Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up at another visit from the in-laws?

197 replies

Fianceechickie · 15/11/2016 09:46

My in laws live in Ireland and they left yesterday after a four night visit. Just before they left they booked more flights for 8th Dec to come for another five nights. I know they want to see their son (my DH) and their grandchildren (my DSCs) but its wearing me out. We only have three bedrooms so when they come, they have to be given our room. There is seven of us in the house when they are here as, understandably they want to come when the DSCs are also visiting. They are lovely people and I like them very much but I don't sleep well on the lilo in the lounge and I'm finding the planning, shopping and cooking for 7 people really hard. I'm a teacher so need to also try to work at home but with only a kitchen diner, lounge and three beds, its impossible when they're here and anyway I feel like all I do is prepare food with brief breaks. I can't ask them to sleep on the lilo as my mum in law has bad back and father in law is 6 foot 4 and about 25 stone and anyway they sleep so long every morning (11.30 ish) that they would be in the way in the lounge. They go to bed correspondingly late too. I did think of maybe putting the kids all in one room but my son is 13, DSS 9 and DSD 11 and its not really appropriate for them all to be in the same room. My DH is worried in particular that his DD shouldn't share with my DS. Just feeling really fed up. Have also posted on the meals page to get food ideas!

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 15/11/2016 13:42

Could the two girls share the sofa bed? At that age they might find it fun. And it would mean the evenings would have to be cut shorter?

Personally I'd give them a visit that was a little less comfortable, just to stop them booking their next visit before they've even left! Or even better, tell your DH it's his family and the organization is down to him.

AmeliaJack · 15/11/2016 13:45

You said several times "he won't have it".

Ok so you need to "not have it" either.

Put your foot down. He agrees to assist/buy the truckle bed or whatever or the visit is cancelled

AyeAmarok · 15/11/2016 13:47

You are being a mug. Your husband didn't want to pay for a takeaway for his own parents and children, so he'd rather you toiled away preparing food for everyone while he puts his feet up?

dazzlingdeborahrose · 15/11/2016 13:48

Hi there

It's a rotten position to be in isn't it? It's not comfortable having to be the bad cop and everyone wondering who's rattled your cage. If I were you, I would:-
Get a big inflatable mattress bed. Inflate it in the living room for the ILs to sleep on. They are comfy and you'll be able to go to bed at a decent time. (And don't be tip toe-ing around in the morning and telling the children to be quiet.)
Cook a meal for the first night they arrive. After that it's up to the other adults in the house to share the load. Hubby doesn't like cooking but doesn't want to spring for a meal out or a takeaway? Sandwiches and tinned soup it is then. (or nothing). I mean you have marking to do.(or a good book to read)
Cleaning and tidying is a joint responsibility. All adults tidy clean and put away after themselves, including visitors.
Raise the issue of the next visit before they leave "When were you thinking of coming again?" "Oh that date doesn't work for us. How about [insert date a month/6 weeks later]"
Research cheap nearby B+Bs for next visit because they like to sleep late and you don't like to disturb them in your busy busy busy busy house.

Good luck
xx

Bakedappleflavour · 15/11/2016 13:52

I am Shock at being a guest in someone's home and sleeping til 11.30am, how rude!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 13:54

I would not be having this, either dh helps out, or you tell him his parents can stay in a hotel. I had similar, with dh parents coming all the time, and me cooking for them. I told dh, and i buy the food, and tell his mum what to cook, they come just once a year for a couple of weeks.

Original poster
Fianceechickie · 15/11/2016 14:02

Yesterday Baked, they got up at 8 to see their grandkids off to school as they were leaving, then went back to bed! FIL then got up at 1030 and talked at me constantly while I tried to mark, MIL stated in bed in my room and was still in there when I needed to get ready for work at 1130 (I do afternoons Mondays)!

Thanks so much everyone, this thread has galvanised me. I'm going to tell DH that I'm not giving up my room again. They can either go in DSDs room and she will have to share with the boys or we can get my parents' caravan for the duration. I will make dinner one night only (Sunday) and he can sort out the rest himself. They do sort out their own breakfast if I'm not doing a full one and do a lot of tidying up (including when I've had may family round as well which I did on Sunday for my DS birthday) I am going to go to my parents on the Saturday all day and get some work done. When I challenged him on it last night, he had the cheek to ask if all my 'dutiful daughter in law routine' was an act and I in fact didn't like them at all. Fuming! He has since apologised for that.

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 15/11/2016 14:03

Here's an idea - get DH to put a sofa bed so your inlaws can stay in the living room. Having to be inconvenienced by the daily life going on around them may mean they get up earlier than 11.30, don't come visiting so often and actually participate in family life by helping out.

ShowMeTheElf · 15/11/2016 14:06

Order the truckle for your DDs room and put her in with you instead of her brothers.
or order the truckle for your DDs room and you go in there with her so you can get to sleep earlier and sleep better.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 15/11/2016 14:12

You and your DsSD stay in your bed. DH in with the boys. On a lilo.

