AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

I was prepared to hear IABU. I agree that I am and I will do this.

However, I do agree with those of you who are saying my work sounds like an excuse for not doing anything. I don't want it to be however and I will make sure I do more.

NO, NO, NO!!! I don't think YABU at all. And I wonder if this attitude is why you're being worked into the ground at school. You sound as if you're too willing to take the blame and apologise for things that aren't your fault.
Seriously, you will not survive in teaching if you just lie down and let them pile more and more on you (same as at home!). Remember that if you're a good teacher (and it sounds as if you are), then they're lucky to have you and if you walk out, they'll seriously struggle to recruit. Remember that.
I mentioed this to my HT on Friday (half-joking). She told me no way was I leaving!

Does being a teacher mean that you can put more housework in during the holidays?

Please, just pay for a cleaner.

I knew you were going to be a teacher with a new tlr! Theyre really not worth the mpney mostly unless it is short term for career enhancement. In a lot of industries when you get a promotion you get a different role. In teaching it is the same role plus an extra role. unless slt

Get a cleaner
Cook on a saturday
Tidy up after yourself

My husband does almost everything term time (except on my day off. Im 80%) and i do almost everything during the holidays.

Serendipity, Yes, I would say so. That's when I catch up on all those bigger chores. Totally fair enough.

Thatdearoctopus - YES! Unfortunately some schools have a culture of bullying SLTs - get out, there are decent schools around and you're fortunate in that there's teacher shortage at the moment which gives you greater leverage. When I entered the profession it was during a phase when teaching was very competitive, literally 100 or so teachers chasing jobs particularly in my subject. I witnessed people being very poorly treated and there was a culture that if you weren't prepared to work crazy hours then someone else would. It's very different now and you can call more shots. It seems you feel ground down by your work life balance. TBH it would also do you the world of good to put your books away and do something different like cooking the dinner instead of your dh doing it. Everyone needs a healthy balance in life and you aren't getting it

I would be very resentful if I had to actually clean up other people's mess. The least you can do is clean as you go. Dirty clothes in the laundry, knives and plates in the dishwasher, things tidied up after yourself.

No wonder he is resentful. You are making him feel like your servant.

If you are in a good job and earning more than him use your extra share of money to employ a cleaner or someone to do the ironing.

I am not surprised he is pissed off. you come home at half past six ,eat the meal he has prepared, slope off to do another couple of hours work then go to bed at ten! The only signs he has that you live there are the little heaps of rubbish you leave for him to tidy up the next day!

please rethink your work/life balance. In my experience teaching is one of those jobs that leeches as much time as you are prepared to put into it, and the more hours you do the more you manage to find that you 'need' to do.

You have to stand firm, use your time efficiently, do the work but don't let it rule your life. schools need experienced confident teachers who approach the job fresh and rested, they do not need anxious burnt out people who are looking over their shoulder in case the senior management team is tapping its watch and looking disapproving.

Octopus - thank you. Your words have meant a lot to me on this thread! I do clean up toothpaste marks in the sink :) However, a really reallybad habit of mine is to leave my clothes on the floor. I know that makes me a slob and this thread has made me realise how draining that must be for DH, so I will make a real effort to tidy this up and just put clothes away. I know it's not hard. I've always done that since I was a child... My mum used to get so mad...!

You are right. It does feel atm as if they are just piling more and more on me. And I don't say no. e.g. the other day I was told I would have to start doing the planning for another teacher as well as my own...

Calleigh - during the holidays I do do a lot more. I cook more, clean the dishes (btw our kitchen is too small to fit a dishwasher so we need to clean by hand), and tidy up.

Trifle - thank you as well. I agree with you. I have always had a really good relationship with my current leadership team. I have always prided myself as someone who can cope with whatever work needs doing and I feel like a failure now that it's getting too much.

Is it crucial you live in London OP? There are schools all over the country who do not demand those sorts of hours and housing costs are also cheaper. If you want a family then this will need to be addressed at some point. I think it is unreasonable for your school to insist you leave late every night and I seriously doubt they would get anyone else to work those sorts of hours on a teachers pay which is not huge. Start by leaving at a reasonable time on one day a week (ie 5pm) then you can help your OH with making dinner.

Do you normally do the food shop on a Sunday? If so, it is not true that you do nothing if that is your only day off. If your OH gets home at 4pm every weekday then it is fair he makes dinner if you get in much later. I think if you are rushing around doing housework and food shopping on your only day off and your OH is just sitting gaming then that is unfair on you too. If he has a lot more spare time at home then yes he should do the bulk of the housework and cooking.

Why do you have to do someone else's planning?

Cornish - Thank you for your response. When I was buying a home, we were together, and I chose the location with him in mind (we picked the house together). I actually wanted to move away, as we could have got a lot more for the money. However, DH would not move away from the town where his family live. He would be very unhappy if we didn't live in London, where we do. He is very close to his family.

We normally order online, if I'm honest, but I went to buy food to cook him dinner tonight as I felt really bad.

Trifle - it is a new teacher starting, the school needs to improve and I am better at planning...

I said it would significantly impact my home life and the response was to think of the children and don't I want them to have the best possible lessons and I felt bad...

Why not just get a cleaner?

Munster - that's good advice. Thank you. I'm just scared about going somewhere else and it being the same or worse, but I don't know anybody!

You have to put your foot down. Your job isn't to compensate for poor hiring decisions made by your bosses. I am assuming you have a TLR - what is it for? In secondary, I am expected to make sure decent medium and long term planning is in place and there is guidance on objectives, but I don't plan for other teachers unless there is staff absence, and even then I am doing it out of good will.

Willow, please don't do all the planning for your nqt. Part of your responsibility role is developing your team's ability and drip feeding planning is not helping your colleague to develop. It might take your colleague longer at first, but if you encourage them to review their planning successes they will improve . By all means offer support but they need to develop, and they will then become a stronger teacher with more to offer the school .

You say your school is an academy, is your nqt colleague being given their full entitlement of non contact time, the whole point of non contact for nqts is that they do need longer for planning, research, reflection and marking. If they are not getting it then you could really help by raising this as a issue .

The money earned by each of you is irrelevant in terms of the share of housework you should be doing. The only relevant thing is the number of hours you both have free to do it.

He should therefore probably do a larger share than you but you should still do a proportion of it.

Willow did they hired an nqt over experienced applicants? If that was the case id be saying a firm no to the planning. As that would mean they chose based on cost and thought it wouldnt matter as you would do the work.

If your husband is managing to spend three hours a day gaming as well as a full time job, all the cooking and cleaning, I can only assume that there isn't a lot of housework. Or maybe he's a much more efficient cleaner than you (ie 15 mins on a bathroom instead of 3 houes)

You definitely sound like you're taking on too much at work.

My Dh works your hours & is away 3 nights per week.
He does the weekend food shop,most of the weekend cooking & cleans the fridge & kitchen.
He looks after the garden & brings the children swimming.

You are being very entitled & bringing little real value to the relationship.

You will lose him if all you
contribute is money .

It isn't an nqt. I don't want to say too much, in case someone read it and realised who I am, but a teacher has left and they have hired two part time teachers (both experienced) to cover the role, but neither would agree to come if they had to do all the planning.

Breakfast - I think he is definitely more efficient at it than me. He is quick at it.. There's only two of us a well so there's not that much. I know I could do an hour or so on a Saturday and I will start doing that. I think that will make a big difference to him.

That does not make it your job to do the planning for them. You need to go to your LM and explain that you understand that they are in a difficult position, but what they are asking of you isn't possible.