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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up at another visit from the in-laws?

197 replies

Fianceechickie · 15/11/2016 09:46

My in laws live in Ireland and they left yesterday after a four night visit. Just before they left they booked more flights for 8th Dec to come for another five nights. I know they want to see their son (my DH) and their grandchildren (my DSCs) but its wearing me out. We only have three bedrooms so when they come, they have to be given our room. There is seven of us in the house when they are here as, understandably they want to come when the DSCs are also visiting. They are lovely people and I like them very much but I don't sleep well on the lilo in the lounge and I'm finding the planning, shopping and cooking for 7 people really hard. I'm a teacher so need to also try to work at home but with only a kitchen diner, lounge and three beds, its impossible when they're here and anyway I feel like all I do is prepare food with brief breaks. I can't ask them to sleep on the lilo as my mum in law has bad back and father in law is 6 foot 4 and about 25 stone and anyway they sleep so long every morning (11.30 ish) that they would be in the way in the lounge. They go to bed correspondingly late too. I did think of maybe putting the kids all in one room but my son is 13, DSS 9 and DSD 11 and its not really appropriate for them all to be in the same room. My DH is worried in particular that his DD shouldn't share with my DS. Just feeling really fed up. Have also posted on the meals page to get food ideas!

OP posts:
Brankolium · 15/11/2016 11:35

They're there 5 nights?

That's one adult to be responsible for one evening meal each, and the kids to pitch in together for the last one.

RugbyMum14 · 15/11/2016 11:37

While you're in work, surely MIL could throw something together in the slow cooker?
I would sleep in daughters room, leave your husband to sleep on lilo/stay up too late.

ishallconquerthat · 15/11/2016 11:38

If no one wants to cook or pay for take aways, buy tesco lasagnas for each night and tell people to heat them in the microwave every night. Done!

SapphireStrange · 15/11/2016 11:38

Stop doing it. Just stop. What's he going to do?

Agree 100%.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2016 11:42

Sorry I think it's disgusting that they think it's ok to book coming without consulting you. You can then just be little wifey, who works her fingers to the bone and sleeps on the cold hard floor. All manner of NOOOOO.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. And your dh really really needs to get these people to back off. I would be negotiating x number of visits in a year.

If dh refuses to send them to a hotel, I'd be decamping to a hotel myself.

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 11:46

DH hates cooking (and anything connected with it) but yes its a bone of contention that he doesn't do more

diddums, the poor dear Hmm

Op make him do the bloody cooking

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 11:47

You can then just be little wifey, who works her fingers to the bone and sleeps on the cold hard floor

This

Lalunya85 · 15/11/2016 11:48

Madness.

Both your IL and DH need to cook/tidy/prepare sheets, towels etc. They are HIS parents.

My FIL is staying with us for two weeks at the moment. My DH sorted out everything for his visit. I do the cooking most days, so obviously cook for him, and make sure I shop enough for an extra person etc. But mostly it's DH's responsibility to cater for his visit.

What would happen if you just told your DH that you're ok with them coming, but won't be facilitating this time and it's all up to him?

SapphireStrange · 15/11/2016 11:50

surely MIL could throw something together in the slow cooker?

Or FIL...? Just a thought.

JennyOnAPlate · 15/11/2016 11:50

Dh needs to step up to the plate and organise the feeding of his own bloody parents!

I hate cooking but funnily enough I do it anyway because my children need to eat Confused

RugbyMum14 · 15/11/2016 11:51

Another thought, could you not fake a cold/illness next time they are here? force your husband to do everything? retreat to bed early with a cup of soup and apologise (make sure you grab summit tasty to eat to/from work so you're not hungry).

I would let them learn how much you do/make it hard for everyone bar you for a change

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/11/2016 11:55

Get your DSD a double bed, PIL sleep in her room, she shares with you (or they take your room, you share with her), your husband wherever the feck he likes.

And start standing up to him! Or do you want to be just like his mum? Tough shit that he doesn't like cooking; it still has to be done. Tough shit that he works long hours and it's stressful; you're a teacher, in what way is your job not long hours and stressful? Tough shit that he doesn't want to pay for a takeaway; let him tell his parents he's not feeding them tonight.

