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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

231 replies

IncognitoPony · 18/11/2016 10:58

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 19/11/2016 11:39

Except that one parent has actually been looking after the child, and the other hasn't, Sheldon.

Child cost both money and time. One parent has been giving one. The other has contributed neither.

WankingMonkey · 19/11/2016 11:41

He may well owe more than 2k in payments already. Go through the official channels. This might sound daft, but give him back the child support as payment towards the 'loan' (but only if you do not need it to live) and keep track of it. To me it sounds like hes just trying to put off paying for his child tbh. Especially if hes saying you can pay back the 2k once you finish your course, but then also saying he isn't paying maintenance until you pay him.

Marynary · 19/11/2016 11:52

I cannot see why people are saying that a loan of £2k, that the OP is expected to pay back (and incidentally used to house his own child) absolves this guy from paying any maintenance.

It doesn't absolve him from paying maintenance but he may feel that maintenance payments can be offset against the loan and that is quite possibly what he means when he says that he won't give OP any money until the loan is paid off. OP needs to find out what he should be paying and then come to an agreement.

Usernamegone · 19/11/2016 12:05

Please apply to the university hardship fund now. Once the money the uni has is gone there is no more until the next academic year (or there was when I was at uni). Also, contact CMS straight away. Since your ex is abusive it is best you deal with this formally. After this is sorted then you can work out how and when you can pay your ex back. Also when you do pay anything to your ex make sure it is by cheque/bank transfer not cash so he can't 'forget' that you paid him back.

Lelloteddy · 19/11/2016 12:21

CMS asap.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/11/2016 12:26

Fair enough isetan, it is a UK based forum and a lot of people believe that to be the case here when it's not. It was at one point but changed a long time ago

LynetteScavo · 19/11/2016 12:39

If he expects to get the 2k back in a lump sum in 2 years, then he should be paying maintenance now. If he wants the 2k paid back a bit at a time then I see why he isn't paying.

It sounds like he's changed his mind about when he wants the money back.

category12 · 19/11/2016 12:43

I'm thinking it suits him for the OP to owe him £2K and struggle for money. He gets to be the 'big man' in helping her get housed and appear generous, while actually being a shite.

RepentAtLeisure · 19/11/2016 12:43

Is he offsetting the loan against child maintenance? If he was going to give you £20 a week, you'd be roughly at about £1380 so far. If he was going to give you £50 a week it would be about £2300, and he would now owe his daughter money. But it sounds like he has no intention of giving you a penny until you have given him his £2000 and that is NOT right. He's either playing you like a fiddle, or he is immensely stupid.

Just report him and get the ball rolling. At this point, I would go with the assumption that the loan is offset against child maintenance. Now - if the CSA or whatever body it is now insist on a lump sum paid from her birth, then by all means pay him back from that. But if they are going from now, you don't just factor in the £2000 loan, you factor in that he hasn't paid regular support (or any?) for 10 months. Chances are they will pretty much cancel each other out.

StealthPolarBear · 19/11/2016 13:08

Why are people saying he should have been paying for the last ten months?

ToastieRoastie · 19/11/2016 13:37

It was just an example, e.g. If he hadn't been supporting DC since birth 10months ago, that someone used upthread.

OP hasn't been back to tell us when they did split - it could be only a few months ago.

minifingerz · 19/11/2016 13:51

Is the Ex paying half of the costs of feeding/housing/clothing his child? Does he pay half of her childcare costs?

No? Why not?

Was he prepared to look after his dd if the OP had been made homeless?

Both parents are responsible for the upkeep of the dd and her housing. If the Ex wasn't offering to house his child himself then it's quite right he should be contributing to her housing costs by covering part of the deposit on the OP's flat.

Suppermummy02 · 19/11/2016 14:08

Should never have borrowed 2k from ex is he was abusing you. But he is supporting his child by paying for her to have somewhere to live. You need to have child maintenance calculated and then offset any missed payments against the 'loan' until its repaid.

Life is hard and maybe ex should pay more but reality is that you need to get a job if your that hard up, you can't just blame your ex.

needsahalo · 19/11/2016 14:16

But he is supporting his child by paying for her to have somewhere to live

He paid a deposit, not on-going rent. It's like saying I gave my child breakfast on Thursday so why does he need to keep eating?

