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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

231 replies

IncognitoPony · 18/11/2016 10:58

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 13:04

Mummy: I know it isn't, but by the same technical argument the OP doesn't have to repay her ex until she graduates. If we are going to go by the letter of the law she probably doesn't owe him anything at all unless he has something in writing or can prove the 2k wasn't a gift.

icanteven · 18/11/2016 13:06

How long have you been broken up for? By which I mean, if you had applied for child support the day you broke up (why didn't you?) how many months support would you have had, and using their online calculator (do they still have one?) how much ought he have paid by now? You must have a vague idea of what he earns - £10k pa, £20k, £80k?

TheCaptainsCat · 18/11/2016 13:10

OP I really recommend applying for your university's hardship loan ( Access to Learning Fund or equivalent). Also, as a lone parent you should be getting a fair bit in maintenance and grants from Student Finance, might be worth checking with your Union or university financial support team that you're getting the max possible.

Also recommend looking through grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/?_ga=1.193237485.1356012172.1479474612 for additional assistance.

CoolCarrie · 18/11/2016 13:17

Dont give up your studies op, I can't believe that anyone suggested that.
Can't he want until you have finished your degree? You & your child need a roof over your heads, food and money for bills etc, and he has the responsiblity to help provide for his child.

2kids2dogsnosense · 18/11/2016 13:25

You really shouldn't have borrowed money you can't pay back

Excuse me?

OP needs a home for herself and THEIR child. Her university course will increase her earning power and improve the quality of life of bother herself and THEIR child.

If he isn't desperate for cash (in which case he would not have to pay maintenance anyway) he should allow some leeway for OP to repay him.

Just another abusive man trying to coercively maintain control.

ToastieRoastie · 18/11/2016 13:26

OP if the course is going to give you a financially better future, then you need to find a way of staying on it. Do not pack it in for short term pain - you need a financially secure future for your DD.

Go to CMS and get the maintenance due for your DC.

He gave you a loan. You're not in a position to pay it back now. You will when you start earning and it seems this was the original agreement. You did it to make sure you and DD are homed, not spent it all on a holiday.

If you go to CMS and get maintenance, you could start paying him back from that money.

ToastieRoastie · 18/11/2016 13:27

Posted too soon. Or not pay him until you start earning as per your original agreement.

harderandharder2breathe · 18/11/2016 13:29

You're both being unreasonable

£2k is a huge amount for a rental deposit. You borrowed it without any clear plan when or how you'd pay it back

He should realise that the debt is your fault not DDs and if he's any kind of father, should want to support his DD.

roseship · 18/11/2016 13:32

surely this is not that complicated.

ex earns, say £3,000 per month, he then owes £450/month in child support

they have been separated for say six months

ex owes six months @ £450 = £2700

OP owes £2000, write it off against the £2700 = £700. So £700 owed, plus £450/month going forward.

why the fuck is he not paying maintenance?

RepentAtLeisure · 18/11/2016 13:43

He said I can pay him back when I finish my degree as I would most likely have a well paying job to do so.

And in the meantime he pays no child maintenance? Wow, great deal for him! How much would child maintenance mount up to in two + years?!

Let him know that you are going to apply for child maintenance but that you will tell them you owe him £2,000, and you'll even pass on proof if he sends it to you. Then they'll sort it out. Honestly, I'd assume it would be a separate issue, and you do need to pay it back, but if he gives his DD £30 a week, you could give £10 back towards the loan. But he is absolutely taking the piss by saying that his DD gets no financial support from him until you have repaid him. It could take over 5 years, and in the meantime he hasn't paid a penny for his DD. No!

43percentburnt · 18/11/2016 13:52

Assuming he has never paid maintenance and you haven't been together since the birth he owes you/your child 10 months maintenance.

By contacting cms they will calculate the monthly amount he should be paying. You will then know if you have already 'paid him back' by him not paying CMS for 10 months.

What does he do for a living? We may be able to estimate his salary.

WLF46 · 18/11/2016 14:11

You're both being unreasonable. He has to pay support for his child, but seriously, you have to work out how you can pay back what you owe him. How much does he owe you per week? Ask him to pay half, and take the other half what you owe him. It sounds like you don't intend on paying him back at all to be honest.