ZoeTurtle · 15/11/2016 14:16

Yay Fianceechickie! Glad he apologised. Stay firm Smile

fruitbrewhaha · 15/11/2016 14:17

It's amazing that 2 adults, grandparents, can't see what a total imposition this is. Inviting themselves regularly, for 5 nights, in your bedroom, while you cook and try and get work done.

They get their own breakfast, big deal!

I'm glad you had it out with DH, hope he takes this on board.

OldBootNewBoots · 15/11/2016 14:24

bit manipulative to accuse you of not liking them because you've finally said enough to being the only adult doing all the work, glad he apologized but the intent behind that is pretty cr*p.

SapphireStrange · 15/11/2016 14:45

I agree with OldBoot.

But generally, you sound more positive. We're all here cheering you on!!

mommybunny · 15/11/2016 14:48

Just curious OP - do you ever visit your ILs? How much do they do for you when you're there?

Original poster
Fianceechickie · 15/11/2016 15:07

Yes we do go over about three times a year. Not often with the children though cos there's not enough space for all of us plus we have to hire a car and get flights for all of us, or go on ferry which is v expensive in kids holidays and we can only afford one holiday a year (had none this year). When we go the two of us, we stay for three nights normally, we get the spare room. Last time I think I cooked once, she cooked once and we went out. That's normally how it works. When we last went with the kids, I remember feeling a bit annoyed at the amount we were expected to eat out given I always feed them every meal but as I say my MIL isn't in the best of health at times. She's very hospitable though and does us cooked breakfast (actually I think I did it last time though), prepares the room really nicely. Lunch doesn't always happen cos the day doesn't start till lunchtime!

OP posts:
confuugled1 · 15/11/2016 15:12

Glad to hear you've formulated a plan to help with next time.

If dh dares to complain any further just point out that you did it his way last time as always, it didn't work as always, it was miserable as always. So this this time it's your turn to sort out arrangements and he can like it or lump it just like he has expected you to do previously.

EnoughAlready43 · 15/11/2016 15:24

Your DH is a douchebag. He really is.
Let him to the grunt work, as you said.
Cheeky inconsiderate bastards all of them - except you and your kids.

OlennasWimple · 15/11/2016 15:24

Great - so it's already established that guests help cook meals when they are staying over, so you need to extend that rule to your own home not just the IL's home...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/11/2016 15:25

Well there's not enough space in your house either is there?

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 15/11/2016 15:30

If your DH doesn't want his DD sleeping with your boys why aren't you suggesting she sleeps with you and DH instead?
Bedroom1: 2 DSs
Bed2: you, DH and DSD
Bed2: PILs

expatinscotland · 15/11/2016 15:47

Take your son with you on Saturday. Don't leave him there with them. Don't organise a shop, either. They are all adults who are capable of sorting out their own food.

Tanith · 15/11/2016 15:58

I was wondering if you couldn't go over for Christmas instead, but it sounds like it's too much hassle and expense for you.

Your comeback to the "dutiful DIL act jibe" was to remind him of his wedding vows to you. You made no promises regarding your in-laws.

mommybunny · 15/11/2016 15:59

The ILs seem to have a very depressing existence, and these trips to see DH, DGCs and you may be the only bright thing in their lives. They may actually feel helpless and embarrassed about how little they do and how much they put you out, but as long as you stay cheerful they can convince themselves that you really don't mind, and they never need to get motivated to make any contribution to their holiday.

The more you enable their helplessness the more entrenched it will become. Approach it from the position that "of course they don't want to be a nuisance" and assume they want to really be part of the family and pitch in and help out. Can either of them drive? Can they be given little tasks while the DCs are in school and you and DH are at work - maybe to do some grocery shopping or put some meat and veg in a slow cooker or collect a DC from school or run the vacuum around or some other errand?

As other PPs have said, you have already modeled for them how a guest is supposed to behave, by cooking when you've visited the ILs (and, presumably, keeping yourselves very tidy). The sleeping arrangements when they visit have to change - it's bonkers giving up your bedroom to sleep in a room they're occupying till the wee hours anyway.

If you arrange things so that your ILs are expected to pull at least a bit of their weight they will feel more useful. As we all know, feeling useless can become a vicious cycle, and that may be the situation you've found yourselves in now. They know (at least it sounds like the MIL knows) they are useless and a nuisance when they visit you, and they may resent it but not know how to change things. Time to break the cycle. Good luck.

YelloDraw · 15/11/2016 16:24

When I challenged him on it last night, he had the cheek to ask if all my 'dutiful daughter in law routine' was an act and I in fact didn't like them at all.

Wow. Did you ask him if his "lazy misogynistic mean attitude is an act, or is that the real him?"