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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague doesn't drink for religious reasons, so we're never allowed to go anywhere that serves alcohol. AIBU to find this irritating?

517 replies

AChristmasCactus · 15/11/2016 16:38

I work with a girl in her early twenties who's muslim.

We are trying to organise a Christmas meal, but we can't go anywhere that has a bar serving alcohol, and we can't have alcohol on the table so none of us can drink.

I feel that she's entitled to her views but to force it on the rest of the group is unnecessary. I'm vegan but wouldn't insist that people eat vegetarian food around me. I don't feel that religion is any different.

At the same time, I'm not exactly a drinker so I don't care as I can go with out. But I think it's the judgemental/controlling aspect that gets on my nerves. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 15/11/2016 17:19

TBH I think the leaving bacon comment was more saying that this is the sort of thing which will happen if she pushes her views very strongly on others - i.e. people will rebel and start doing stupid petty shit. I don't think the poster was recommending it.

WorraLiberty, did you even read the OPs posts? She's explained quite clearly that this particular woman HAS demanded her needs are pandered too. Most Muslims might not - this one has.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/11/2016 17:19

she sounds really strict and a bit difficult to be honest.

I have a Muslim friend who lives in Dubai, she prefers Halal but if not she's veggie (apart from fish) and doesn't drink and has to wear Hijab when out. She's not rigid at all though (she was brought up a more liberal Muslim not wearing HIjab as a youngster).

My colleagues who are Muslim don't care either way, they just socialise with us and pick the veggie or fish option and have a soft drink.

listsandbudgets · 15/11/2016 17:21

Wow!! YADNBU

I've worked with plenty of Muslims over the years and have plenty of Muslim friends and they've happily attended events where alcohol is being served and simply not had any themselves. Simple.

As for the halal question - if she's that bothered she'll go for the vegetarian option or eat fish.

I am not able to drink alcohol because it mixes terribly with a medication I'm on (certainly for years, probably for life :( ) - I'll let the office manager know that we have to go somewhere that does not serve alcohol as its not fair on me. That will make me popular Grin

Floggingmolly · 15/11/2016 17:21

She's being a diva. Muslims are not banned from being in the presence of alcohol, and nobody's going to force her to drink it.

HeyRobot · 15/11/2016 17:21

To be honest, the Christmas party was a nightmare for a number of reasons! Buying all the board members' secret santa gifts was a joke because most of the gifts were from me!

Original poster
AChristmasCactus · 15/11/2016 17:21

I am not able to drink alcohol because it mixes terribly with a medication I'm on (certainly for years, probably for life sad ) - I'll let the office manager know that we have to go somewhere that does not serve alcohol as its not fair on me. That will make me popular

That's the same reason I can't drink! The combination knocks me out for 12+ hours.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 15/11/2016 17:22

Agree that halal is not obligatory if it goes against the beliefs of others as muslims can have the vegetarian option, which many do at meals out, because it should be down to where the majority want to go. If the majority wanted to go to a halal restaurant with no alcohol then fine, OP and anyone else who didn't want to eat halal could have the vegetarian/vegan option and go for drinks after the meal if they wanted to.

As a meat eating occasional drinker if I was your colleagues I'd be concerned about finding places with vegan options as those are suitable for anyone including those who only eat halal meat.

Original poster
AChristmasCactus · 15/11/2016 17:24

As a meat eating occasional drinker if I was your colleagues I'd be concerned about finding places with vegan options as those are suitable for anyone including those who only eat halal meat.

I think that'd make me pretty unpopular! I don't know if I'd ever want to float that as an option. I'm happy eating veg surrounded by people with steak.

OP posts:
MaudlinNamechange · 15/11/2016 17:24

"Honestly, if you already have issues in the team and religion is being thrown into the mix and not helping with planning 'bonding' I think you need to tread very carefully."

I agree. this meal is intended to be doing a particular job in bringing the team together and it won't work - either because everything about it will be dominated by one person's requirements, and there will be resentment; or because the team won't meet the requirements, will try to compromise in a way that is seen as "not good enough" and that will cause division.

Do a lovely tea instead. Make it earlier (having it during work time will also be good for morale) and have an informal / unspoken option for some to go on for drinks afterwards if they like. have tea, coffee, cake, team gift-giving, and everyone be nice to each other.

VestalVirgin · 15/11/2016 17:24

The halal problem is easily solved, go to a vegetarian or vegan restaurant, or one that offers a variety of vegetarian dishes.

I don't drink alcohol, and I don't like to go to places where people go to drink alcohol, because of how drunk people behave.

However, I see no problem at all with going to a place where alcohol is served alongside meals. People don't tend to get drunk there.

mommybunny · 15/11/2016 17:24

Good grief - I need a drink after reading this thread Grin Wine!

