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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were we being unreasonable?? Genuinely don't see the problem...

621 replies

Alexandriaaaa · 13/11/2016 19:16

We are away for a few days with DD who is almost 2.

She has had a very busy day today. Swimming, walking, soft play etc. She's tired tonight. Hotel has a family restaurant so we booked a table for 5pm so the three of us could eat together. DD had a kids meal. Busy, noisy restaurant, kids everywhere.

DH and I were feeding DD her food and having the odd mouthful of our food in between. When DD was finished we continued eating. She was colouring in but she got bored and started to moan and cry. Didn't want to sit on either of our knees, wanted to get down and explore, so I gave her my ipad and put peppa Pig on YouTube. She sat quietly in her high chair for ten minutes while we finished our food. Literally ten mins, no longer than that. Volume was right down, but the restaurant was pretty noisy so I can't see that it would have made any difference anyway.

I saw a wee boy at a nearby table craning his neck to see Peppa. He asked his mum could he come over to watch. I tried to catch her eye to say that was fine if he wanted to. But she said to him (I don't think she knew I could hear her) "no, we don't watch tv at the table. it's bad manners and a bad habit and that little girls parents shouldn't be letting her do that

Not so nice really. I'm not bothered TBH, I just don't really see the harm in it, it's not like it was disturbing or affecting anyone else, or like she was plonked in front of it and ignored for the duration of our meal. But is it bad form?? Were we unreasonable??

OP posts:
Chumpster · 14/11/2016 18:46

What is the difference between colouring books/reading books and iPads? I don't understand. And she's nearly 2, not 8... if she was plugged into it as soon as you sat down I would be bit judgey. But would that apply if she was thrown a book straight away. I don't know...?
But YANBU
Better to watch 10mins of peppa than disturb other diners. And I think she should have said ' different families have different rules'. That is what my friends and I say. She was rude if she knew you could hear.

shillwheeler · 14/11/2016 18:47

I think it depends on the restaurant. From what you say there was a fair bit of background noise anyway. We are a no screens at the table family, but I do remember giving Boy my phone to keep him quiet whilst I finished my coffee on occasion.

As others have said, this is preferable to a screaming child or meltdown! Ten minutes at that time in a noisy restaurant I don't think is unreasonable. An extended period of time or in a more adult setting, may be unreasonable IMHO.

As to the other mother, may be she thought you couldn't hear and it was just a way of explaining her rules to her child, as others have suggested. But to comment so as others could hear on your manners etc. isn't on. I was always taught that commenting on other people's "bad" manners was itself the height of bad manners!

So, in summary, YANBU.

Shona52 · 14/11/2016 18:48

There are lots of reason why the use of iPads etc are used, and see nothing wrong g in this case. We have to use one for our 5oy ds who has autism to just get him to sit still and able to eat a meal and I've had lots of rude comments spoken loudly enough for me to hear and looks from other parents that make me want to run out the restaurant. It can be very hurtful that I have to keep justifying my actions to others when out eating. when mealtime can be so damm hard and stressful for me eating out with my son. I wish people would just think and see things for what they are before opening them mouths.

ifeellikechickentonight · 14/11/2016 18:55

Neither of you is BU unless she knew you could hear her in which case she's a cow Wink

DD is the same age and we never use iPad in a restaurant because she won't wear headphones and I worry that she'd insist on it if we were somewhere quiet. I do think it's awful when you're on the next table to a family with audible teletubbies, not ok. Headphones I couldn't care less. But you're not BU to do it, it's up to you and it's better to have a quiet child than a whingey one.

She's not BU to give her child a reason why she's not letting him watch Peppa. Probably quite annoying for her if he was behaving himself and then she has to pull him back from the brink of a tantrum because your LO is allowed iPad and he's not

FrancisCrawford · 14/11/2016 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingit81 · 14/11/2016 19:01

She was a dick, you're not. Sleep easy Grin xx

Original poster
Alexandriaaaa · 14/11/2016 19:07

I take my iPad everywhere because I don't have a smart phone. I use it for stuff like iMessages, what's app and keeping an eye on my work emails. I didn't take it with me for the purpose of keeping my child quiet. It would have been with me if I had been out with just my husband.

