AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

And sorry but a grown man 'not being happy' to leave London because that's where his family are???? You're married, this is a partnership, you are the main breadwinner and you can work anywhere

It is utter madness to live in the most expensive area of the UK. Your dh needs to act like an adult and accept that you can live a full and happy life without having to be a stone's throw from where his family are.

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic but you hear it time and again on MN... people struggling financially, working their butts off and frankly putting themselves through ludicrous situations when there is a simple solution staring them in the face!!

In your shoes I would:
-job hunt and house hunt in cheaper, nicer areas.

• while job hunting, work out a reasonable weekly work schedule. I do 8-5.30/6 pm in school- that is plenty long enough, particularly if like me you rarely take a lunch break
• start cooking, tidying around
• find a cleaner
• don't 'assume' that because your dh is less ambitious, that lets him off the earning hook, so that by default he ends up giving up work if you have kids. Not everyone needs to be madly career driven, but he has a responsibility to make the most of his work life and opportunities

-do NOT do planning for an NQT. I am a head of English, and while I would of course support and mentor, I would not do someone's job for them; it's not helpful to them or you.

YABU . You definitely should help out more .

Willow, sorry, I misunderstood the situation,it does sound as though you have been royally stitched up by the management team, and kudos to your new colleagues for dodging the planning with full management approval, athough personally I would rather poke my eyes with a sharp stick than teach someone else's planning every day so I think they have made themselves a rod for their own back.

It is time for you to start trawling through the TES , and putting out feelers to colleagues in other schools. Asyou are London based don't forget to look at outer boroughs, often just as accessible as inner borough schools.

It's very hard but you need to delegate and say no. Ive seen teacher friends royally shat on for trying to do it all and help as you have. I've also seen how other teachers in the same school get away with doing little because of being carried and how assertive some are leading to a good (albeit still heavy) balance.

Look for somewhere new but take advice from your union about how to get the good balance and not be taken advantage of. Speak to your dp too about how this is affecting you . Friends dh was happier to pick up the slack and do more while his dw worked to get out.

Bloody hell, selling your soul for a teaching salary and doing bog all at home! I'd be pissed off in your dh's shoes. But oth if he earns less than you, he's not exactly a great catch either.

I work 9-6.30. DH works 7.15-9.30+ and weekends. I organise home totally. We put I equal hours bus our partnership and I've,always been happy to support dp. I earn more than a,HoD probably. DH less said the better.

I think you need a little perspective.

I would just be direct with my managers. Yes, they need this temporary cover from two part-timers, but they are alienating you in the meantime by expecting you to do the work of two. Just say it is not manageable and the bottom line is you will have to look at your options if the demands persist. Either way, don't do the planning for them.

But oth if he earns less than you, he's not exactly a great catch either.

This might come as a shock to you, but for some people earning power isn't the sole consideration when choosing a life partner - crazy, I know!

Get a cleaner.
Get a new job.
Get a lodger and use the proceeds to go directly into a savings account for the baby.

Agree chipmunk. Teaching is a portable skillset - play your cards right, get into schools with good SLT, move up the ranks to a management position - and you can have a great standard of living if you buy a house in a cheaper area than London! Even better if you don't let your dh opt out of earning just because he doesn't feel ambitious: that's not a get out of jail free card for him to give up work.

OP, you must not stay at this school once you have DC - it will be awful! If you want to be better off, the best way would be to switch job and negotiate more money (I recently changed school and am getting more for slightly less hours), consider moving to a cheaper area, or (most drastic, but several younger colleagues have done this) take a boarding job where housing is provided. Consider working abroad too. I can't believe SLT are actually monitoring the hours you do outside contracted hours -- neither of my schools (both Ofsted Outstanding) have done this! P.S. If you do think you need counselling, your occ health through work or your union may offer it. Regarding the housework, clothes in laundry bin, cook once a week, book a night out a couple of times a month would probably help. Commit in advance (book tickets) then you won't be tempted to work.

Basically, YANBU at the moment but you and DH are going to have a nightmare when you have DC if you carry on like this.

tbh OP with your extra info my new opinion is the same as a previous posters - get a different job!

I always thought the pay off for stressful jobs/long hours was the high pay, in the same way you might have a hard, physical job, like cleaning, for a low wage, but at least you didn't have to take the work home with you.

You seem to have all the negative aspects such as the long hours & stress & never switching off & performance culture - but without the corresponding high income you would usually expect to compensate you for that . From what you were saying about your work hours I was thinking city lawyer earning at least 100k.

Lots of my friends are teachers and I honestly don't know how/why they do it. Fair play to them, and to all the teachers on MN - it seems like hard work for not many benefits. I suppose you do have to really love it and see it as a vocation.

I would like to change my response a bit based on the extra info you've added about your DH to say YANB As U as I originally thought.

I'm assuming that as teaching is an average-ish wage, if he is earning significantly less than that then he's probably earning not much more than £20k. Which is low for London. Which is completely fine - there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a lower salary in exchange for a good work/life balance. It's exactly what I've done so I am in no way judging him. But it does mean that he basically wouldn't be able to live the lifestyle you currently have in London, without you. As you say - if it wasn't for you working then he would either have to move out of London, which he doesn't want to do, or would have to live with his parents, or in a flatshare - not ideal as a married couple.

