AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

I agree that some of the comments the OP is getting would not be given if she were a man.

Things like letting her dh off the hook for not being ambitious. As if men have a duty to be ambitious, not women? Things like having to work less hard if she wants to be a parent. If anything, men tend to put in more hours at work when they become parents, not that that is seen as a minus if it were a man doing it.

I guess it is men's lot to work hard for the benefit of women and their families.

There is just the two of you. What housework.?. I think you need to get a grip, unless you live in a mansion. A few dishes, and a few clothes to wash, dry, and iron. A little bit of cleaning a few times a week to do. That's why he can play his Xbox. Way too much fuss is made over housework on this forum. I worked full time and did it all, it's a doddle. I'm not a martyr either before someone chirps in.

You've already admitted you are very messy so are adding to his workload at home. Maybe make an effort to pick up after yourself and give a visible but short burst of helping each day. Your dh may not feel resentful then. Sounds like you're a bit of a workerholic and need to be more of a partner at home.

YABU.

At the moment my DP does all of the housework but only because I'm out of the house 7am-7.30pm and he isn't working at all.

Once he gets a job he will be working less hours than me and contributing less financially but I wouldn't expect him to do everything. In all honesty I'll probably go back to paying a cleaner once he's back at work so the time I have off work is quality time with him where neither of us are doing lots of chores. If this wasn't possible we'd agree a split of housework that worked for us based on the hours we spend out of the house.

I work the same hours as your DH (8-430) and I do all the housework. I also earn slightly more than my OH who is self employed and whose hours are a bit more chaotic.

I don't really mind doing it - we don't have kids and are out the house all day so it's not particularly onerous. But what REALLY hacks me off is when he doesn't tidy up after himself and leaves cutlery on the side or skid marks in the loo. That's when I feel resentful.

I've read more of the thread. I think it's time to have a heart to heart with your husband about married life in general.

I don't think your current lifestyle is sustainable; you are overworked and stressed. Your husband might not realise how 'unhappy' you are about the current situation and feel understandably, but incorrectly 'ignored.'

I would also want to discuss his gaming hobby. Unless he has a physically demanding job, it would seriously piss me off! I don't think it's healthy to spend that much time essentially slobbing out, at any age, and it becomes habit. Playing sport might take up the same amount of time but is entirely different since it's active, could involve spending time in nature which is good for mental health, and usually has social benefits too. I know you spend a lot of time working, but is your husband getting enough exercise? The modern couch potato lifestyle leads to health issues later in life.

"I earn a lot more than DH and own our house " Says it all reallly.

Is it possible for DH to look at promotion/changing jobs? There's too much financial pressure on you at the moment, I don't think you can continue working like this, it will ruin your health and relationship. I don't think it's fair that you have to work so hard to keep the roof over your heads. If you get ill and have to reduce your hours-then what will you do? Maybe think seriously about getting a lodger even if it's not what you want, at least then DH can see the impact of why you're working these hours.
Even with getting a cleaner and you doing some cooking etc there is still no time for the two of you together.
And if you are pushed to do more work - point out "when" - don't just accept it! You are not doing yourself any favours in the long run.

Dp is a teacher. The first few years we were together were completely crap. He used to work all hours under the sun, all evenings, weekends and holidays and it still didn't all get done. It's impossible. Teaching is one of those jobs that you just have to accept is not possible to do to a perfect standard all the time. Sometimes you have to say enough is enough! If the school rely on you, they will work around it, like they have for the part time teachers (you're going to have to go back btw and say that actually there's not enough hours in the day to do 2 sets of planning and so you won't be able to help)

Dp and I share the cooking and do alternate nights. He does easy quick meals that can cook themselves while he does marking. I usually do the cleaning. He puts washing in before he goes to work.

We decided that he will stop working in the evening after dinner, and at the weekend he will do one mornings work and then we'll do something together. If there's something I can help with like ticking maths papers while watching Tv or searching for a lesson plan on tes I'll do it so we have more time together.

Don't reinvent the wheel. If you've taught that lesson in a previous year, dig out the lesson plan and teach it again. Use tes and other online resources. It might not be an outstanding lesson, but it's probably alright.

It sounds like you need to put some boundaries in so you get a good work life balance. Can you look for another school that might be less unreasonable re. Hours worked? Can you look for a cheaper area to live in to take away the pressure? Or get a lodger or foreign student who can make the saving up easier? (My lodger's rent paid for all the paint and diy stuff when we moved, and my parents students are funding our wedding and the many holidays my parents go on!)