I have already said I'll invest in headphones but honestly, I'd be surprised if even DD could hear peppa over the general noise of the restaurant. It was right down low. I couldn't hear it and I was right next to her. There is just no way that the other lady could hear it. The boy could see it as it was in his eye line (which I will concede was probably annoying).

And no, when my daughter is older I will not be letting her sit at the table with an iPad instead of making conversation etc. But at the moment, she has like ten words and interest in detailed conversation for more than twenty seconds. We had been full on entertaining her all day. Is ten minutes of down time really so bad? I could have got up and walked her around the restaurant but to be frank, I didn't want to. I'm newly pregnant, we were all tired, I just wanted to get through the meal and get up to our room to relax.

OP posts:
Honeypot1 · 14/11/2016 19:10

When I was a kid it was no books at the table. I think that it helps you learn how others socialise and engage. But sadly, looking around restaurants I fear your "it's only ten minutes" is the norm. Before ipads, parents had to learn how to... parent?! Play with them, talk with them, communicate? Makes me a bit sad to be honest that technology is the go-to when a child might whinge or melt down. If it's not about them learning how to behave in public, it's about our role to teach them?

MyGiddyUncle · 14/11/2016 19:14

Difference of opinion though op.

I would never let my dc have ipads at a restaurant, at any age. I do think it's bad mannered and not setting a great precedent for the future.

You obviously don't mind. So crack on. You can't make people who disagree with you go 'Oh actually it's a great idea!' though.

honkinghaddock · 14/11/2016 19:20

Some children use devices to self regulate their behaviour. Ds being able to use something to enable him to be able cope in busy places and not 'meltdown' is a good thing. It is certainly seen as such by every professional that works with him.

ChangingNamesAgain · 14/11/2016 19:21

Only parents didn't parent so spectacularly judging by the mess of this generation

RichardBucket · 14/11/2016 19:22

What's the difference between an iPad and colouring books? Colouring books don't have glaring screens. Colouring books don't make noise. Colouring books are nowhere near as distracting when in other people's eye line.

MyGiddyUncle · 14/11/2016 19:24

Screens zone kids out.

Mine go blank when they have one, I can say their name three times before they hear me. Lots of other kids I know are the same.

Never seen that happen with a colouring book.

Original poster
Alexandriaaaa · 14/11/2016 19:24

I'm not arsed that people have a different opinion from me, in the slightest. That is not the issue here. I'm not in the least bit bothered that some people disagree with what I did. That's ok, we all have different standards and methods. I wouldn't smack my child. I don't leave her to cry in her cot. I don't let her drink fizzy juice or eat McDonald's. But I don't care enough to judge those that do these things, because in the grand scheme of things it doesnt affect me and it's not my business (unless abuse etc disclaimer) and I have enough going on in my own life than to concern myself with their people's choices.

I posted because I genuinely wondered if it was generally considered a bad thing to do, because you know, I doubt myself a lot as a parent and worry that I'm making a mess of it.

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 14/11/2016 19:25

I posted because I genuinely wondered if it was generally considered a bad thing to do, because you know, I doubt myself a lot as a parent and worry that I'm making a mess of it.

What's your verdict, after 20 pages of posts?

Original poster
Alexandriaaaa · 14/11/2016 19:29

Posted too soon.

But the replies seem pretty mixed, and so that makes me feel slightly less useless. That's good.

I won't martyr myself though. In every single way that counts, I will put my DD first, but I am still a person and sometimes I don't want to abandon a lovely meal when there is a way I can get to finish it. Even if it does mean my DD has to watch peppa pig for ten minutes as a result. She is adored and loved. I don't think her brain will melt as a result of this.

OP posts:
smurfest · 14/11/2016 19:34

I think some parents of young children over-explain things as if their little darling's world will collapse if they don't.

