to be fed up at another visit from the in-laws?

[Fianceechickie]

My in laws live in Ireland and they left yesterday after a four night visit. Just before they left they booked more flights for 8th Dec to come for another five nights. I know they want to see their son (my DH) and their grandchildren (my DSCs) but its wearing me out. We only have three bedrooms so when they come, they have to be given our room. There is seven of us in the house when they are here as, understandably they want to come when the DSCs are also visiting. They are lovely people and I like them very much but I don't sleep well on the lilo in the lounge and I'm finding the planning, shopping and cooking for 7 people really hard. I'm a teacher so need to also try to work at home but with only a kitchen diner, lounge and three beds, its impossible when they're here and anyway I feel like all I do is prepare food with brief breaks. I can't ask them to sleep on the lilo as my mum in law has bad back and father in law is 6 foot 4 and about 25 stone and anyway they sleep so long every morning (11.30 ish) that they would be in the way in the lounge. They go to bed correspondingly late too. I did think of maybe putting the kids all in one room but my son is 13, DSS 9 and DSD 11 and its not really appropriate for them all to be in the same room. My DH is worried in particular that his DD shouldn't share with my DS. Just feeling really fed up. Have also posted on the meals page to get food ideas!

I may suggest the idea of DSS sleeping on a camp bed in our room, though DH has also said that he doesn't want her sleeping on a put you up...he feels one of the boys should give up his bed in some old fashioned chivalrous way (that doesn't seem to apply to me!). I think you are right Mommy...their lives don't have much going on and they really like coming over. I think as you say they convince themselves its okay...to be fair I do give the impression I don't mind and always go out of my way. My FIL gave me some recipes last time I was over there. I cooked them for him when he was here...yes I know...

I would invent a reason why you can't give up your room this time... perhaps you have a bad back/hip pain? Send them a link to local B&B or Air B&B. Or just be honest and say you don't have the space, you found it too cramped and uncomfortable last time and you need your sleep.

They are being very selfish to turf you out of your bedroom and plan the next visit so soon.

Hmm, there seem to be quite a lot of sexism traditionalism going on with your husband - mums and wives do the cooking and caring, boys are chivalrous? Would you say he is a feminist? Good questions to ask him in any discussions are1) why do my needs come last 2) why do you and father in law not contribute, esp as mil is ill, and 3) are you going to feel comfortable if, in twenty five years, your intelligent and presumably well educated daughter has to do all the shopping cooking and clearing up for the menfolk???

I am Irish but don't live there - I love it soooo much but when I look back at some of the ingrained sexism I grew up with (no idea if this was different elsewhere) I am horrified! The Irish mum who works her finger to the bone for all was quite common!

If DH has such a problem with DSD sleeping in same room as your DS, why doesn't DS sleep with you in the camp bed, and DSD can sleep with her own brother? That is, until you can sort out a permanent solution either with your planned extension or a better bed for the ILs in the lounge? Sorry if I missed something in the discussion of those dynamics...

I would also remind dh that you happen to have an oncredibly difficult and stressful week at work coinciding with PIL visit. no point mentioning that the root cause is the PIL being there, your lack of sleep, problems marking etc

This means that he needs to be in charge of the rota for everything while they are here; you will be doing the Sunday meal as outlined and the he has to sort the rest of it.

Whether he buys and makes food, gets mil and fil to cook, orders takeaway, lives on beans for the week, you don't care.

It's all his decision. He needs to sort it as you are not able to as you are every other week. So he needs to remember breakfast stuff, lunch stuff for his parents if he wants them to eat lunch, cleaning stuff, washing stuff - the whole caboodle.

And then sit back and watch what happens...

Caravan sounds like a plan.

Or a camp bed/blow up single bed and you go to your DSD's bedroom. Ideally DSD sleeps on the temporary bed, or if your "D"H has views even on that, then you take turns. That way at least your ILs late stay ups and having to sleep on the lilo impacts only him.

Regarding the meals, I think I'd do the halfway house thing. Organise a delivery to come when ILs are in and you are out and buy really easy to heat cheap meals i.e. frozen fish and chips, pizza, mince for spag-bol if you feel like pushing the boat out on your night to cook. Tell DH and In-laws what time to put stuff in the oven and then arrive home to meal. One night is takeaway or if your "D"H doesn't like it - well then he can pull together a dinner, easy enough to bung on a ready meal or microwave a Tesco curry.

I can't believe the cheek of FIL giving you recipes, and tbh I can't believe your doormat tendencies in actually cooking the damn things. Just No. They may be less keen to come when it's Asda own brand breaded fish and frozen peas that they need to heat up and dole out themselves.

I wouldn't be seeking your "D"Hs approval for any of this by the way. Just tell him that's how its going to be, then if he kicks off tell him that you'll not even do the grocery shop and you and your DS will absent yourselves from the house for the visit.

You also need to practice being more assertive. When In-laws mention dates that don't suit you either say "No that won't work" or you say "Well as we'll both be at work that week it isn't great, unless you're able to most of the meals and we change the sleeping arrangements. We love to see you but it's really tricky when we both have such full on jobs."

Just no! No more overseeing the food. You cook one meal and they sort themselves out. No ordering in shopping, doing a shop, etc. You're already sleeping on the floor whilst they're in your BED!

I'd take my son and go to my parents for their next visit, tbh.

Your dh needs to get on board re-thinking the bed situation.

