Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

[IncognitoPony]

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

Go through the legal channels. It is likely you've effectively already repaid the 2k in missed maintenance payments. This may have been his strategy all along. It's a lot cheaper in the long run to give 2k as a lump sum than pay monthly. And at the same time keep you under his control. Don't fall for it.

How long ago did you take the loan?

Do you roughly have an idea what he earns? You can usually find out via the Internet the pay brackets for jobs and roles to at least inform you as a guide.

He is responsible to paying CM and I'd consider the 2k to house his DD part of that payment - so at some point he needs to start paying.

Jesus wept. The number not women who think it's absolutely fine to not support your child for an extended period because one parent owes money to the other. It is staggering just how this misogyny plays itself out thread after thread after thread. There is no hope.

OP whatever you do, don't give up uni and contact the CMS. Don' t let this continue. The loan won't be taken into account.

What a crock of shit some of these posts are.

This man owes money for maintenance, every month, regardless of how much or little OP earns. She could be a millionaire, he'd still have to pay.

She can go to the CMS without paying back the loan.

Technically, she's already been paying him back. She's been making payments of the amount of CM he should have been paying since they separated, so probably a few hundred pounds a month.

Go to the CMS OP, find out what he should be paying, get that set up (through a deduction of earnings if necessary). Then work out how much he should have paid since you separated until the payments kick in (might take a few months at least) then deduct that from the 2k that you can pay him back when you finish university.

The two issues are separate, but he has joined them together. His idea makes no sense. What he's saying is the 2k is a loan to be paid back after you get a job. But he's also saying the 2k is his child maintanance, which you would not have to pay back.

So which one is it?!

That's why actually this loan and child maintanance are 2 different things. The cm does not get paid back (obviously!!). But a loan does.

I would clarify the loan agreement with him and get him to write it on paper that he is happy to wait for it to be paid back when you get a job. Do that first without mentioning cm.

Then once you have a document, get the cm people to deal with him regarding the payments he owes you.

Why aren't you working to support your child instead of spending three years on a degree that you clearly can't afford to do? Obviously childcare isn't an issue or you wouldn't be at uni - I'm also a single mum doing a degree. I am probably much better off financially doing my degree than I would be working minimum wage. Childcare isn't an issue because of a student childcare grant, I doubt I could manage on minimum wage AND cover childcare costs and everything else, OP may be in a similar position.

Please do not justify yourself to these people seminormal because they will continue to find fault. Single mums are expected to know their place at the bottom of the social pile. How dare we try and carve out the life of a decent, hard working, married person!

Your university will help you out with loans and grants.

They have charitable trusts.

Go to the csa.

Thank you needsahalo Unbelievable that some people seem to take umbridge to the fact that single mothers dare do anything to better their lives, as you say, it's almost like we're meant to know our place at the bottom!

Go to the CSA and find out what his minimum maintenance payments should be. If he hasn't paid maintenance in 10 months he could easily owe you £2000 in back payments. Even if you do still owe him money he still needs to give you CM and if he was any sort of person he would be happy to provide for his daughter. You can take £5/week or what you can afford from the maintenance payments to reduce your debt. You do not have any sort of moral obligation to pay him back before you get your maintenance sorted. That money was to provide a home for 'his' daughter as well as you. This debt is just another way of controlling you he sounds like an arsehole,

Also be proud of your decision to go to college and build a future for you and your family. You are not claiming any more than you are entitled to.

I haven't read all the responses but please do get in contact with CMS asap. As far as I'm aware they can't backdate it prior to your application so get it in asap. They will not take the 2k into account and if he refuses to pay they can do an attachment of earnings and get it taken straight from his wages.

Have you looked into making sure you're getting the most finance through university? I'm sure there's a grant for parents as well as student loans etc. Also your students union may be able to help if you need a temporary fix.

Jesus wept indeed, OP has SAID her degree leads to a better paid job, I can't BELIEVE some posters are saying you must leave.

DON'T leave. It's so clear ex is joyfully manipulating you, saying oh yes, surrre have a loan then demanding it back under different conditions. Isn't moving the goalposts a classic abuse tactic?? He'd love to see you leave uni.

Get on to CMS first and foremost then get into hardship fund at uni - they'll still have money at this time of year and should help you out.

Christ, the landlord's charging her extra for having a child, the ex is not stepping up at all - this poor woman is fighting very hard to give her child a better future, we should ALL be supporting her and helping her. Did the last few weeks of misogyny teach us nothing?

OP, fight on, he's a cunt, get the CSA after him.

needsahalo exactly! God forbid you become an educated single mum who can hold her own!