The other child's mum could have just said 'no, you're not allowed to.' rather than casting judgement

Reminds me of when I was in a supermarket with toddler DD and picked up tinned spaghetti hoops - shaped like thomas the Tank engine. Another little girl passed and asked her mum for some - and was told that such foodstuff was Not Nice and they (i.e. superior mum and DD) knew better than to fall for the cheap marketing trick!

futurelotterywinner · 14/11/2016 19:37

Wow, honestly can't believe the amount of judgmental people on this subject!
A book or colouring is ok but an iPad isn't?!?! Certain ages it's ok but others not?!?!
Let's live and let live, the woman was rude to be so judgmental so loudly, it may not be how she parents but it's not for her to say others are wrong.
Would people prefer the sound of whining, moaning, bored children while they're trying to enjoy their meal or perhaps all parents of children not able to sit quietly for an hour shouldn't go out to eat at all?
Of course, plonking your child in front of an iPad 24/7 is wrong just as plonking your child infront of the tv, colouring or a book all day would be wrong.
Using something to entertain a child whose struggling to maintain peace and quiet during what is essentially an adult past time is just being polite to other diners and your children in my opinion. some can cope with sitting and chatting and eating at the table, some for a limited amount of time, others really struggle!
Live and let live people!

Tapandgo · 14/11/2016 19:38

Can't see any problem with silent I pad use. My kids are grown up, but in that situation we took colouring books to allow them to stay calm while we finished dining. If there had been I pads - I would have used one.
My kids have grown up to have excellent social and conversation skills, table manners and level if concentration - so no harm was ever done.

The fellow diner was rude if she meant you to hear her comment.

If I'd been there I would rather calm and well behaved children at the next table in a restaurant than noisy, bored ones that would have ruined the experience for everyone else.

Jemers · 14/11/2016 19:41

Alex Please don't feel you have to justify yourself to a lot of the superior parenting attitudes that come out on these boards. I have 3 very well behaved, sociable kids under 9 who love eating out with us as a family. However if the meal goes on a bit long I'll let them have a device for the last few mins. They are children & after a certain amount of time they get bored waiting for it to be finished. Interestingly my 9 year old usually reads as a preference!

MargeryFenworthy · 14/11/2016 19:46

It wouldn't be something I would do but DH and I are strict about screen time and particularly dislike seeing children glued to ipads when out. We eat out frequently with DS and DD and it has never been an issue.

littlefrenchonion · 14/11/2016 19:49

My DD was doing exactly this on Saturday night during a meal out with family. Personally I don't see a problem with it; we don't do it at home, literally just when we go out for a meal with other people and I just need to keep her happy for the final 20 minutes or so after she'd eaten her dinner and interacted with all her aunties, uncles, GP's etc. It was a rare treat!

That woman was a dick. You would get no judgement from me, OP! Smile

Megainstant · 14/11/2016 19:50

There's a few big differences between a colouring book and an ipad not least that the colouring book is blissfully silent Smile

I DO NOT WANT to listen to your kids inane TV when I am in a restaurant. I also don't want my kids to be in the eyeline of your glowing screen. If you can make sure neither of those things happen then we're cool.

verystressedmum · 14/11/2016 19:54

Don't see a problem with it she's 2, sometimes colouring doesn't cut it.
We didn't have iPads or tablets when mine were 2, we didn't go out much.

GoLightlyHollie · 14/11/2016 19:56

You sound like you're doing a great job as a parent, the fact that you cared enough to pose the question on MN speaks volumes.
Whether I or anyone else disagrees with iPads at restaurants is slightly moot, in my view (I don't have a problem with it, by the way), it doesn't make you less of a parent. You could have a parent who is totally engaged with her two year old, always reading to them, drawing etc etc yet who hates cooking and occasionally regularly allows a Happy Meal for dinner. Is that a bad parent? I don't think it is. The question of whether one is a good parent is very subjective one in my view. Everyone has their weaknesses as a parent, and - again in my opinion - the most important thing is that the child feels loved, and is fed, clean, warm and has a roof over their head.