You need to sort out your anxiety as a priority. That is very draining on a relationship; first hand experience here! There's no problem in my mind if he does the bulk of the housework as long as you don't create mess. The excuse of being "very very messy" is a totally shit one and massively disrespectful to your husband

There are so many issues here that need to be addressed before you are driven to exhaustion. To be perfectly honest at present your H is getting off lightly.

Your work/ life balance is unsustainable and children aren't even on the horizon until you get it sorted. It doesn't sound like your employer could give a flying f*ck about your mental health and if you don't learn to push back and start prioritising your mental health you will find yourself in a position where housework will be the least of your worries.

Don't get a cleaner just yet, you can't afford one and although I can understand your guilt and his resentment, a cleaner would be an expensive short term solution. You both need to get on the same page as to what you are both jointly working towards and why. The price your H pays for living where he does and for his modest earnings is that he will do the overwhelming majority of the housework because you are picking up the financial slack by working insane hours and if he has difficulties with that, then he needs to come up with ways where the majority of the financial burden doesn't rest on your shoulders. I get the impression that you H doesn't quite live in the real world (the costs of living in London, the realities of being a SAHP etc) and that you enable this by not being more assertive.

I work full-time (self employed) and DH is retired. I pay for a cleaner, he does the rest of the housework and we share the cooking.

Sharing is really important. As is tidying up after yourself. I'm also really messy, but know that making an effort shows my respect, and is appreciated.

The thing with housework is that is invisible work that needs to be done again and again and again, with no holidays, bank holidays or weekends. You only notice it when it's not done (mainly) or is sparkling clean to show room standards... so it can be very unfulfilling.

It doesn't matter that he used to do this all the time, the fact is that he's still doing it and you are now two to clean after (and you said you are messy). It doesn't matter that he has time to play the Xbox, it's not reasonable to expect him to work and do all housework and food preparation because he works a couple of hours less a day.

In your situation, I would pay a cleaner to do your share of housework, rates are £10/h around here. I would also agree to do something that helps him, such as help with the meal planning, buying food before heading back home, tidying up after yourself and maybe get in charge of something that you can do once a week, such as changing bedsheets or iron the work stuff for the week. You say you don't want to sacrifice your rest day... but when has he actually got a rest day? Are you just too comfortable in the situation that you now expect him to do everything at all times? It's not fair. What would you do if you were on your own? Would you do a bit? Would you pay someone? Would you live in chaos and dirt? Probably not, so do at least what you would do in that situation and be extra grateful for the work he does for borh of you. I'd buy him an Xbox game or pay card now and then and make the point it us because he helps so much around and you are grateful.

You say you work for both of you, but to be fair that kid of work is mainly for you, he is just next to you. If you were alone, you'd do as much and you would get all the rewards for extra work too. In his case, if he were alone, he would have less work to do (at home) and more time for himself. So his situation has worsened when yours has only improved (housework-wise).

I really don't get the MN magic 'get a cleaner' solution to a problem where one partner does no housework at all and the other gets resentful about it.

Ok you've got a cleaner who comes once a week for an hour/two and in that time sticks the hoover over and gives the bathrooms a scrub, maybe also manages to clean the floors.

Firstly, who is in charge of the admin - hiring, paying, and keeping in touch with the cleaner, making sure they leave a key out, etc?

What happens when the cleaner is ill/leaves/go on holiday? Who picks up the slack?

If cleaner comes on Monday afternoon and messy partner spills something/leaves bathroom stinking Monday evening, does clean partner just ignore it for the next 6 days until the next Monday when house is briefly clean for a few short hours again?

Finally, cleaners only do a few specific jobs. Who empties the dishwasher, puts the washing on, organises childcare, wipes down surfaces, cooks, shops, irons, etc etc etc?

Who makes sure the surfaces are clear enough of clutter so that the cleaner can actually do their job?

To me, it's not the 'big' obvious tasks like cleaning bathrooms etc that grate when they don't get done, it's the continuous daily grind of crumbs on floor-milk left out-marks on counter-dishes left in sink.

I can see getting a cleaner could be helpful in situations where both partners clean as they go along but just want to outsource the bigger jobs to have a little more time to themselves. But in relationships where one partner sincerely thinks that cleaning is unimportant to them and places no value on it whatsoever, then surely getting a cleaner is just putting a tiny plaster on a gaping wound?

I do most of, if not all of the housework in our house.

I work a normal 9-5 office job and my OH works in sales so is on his feet all day, sometimes working 12 hours a day so I'm more home to do the housework and I wouldn't expect him to come home at 9pm and clean dishes, hoover, etc.