I do feel a little bit sorry for the in laws as they clearly have no idea how much they are imposing, I imagine your dh says things like we love having you and don't leave it long til your back type things and they have taken him at his word. Also the next visit is in lieu of Christmas and cheaper than posting presents so I wouldn't take yourself and your son off to a hotel or colleagues house as others have suggested.

Re the recipes, do they think you love cooking? Perhaps they worry about cooking for you if you are very good. But again your dh needs to step up and do his share.

Ooh OP next time FIL is there, print out some of your favourite recipes and hand them to him, saying 'here you go - I've cooked your favourites last time, this time it's your turn to cook my favourites for when I get home from work, I've got a really heavy day coming at school today and the next few days so as you're not doing anything it's your turn to cook for everybody for the next couple of days. You know where the supermarket is don't you. I'm really looking forward to trying your cooking and even more, not having to cook myself' and then just walk out.

If he tries to protest that he doesn't like cooking or similar treat him like a toddler 'don't be silly FIL, whatever gave you the idea that you have to like cooking to do it. I don't but I still cook even when I would prefer to collapse with a bowl of cereal. That's what parents do. And remember it's 2016 not the 1950s - being a man is no excuse to turn the women into their slaves!'

And then sit back and see if he does make anything...

I'd be tempted to borrow the caravan and move into it myself, with a few ready meals. Heavy marking and planning workload that week, just making sure all your piles of books don't get in the way...

I think you are right gentle...he does say stuff like and that and so do I, more so than him probably. I always make them feel like its no imposition and I don't mind at all, welcome any time, that sort of thing. I just kind of thought they wouldn't actually take me at my word as they seem to be doing atm! And yes, I do enjoy cooking and they may feel a bit intimidated. I read a lot of cook books and wax lyrical about food and restaurants and stuff I have cooked/want to cook so yes they may well feel that that means I am okay with catering for the extended family and I would be if it were less often or for less nights at a time and if I weren't so bloody knackered! I think I really have been too nice, too accommodating and ended up making a rod for my own back. Anyway have spoken to DH tonight...it was a difficult conversation but he was okay with the sleeping arrangements changing and is going to do some of the cooking. I compromised on the planning...we're going to go to the supermarket together. He actually looked quite panicked when I insisted he go alone!

'Dutiful daughter in law act'. I swear, OP, at that point, I would have fucking flipped. What century does he think he's in?! Piece of piss, put dsd on lilo in your room, double bed for her when PILs aren't there, they have her room. Why should your DS move? Dsd is young enough not to care and it avoids all the dh's weird ideas that it's 'wrong' to have her in with the boys.

Oh well done, OP, good work!

I think you and DH need to discuss the bone of contention mentioned earlier - fair division of household chores, after all you work almost full time so it should be 50:50.

Well done OP. I think generally you do probably need to have a conversation about household chores as it sounds like with 1 day 'off' you are expected to do just about everything around the house. Do you have a cleaner? I would definitely send him shopping more often, even with a list you have done. He will get used to it. My friend's dh does all the shopping and she 'only' works 3 days a week, she just hates shopping. He also does some of the cooking on the days she works. And he's an Aussie man!

we're going to go to the supermarket together. He actually looked quite panicked when I insisted he go alone!

He's pathetic.

Sorry OP, I know he's your DH and you love him. But he's PATHETIC. A grown adult being frightened of going to the shops alone? Isn't he ashamed?

Sapphire that is exactly the word that sprang into my mind. Pathetic

How can you love, respect or even fancy a man that can't perform a simple task like that? Or not without help and / or throwing a strop

I'll say again what I said on the first page:

"He doesn't care how you feel. So long as he doesn't have to perform a simple domestic task he doesn't care that his life partner, who is supposed to love, is feeling shit and put upon and stressed and tired. He simply doesn't care. He doesn't care about you OP. That's the long and the short of it."

That's a good start OP. Please tell me you are going to stay in your own room next time. And work on not giving them the impression that they can come anytime. Your husband might be less inclined to have them over so often when he has to do some of the work involved.
Honestly don't martyr yourself. It sounds like you do like them, which is good but would like them more if they visited a bit less, or at times when you are not working.

Mine doesn't like going to the supermarket either but I'm not sympathetic to it at all. The supermarket is where the food is, so what are you gonna do? Be off with you.

we're going to go to the supermarket together. He actually looked quite panicked when I insisted he go alone!

I suspect that the panic is more to do with his worries that you are going to expect him to do more from now on, and coming to the supermarket with you is a way of placating you to get you back on task. You can't honestly believe he's incapable of grocery shopping without you?

My ten year old son does more than your husband OP. I feel very sorry for you as I can see you are in pretty deep, but I feel that he is treating you like shit and cannot empathise with you at all. Even Cinderella got a better deal than this.

Panicking about the supermarket shopping? No. More like panicking because "the worm has turned". Because he can see that his cosy little set up is becoming a bit less cosy for him.

Agree that his strop about going to the supermarket is pathetic. My teenage son goes for me when I ask him to.

You have been stitched up here OP - time to break free and insist on equality in the home.

Hand him an Internet connected device and tell him to order shopping to be delivered. That way you can "supervise" while doing your marking or whatever. The supermarket website will have meal ideas and recipes so he will be able to plan what to feed his family during their visit. At the same time he can order a truckle bed.

Bollocks to the OP 'supervising'. She's not her DH's manager! And can't he figure out for himself that a person can order shopping online?