I agree with others - you do not have a PIL problem, you have a husband problem.

Blobby10 · 15/11/2016 11:58

Apologies if I have missed someone else posting this but it seems weird that your in laws are in debt and cant afford a hotel/B&B but they can afford to fly over from Ireland virtually every month?! Confused

ZoeTurtle · 15/11/2016 11:59

God these useless husbands infuriate me! How can you bear being married to someone like that? How can you respect them??

YATotallyNBU, OP. Stand up to these dicks.

SapphireStrange · 15/11/2016 12:01

Another thought, could you not fake a cold/illness next time they are here?

Bollocks to that kind of game-playing. Just be upfront.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 15/11/2016 12:01

So you have three bedrooms and an air bed type thing for the living room, right? So, PILs in one room, your and your husband in another, two boys in the third and daughter on the air bed would work.

Also, my husband hated cooking and didn't see why he should have to when all his life there had been women who were more than willing to look after him. When I explained to him that I wasn't giving him a choice, and daily cooking isn't fun for anyone, he reconsidered. Now he cooks about half the time . If you wanted to, you could make large meals and freeze for reheating (not by you!) when needed, but I'm not sure you should really have to.

liletsthepink · 15/11/2016 12:08

Op, you need to tell your DH how badly these visits are affecting you. He will respect you more if you become more assertive about what you need. I would be tempted to stay in a hotel with your DS while pil visit in December.

Rachel0Greep · 15/11/2016 12:09

Something definitely needs to change OP.
I think most of the suggestions I have, have already been made. It's really unfair of your husband and his parents. But, it's costing them little or nothing and they are all getting well looked after, at your expense, possibly at the expense of your health, so they see no reason to change unfortunately.
I can't comprehend anyone feeling comfortable knowing that they are disrupting a household to that extent, knowing people are sleeping on a lilo, and not even able to get to the blasted thing until late because they stay up late. It's extremely selfish, at the very least. Your husband has to sort this out. In the short term, I would be making the December visit a lot less comfortable.

Then again, I would not give up my own room for ANYONE Grin.

Stormtreader · 15/11/2016 12:13

Theyre treating you like a cheap hotel, but its only cheap because youre paying for the food etc and doing all the boring drudge work, no wonder theyre over so much!

MNRandom · 15/11/2016 12:18

I know I'm in the minority but I say let the adults behave like adults. Adults cook and clean for themselves so let them get on with it whilst your at work. In regards to sleeping arrangements, if it's too much of a squeeze getting 7 people sleeping comfortably, let the in laws stay in b&b. If they can't due to their own debts, so be it. They don't get to stay as often.

Current situation, You are totally sacrificing your own life, leisure & comfort for grown adults. What do you get in return?

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 15/11/2016 12:21

Why in earth are you putting up with this op?

if they are so keen on seeing their DGC and Dh they have to go somewhere it's not going to inconvienient you.

I think you've done your dues now.

If you can't get them in hotel next visit you have to make sure they know next visit they will be.

Stop being a door mat!

Needmoresleep · 15/11/2016 12:23

Any holiday rentals near you? You should be able to negotiate a really low price at this time of year. That way you don't have to clean, and they can invite you over for dinner, or have the DGC over during the day. In short give you a break rather than add to your burden.

ExConstance · 15/11/2016 12:26

If they can't afford a B&B or to pay for meals how come they can afford the flights. Surely they should come less often and pay their way?

JennyPocket · 15/11/2016 12:27

You can get an inflatable double bed from Tescos. It has a built-in plug inflator, so you just plug in and stand back & watch! Inflates in less than 5 mins. It also has a built in deflator. Packs down into a rucksack size, comes with storage bag. Highly recommended.

Mysterycat23 · 15/11/2016 12:29

What blobby said. They can't be that broke if they can afford to fly over so often! Suggestion up thread to sleep with DD and leave DH to it downstairs - is that an option OP?