment and he needs to pay child support if working.

RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 15:13

In that case he has parental rights, and he can block a change of name or take you to court if you do it without his permission. Honestly, I'd put that on the backburner right now.

My ex panicked when I mentioned the CSA and magically 'found' some money in his budget for our child, not much but it helped. Another man might get aggressive and threatening. You know him, so consider whether you're better off speaking to him about maintenance or just getting on and making the application. Has he given you any money for his dd recently?

RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 15:16

It is her name, her identity. Why the fuck would you change that because of a disagreement with her father?

She's ten months old. She has no idea what her surname is.

And the OP hasn't given us much in way of background. If basically his only input after conception was to give her a loan, and then almost immediately hang it over her head as a way to not support his child, maybe he is better out of her life? We don't know if he even sees her.

Meadows76 · 20/11/2016 15:18

She's ten months old. She has no idea what her surname is. she won't always be ten months old though Hmm

He may well be better off out of their lives, but to consider changing a child's name over a financial disagreement is ridiculous. They are real human people not the family bloody cat

Original poster
IncognitoPony · 20/11/2016 15:21

Thats right and I won't give a back story in regards to how a suite he's been, but I was advised by a social worker that I cut ties with her father.

OP posts:
Original poster
IncognitoPony · 20/11/2016 15:22

Sheldon you're trying to pick a fight. I haven't given you enough information for you to make such statements.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 15:26

In terms of having more money right now, have you been to the CAB? There are sometimes small local financial funds for single parents or children living under the poverty line. A good CAB advisor may be able to help there. I'd also consider a foodbank application. Loads of people have to use them these days. I believe you only get three visits, but it will mean a bit of money freed up even if you are living on tinned soup and potatoes for a few weeks. And don't be proud, if you have family who would help ask them if they could help and make it clear you'd have no way to repay a loan for a few years.

RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 15:29

she won't always be ten months old though

I'm sure the OP doesn't intend to change her name on an annual basis. My surname was changed when I was four. I have no memory of it. When you;re a kid you don't pay much attention to paperwork. She'll be fine. But again OP, it does come down to whether you can actually do it I'm afraid... Try not to worry about it for now.

FaithLoveandHope · 20/11/2016 15:32

I take it back re going to the university hardship fund. You both need to grow up and start actually supporting this poor little girl stuck in the middle of your petty fights. I can guarantee if this situation were about a man in university he'd be told to grow up, stop fannying about with university and get a full time job to support his DC - I know because I asked about my pathetic (thankfully now) ex of a man child.

Ctc and CB is not supporting your child - it's expecting the tax payer to! Neither of you are supporting her which is incredibly sad.

RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 15:35

(DO look into the hardship fund!)

Sirzy · 20/11/2016 15:35

Not sure either of you are acting in the best interest of the child st the moment sadly.

Meadows76 · 20/11/2016 15:36

I'm sure the OP doesn't intend to change her name on an annual basis.. That's the thing through, how do we know? Lots of parents seem so damn flippant about their child's name. What's wrong with considering the name you give your child to be a permanent thing? Not one that you will change if he pisses you off Confused

I feel so strongly about name changing children, I don't think a child's name should EVER be connected to the parents relationship status.

Inertia · 20/11/2016 23:15

As others have already said, I don't think anyone meant that the CMS would backdate any payments. However, from a parenting perspective, he should have been paying that money - if he had paid what he should, op would have stood a chance of repaying the loan.

Didactylos · 20/11/2016 23:40

in fairness about the name thing: why do we assume the OPs daughter should have his name in the first place? and why does she need to keep it now?

The OPs daughter has one parent who is trying to step up and do the right things, go to uni and get a job/increase her earning power while being a mother to a 10 month old without support from the other parent. And yet we have apparently to privilege his right to have his patronym preserved over his daughters right to support from both her parents?

Despite that OP, if he is on the birth certificate you will not be able to change her name without his permission I can understand why you feel aggrieved and might want to. But it would probably be wiser to concentrate your energy on going through the process of making an arrangement to get appropriate financial support rather than the name change gesture

YeOldMa · 21/11/2016 00:51

Jesus wept. The number not women who think it's absolutely fine to not support your child for an extended period because one parent owes money to the other. It is staggering just how this misogyny plays itself out thread after thread after thread. There is no hope.

OP whatever you do, don't give up uni and contact the CMS. Don' t let this continue. The loan won't be taken into account.

The OP could give up Uni, sit on benefits where her rent would be paid and she would no doubt have more money than the pittance of a student loan. Instead she tries to better herself to give her child a better life and so many of you sit there and tell her she's irresponsible. I just can't believe that there are so many mean spirited f*ckers on MN.

Don't give OP, I did 4 years at Uni when my daughter was young training to be a teacher and it was a tough journey but the life I could give her without having to rely on a shyster who never intended to pay a penny in maintenance or treat her how she deserved to be treated made it all worth while.

I've always paid my debts and would usually encourage others to do so but I can't help thinking that OP should tell her ex to poke it where the sun don't shine.

Pizanfan · 21/11/2016 01:04

OP

I think a lot of people are struggling with the fact that when you went to your ex he gladly lent you 2k, this sounds like a decent guy, who has lent the mother of his child a lot of money.

Whatever you did with that money, you have now become aggressive in him paying, which granted he is obliged to do. But there is a way to conduct yourself, a hissy fit and changing your childs name, or turning to prostitution are not adult responses.

Go get advice, open a dialogue with him, and explain the situation.

FeralBeryl · 21/11/2016 01:26

I don't get why you even need to have a dialogue with him if you wish not to?

I may be being dense not unknown but if his name is on the birth certificate, you have contact details for him, write to him saying he needs to start reasonable contributions or you will refer it to CMS who will do it but take a handling fee at his expense each month.

I'd forget worrying about name changes and other detritus and focus on your child and your studies, you have enough on your plate.

Pizanfan · 21/11/2016 01:51

Feral

Because the child is priority, if you don't see that...

torroloco · 21/11/2016 04:27

OP- where do you live? Most flat deposits that i've heard of are max of 2 months- so unless your living in London, £1k a month in rent seems very excessive- downsizing would be my first thought.

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