Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

[IncognitoPony]

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

Peggy, by that rationale the OP could simply work out what he should have been paying since the child was born and knock it off the debt - say he should have been giving her £50 a week for a year. That's £2,500. So he owes her £500.

No, the 2k was a loan and is separate to his CM obligations.

Call Child Maintentace Options in the first instance and then they can transfer you to CMS to make your application. ..it costs £20. The £2000 is between you and your ex. You need to start getting support for your child. Once you are in a better position you can start to pay him back what you owe

You both owe each other money.
Why did you borrow money you can't pay back???

I What were the terms of the loan? Are these in writing? Did you sign an undertaking to repay? Or was it just done by bank transfer between partners? If the latter you do not need to pay him back ever. Though you may feel a moral obligation to do so.

Irrespective of the loan, he is still obliged to pay maintenance for his child. If you cannot reach an amicable solution, I suggest you go to CSA.

You are both in the wrong here. Why did you borrow it if you had no intention of paying it back. That said, if you go to the CMS, I don't think they will take the loan into account when calculating his payments.

Given that she is now part way through her second year giving up uni now if she can cope financially would be stupid.

Well firstly, she can't cope financially, since she says she can't pay her bills without the maintenance (money that should be going towards her child, not her bills).

Secondly. Their daughter is 10 months old and she's halfway through a 3 year degree. So she was either a month into it or already pregnant when she started it, or she took time off to have her child. Either way, she's had plenty of time to give it up or not start it in the first place if she was already pregnant. I think she's been very irresponsible to carry on with it and needs to get a job to support her daughter.

OP, why are you not working? If you can find the time and childcare to go to university, you can find the time and childcare to work and support your daughter. Those are the harsh realities when you have children; you can't always do what you want.

If he says you can pay him back after the degree then does he still expect the 2k back AND to not have to pay CM for the duration of the loan?

Its either or. Either the loan is a loan, to be repaid, and in the meantime life continues as normal, ie he pays CM.

OR

He has given you a lump sum of CM upfront, and you don't owe him anything, but aren't due more CM until the lump sum has technically run out.

It can't be both.

I would go onto CMS, work out what eh should pay. Tell him, and tell him that he doesn't need to pay anything for the number of months it takes to clear the loan, then he needs to pay.

Well firstly, she can't cope financially, since she says she can't pay her bills without the maintenance (money that should be going towards her child, not her bills)

I think I need to leave this thread before I get sucked in to THAT shit.

Good God.

Maybe she's at uni doing a really vocational course which will lead to a more secure future for her and her daughter?

OP said further down it was a loan to be paid back am when she finished uni and started working, he's now changed his mind it seems

AS per others, go to CMS, get maintenance, keep half to make your life a little easier and give half back in payment of loan. Keep a paper trail!

And don't give up uni, you're doing it to better your life, for you and Dc, this is short term pain.

I like witsender's suggestion.

But everyone is forgetting he has already been a dad 10 months. Surely the lack of CM in that time either means he owes her backdated CM for 10 months AND she owes him 2k, or the 2k WAS the CM for the last 10 months and not for the next year or whatever?

And her bills are the baby's bills too. Unless they don't need heat, light, roof over their head, food...maintenance isn't just for clothes and toys.

Has MN been invaded by MRAs today?

You know he offered you an interest free loan so he could retain some control over you, don't you? He wasn't being nice.

The bills aren't hers, they are hers and her child's. What.else would CM go on?

Going to uni is not.an irresponsible thing. With only a year to.go pushing on is the right thing to do.

Someone else pointed out what he should have been paying, so if you do the calculations I suggested don't forget to back date that.to when she was born. Chances are that he.owes you and not the other way around.

Bit.make sure the deposit goes to.you not him if.you.move.

He is being unreasonable making you a loan (which presumably he could afford to do) then retrospectively saying it was in lieu of child support, if that's what happened. YABU taking a loan if you couldn't pay it back.

In fact your finances seem a bit muddled altogether. You say you are paying for additional nursery time out of 'your' money, but where is that money coming from? Do you have an income to support your studies from somewhere? You also say the flat you rented is the only flat you could find in the whole area which would accept a child, so it is beyond your means. And you are counting on landing a well paid job straight out of uni to sort out your finances - many graduates I know have had to do two or three years in very low paid jobs before they've started earning very much. So you can't afford your lifestyle at the moment, but are hoping it will all come right at some point in the future.

TBH, it sounds as if you need some really good advice on budgeting and personal finance, in addition to advice on child support etc. YANBU expecting child support outside of the loan arrangement, but YABU not having any plan to repay the loan, since he's obviously not going to suddenly turn round and say "Oh, never mind, keep the £2,000"

Statistically: I know - what the hell do some people think maintenance is paying for? As if, if the absent fathers had the children, they would be fine living in a ditch and drinking cow milk straight from the cow!

I'm baffled tbh. This guy is trying to have his cake and eat it. He said she can pay back the 2k when she finishes her degree- roughly 1.5 years away - yet thinks he should pay no money until then? Erm...no

Statistically: Absolutely. He is ejtber accumulating debt himself in the form of backdated maintenance OR she is repaying him as we speak. He can't have it both ways.

If he's going to be a dick talk to the CSA and get an attachment of earnings.

My point is: what is she doing to financially support her child? If she's at university and not working, then not much. Of course he should be paying maintenance, but this is not a situation where she can't go out to work because she's constrained by childcare issues or EBF or whatever, since if it was then she wouldn't be at uni.

He needs to do his bit in supporting his child, but so does she! And she needs to pay back the money she borrowed.

he offered you an interest free loan so he could retain some control over you

The op says: "I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat".

Metallic: It's irrelevant that she is in uni. It makes no difference to his obligations whatsoever.

Trifleorbust where has OP said the father hasn't been giving her money for the last 10 months?