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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were we being unreasonable?? Genuinely don't see the problem...

621 replies

Alexandriaaaa · 13/11/2016 19:16

We are away for a few days with DD who is almost 2.

She has had a very busy day today. Swimming, walking, soft play etc. She's tired tonight. Hotel has a family restaurant so we booked a table for 5pm so the three of us could eat together. DD had a kids meal. Busy, noisy restaurant, kids everywhere.

DH and I were feeding DD her food and having the odd mouthful of our food in between. When DD was finished we continued eating. She was colouring in but she got bored and started to moan and cry. Didn't want to sit on either of our knees, wanted to get down and explore, so I gave her my ipad and put peppa Pig on YouTube. She sat quietly in her high chair for ten minutes while we finished our food. Literally ten mins, no longer than that. Volume was right down, but the restaurant was pretty noisy so I can't see that it would have made any difference anyway.

I saw a wee boy at a nearby table craning his neck to see Peppa. He asked his mum could he come over to watch. I tried to catch her eye to say that was fine if he wanted to. But she said to him (I don't think she knew I could hear her) "no, we don't watch tv at the table. it's bad manners and a bad habit and that little girls parents shouldn't be letting her do that

Not so nice really. I'm not bothered TBH, I just don't really see the harm in it, it's not like it was disturbing or affecting anyone else, or like she was plonked in front of it and ignored for the duration of our meal. But is it bad form?? Were we unreasonable??

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 14/11/2016 19:56

I won't martyr myself though. In every single way that counts, I will put my DD first, but I am still a person and sometimes I don't want to abandon a lovely meal when there is a way I can get to finish it. Even if it does mean my DD has to watch peppa pig for ten minutes as a result. She is adored and loved. I don't think her brain will melt as a result of this.

Absolutely this, OP. That's your answer - strong, considered, sensible. The judgers can fuck right off.

daisiesinherfootsteps · 14/11/2016 20:00

OP YANBU and she was rude. I sometimes have to explain to my DD why other kids are doing something we do not allow but I just sssh her at the time and explain later.

In a busy family restaurant with background noise it is completely possible to play Peppa or similar on minimum volume so it is not audible beyond your table. Believe me I know, because pre-kids me would have been appalled and I have checked myself. Headphones are all well and good from age 3plus but totally impossible on some toddlers. Low volume cartoons are so much preferable to screaming and running around which I see all the time and would always result in our DCs immediate removal from the the restaurant.

You have to know your audience. It's fine in a pizza chain or wetherspoons type pub during the day or early evening dinner, not so much after 8pm or in a more upmarket establishment.

Everyone has their own opinion on devices, but i wonder that if colouring/puzzles are ok, then why aren't drawing app/numbers/phonics app (which my 4 year old DD usually chooses if we use iPad during long waits) for food etc) as neither option is "good table manners" or "joining in the conversation"!

YuckYuckEwwww · 14/11/2016 20:00

So in short, the OP never thought she was unreasonable and just started this thread to judge anyone who disagreed with her about ipads in restraints.. cool.. glad you got what you wanted out of this

tazo5153 · 14/11/2016 20:01

For crying out loud! That woman needs to wind her neck in! Your child was fed, you were spending time together and what ever allows you to eat a Luke warm meal every now and again, do it. Parenting is not about what other people do or think is ok, it's about what works for you. Anyone that thinks to ask AIBU or feels guilty has already shown they are a good parent by giving enough of a shit to ask in the first place!

MyPeriodFeatures · 14/11/2016 20:02

I tend to take the view that other people's parenting choices are none of my fucking business. Sometimes you have to do what you need to do to get through a meal, day, road trip whatever. If anyone is judging then they are the problem

Original poster
Alexandriaaaa · 14/11/2016 20:03

That's quite a jump, Yuck.

It is right there in my thread title that I couldn't see how I was being unreasonable, and it is the case that no one on here has really changed my mind. I don't see where I'm judging anyone though. I've already said that I completely accept that people have different opinions and ways of doing things. If you don't like iPads at the table, fine, no skin off my nose.

OP posts:
honkinghaddock · 14/11/2016 20:03

If I gave ds a colouring book it would end up in bits all over the floor. That's after he would have tried to eat the crayons, stuck them in his eyes etc.

apringle · 14/11/2016 20:09

I try to avoid screen time at restaurants but 10 mins to finish a nice meal is really not a big deal!

jhon63 · 14/11/2016 20:15

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daisiesinherfootsteps · 14/11/2016 20:16

This thread just reminded me of reading this a few years ago and feeling a bit less of a failure:theunmumsymum.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/lesson-56-eating-out-with-small-children.html

jhon63 · 14/11/2016 20:16

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cbigs · 14/11/2016 20:18
Hmm
HowMuchDoWeNeed · 14/11/2016 20:18

YANBU OP. I agree with this comment from page 1:

"I think at age 2, there's not much else than an iPad that will shut them up. Conversation or colouring is more for older children."

To those saying "I taught my child to sit quietly" - I don't believe you "taught" them a thing, not at the age of net-yet-two. Some kids sit quietly, some don't.

HummusForBreakfast · 14/11/2016 20:19

Honestly? You did what you thought was OK and what you saw as working for your family.

