AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

Bit off topic now, but you say you have health anxieties about cleaning products. Have you tried e-cloths? That particular brand seems much better than some of the own-brand microfibre cloths or spontex etc.
Anyway, you just use water with them so no nasty chemicals at all. There are normal cloths, and ones for drying glass/chrome that make everthing super-shiny. And for things where you need detergent, surcare sensitive fragrance-free washing up liquid is fab.

Good luck in finding some work/life balance!

Sorry but yabu you should at the very least clean up after yourself its exhausting cleaning up after a messy bastard he isnt there for that and hoovering up or a quick wipe round the bathroom dosent take that long and would make him feel less like a skivvy i feel like also his day at work will also be tiring and where maybe if hes home earlier hes probably easier doing housework you do need to contribute there too its give n take

What housework do you do in school holidays OP? I realise that some of them will be spent doing planning but surely you will be working far fewer hours than usual? If, for example, you took on the lion's share of housework during the holidays, that might be one way to make it more equitable?

Totally agree re e-cloths and e-cover. Also try Method cleaning products as they're natural.

Sorry, seem to disagree with most posters. You are working 15. Hours at work a day, him 8, so if overall workload is shared and I'm sure he's not doing 7 hours a day cleaning then you're in you're rights to expect him to do it. I've had time off work after having children and wouldn't have expected my partner to come home and clean. Likewise since he's had time off and I would have been annoyed if I had of had to come home and clean. Some posters seem to suggest you're progressing your career to be selfish, but seems like you're doing it for both of you, people just read what they want to. Equal work is equal work whatever it entails, and you're obviously doing more than you're fair share already!

I think you need to do some of the stuff. If one of us cooks the other cleans the kitchen after stuff like that. Maybe you can set a few house takes that don't take a lot of time (dishwashers, bins etc) but you can't do nothing around the house

You sound like he benefits from your slog at work, and career work is stressful, yes cleaning is boring but not draining, can be done whilst watching to / listening to the radio. He sounds like he benefits greatly financially from your toil, so don't think it's a lot to ask for him to put in equal hours, esp if he's admitted he would rather just work 8-4 and not stress himself out with career!

Definitely get a cleaner!

It's not worth the arguments/resentment.

Yanbu BUT You need to try and be less messy and do some housework at weekends IMHO. At least then he wouldn't feel he is constantly cleaning up after you.

As quoted from earlier I 100%agree with this;

1. Stop being so bloody messy.
2. Start clearing up your own mess.
3. Pay for a cleaner
4. Look at your work life balance. You say you are intending to have children, but you clearly won't have any time for them.

I do think however it's disrespectful of you to just declare yourself messy, and I assume therefore he kind of clears up around you. He's not your parent, and this dynamic can be very damaging. I don't believe in messy and non-messy people. I think there are people who tidy up after themselves and those who don't want to. It's not an in built quality or special power.

Made me laugh - especially given the name. Not believing in messy and non messy people doesn't mean it's not true. I don't think it's disrespectful - it's being honest. I am very messy and untidy and find it very difficult to keep an ordered, tidy house. It's learned behaviour and if you were not lucky enough to have that growing up, then it's hard to know where to begin. I go from one extreme to the other but the misery and aftermath of my freaking out to get the house in order (which takes me days, as opposed to hours), is unfair on everyone, me included. so we live in an mostly untidy, disorderly happy house.

If he has time for x-box, he has time to do the housework. As for his DM, I'd ask him to keep her out of it. Nothing to do with her.

You need to be a lot more assertive at work. Progressing at work is fine but not at the expense of your home life. It's deeply selfish to prioritise your career success, even if your motivation is to earn more for a shared future, if it is making your partner unhappy now.

Also you say that you own your home but your DH pays towards the mortgage. Hate to break it to you, but he also owns your home. And as he is doing the bulk of the work to maintain the house, arguably he has greater claim than just the percentage of cash going to the bank. If the gender roles were reversed here the short knives would be out on this thread over that alone.

YANBU. You work harder than him and your working day is longer. It is only fair that he does the HW as you are the breadwinner.

I'm just wondering how much housework is there? Your 2 people who are out of the house for most of the day. Surely the house isn't that dirty. Just make sure you pick up after yourself & find time to do the quicker chores e.g. wiping down counters, taking out the rubbish etc.

