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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up at another visit from the in-laws?

197 replies

Fianceechickie · 15/11/2016 09:46

My in laws live in Ireland and they left yesterday after a four night visit. Just before they left they booked more flights for 8th Dec to come for another five nights. I know they want to see their son (my DH) and their grandchildren (my DSCs) but its wearing me out. We only have three bedrooms so when they come, they have to be given our room. There is seven of us in the house when they are here as, understandably they want to come when the DSCs are also visiting. They are lovely people and I like them very much but I don't sleep well on the lilo in the lounge and I'm finding the planning, shopping and cooking for 7 people really hard. I'm a teacher so need to also try to work at home but with only a kitchen diner, lounge and three beds, its impossible when they're here and anyway I feel like all I do is prepare food with brief breaks. I can't ask them to sleep on the lilo as my mum in law has bad back and father in law is 6 foot 4 and about 25 stone and anyway they sleep so long every morning (11.30 ish) that they would be in the way in the lounge. They go to bed correspondingly late too. I did think of maybe putting the kids all in one room but my son is 13, DSS 9 and DSD 11 and its not really appropriate for them all to be in the same room. My DH is worried in particular that his DD shouldn't share with my DS. Just feeling really fed up. Have also posted on the meals page to get food ideas!

OP posts:
Ladymuck · 15/11/2016 10:40

Fish and chips is usually a fairly cheap takeaway for larger numbers IME.

Otherwise I would have to batch cook at least a couple of nights worth in advance. And definitely rope everyone else in.

I'd check around at what local B&Bs etc charge. It doesn't have to be a "hotel". It sounds as if you just need to be able to sleep in your own bed.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2016 10:40

ts an odd marriage in some ways, he does pretty much what he likes and she doesn't really stand up to him.

Ahem...

Ncbecauseitshard · 15/11/2016 10:42

You and your son should go to a hotel for the duration.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/11/2016 10:42

I am so heartily sick and tired of reading about all these pathetic men children. He's tired is he? Stressful job? What the actual fuck does he think you do? Or how you feel?

Actually I'll answer that question. He doesn't care how you feel. So long as he doesn't have to perform a simple domestic task he doesn't care that his life partner, who is supposed to love, is feeling shit and put upon and stressed and tired. He simply doesn't care. He doesn't care about you OP. That's the long and the short of it.

I'd be saying to DH that I'm working late every night that week and staying with a friend to sleep as the lilo is hurting your back. And do it. Leave them to it.

liquidrevolution · 15/11/2016 10:43

Could you not go in with your DSD? Two girls in one room is one less adult suffering from lack of sleep.

If Your DH does not want to cook then he has to pay for a takeaway one night and all other food has to be bought ready prepared so its easy to pop in oven, microwave etc. Expensive but cheaper than paying for a hotel or eating out every night.

I would also veto any further visits limiting them to 3 nights and with at least 2 or 3 full months between them.

Artistic · 15/11/2016 10:48

Your options are few and apart from what others have suggested -

  • can't they use the children's room & each child takes a turn to sleep in the lounge?so it's not always you getting moved out of your bedroom
  • can you batch cook & freeze in advance or get some quick/ ready meal options beforehand so your days get easier while they are here. If I have guests staying on a work day I need to have food ready in the fridge..can't cook & clean for so many over & above what a work day entails
  • I think you are taking on too much of the burden. If you can't share the cooking then at least you need to get a good nights sleep in your own bed. I would never give up my bedroom for anyone visiting. Find another option!
EweAreHere · 15/11/2016 10:50

No way. No way, no way, no way.

You're a teacher? Even a four day schedule means you likely work loads of hours.

I don't care if other people don't 'like' cooking or they're 'tired'. You're tired, too, and they are your husband's guests as well, and your guests are family and are coming frequently. They should be throwing in more, doing their share, without having to constantly be asked and organized by you.

I'd stop the visits until you have a guest room or they can afford to stay nearby. No way.

FinallyHere · 15/11/2016 10:54

As NannyOgg said upthread, Ahem, cough cough

Its an odd marriage in some ways, he does pretty much what he likes and she doesn't really stand up to him. I am sucking it up....

