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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Were we being unreasonable?? Genuinely don't see the problem...

621 replies

Alexandriaaaa · 13/11/2016 19:16

We are away for a few days with DD who is almost 2.

She has had a very busy day today. Swimming, walking, soft play etc. She's tired tonight. Hotel has a family restaurant so we booked a table for 5pm so the three of us could eat together. DD had a kids meal. Busy, noisy restaurant, kids everywhere.

DH and I were feeding DD her food and having the odd mouthful of our food in between. When DD was finished we continued eating. She was colouring in but she got bored and started to moan and cry. Didn't want to sit on either of our knees, wanted to get down and explore, so I gave her my ipad and put peppa Pig on YouTube. She sat quietly in her high chair for ten minutes while we finished our food. Literally ten mins, no longer than that. Volume was right down, but the restaurant was pretty noisy so I can't see that it would have made any difference anyway.

I saw a wee boy at a nearby table craning his neck to see Peppa. He asked his mum could he come over to watch. I tried to catch her eye to say that was fine if he wanted to. But she said to him (I don't think she knew I could hear her) "no, we don't watch tv at the table. it's bad manners and a bad habit and that little girls parents shouldn't be letting her do that

Not so nice really. I'm not bothered TBH, I just don't really see the harm in it, it's not like it was disturbing or affecting anyone else, or like she was plonked in front of it and ignored for the duration of our meal. But is it bad form?? Were we unreasonable??

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/11/2016 06:48

Even if your child doesn't have autism, Differentname, it is sometimes - maybe even the majority of the time - nice to just get into your own little bubble and not have to interact with your family just because you are sharing the same space with them.

I love my DCs and love spending time with them, but quite honestly, sometimes I am crapped out after a long day of dealing with other people and I like to just sit in silence and eat, and so do my DCs. I am not an extrovert and neither are they, and we need time to recharge. If we're going to eat in (companionable) silence, I do not see what difference it makes if we are looking at our phones or listening to music or if the tv is on, or we are reading a book, or whatever.

The youngest DC I have still living at home is 15, so this isn't a case of children of 4 - 12 never having a conversation with tech obsessed parents. I suspect that many of those who have cast aspersions on teens dining with phones and headphones and iPads, etc. do not have teens themselves and do not appreciate that parents and teens can connect and share online interests together through technology - it doesn't all have to be verbal interaction, all the time, even while eating.

I grew up in a home where it was acceptable to bring a book to the table. My dad used to enjoy reading aloud passages he found funny or interesting. We were all welcome to chip in with our own contributions.

Ciutadella · 16/11/2016 07:19

Do any restaurants ever ask customers to turn off the volume on an ipad or phone? I do agree with the posters who say it doesn't matter how low you turn it, any audible noise will add to the overall noise, and it's the 'tinny' factor as well, plus the old question - what if everybody did it? I have to admit i wouldn't return to a restaurant that allowed ipads on with volume - but will this rule me out of going out at all in future?!

I think this thread is also a useful reminder that in general the people you're talking about can hear you! Especially if you are criticising them..

ZoeTurtle · 16/11/2016 09:30

Zoe You're right, there were other options like attacking me or DH...

Sigh. Once again I will explain that my point is an iPad is NOT the only option for distracting a child. It really, really, really isn't.

DancingDinosaur · 16/11/2016 09:59

I'm sure its not Zoe. Personally though, if I want to give the kids the ipad when I go out then I will. Absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

MsHooliesCardigan · 16/11/2016 10:08

Zoe Believe me, we tried every suggestion mentioned on here, and many more including suggestions from my HV and a colleague who is a child psychologist. None of them worked with my son's behaviour and we practically stopped taking him anywhere where there were lots of people. iPads didn't exist then but, if they had done and it was able to keep DS1 reasonably happy for long enough to eat a meal, I'd have damn well used one. You have to choose your battles and IMO, it's fine to tread the path of resistance sometimes.
Zoe are you saying that there are absolutely no circumstances when it's acceptable to give a young child a device to pacify them when they're bored e.g. The restaurant scenario, being stuck in a horrendous traffic jam? We're supposed to sing inane nursery rhymes to them or play educational games? Sod that. I've spent enough years of my life doing that.

