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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

231 replies

IncognitoPony · 18/11/2016 10:58

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.

WIBU?

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 18/11/2016 12:26

Money which wasn't due for repayment until she finishes her degree.

She is supporting her child by building a better future for them. If she quit her degree chances are they wouldn't be much better off - minimum wage job, she would lose student finance plus childcare grants...and that would be their future. Or she sticks it out and can become much more independent and self supporting in the future.

Short termism will get them nowhere.

MLGs · 18/11/2016 12:27

If he's not giving you the CM you should have then at the very least it needs to come off the debt. He can't not pay you and expect to have the whole lot back aswell.

However, I actually think he is being U in not paying the CM in any event, as it's for your child. Doesn't he care whether you child is being looked after?

WaitrosePigeon · 18/11/2016 12:27

Don't give up your studies - it will be worth it financially in the long term.

You need to go for child maintenance.

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 12:27

If he has been paying she wouldn't need to 'arrange some payments'. She would be asking for an increase to existing payments. Sorry but that's basic comprehension of the original post.

BoffinMum · 18/11/2016 12:28

I think you should both go to mediation. He needs to agree to pay some maintenance, you need to come up with a repayment schedule for the loan. It may be that one cancels the other out but you need an informal written agreement that is fair to both sides. Then moving forward you need to map out a more reliable and reasonable financial path for yourselves, to ensure your DD has her needs met properly by both parents.

JellyBelli · 18/11/2016 12:28

peggyundercrackers

the 3rd line of OP's post;
The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD

slenderisthenight · 18/11/2016 12:28

I think you should look on that loan as a lump sum of support and work out when it will be 'paid' and his actual payments should begin.

I have no time for people who say they know they have a debt but they don't have the money to pay it. Do you really never spend one penny unnecessarily?

metallicnails · 18/11/2016 12:29

Yes, I know her being in university doesn't change his obligation to her child. Which if you actually take the time to read my post is what I said.

However, she also has an obligation to her child. Being at university and not working for a wage to support that child is not fulfilling it. If she's not coping financially, the answer is to go to work.

Presently, she seems to want him to pay maintenance purely so she can continue her studies, which is so many kinds of wrong I don't have the words for it.

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 12:30

Metallic: But that has nothing to do with what she is asking. I agree with you but it's not remotely on topic.

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 12:32

And your post implies that if she was coping financially, it would be fine for him not to contribute to his child, which is bollocks. Why should she be solely responsible and he chip in if she is drowning in bills? He needs to do his bit whether she is penniless or rolling in it - his child is a non-negotiable responsibility.

metallicnails · 18/11/2016 12:35

It's a non-negotiable responsibility for her, too. And I think she's irresponsible given the timescales involved.

If this was the other way around and it was a man studying at university instead of working when he had a young child, he'd be told to man up and get a job to support his child. I don't see that it's any different because she's the mother.

She also needs to find a way to pay back the money she owes him.

Yes, he's being unreasonable (although he could argue that paying the deposit on her flat is meeting his daughter's needs) but she's being far, far more so.

trulybadlydeeply · 18/11/2016 12:39

I think you need to get all the evidence you have (texts, messages, emails etc) that this was an interest free loan, and that he was happy for you to pay it back once you finished your studies.

Then you also need to go through the proper channels for CM. These are two separate issues, and need to be dealt with separately. He lent YOU the money, it wasn't for your DD (although obviously she should benefit long term) therefore he still needs to be supporting his child.

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 12:40

University isn't free, Metallic. The OP will be taking on student debt and probably living loans (certainly she hasn't lived for 10 months on 2k deposit her ex contributed). How she is living is relevant to a wider discussion of how to deal with her financial situation, but not to any discussion of what her ex does or does need to pay. Why are you intent on harping on about this as if it were relevant?

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 12:43

And no, he can't argue the deposit is meeting his daughter's needs, unless he prepared to write off the debt AS WELL as start paying CM. How long do you think him giving her 2k (which he didn't, it was a loan) should excuse him from further contributions? If you assume he earns an average wage (25k or so) he has given her 10% of his annual salary pre tax. Great, but hardly a get-out-of-jail card for the next year of his child's life.

StatisticallyChallenged · 18/11/2016 12:44

She really is not.

If your hypothetical father was only studying, not working pt and didn't have significant care responsibilities towards the child then he'd be unreasonable not to try and work alongside uni.
The OP suggests she is responsible for caring for her dd aLongside uni so the situations are not equivalent

If two uni students snagged in first year resulting in a baby I would not expect either of them to give up their studies unless they had no alternative. In this case there is an alternative - support from the other parent.

He:
-was abusive to the mother of his child

  • lent money on one basis and is now demanding repayment on another knowing it is not possible
-refuses to support his child financially -won't disclose income figures to allow a reasonable solution to even be calculated

She
-borrowed money to house their child
-agreed to repay at a time she would be able to (after completing degree)

  • is continuing studying to improve their child's life in the future
  • is the main carer for the child
-has asked the dad to pay maintenance

Oh yeah she's far worse...

Briarthorn · 18/11/2016 12:44

How much in childcare / nursery fees would the XP need in order to keep his job if he was the resident parent? He should deduct 50% of that from what the OP owes. She's probably paid him back already.

Penfold007 · 18/11/2016 12:49

OP it might be best if you pulled together as much evidence of the loan as possible. You do need to pay back the loan. Ex has a legal obligation to support his child. Go to CMS and start a claim from the date the child was born. You should then be able to come to a formal agreement

slenderisthenight · 18/11/2016 12:50

How long do you think him giving her 2k (which he didn't, it was a loan) should excuse him from further contributions?

Until the contributions equal 2k of course.

LovelyBranches · 18/11/2016 12:52

Op you are looking after your dd, studying and managing on very little. I think you need a medal because that sounds really tough. You asked for an interest free loan because your ex told you to do so. He's now moving the goalposts as to when that loan should be repaid. That's not fair.

Also, he owes you for the last 10 months cm, and he needs to keep up with regular cm payments in the future. You didn't make this baby on your own, and if the shoe was on the other foot, could he do his job with a 10 month old without incurring far more expensive costs that cm? I don't think so. My ds goes to nursery three days a week and his childcare is nearly £700 a month.

YANBU to suggest that you both contribute to the upbringing of your daughter, or to stick with the original, agreed terms of the load repayment ie, after your degree ends.

StatisticallyChallenged · 18/11/2016 12:52

How is she supposed to know when he won't even discuss what he earns?

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 12:56

Slender: And what about the contributions he hasn't been making since the baby was born? Hopefully those count?

Mummyme1987 · 18/11/2016 12:59

You can't backdate with the cms. So phone today.

LadyTmalia · 18/11/2016 13:00

Going back to what a previous poster has said, IF he lent you the money for a deposit for accommodation - do make sure that you get that money back yourself when you rental agreement ends.

Mummyme1987 · 18/11/2016 13:01

What happened before is not taken into account.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/11/2016 13:01

OP, good on you, for working hard to make a future, for you and your daughter.You are well into your course, do not give it up.
Thank goodness for people on the forum, who come up trumps, like Redannie, above.
I think your ex partner is enjoying, having his foot on your head.
As you said, you can pay him back, when you secure a job.
Good luck.💐

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