Now might be a good time to schedule some time with your husband and ask him to find a way forward that works for you all not just his parents and his daughter. I know what it is like, to start by wanting to make family welcome but now you are carrying them all and it really isn't fair. Get him to work out a solution and lead the way to implement it.....all the very best.

scallopsrgreat · 15/11/2016 10:56

Awww he doesn't like cooking. That's OK then. He doesn't ever have to do it. No matter how much running around you have to do.

So he feels bad about the strain on you. What does he actually do to alleviate that strain? Or is it all just words?

Raise your expectations.

Babieseverywhere · 15/11/2016 10:56

I take it the visits are on going into the foreseeable future, so you need a more permanent solution. What about...

1.Leave DS and DSS in their room.

  1. Stay in your own room and have camp bed for DSD on floor in with you.
  1. Invest in a double bed for DSD room which will double up as guest bed for inlaws when they visit.

Once you are getting a proper nights sleep, you can sort out the rest !

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/11/2016 10:59

And I'd be putting the kids on the floor rather than myself too.

Babieseverywhere · 15/11/2016 11:01

Plus the two oldest kids can prepare simple meals. Sandwiches, pasta and sauce, salads. Get a rota drawn up and get them helping out too.

hateadulting · 15/11/2016 11:02

That's a horrible situation! I would probably say I have a bad back and give them suggestions for nearby accommodation. I'd reckon they wouldn't be so eager to make so many visits if this was the case but also couldn't blame you for it!

I also agree, your husband needs to pick up the slack. TBH if people were coming to stay at my house for 5 nights I would think it'd be the least they could do to bring you out for dinner/buy a takeaway one of the nights!

MistresssIggi · 15/11/2016 11:09

Why do they visit every month? No need for a November AND a December visit surely.

ffon · 15/11/2016 11:10

I'm gob smacked at all of this. So in laws can afford to fly over twice in a matter of weeks but can't buy a meal or a takeaway?
They know you have a pretty demanding job but make it impossible for you to get a decent nights sleep by firstly taking your bed and secondly by staying up late, just because that's what they do.
And yes all of the previous comments on not cooking because they don't like it.
Blimey.

MrsKoala · 15/11/2016 11:13

How late do they stay up op? I expect the hours they keep mean the kids can't sleep in the living room? Can you get a better air bed (my mum has a brilliant one that is very comfy) and get dh to say you need to go to sleep by 11?

Can you batch cook a few meals like a big chilli or curry and do micro rice and bought ready extras like guacamole&sour cream/pitta bread or bhajia and naan? and do a deli picnic type food one night? and ready made chunky soup, crusty bread and cheese another? Do you do all meals or only the evening ones?

MerryMarigold · 15/11/2016 11:15

I think your dh has grown up with that dynamic in a marriage, so of course it will be rubbing off on the way he treats you. Time to get some boundaries up quick and fast. I can't believe he has the actual cheek to say he doesn't like cooking or shopping, but he can't afford takeaway. Shock . Or that his DD can't sleep with your DS, but his parents can come as often as they like apparently. Shock Shock

My dh is pretty bad and really tight with money but even he gets food ordered in when a large number of his family are coming round, and also checks with me when it is a convenient time to have them (I am a SAHM). I think it is beyond cheeky that FIL just booked tickets without clearing it with you, and if he did clear it with you and you didn't say anything, well...

....you need to get some gumption! With your FIL AND your dh. No point moaning on here. I think you can see how unreasonable they are being and it is time to put your foot down, albeit in a calm and reasoned manner.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/11/2016 11:19

Any chance you could go to your family go visit a friend when they next come visit?

I'm betting if you're not around to do all the drudgery your 'd'h will quickly put a stop to quite so many visits, or magically find an alternative that doesn't entail him having to run around after everyone.

If he doesn't like cooking that's just tough, he needs to pitch in. Or find a solution to feeding and putting up his parents so frequently.