If your partner was originally fine with it all but is now growing very resentful then he is the same position as me. With me, what bothers me is not the amount of time spent on housework, it's the steadily declining amount of respect. I'm fine to wash, dry and put away the laundry every day. I am even fine with making dinner. I am sort of fine with doing the washing up too. I am not fine with picking up his smelly underwear from next to the laundry bin when it should be in it. I am not fine with him leaving his dirty cups on the worktop near the dishwasher, but never putting them in. I am not fine with him putting rubbish in an already overflowing bin. He used to thank me every day for stuff I do but now instead I get 'why did you not do the shopping' 'could we keep the worktop tidier' Etc etc. And as a result I kind of want to put up a sign that says "I

Who earns what has nothing to do with this situation. Why do you think that matters? You work double the hours your husband works, and by that measure you should do half the amount of housework he does.

Assuming you lived alone before your husband joined you a year ago, who did your housework? If it was you, why did you stop?

Truthfully, if I were you, I would hire a cleaner. He already works full-time, and you work double that. Get a cleaner.

My husband and I both disagreed about housework and when it should be done and how prioritised so we got a cleaner. Basically saved our marriage!!!! I fully recommend offloading the entire burden to someone else and spend those few hours a week bonking having a lovely time with your DH
In the meantime just try and schedule in a bit of something every night or morning like doing the dishwasher or putting on a load of washing overnight, or sorting into piles, etc. An evening to yourself from 8:30... when you do have children you'll realise that was a luxury in comparison.
X

Just read the whole post. (Sorry mumsnet!) Sounds like work is mega stressful. The last thing you need is an envious situation with your DH as well. Chat to him. Tell him you feel massively overburdened. At the moment you feel home is the area able to slack, and you need his support. See if you can work out a best steps WITH him (i.e. what to do about your school clearly taking advantage!) Then at least he'all get it a bit more. Hope it all gets resolved x

Your working at home is excessive. Must be quite lonely for your partner if you work all evening and most of the weekend. You say it's an investment in your joint future but it's more like an investment in your own career. Is it what he really wants? Would he prefer to spend more time with you and sacrifice a bit of income?
Having a child would only exacerbate this situation. Parents HAVE to give up a lot their time- what compromises would you be willing to make?

We are like you and your DH, except I am the one left with all the donkey work..... I note you say you are messy. Speaking personally, even though I am not a tidiness freak, there's nothing that winds me up more than DP coming along and messing up what I have just cleaned. It feels very disrespectful. Cleaning is hard work and boring and most of it is thankless. Eg if the toilet is clean nobody thanks you but if it's dirty everyone complains. Sorry, I'm sure this sound like a bit of rant, but I'm just wondering if your DH has some of the same feelings as me.

My suggestions would be 1. Every time you use something, put it away - it only takes a moment, 2. Say thank you 3. Do the odd small task - there are literally 100s of 5 min tasks to do and if somebody does even 1 each day, it feels lovely.

As a newly reformed messy fucker, may I repeat some advice I read on here:

Whenever you do ANYTHING, consider the tidying away afterwards as part of the job. So if you make a sandwich, the job's not finished until the cheese is back in the fridge, the bread's back in the crock pot and you've washed up the knife, chopping board and cheese grater. Don't just leave it all on the counter to be tidied up by your DH later.

I think it's reasonable for the person who is home more to take on a greater share of domestic duties. However, I can't help but wonder if you are a workaholic, and hence I can understand your husband's resentment, which might be more priority/lifestyle related than about the fact he actually does all the housework.

If you both work full time, your hours are your reasonable working hours including commute. You are choosing to spend a lot more time than this working, in which case I'm imagining a really high six figure salary to justify a couple of hours at home every night plus one day every weekend, hence why not think about getting a cleaner!

I don't think your respective salaries comes into the dilemma as per your opening post personally. And I encourage you to think about how important your career really is - do you love your job more than time with your husband?

While I don't necessarily disagree with the comments you're getting OP, I can't help thinking how different it would be if the sexes were reversed.

Many, many women on mumsnet facilitate men who work long hours, earn more, prioritise their careers, don't concern themselves overly with housework. You are getting your arse handed to you for what many men easily get away with.

Talk to your husband. Find out what is upsetting him. Is it really the housework or is that a symbol of something else?
The most important thing is that you both communicate and that you listen to him and you both find a way to move forward that makes both of you happy/happier.
What can you do that will help him be happier and is it something you want to do and are prepared to do?
It may be he just needs you to be more appreciative or as others have suggested maybe a cleaner would be a good idea so you can spend more time together feeling like a couple instead of boss and domestic.
Do you say thank you to him and do you compliment him on the things he does for you?
Talk to him. Ask him his opinion and take it on board and make some changes.