GabsAlot · 18/11/2016 14:36

go to the cms expecially if hes nev er given u maintenance they will ak for his wage slips and if he refuses an attachment to earnings will be enforced

i doubt they will take into acco9unt the 2k seeing a its aroof over his childs head

RepentAtLeisure · 18/11/2016 17:46

You're both being unreasonable. He has to pay support for his child, but seriously, you have to work out how you can pay back what you owe him. How much does he owe you per week? Ask him to pay half, and take the other half what you owe him. It sounds like you don't intend on paying him back at all to be honest.

In this instance I don't agree. It doesn't sound like he has financially contributed to his DDs upbringing at all, and is now holding a debt over her DMs head so that he can continue not contributing. The debt is between her and him. maintenance is from him to his DD - two different arrangements. Perhaps if he pays the money he owes to his DD, his ex will have a chance to begin paying him back instead of shouldering the entire cost alone?

frumpet · 18/11/2016 22:51

I think Toasty has hit the nail on the head with their reply .

Also if the loan was given on the understanding that it would start to be repaid once your degree is completed , then it is a completely seperate issue to maintenance .

Isetan · 19/11/2016 07:28

Contact the CMS and start paying back the loan at rate you can afford. I get it, I really do DD's dad doesn't pay maintenance and he should and could afford to but any maintenance would effect my benefits and I will not give someone that vindictive that level of influence on mine and DD's finances. This isn't about right or wrong or morality, it's about being independent from an arsehole and that sometimes means being very poor.

Being dependent on someone who is unreliable and or abusive isn't good for your mental health.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/11/2016 08:03

If you are in the UK Maintenance has no effect on benefits.

toastyarmadillo · 19/11/2016 08:08

Please don't give up on uni, it might be tight financially but will produce long term benefits. Contact cms immediately, the 2k debt is a separate issue altogether.

phlebasconsidered · 19/11/2016 08:18

Leaving aside the money question (of course fathers should support and parent their children), I think a lot depends on the type of degree you are doing. All degrees are not equal.

BA in medieval studies/ media? Lovely, but not going to launch a prosperous career right away. Academia jobs are rare and some degrees don't make you automatically employable. Dentistry, Pharmacy, STEM, medicine, education, yes. You'll get a job afterwards.

Is your degree 3 or more years? Does it mean you still get entry level wages after it? Teachers start on 21k. Will you be going straight to shift work afterwards, as in nursing or medicine?

If i knew my degree was going to be worth it, i would stick with it. Teaching, medicine and other degrees give you a flexibility of where you work and the shortages in these sectors ( speaking as a teacher in a school where we simply can't find a Head!) mean that you will be employed. If it was a less typically "useful" degree I might reconsider. I love learning for its own sake, but degrees are expensive now and some are luxuries, regrettably.

facebookrecruit · 19/11/2016 08:24

Go to CMS. He is being a tosser - the money he lent to you also put a roof over his child's head, and he is basically saying he thinks he should avoid paying for his daughter until you have paid it back. Given that you are struggling and it will probably be a while before you can he is avoiding paying child maintenance for a good while and technically profiting from his 'interest free loan'

elodie2000 · 19/11/2016 08:28

the £2000 was paid to provide a home for you and his DD surely? He made sure his daughter had a home to live in by lending you the money.
Doesn't this count as maintainance unless you intend to pay it back?

Either way, It would be counterproductive for him to give you more money in maintainance only for you to give it straight back to clear the loan.

YABU OP. You need to seek advice and work out a financial plan.

Capricorn76 · 19/11/2016 08:34

Find anyway you can to stick with that course. It will be better for you and DD in the long term and hopefully you will earn enough to never have to rely on this man again.

MissVictoria · 19/11/2016 08:36

He doesn't owe you anything til you go through the courts to get awarded maintenance.
You can't expect any money from him until you pay back the 2k, or set up an arrangement of him paying you however much a week/month, either court ordered or decided between yourselves, but that no money is paid to you until the 2k is "worked off". So if it was decided at say, £500 a month, you wouldn't get anything til month 5.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/11/2016 08:43

She doesn't need to go through the courts for maintenence, and he isn't reducing the balance - it's not being treated as an upfront lump sum of maintenance but as a loan and an excuse to not pay maintenance at the same time. When op starts repaying at the end of her course - as agreed - she will still owe 2k and he will not have paid a penny in maintenance for at least 2 years

Stripyhoglets · 19/11/2016 08:46

How long have you been separated? Add up what he should pay(do you know his income?), back date against what he should have paid already and offset against the money he has paid ny lending you 2k - treat that 2k as maintenance paid - then claim cms moving forward. He's taking the piss expecting not to pay maintenance and to get his loan paid back. And don't leave uni.