AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

I really don't think a childless couple have a lot of chores to share!

As one half of a childless couple who are currently living in squalor because neither of us see it as a priority, I'd disagree! There's obviously less work, but the current state of my house (this weekend will be the one where we tackle it, it really will...) shows that things still go pretty downhill pretty quickly!

Yellodraw - I would say that to a man actually. Not a good mind reader are you?! I have worked with kids extensively and know how important it is for them to have their family around ( I am NOT bashing single parents here, just a generalisation and by family I mean all the family - grandparents, uncles, aunts etc). Its like the ads for artificial insemination that are on the tube, they are aimed at career women who are too busy to find a partner yet want a child - if you are too busy to find a partner, then you are too busy to raise a child, thus employing somebody else to raise it. It is hard enough to work 9-5 and raise children, but working extremely long hours and have young children does not work, sorry but it doesnt, I have see it go wrong far too often, and it does affect the childen.

Stressedone Firstly, I don't believe you'd speak the same way about a man. I don't believe you'd use the phrase 'career man'. Because no one does.

Secondly, you're acting like the OP would be a single mother, but she has a partner who it is very clearly stated works much shorter hours. Are you really saying that no one should contemplate having a child unless both parents work easy hours? So any job that can't be done in 9-5 (i.e. a huge proportion of them) is just completely off limits to anyone with children?

StressedOne, you are entitled to your views but I pity the children you work with extensively if they pick up your narrow minded blinkered perspective. Good luck.

OP, you can't keep working longer hours, so you have to find other ways of achieving the standards you want. I think you should seriously consider getting a mentor or other assistance with work, e.g. via a union. When I first started work I got myself on a study skills and work stress course, and it has stood me in very good stead ever since.

Usually, work (including housework) will expand to fit the time available. That is where you have to be strict with yourself: impose a time limit, work intensively, stop when time is up and switch to whatever else you've got to do without dithering. You may find you get better at working faster if you do this. It also leaves less time for agonising about getting it right, which is a godsend.

I do this for housework a lot: 'right, let's see what I can get done in 40 minutes'. I find the answer is almost always 'more than I expected'. I end up taking the stairs at a run and doing as much as I would spend 2 hours doing at a more normal pace, so it counts as exercise as well. When time is up, I don't worry about anything left uncompleted. I've done loads, the place looks better, now for something else.

You really have got to stop being messy. While you don't mean it that way, it almost certainly comes across to your DH as disrespectful and inconsiderate. You can spare 10 minutes to tidy clothes away when you get back from work. I put my clothes out for the following day at this time as well, to save time in the morning. Ditto the bed: it is the work of seconds, if you've got a duvet, to leave it looking presentable. This is easy stuff to contribute.

Leave work earlier twice a week. Make it your routine. No one is going to think you a slacker if you work late 3 times and leave promptly twice. The more you hang around, the more stuff people will give you to do.

Make time for your DH, as he should make time for you. Every night spent in separate rooms or absorbed in different tasks without a whole lot of communication will not be good for either of you long-term. If you aren't doing school work or housework, do your DH!

To me, it's not the 'big' obvious tasks like cleaning bathrooms etc that grate when they don't get done, it's the continuous daily grind of crumbs on floor-milk left out-marks on counter-dishes left in sink

You wipe up as you go!

I could never live with someone who leaves toothpaste in the sink, shaving debris in the bath, poo in the toilet, crumbs on the side and milk marks.

That is not cleaning. That is just 'wiping up after yourself'.

Who keeps the sides clear enough to be cleaned? Everyone! The less messy you are the better. Have a tub or a shelf where the crap gets dumped.

Blimey I thought I was back in the 1950s for a moment with stressedone

YelloDraw that is my point - as you can see on hundreds of threads on MN lots of people don't do what you or I consider the absolute basics of keeping a home clean - either because they honestly don't care about house being messy/don't "see" the mess, or because they know someone else will clear it up for them.

If this lack of effort then passes on to children suddenly you have four people in a house leaving crumbs everywhere, mud stains on floor, etc and it starts taking very little effort for a house to become messy, but a lot of effort for one tidy person to keep it clean.

It is those people that having a cleaner would make little to no difference to.