AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

Because op has been back several times already bibbitybobbityyhat and confirmed it's not a reverse.

The op has been back

Huge cross post

Maudlin - thank you for your post. I think he understands that I am working for both of us, however, he doesn't get that I can just choose not to do something. When we first moved in together, the balance was a lot more equal. For example, he would cook and I would wash up. When my workload increased, he started to do more so I would get my work done, he would wash up and then we'd be able to spend an hour together IYSWIM. We've sort of settled into this routine, I think, and he's started to resent it.

Alongside, this post and doing the food shopping today, I have been up since 6 working and still have loads to do. He got up at 10 and has been playing computer games since. After starting this thread, I am going to cook him dinner and wash up tonight.

I definitely do some of the things you said and not others. I tidy the bathroom after I use it, for example, and put away a plate if I have toast. But I don't make my bed and stuff like that as it doesn't bother me that it's unmade. And I do have a habit of leaving clothes on the floor, which I understand can be very annoying. That was what I meant by messy in my OP.

I think you need to address the work issues too OP.

So, he's gamed all day?

Trifle - I agree with you, but I am scared if I do that I won't progress (either in terms of promotions or up the pay scale) and we won't be able to start a family.

I am clearly not ready to do that now, I know that! However, we want to in a few years, but will need to massively save in the meantime. As it is, we just about earn enough money to cover all the bills etc atm.

He has gamed all day. And all yesterday evening...

But as someone said it is his hobby and if he supported football that would be just as time consuming. And I always knew that is what he enjoys so I don't mind.

However, my logic (up until now) has been if dishes need washing and there are two people - one of whom is working, the other is gaming, the one gaming should reasonably do it.

Now, I realise, if I am always working, then he always has to do it, which isn't fair and I need to sort out my work/life balance.

What you're describing about the sprays and the repeated cleaning if you see a speck of dust sounds to me like OCD. OCD's origins are rooted in anxiety and the OCD kicks in to protect you from that anxiety, but it is a negative feedback loop as it actually increases the anxiety.

Have you thought about getting help for this issue? Maybe during school holidays you could book in a course of CBT (corrective behavioural therapy). Your GP may be able to help or you could try and find a mental wellbeing centre near you, or a private therapist.

Because the issue is you don't clean as you get stuck cleaning for hours to make it 'perfect' or end up having a panic attack. And that level of problem isn't something you can just change without professional help. It's not really something you can just decide not to do.

And you work 70 plus hours a week to survive? Unless you live in London? Or the job is one that necessitates this to progress to a high income? Either your DH needs to find better paid work or you need to talk to your employer.

Well, in my experience the teachers who progress do work hard but they can still say no sometimes! They take work home but they don't keep at it until 10pm every night if they didn't get home until 6. You sound like you are putting far too much pressure on yourself. Is there a culture of bullying at your school?

But you are still choosing to use your non-working hours on work. It isn't fair to use work as your get-out-of-housework-free card.

My husband and I are both academics. Consequently we both have a lot of work that we do at home. But that doesn't mean we can opt out of the daily tasks that are simply necessary to running a house.

I would also say that if a person without kids who does all the housework wants to spend all of a Sunday gaming, then that's his prerogative. He's clearly still getting shit done.

YABVU, OP.

You work longer hours and more days. Fine. I can understand in this instance trying to split the housework and cooking less evenly and more on a sliding scale. But by your own admission you're messy and DH does 'pretty much everything'. That isn't fair. I can understand how he would feel very resentful of picking up after you when you don't lift a finger to help at all. You are not a child. You have hands. Use them to clear away your mess.

On your day off, do some batch cooking to freeze so that DH doesn't have to cook every night. On your day off, spend an hour or two doing some household chores in the morning - bleach the toilet, run the hoover round, stick on a load of laundry, etc. On your day off, ask him if he needs a second pair of hands to help with anything in the house or garden. He is your partner, not your maid. Don't treat him like one.

OP, I used to be a teacher and my best friend is now an AHT. She works from approx 8-6pm, and one day at the weekend. She is throughly brilliant (even if I am biased) and has made SLT within 6 years of starting teaching.

Calm down, seriously. I know the pressure to do insane hours in teaching, but you'll kill yourself like this.

I'm messy and my husband does more housework than me, but I am very aware that this can easily descend into taking the piss if I don't keep myself in check.
Just do a few things. Make the bed when you get out of it. It takes seconds and while it might not bother you, do it to show him you care about the work he does.
Because there's nothing more infuriating than busting a gut to keep the place tidy and have someone behind you messing it all up again.
It's not the mess that bothers him so much as the disregard for the work he has done. Also, tell him it looks nice, or that it's nice to come home to a clean house, or whatever. Notice his effort.

