AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

And this whole 'I'm just messy' is like something a child in my Y7 class would say: 'I'm just dead naughty me.' Grow up. It's not okay for you to expect your partner to hold down what is basically a full-time job AND all the housework, just because you want to get ahead in your career.

Its a bit concerning that you say you are "very very" messy and that tidying up (after yourself I presume) is less important to the work you do.

So that sounds to me like you're messy but the unspoken attitude is "Fuck you DH - you tidy up my shit, as I'm too busy and important"

You should be doing a share of the work but if you dont want to do it yourself then outsourcing would be fine I think. If you pay for a cleaner out of your own disposable income then that would make a huge difference.

I dont think that yabu to want to spend what little free time you get, relaxing. However he is NBU to be pissed off that he does everything so you do need to find a way to share the load.

Speaking as someone messy with a tidier dp:

In your set up the arrangement sounds fair, but have a look at your habits. Do you tidy up after yourself? Does he ever get a break from housework?
My advice is to sit him down on his own and ask him if he is happy, what he wants from you etc.
ALWAYS pick up after yourself. That inclusex rubbish, dirty clothes, costs and shoes, used dishes. And take over one or two smaller jobs (like taking out the rubbish).

Elspeth: 😂 This. No adult is too important to clean up after themselves.

And the obviously gender swapped post out to make a point award goes to...

It's one things not to contribute to the housework (which is bad enough, surely you could do a little?) It's another thing completely to add to the housework by being very, very messy!

At least clean & tidy up after yourself - he is your husband, not your hired help!

I can see why he is annoyed about the situation but he should discuss it with you, not bring it up when his Mum is there.

So yes, YABU to expect him to pick up after you just because you earn more!

Seriously, how does the set up sound fair? He isn't a SAHP. He works full time too. OP is choosing to a) be messy around the house and b) work more hours than she has to. Her partner has expressed unhappiness at the expectation that he will do ALL the housework, including cleaning up the presumably significant detritus left by the OP. Is he her servant then?

You are effectively saying you and your work are more important than his, and that it is fine for him to clear up after your mess. With only two people who are out all day, surely there isn't that much housework? I would think the rule should be that if he cooks you wash and clear up, and that you do the other housework together at weekends. And you really need to make an effort to clear up your own mess.

You should make a real effort not to be 'very very messy' . There really is no need for it and it's just an excuse for laziness. Sorry but f that seems harsh but surely you can make an improvement especially as you want to prove that you value DP and are trying to meet them half way.

E.g. Take off clothes at end of day, put them in the laundry basket.

Finish your coffee, put cup in dishwasher.

Make a sandwich, spend 1 minute putting away the bread, butter and sweeping crumbs into the bin.

I can't imagine what mess you are making that cannot be made better by putting in a little effort. My DH is like this and it's not that I mind washing up his dirty things it's that I have to collect the dirty things first when he is more than capable of putting them by the sink/in the wash bin.

You would drive me insane OP. I don't work and do almost all the household chore. DH works very long hours at a high earning job. He still manages to tidy up behind himself clear up after dinner, run the hoover round at the weekend ( I have back pain and this chore above all I find hard). He also does all the gardening and car stuff as I hate it. If he did nothing and just made a massive mess I would be extremely pissed off. I would get a cleaner if you don't want to do any chores.

Absolutely you should help.

Dh works similar hours to you (leaves home at 7 home at 9 most days then works from home for 1-2 hours)

However even with this I expect him to do certain chores.

I also work full time why should it all come down to me and the teenagers.

We have a chore chart and each person HAS to do 2 from that each week. DH usually takes the bins out and washes the kitchen floor on his kitchen evening (as we all have 1 day we have to clean the kitchen - Sunday is shared)

I also expect him to tidy up after himself. Again not my job he is a grown up.

OP, what do you do?

There's a fairly strong whiff of "I'm so important" running through your thread

Two full time adults, one on clearly a very important (!) job. Why not get a cleaner?

If this waS the other way around I expect the responses would be different.

I hate this I pay for dinner and I own the house as you have stated. That sounds like a business arrangement, not an equal marriage.

Tidy up after yourself. All you do is earn more than him. He works full time plus works at home. May be not in the sense that you do but he's cleaning up after you. Have some respect and stop being messy.

Get a cleaner.

If you are married the money and house are joint.

It isn't relevant who earns more, but hours worked are relevant for practical reasons.

If your DH does the food shopping and cooking he is more than pulling his weight without also doing all the housework - you are so highly paid so you can obviously afford a cleaner.

Get a cleaner is a common off the cuff MN solution, but in this case it is the obvious and the right one.

As one wise feminist on FWR once said: it's about the leisure time. If you have the same amount of leisure time it's fair.

But yes cleaning up after yourself would be basic courtesy.

What happened before he moved in? Surely you managed your own chores despite working those hours? Or did you just live in filth?

Er Kirrie have you read the responses? Almost everyone has said the same as you!

You are married - you need to stop thinking of it as 'your money' and 'his money' for starters.

When you are both in the house (and you aren't working at home) then you both need to pull your weight equally. He will become even more cheesed off and resentful than he already is if you swan in, make a mess and then expect it to be his responsibility to clear up after you.

Sit down together and make a list of chores, depending on which ones you are each happy to do. If you can't clean the bathroom for instance, then swap that task for something you can do without issues.

You need to grow up and stop the 'very very messy' crap.

Tidy up after yourself like an adult should.

You should not be leaving your mess for him to clear up - that is very disrespectful. A cleaner seems like the obvious solution here.

I think you are not going to be able to maintain a good relationship with the amount of work you do. Working long hours can't be sustained long term along with a good work-home balance.

Is the OP going to come back do you think?