MsHooliesCardigan · 16/11/2016 10:09

*path of least resistance

miffy29 · 16/11/2016 11:39

Glad someone has mentioned autism (hope you'll excuse me if I don't wade through 25 pages to find out what they said, though). We would never be able to leave the house eat out if we didn't have an iPad for our 5.5 year old pre-verbal child. Get a load of parents with kids with ASD together and you very quickly get on to 'how did people manage before iPads' (the forerunner was those personal DVD players, apparently). I am hoping people aren't going to turn this into yet another judgey thing. Small children have very short attention spans and at home they'd probably be allowed to leave the table sooner than in OP's situation.

miffy29 · 16/11/2016 11:56

Oh god, I have made the mistake of looking at the last three pages. FFS some people have easy kids, some people don't. Some people get a mixture, e.g. one placid, one a nightmare. If you've had easier kids you really think it's your parenting, but it's not, you got lucky as well. You have no idea how much other people have tried being firm, consistent etc with their kids unless you've been with them every step of the way. Every parent has to pick their battles and some have to pick more than others. The journey to using an iPad in a family restaurant for 10 minutes might be totally different for the same parent with two different kids. I appreciate its irritating to have to hold the line with your own kid when they can see someone else using an iPad, but maybe be grateful for having a kid that doesn't require super-parenting All. The. Time. The woman was being judgey and she probably hoped she'd be heard. She could so easily have said to her son 'no, we don't have iPads at the table' and if he questioned it said 'that little girl is younger than you' or 'maybe it's for a special treat'.

maddiemookins16mum · 16/11/2016 12:05

We never had iPads when DD was little so I'm a bit behind the times. I can see her point (not that it's her business really), maybe she was just trying to tell her child no (somewhat rudely if you could hear).
But the reality is, no real harm was done if it was just a short while, it's just a modern day version of giving something else to occupy them for a wee while.

HummusForBreakfast · 16/11/2016 14:22

I would say though that the important but in the OP was
´I don't think she thought we could hear her'
Which just means the comment was directed to her ds, not the OP, and therefore should not be seen as a judgement on the OP's parenting.
That is according to the OP herself.

As fur whether using an iPad at the table us rude, maybe the answer is that it varies from one family to the next and leave it at that???

myfavouritecolourispurple · 16/11/2016 14:43

I grew up in a home where it was acceptable to bring a book to the table

My mum wouldn't let me read at the table :( I read the side of the cornflake packet in desperation!

DH, DS and I often sit down for lunch and read various bits of the Saturday papers at the table now.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 16/11/2016 14:45

We're supposed to sing inane nursery rhymes to them or play educational games? Sod that

Quite. And I'd prefer it if parents didn't start singing to their kids in the middle of a restaurant as well. Unless they are really talented singers I suppose...

eyelevelgrill · 16/11/2016 15:05

I would have admired you if you'd said:

"I'm sorry, just checking, did you mean to talk about us so loudly that we could overhear you?"

but it took me three days to think of that answer!

DancingDinosaur · 16/11/2016 15:58

I grew up in a home where it was acceptable to bring a book to the table

I did too. The edge of the book wedged under the side of my plate. My parents never complained. They were happy I liked reading I guess.

KERALA1 · 16/11/2016 16:27

I think many older parents are jealous that parents now have the iPad option for that awkward 1-3 year old in a restaurant nightmare. I know I am anyway.

Megainstant · 16/11/2016 18:14

Jealous? No! I'm afraid not. I don't remember meals out ever being that much of a nightmare tbh. We ate out a lot with friends and toddlers and it was usually good fun. Someone usually had to get up towards the end of the meal and let the kids run around outside , we took l it in turns it was never a big deal.

In fact I can't think of anything I'd like less than an ipad tbh.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/11/2016 18:40

Well you are bothered otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread, but. No you did nothing wrong. ITRW with children its often a case of give in to them to stop them creating. I'm not going to pretend I've never done it. I'm no Mrs Tumble. Ooh believe me

honkinghaddock · 16/11/2016 19:07

Clutadella - Everyone who is talking is adding to the overall noise. Although some might say they don't like the noise of electronic devices, my son doesn't like the noise of people talking. In fact he part of the reason he needs his noise is because of the noise other people are making by talking. Now I'm not expecting everyone else not to talk but equally they should allow him the small amount of noise he needs to cope.

Koolchique · 16/11/2016 22:22

YANBU. You told us your daughter had finished eating. If she was at home, she'd probably waddle away to do something else anyway. Would the lady prefer it if your daughter was screaming the place down?

ZoeTurtle · 17/11/2016 10:13

Zoe are you saying that there are absolutely no circumstances when it's acceptable to give a young child a device to pacify them when they're bored

ARGH! Read my bloody posts!

What I've been saying is it's a FALSE DICHOTOMY, not that iPads are the devil's work. FFS.

RattyNscatty · 27/11/2016 10:04

Sighs... look, as parents.. and modern parents at that, we've a lot more things in our armoury to keep children entertained.
My DS (who is a selective eater and has autism with very poor communication) simply can't get through time in a restaurant without a toy to occupy him. I would love for us to be sitting around making polite conversation but I didn't get that family :)
I've had my share of judge-y perfect parent statements... but I've decided now they can all bog off. Unless they are prepared to walk a mile in my shoes their words won't carry weight with me.
I thought you were very generous to consider sharing the iPad and other parent was being a bit snooty. Her loss.

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