If you stopped being so damn messy (lazy?) then there wouldn't be as much cleaning up to do

I have already said that I think OP should be doing more around the house, but how many men who work long hours get told that they should be batch-cooking at the weekend so that their wife doesn't have to cook during the week?

I am a teacher too. I totally understand how it can become all-encompassing. You never, ever get to a point where you can sit back and say, "Yep. Done."

It is also bone-shatteringly exhausting. I too would be pissed off after working those hours, with all that has to be done at home too before you can even think about going in to start the next day, if my other half was sitting around gaming and whingeing that I hadn't put the hoover round recently.

Sure, get a cleaner if you think that will assuage some of the guilt. But those who are accusing you of being lazy are way off-beam here and being really unfair. It's not as if you're sitting around playing online games oh! Like he is. You're working.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to pick your clothes off the floor and wipe the toothpaste marks off the basin when you're done.

If housework is an issue now when you don't have children and modest living size, wait till you have children. The housework issue will mushroom beyond control and it is best to sort out the balance now.

In terms of being less messy, there is a finite number of things to achieve a base line. You say you are going to improve on this front anyway, so achievable. That includes:

• making your bed (very annoying to others to have to make your bed),
• washing up and putting away the odd cup you use, not leaving them around
• picking your clothes off the floor and putting them in the wash basket
• putting shoes and coats away.
• putting things like scissors, nailclippers in the place they normally live when you have used them
• not coming home and dumping your bags/shopping all over without taking things out and putting them away
• wiping up spills and crumbs and any dirt you track in immediately.
• occasionally sorting out the detritus of your life, find storage or throw away.
• cleaning your own skid marks. No need to use bleach, just a toilet brush.

That is just being tidy. It is not cleaning. You can get a cleaner for cleaning. It is getting into good habits now.

As others say, it shows disrespect for your dh to expect him to pick up after you when you are a grown adult.

PS, I work the same overall hours as you. I respect that you are positioning yourself for a better life. You can fit tidying in too and it gets easier with practice.

And all those suggesting that a teacher should go in to see their Leadership Team and say that they're being expected to do too much, are having a bloody laugh, surely! They'd be laughed out of the room, and probably put on Competencies before they'd closed the door.

Why do you think schools are haemorrhaging staff these days?

However, my logic (up until now) has been if dishes need washing and there are two people - one of whom is working, the other is gaming, the one gaming should reasonably do it.

I wouldn't change that logic! It sounds right to me.

Teacher here OP. If you are relatively new to the profession the hours are insane; however, it does get easier over time and you learn the tricks of the trade, how to prioritise effectively etc. Having said that, if you have dreadful, micro managing SLT then look around for another school. There are some heads who are complete control freaks and will insist on levels of planning and paperwork which aren't sustainable. Having been in the profession for donkeys years, I now get into work before 8am, leave by 6pm latest but rarely take work home. It's busy but doable - and I'm head of English so lots of marking.

Dh and I have both always worked, and TBH in your shoes I wouldn't just accept that he is 'less ambitious' and can therefore stop working if you have children. You may find things work far better for you to do more around the home (which you've already said you will) and for him to consider how he could earn more.

Need - I do live in London, yes!

Vino - the idea about the batch cooking is really good. I do feel really bad. I was feeling bad before, hence why I started this thread, and was prepared to hear IABU. I agree that I am and I will do this.

Trifle and Katie - I wouldn't say there's a culture of bullying, but I would say that our school/academy has very high expectations of the extra work teachers should be putting in. It is noticed if someone leaves everyday at 5 or gets in at 8 rather than 7, for example. I have always been regarded as someone who gets good results and isn't phased by putting in extra work. However, this was before I was married. I would happily work all weekend, while he gamed, and we just had our own bedrooms to look after! Now we are living together, I think I am noticing the toll the work is having, but I am afraid if I say no it will reflect badly.

However, I do agree with those of you who are saying my work sounds like an excuse for not doing anything. I don't want it to be however and I will make sure I do more. And I really appreciate practical ideas like getting a cleaner and making a big batch of food. I just don't think of this stuff...

It's true that being a teacher is a very stressful job and that the OP is working, not sitting around on her arse. BUT it is her responsibility to try to achieve a sensible work life balance. She may have to accept that parts of her job will be done to a less than perfect standard - lesson planning that takes 10 mins, not 30, marking that only covers the basics, emails responded to the next day or only if absolutely essential. Part of learning to do the job is learning to distinguish between necessary work and make-work. And the OP did say in the first post that some of the work needs doing, but some is because of her own ambition to be promoted. It is only fair to continue to do so much work at home if this is encouraged by her partner.

It is noticed if someone leaves everyday at 5 or gets in at 8 rather than 7, for example.

Get a new job. There is absolutely no reason for you to be in work at 7am. 'Noticing' that you aren't doing excessive overtime and using this as a stick to beat you with is a form of bullying.