SheldonCRules · 19/11/2016 14:18

Is the Ex paying half of the costs of feeding/housing/clothing his child? Does he pay half of her childcare costs?

No, but neither is the OP. Both need to rethink and change. The OP can't afford the luxury of not working and the ex needs to pay child support.

needsahalo · 19/11/2016 14:31

Do try and see the bigger picture....the better educated this lady is, the better job she will get, the more money she will earn, the more money she will put back in via tax, the better opportunities she will give her child, the better outcomes herchild will have. It's really not rocket science.

Inertia · 19/11/2016 14:43

I would go to CMS and start the claim immediately.

If he hasn't been paying CM since your child was born, he owes his child that 10 months worth of payments - let's say it's £150 per month, so he now owes your child £1500 ( for the sake of argument).

I would tell him that you are willing to offset the CM he owes for his child against the lord an, leaving you to pay a balance of £500 (or whatever actual figures are). I would then offer to pay a standing order bank transfer directly into his account for e.g. £25 a month to pay off the balance of the loan.

There is a potential problem if he paid the landlord directly instead of giving the deposit money to you, in that the deposit could be returned to him after you have already paid him back.

AyeAmarok · 19/11/2016 14:44

No, but neither is the OP. Both need to rethink and change. The OP can't afford the luxury of not working and the ex needs to pay child support

Yes she is. Her income at the moment is CTC, CB, she's using that to pay for her child.

The RP being on benefits doesn't absolve the NRP of their obligations to financially contribute towards their child.

Isetan · 20/11/2016 06:51

Meanwhile back in the real world.... The OP has serious financial issues that need to be resolved right now and getting into 'what's fair' arguments with an abusive man ain't going to solve them. As I said up thread, being dependent on an abusive person is a threat to your mental health.

Op, go through the CMS and disengage from this man, you are wasting energy trying 'to make him see', he won't because he doesn't care. The purpose of his current behaviour is to watch you suffer, beg and reason with him and right now, you're giving him exactly what he wants. Your energy is better spent working on a budget that will get you to the end of your degree that isn't reliant upon cm..

If he's so desperate for his money, he can go through the small claims court but he won't because he doesn't have a leg to stand on a written loan agreement.

Disengage, disengage, disengage. There isn't a better side to this man to plead your case to.

Collaborate · 20/11/2016 09:30

FFS people, you cannot backdate CSA maintenance liability. So OP cannot offset what he "should" have paid against the £2,000 debt. Which is why I advised her immediately to get an official assessment done. Since then plenty of you have maintained the fiction that arrears exist, which may encourage inaction. They don't exist. At all.

Collaborate · 20/11/2016 09:31

If he's so desperate for his money, he can go through the small claims court but he won't because he doesn't have a leg to stand on a written loan agreement.

He doesn't need a written loan agreement. He's not a business offering commercial credit. It's a loan that's repayable - possibly on demand.

gamerwidow · 20/11/2016 10:58

Collaborate I think most people (myself) included are talking about the arrears from a moral standpoint. I.e. If the ex is holding onto the money in lieu of CM then it should be reducing by the amount of CM he is supposed to pay each month.

redannie118 · 20/11/2016 11:16

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

RepentAtLeisure · 20/11/2016 12:11

I'd agree that myself and the other pps only used 'backdated' child maintenance because of the situation here - he is withholding maintenance because of the loan, but all that time his dd has been alive and needing financial support, and she should work out how much she has effectively paid back that way.

category12 · 20/11/2016 13:25

Yeah, the only reason it's been brought up is as an argument to use against his 'I'm not paying child support cos you owe me money'. And trying to give the OP the realisation that that is bollocks, and it is worth the battle of going to the CMS. It won't help her with however much child support she's already missed out on or affect her debt to him. But being supported and knowing that you're being screwed over instead of feeling like you're in the wrong for owing him money in the first place could be just the motivator she needs.

And maybe if she argues the CMS would go after him for what he hasn't paid, so he better start paying and she will just deduct it off what she owes him and they do it privately - well, he might just fall for it.

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