Not read the whole thread, but you must go to CMEC and get an official assessment done ASAP. Then you can agree with him how much to deduct to pay down the £2k debt. He can't insist on all of it being set against the debt.

The mistake you've made has been in not claiming maintenance from the start. There is no debt in law until you start the assessment process with CMEC. You can't simply backdate the maintenance he would have been made to pay had you gone down the correct channels and set that against what you owe him, as others have suggested.

Graduate jobs are getting rarer and they usually require a great deal of flexibility, something that without a nanny or family childcare is very hard to overcome. Too may believe that studying as a parent will lead to a fantastic highly paid job they can just walk into.

Both are being unreasonable, he needs to work out child support and start deducting it from the amount you owe him and you needed to agree a far quicker payment plan that some future date that may not even happen. Neither of you at the moment are financially supporting the child and that's poor.

Graduate jobs are getting rarer and they usually require a great deal of flexibility, something that without a nanny or family childcare is very hard to overcome

So...give up on education and the possibility of a better life because your relationship broke down? Assume education is pointless? Does it not depend on what she might do at the end - she may intend to teach or she maybe training medically, for example. She may also be a more mature student with plenty of relevant work experience that will give her an edge when looking for a job.

And you know, plenty of single mums work professional jobs with no support. Is that so hard to get your head round? Would it be any easier working 0 hour at minimum wage?

If he is earning minimum wage in a 40hr per week job then the Child support calculator online reckons he should be paying approx £34 a week. Multiply that by 4 to get a month, multiply that by 10 to get 10 months worth is £1360. So effectively you only owe him £640.

That is IF he earns minimum wage and has minimal contact time. If he earns more, he should have been paying more.

Work it out. If you've no way of working out his wage, the CMS would do it for you. The chances are high, I think, that his non-payment of child support over the last 10 months outweigh your debt to him.

You mentioned he was abusive

Have as little contact with him as possible and go through CMS

He will not be reasonable as he is not being reasonable now. The loan is completely separate and it was agreed you pay him back once studies have finished so put that in writing and how much a week and if you can do it before the less contact you have with him the better

StatisticallyChallenged, I don't live in the UK but rightly or wrongly if you are a single parent in the country where I live, single parents with a non paying father have the same basic income as those whose Ex's aren't selfish f*ckers.

I really think that the OP, for her own sanity and to better detach from this man, should budget that maintenance could be at best unreliable and worst non existent. He's already using money to manipulate her and if she doesn't get her finances sorted independently from him, he will continue to do so.

Suggest that he looks after your DD until you finish the degree, and then he won't have to pay any maintenance.

You will then be able to get a job in the evenings/weekends and can pay off your debt.

This seems the fairest way to me. If he doesn't want to do that, then it doesn't seem morally fair to demand more money when he's already, very generously, lent you 2k interest free over a long period.

It was your choice to become a student whilst you had a young child - maybe it would have been better to wait until they were in school?

Does your uni have any hardship funds you can apply to?

I don't know much about child maintenance but would agree with the posters who said you should seek extra help from the university- see the welfare officer, apply for hardship funds, you are exactly the sort of person the funds should be helping. Don't give up university for £2k, that's a chickenshit sum of money in the course of a lifetime (although it's a big deal now).

Category12 has it right - your ex should have been paying you child maintenance all along. Start the claim now.

Whatever weekly amount CMS says you're entitled to, off-set all the child maintenance he has avoided paying you so far against the £2k you owe him.

However the method of working out what he would have paid on a minimum wage isn't £34 per week X 4 weeks for a month (only Feb is a 4 week month) - you should do it on weeks.

£34 x 52 weeks in a year = £1768 per year
Divide by 12 for a month = £147.34 per month
So over 10 months you can write £1473 off the debt. A balance of £527 left.

Aso you are paying the entire childcare costs by the sound of it. It sounds like he's got a cushy deal here - he gets to work without any childcare costs and I assume he's not rearranged his life to be able to drop and collect your DC. You're the one organising things around your DC and paying for it, while he gets to hold this debt over you - seems so unfair.

I cannot see why people are saying that a loan of £2k, that the OP is expected to pay back (and incidentally used to house his own child) absolves this guy from paying any maintenance.

She should be receiving maintenance. She may use some of that to pay back the loan he gave her.

He's got a fantastic deal here - given her money that she has to pay back. He's not actually contributed to the cost of bringing up his own child in any way.

Toaster, no he hasn't but neither has the OP either so both as bad as each other.