The woman sees things in a different way and explained clearly to her dc why. Whether you agree or not is not your issue. She is doing things her way, in a way that works for her family.

You are grumbling about her saying she is rude etc... Tbh, I think you are the one who is judgemental. I also think you are feeling actually unconfortable with the idea of children watching a cartoon at the table.

Fwiw, I Have never let my dcs doing that and weve all survived.

bumsexatthebingo · 14/11/2016 20:20

10 mins won't melt anyone's brain but what about next time you're out and dd wants the Ipad straight away - you will presumably give her it so she won't disturb anyone. And other times when you're out and about or have got lots to do at home etc. I'm sure most parents don't let their kids on it every waking moment from birth -usage creeps up though I have seen baby swings with Ipad holders which are one of the most depressing things I've ever seen They get relied upon more and more because they are addictive for kids and give parents a quiet life. They aren't comparable to an activity like colouring which actually improves focus and attention and is calming - the opposite effects of screen time. And chatting to children is massively beneficial even before they can respond verbally.

HummusForBreakfast · 14/11/2016 20:20

How I'm reallyy wondering how parents were coping 15 or 20 years ago then... You know at the time when there wasnt such a thing as an ipad.

The techniques people used then can still be used now.

Notmuchtosay1 · 14/11/2016 20:20

I haven't read all answers. But I think letting a 2 year old watch for 10 mins is fine. If she were older I would say definitely not. But for some peace while you finish...why not.

Twicke · 14/11/2016 20:24

Hi- I dont like the shame parenting- not v constructive. However I think YABU for putting it on with no headphones. Kids being noisy is one thing- inflicting PP on other people at dinner is another. You say it was quiet, but another child heard it- and that's the other problem. You set off a load of other kids who were otherwise happy without watching something, who now want to watch it too. The fact u were happy for the child to come over is irrelevant- I expect that family wanted their child to eat with them, and u had effectively made their evening more tricky because of how you chose to calm your own child. Personally I can put up with children's noise but can't stand the sound of electronic device however quietly in the background. And don't think I'm alone in that.
If you want an iPad I say fill your boots- whatever it takes to finish your dinner- but do it with headphones and consideration for others who choose not to.

Twicke · 14/11/2016 20:36

So YANBU for iPad (nobody's business but yours) but YABU for having the volume on. Either headphones or games/ apps that don't require sound in that situation. It's not ok to intrude on other people's meals with the sound of games or cartoons- that's the area you were BU in and I expect why it was commented on. If they hadn't heard it this wouldn't have been an issue

LovelyBranches · 14/11/2016 20:39

My DS turned two in the last few weeks. I don't think it's the easy option to give him access to an iPad at the moment. He doesn't understand that it is an activity that comes with a strict time monitoring and inevitably taking it off him would cause a tantrum.

We regularly eat out with him and he always has a supply of small toys in my bag, I think if he thought he could watch something he would nag for it from the moment we sat down. I have recently started to allow him to watch an episode of paw patrol when he wakes early and can't go back to sleep. Now he's stopped trying to sleep because he thinks he can put paw patrol on. This isn't something I want to encourage so it's stopping already.

You have different rules and YANBU to allow your daughter the iPad, just as I wouldn't be unreasonable not to.

Hereforthebeer · 14/11/2016 20:41

I think its fine, you can do what you want. She can do what she wants.

If she said it quietly, and not so you'd hear, I don't think either of you were BU.

She was probably just trying to stop her child from having a tantrum by saying it was bad manners.

Just personal choices on parenting.

julesr21 · 14/11/2016 20:45

Oh for gods sake I cant believe that we're even having the conversation - it was your child, you weren't inflicting it on other people so what's the big deal! Have the strength of your own convictions and go with what you feel is best, you don't need to justify yourself to the world. There's no right ot wrong, just what you feel is best at the time

Daydream007 · 14/11/2016 20:46

She was wrong to say it so loudly but I have to agree with her rules on table manners.

Geretrude · 14/11/2016 20:48

Performance parenting, as practiced by the woman in the restaurant and by a lot of people on this thread, is rude. It is not rude to sit and watch an ipad.

I've seen children do all sorts of things that my child isn't allowed to do and sometimes they whinge and ask me why. I just tell them that I do things differently and distract them. I would never say in a loud voice that the other child is being allowed to do X because they have bad parents or it's rude or anything else. Because that really is bad parenting - teaching your children that it's perfectly okay to criticise random strangers in public and that it's acceptable to judge people for doing things differently from how you do them at home.

It's a very good way to breed intolerance.

And HighwayDragon - if your six year old thinks that's acceptable behaviour, then I blame you for that, not her. Barring SN, a six year old should know that commenting on other people's behaviour loudly when it has no impact on you is unacceptable.

Happyhippy45 · 14/11/2016 20:51

When my two were little we didn't have iPads and smart phones.......we still ate out and the kids generally were very well behaved/had fun. We kept them entertained. Would I have liked to have a back up plan just in case it went tits up? Absolutely.
When the kids got older they were allowed to bring electronics out after dessert (adults finishing drinks/waiting for the bill.)
It is viewed as bad manners to have electronics at the table but I think only if they are out the whole time. 10 mins at the end of a meal is nothing.
Woman could have explained that "we don't watch tv at the table dear." and left it at that.