He only gets 1 day off a week so on that day off he keeps the house tidy and does bits and bobs but I do the "big" jobs over the weekend (bathroom, kitchen) it works for us and I think it's fair. He never takes it for granted and we have a pretty great balance at home.

If you're not doing ANYTHING that's another story. I'm assuming you put your dishes in the dishwasher, tidy up after yourself? If you don't you are just being messy and a bit rude toward your DH.

anotherone - that whole post is just spot on.

"To me, it's not the 'big' obvious tasks like cleaning bathrooms etc that grate when they don't get done, it's the continuous daily grind of crumbs on floor-milk left out-marks on counter-dishes left in sink. "

YYY!

Before we had children, I said to (now ex) P that perhaps we should get a cleaner. He looked mystified and said "what would they do?" I explained that there was a lot of looking after the house that I was doing by myself. He said "well write a list then. I will help you." I said "ok I will write list of things that get done weekly, occasionally, and daily." He said in absolute disbelief "DAILY? You don't need to do anything DAILY."

He has never, ever, ever, EVER cleaned the surfaces in our kitchen properly.

He is now an ex.

your obviously not that busy because you have time to post on social media during the day...

Yabu. It doesn't take long to shove a load of washing on just before you leave. It is quicker and more efficient to tidy as you go, and often sheer laziness not to. When DH or DS x2 do this, I call them on it. Disrespectful to me to have to pick up after them.
How about cooking jointly on your one day, making an effort, being a bit romantic.
Even though your DH is making digs when with your MIL, I suggest you raise with him and ask how he feels and what he thinks is fair. You can't let resentments build if marriage to last.
Good luck to you both.

Please dont have kids! If you dont have time and only have one day off how do you expect to see your children? Money is not everything. It is nice to have money, but if you dont have a life what is the point?! I think you need to step back and look at the big picture, experiences and social life is better than material things. Get a cleaner, sounds like you can afford it, just because he earns less and works less doesnt mean he has to be you slave.
I speak from experience here, gave up a huge paying job, down sized the house had another kid and am much happier, travel more, see family and friends more and am mortgage free!

Also, on your one day off why dont you both do batch cooking together, perhaps only once a month/fortnight, then just frreze everything then you just have to take it out in the morning and let it thaw then heat in the evening, it saves loads of time. We always do it, especially things like pasta sauces, lentils, soups, then you can just quickly fry some meat to go with it.

The things I am most resentful about dh's expectation that I am the Fairy Who Removes All Inconveniences is his sheer rudeness in not taking 3 steps to put the wrapper of his coffee pod in the bin, or moving his arm 3 inches to put the breadknife back in the bread bin, or moving his arm a massive 6 inches to hang the bottle opener back on its hook.

It's that he simply doesn't bother picking up after himself, clean up drips while he's right by the sink and the sponge; that complete dismissal of me as anything other than the one who cleans up after him. Why should I clean up those small messes for him? He's treating me as his mother, and what mother wants to shag her son? (THat's where the whole thing goes tits up for him.)

Stop treating your lover like a cleaner or a parent. Do at least as much as you would have to do if you lived alone.

The same thread but OP being a man would get a total beating. Told to find some balance in his life, family is important, his partner is important, house choirs need sharing.
YABU.

There is just the two of you. What housework.?

Quite. How on earth do do people, no DCs, no pets make so much work for themselves in the house?

Get a cleaner for 3 hours a week - unless you live in a mansion that is enough time for the whole house to be done and your bed sheets changed.

You each do your own washing and ironing.

You each pick up after yourself, you shouldn't be leaving a trail of devastation where ever you go.

If you have a dishwasher, how much is there really to clean up after dinner? Everything in the dishwasher, wipe down surfaces. Turn DW on. Empty it in the morning while waiting for kettle to boil.

Every now and again pay cleaner extra time to do do a deep clean like cupboards and stuff.

Please dont have kids! If you dont have time and only have one day off how do you expect to see your children?
That is a horrible thing to say and you would not say that to a man.

The same thread but OP being a man would get a total beating. Told to find some balance in his life, family is important, his partner is important, house choirs need sharing

I really don't think a childless couple have a lot of chores to share!

Um, whether you have DCs or not, bathrooms need cleaning, clothes need washing, floors need mopping, food needs cooking, post needs dealing with, bins need putting out, sheets and towels need changing and washing, washing up needs to be done, with exactly the same amount of pots and pans as for a family, just a bit less crockery and cutlery, kitchens need cleaning, dusting needs to be done, windows need cleaning, etc etc etc. and if both parties aren't doing their share, it either descends into chaos, or one person ends up doing it all and feeling resentful. Hardly 'not a lot of chores to share'