Ahickiefromkinickie · 15/11/2016 17:24

MissVictoria

Seriously though, it's christmas meal and she's muslim, why is she going anyway?

And yet your type are always complaining that Muslims don't integrate. Doesn't take much for you to rub your hands in glee and crawl out of the woodwork with your offensive views.

Greengoddess12 · 15/11/2016 17:24

Well I wouldn't go to be honest where on earth would you find an alcohol free restaurant?

Stuff that.

I work to pay the bills not put up with crap like that.

I only socialise with friends and I have no controlling entitled friends.

Admit defeat op as you will end u being blamed.

Owllady · 15/11/2016 17:25

Alot of people feel uncomfortable about being around large groups of very drunk people though. I'm not saying your actual group will get very drunk tbf but I know when used to work in retail I never used to drink on the Christmas do's as they always got out of hand and it made me feel uncomfortable (there is a reason for this but now isn't the time)
And
I'm not religious
And
I drink like a fish normally Confused
That said, I don't think she should dictate what you all do. You aren't forcing her to drink and she's doesn't have to attend and maybe you can suggest a more sober daytime affair in the new year

IAmAmy · 15/11/2016 17:25

If she's in her early 20s how can she be a girl?

Vix17 · 15/11/2016 17:25

If it is just for your team could you go for a lunch somewhere at a nice cafe? Less likely to serve alcohol and people are less likely to feel like they are missing out. If some people wanted to go for drinks in the evening after work then it would be a separate occasion which people who don't drink could opt out of.

YANBU to be irritated, the needs of one shouldn't (potentially) ruin the event for many.

Trifleorbust · 15/11/2016 17:27

Sounds like people are being a bit too polite about this. "Colleague, we understand that you don't drink and would prefer to go somewhere where alcohol isn't served, but as everyone else will want to have a drink, we are going to go with X. We hope you will still come."

If this isn't being imposed by management, it doesn't have to be done in the way you describe.

QueenLaBeefah · 15/11/2016 17:28

Why not ask her if she has any recommendations? Because I'm struggling to think of any restaurant in my home city where alcohol isn't served or at least consumed.

Basically force her to sort out her own problem. (I would imagine she will find it impossible to offer a solution).

idontlikealdi · 15/11/2016 17:29

One person should not get to dictate to a whole ye for any reason. If she doesn't like it she shouldn't go and if she's that strict anyway why celebrate Christmas. I can't think of anywhere here that doesn't serve alcohol apart from cafes / sandwich bars. BYO doesn't even work because how are you going to control what other people bring.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2016 17:29

Yes StatisticallyChallenged of course I've read the OP's posts.

AyeAmarok · 15/11/2016 17:29

I worked with someone like this OP, eventually, unfortunately, it did split the group as employer would only pay for one meal and so people could only go to one.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 15/11/2016 17:29

we've had some differences within the team, so the point of the meal is for us to have fun outside work and get to know each other a bit

Does it have to be a meal? It sounds as though a meal is going to be such a minefield that it's going to make differences worse rather than better. Can you think of an activity that you could do for team bonding instead?

SpunkyMummy · 15/11/2016 17:30

You aren't being unreasonable.

Her insistence is incredibly weird.

As for the halal, couldn't she simply eat something vegetarian? Or wouldn't she eat it if the plate it's served in has ever been in contact with pork?

She sounds quite intolerant, trying to dictate to others where they can or can't eat.
And seriously, what would she do if others in your office had their own dietary demands? Somebody could try to insist on going to a kosher or Buddhist restaurant and see how she'd react. I feel like this would be slightly mean. on the other hand, it might just show her how unreasonable her demands are...

One of my uncles is Buddhist and vegan. sure, he usually says that he'd love it if they went to a restaurant with vegan options. But if they don't then he either asks the restaurant if he can bring his own (a surprising a isn't if family restaurants are ok with this when he explains it's for religious reasons...) or he simply orders rice and veggies or fries...

BerylStreep · 15/11/2016 17:30

I think it is a quite controlling, but I suppose the easiest thing to do it to choose an activity to do then go for a bite to eat afterwards. I thought the BYO suggestion was good.

So for example, bowling, then on to a BYO restaurant afterwards which has a vegetarian option. It accommodates her to an extent, but doesn't stop people from having a drink.

Who is actually organising this? Is it you OP, or is it being done by consensus? I think it would be preferable if you can just go ahead and arrange.

What are the 'difficulties in the team'?

BakeOffBiscuits · 15/11/2016 17:30

We went to an awards do, where we were sat at a large table with a Muslim couple, there was no alcohol at the table and the second they left, everyone started drinking.

HOWEVER we know that the couple in question didn't ask for a no alcohol table, it was just assumed they'd be offended Hmm