So while what someone can bring financially to a marriage still is far from being the most important thing my opinion has changed slightly from when I thought you were both earning decent salaries and the extra money you earned went on luxuries, to now knowing that he would be struggling without you, and you are basically enabling him to have time for his hobbies like gaming, rather than having to get a second job in his spare time as he would have to do if he wanted to keep up his current lifestyle if you earned the same/less than him.

Still no excuse for being messy though but fair play you've accepted that.

So glad you're thinking of getting a cleaner, OP: it will make a difference.

TBH though, I think that the cleaning's the least of your worries! Your job sounds horrendous. I'm an experienced teacher and held various management roles before slowing down a bit after having my DCs; in 15 years I have never worked a single week like the ones you are describing. Whilst I agree that it's a job in which you never actually reach the end of your To Do list, you have to cut the odd corner and allow yourself some free time for the sake of your mental health.

Now that I'm a mother of 2 I can't be in school before 8.10 because I drop off the DCs, I have to leave by 4.15 most days and I only have a few hours in the evening after I've sorted the children. However, I do my job bloody well and achieve the same/better results as colleagues with no commitments who put in crazy hours. Makes me feel pretty resentful about how hard I used to work really! As others have said, it would be well worth looking for a different job and/or considering moving out of London where you will get so much more for your money.

The way you are living now seems unsustainable for you and your marriage. Good luck!

You earn more so he has to do the dirty jobs? You're treating him like a slave. I'd be very pissed off if I was him.

Cleaning efficiently is an art.
I know I'm not good at it.
I can't decide whether to do one room properly or hoover all the rooms

crje and horsegirl Read the fucking thread, for God's sake. Particularly the more recent updates.

"but neither would agree to come if they had to do all the planning. "

you see? They negotiated work life balance and the management had to accept it because they needed the staff.
anything you could learn from them?

OP. I have learnt the hard way that the Boxer approach - "I will work harder" - is not the answer. You can never work hard enough to cover all the bases while you are being mistreated. And while you try to, you are diminishing yourself and the people in your personal life are missing out. This is endless - at least there is no natural end to this progression, and it will end in disaster.

In my case it was different because it wasn't a simple case of WOH too hard - > short changing partner. In my case it was WOH too hard + partner making unreasonable demands -> whole thing going tits up. But I still wonder what would have happened if I had put my foot down in either of the areas where those who were benefiting from my labour were taking the piss.

I don't think it is fair for one person to do everything. Fine for the one who works less hours outside the home to do more housework, but imo everyone should be at least picking up after themselves as they go along and doing some other tasks in their free time.

I'm not sure that leaving London is the magic bullet that some people have suggested. I don't think teachers outside London work fewer hours than those in London - it seems to be school by school, not regional. Unless you move somewhere very cheap indeed you're still going to have to work full-time, so you could still end up in a school with this kind of culture. While I agree that your husband should be more flexible on location, you are going to have to have quite a drastic move to really feel the difference: as someone married to a teacher and living in a commuter town I can tell you that losing your London weighting but still living in the SE isn't necessarily a great idea! I think you should absolutely look to move schools (my husband works very hard but not the sort of hours you describe, by the way) but doing that within London could make a huge difference.

Moving schools is definitely the priority but as finances are tight for the OP and her husband, new location is probably sensible too. I would steer well clear of the south east because as you say, it's still expensive but minus the London weighting.

If you work your way up and get TLRs then you can earn a decent salary in teaching, and if you work for a decent SLT it's all doable. Combine that with an area with reasonable house prices and you can have a good standard of living

Having said that, sadly I would not go into teaching now because the gold plated pension is being eroded, and traditionally that was one of the draws of the profession too. I'm of an age where I'll be ok but for a young teacher like the OP it's worth factoring into the equation of whether it's all worth it. It just seems like a pretty poor work life balance all round at the moment

Moving across the country is a big thing, though. If they're no longer within commuting distance of London (hence cheaper house prices) then they're also no longer in easy reach of friends or family. Lots of people do these kinds of big moves, of course - but the husband isn't unusual or necessarily unreasonable in being reluctant to do so. Also, places with cheap prices tend to be that way because local employment is scarce and low paid. OP will probably find work easily, but what about her husband? Ok, he earns less than her but presumably they'll still really struggle if he doesn't find work at all.

I think you're being unreasonable.

Yes you are the main breadwinner however he still does contribute financially therefore you are not the sole breadwinner.

At least tidy up after yourself and do not create a mess that he then has to clean up afterwards.

Commit to at least one job a day and it can be as minimal as taking out the bin or as major as doing the washing and ironing... depending obviously on how much work you bring home that particular evening.

You are being vv unreasonable the the excuse you use about cleaning product related anxiety doesn't make sense as you say you are messy so you could tidy or hoover instead also i only use ecover because i worry about chemicals. You don't mention weekends but am assuming you don't clean at the weekend. I can't see this working out if you have kids as everyone i know whose husband acts like you is now divorced