Original poster
Fianceechickie · 15/11/2016 11:22

The December visit is because we had invited them for Christmas (when I would have been off work obvs) but they can't come as their daughter is single mum and has to work over Xmas so there's no one to be with her 15yr old over Christmas). Also because they normally spend more on posting a parcel of presents over than Ryan Air flights cost. Its only £10 each way that's why they come Thursday to Tuesday as Friday and Monday flights are way way more expensive. They also bring presents when they come normally and give money to the children so yes I guess you are right if they have money for that, they could be taking us all out. I guess you are right those who've said I'm not standing up to him. I do try...I have tried to insist we put all the kids in together but he won't have it. Have also said after this time they aren't coming during term time until we get the extension. I wanted to get a truckle bed that makes DSDs single in to a double and put them in there and put her in with the boys but as I say he's having none of it. I think I am going to say I'm just not doing all the planning and cooking and if he doesn't want DSD in with the boys, he can pay for a hotel for them. This last stay was booked on FILs phone just before DH took them to the airport...he put me on the spot and felt I had little choice but to go along with it. Had a go at DH last night when he got back, probably not the best time.

OP posts:
pictish · 15/11/2016 11:22

"Maybe an emails starting 'we really love having you'

But then with 'we are trying to work out how we can arrange the visits better so we all stay well rested and able to work and go to school etc. As we'd love them to carry on as frequently as they are."

Please don't send an email like this. You don't love having them and you don't want the visits to remain as frequent as they are. It's bloody exhausting and a total inconvenience for you, sleeping on your lounge floor and having to shop and cook for seven while trying to meet your obligations as a teacher at the same time. The arrangement is insane.

Yes to everything that has been said. There are three other adults in this situation who are all taking a loan of you...but it's mainly your dh at fault. These frequent, extended stays are his responsibility. He either steps up to the plate in hosting them or they don't come.

SapphireStrange · 15/11/2016 11:27

I do try... In the nicest possible way, OP, try harder.

I wanted to get a truckle bed that makes DSDs single in to a double and put them in there and put her in with the boys but as I say he's having none of it. How is he 'having none of it'? What would happen if you ordered a bed and put it in the room?

I think I am going to say I'm just not doing all the planning and cooking and if he doesn't want DSD in with the boys, he can pay for a hotel for them.

Good for you! And stick to it. Remember this thread if you wobble.

he put me on the spot and felt I had little choice but to go along with it You ALWAYS have a choice. You can always say 'No', or if that's too hard, 'Let us think about it and get back to you.'

blueturtle6 · 15/11/2016 11:28

If you do end up on lilo again. Put a spare duvet under you, stops the cold coming through.
But id probably go for staying at work later, and going for a meal with DS

Penfold007 · 15/11/2016 11:29

It's the classic situation, you have a DH problem not a PIL problem.

Neefs · 15/11/2016 11:29

What pretty much all pp have said. Your DH needs to step up and you must tell him how all of this makes you feel.

He feels bad? Not so bad that he'll help out more, or pay for a meal, or slightly inconvenience his daughter. I don't think he feels bad at all, he's just trying to placate you and it's way way out of line, patronising and insulting. How dare he say he won't cook cos he doesn't like it!

You have made suggestions to improve the situation, he has veto'ed all of them. So if he won't make changes to improve the situation, you either stop the visits, or much more feasible, go out when they are there. Lots of helpful suggestions above. Stop doing it. Just stop. What's he going to do?

confuugled1 · 15/11/2016 11:34

Text back and say that you're looking forward to seeing them in January...

When they say that it's December say that you're confused because you thought they said they are short of money and that you've only just seen them, your back won't have had a chance to recover from the last visitwith lots of smileys so that you're not being too PA

Does this mean that they are going to want to come for Christmas too or is it going to be their festive visit?

When they are here if you have to get to sleep just try telling them that it's no good, just because they are on holiday, you are not and you need as much sleep as possible for a busy day tomorrow so they need to go to bed or at least to your their bedroom. And that's after doing some work in the room and telling them everyone to be quiet so they can't have things all their own way.
Or tell them that this time you have hurt your back so they need to sleep on the lillo. They might not be so keen to come if it's not as comfy.

If they are having money problems is it cheaper for them to come to you for a few days of heat, comfort, food, tv etc than being at home?

Finally - I had to sleep on an air bed for a few months a while back - it was very comfy (we got a single layer aerobed knowing we would be using it a lot) but it wasn't good to sleep on until we realised how cold it was and put large towels and then a duvet underneath us to stop the heat being sapped out of us. Definitely worth a try if you don't already do this!!