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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DH does all the housework

283 replies

willowtreeonfire · 13/11/2016 11:31

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

OP posts:
YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 13/11/2016 13:04

What do you mean by messy? It's not your DH's job to pick up after you, he isn't your parent. Yes you work but it doesn't give you right to be lazy at home. And it isn't helping, you live there.

gluteustothemaximus · 13/11/2016 13:08

Sorry, not RTFT but, what did you do when you were single? You would have worked and cleaned up/cooked?

I don't know why it changes when you get married Confused

In our house everything is shared, work, housework, children, money - because they are all ours - not mine or his.

gluteustothemaximus · 13/11/2016 13:08

I thought it might be a reverse too Smile

MistressDeeCee · 13/11/2016 13:10

Oh well if he's going to get disapproving mummy onto you, get a cleaner

I don't know about his mindset tho

SauvignonPlonker · 13/11/2016 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

scrumptiouscrumpets · 13/11/2016 13:12

Yabu
Especially if you're a messy person! Expecting someone to clean up after you really is the pits. Get a cleaner or yes, sacrifice your one day off to help with the cleaning.
What would you do if you weren't married?

Needastrongone · 13/11/2016 13:13

Just chipping in to that my DH works way more than I do. I am happy to do more than my equal share of the general domestic stuff.

However, clearing up after a messy person is very demoralising. I know!! It's selfish on the part of the mess maker and shows a lack of thought for the partner. And that's not fair. No one is expecting miracles, but making an effort to try to be tidy helps.

Also, DH is a high earner. He has always been able to earn far more than I could ever do. It's OUR money. OUR house. OUR assets. Being able to earn more doesn't give him some entitlement to hold this against me. In fact, we have a cleaner, as he would prefer I spend my time enjoying my life. And this breeds no resentment on his part.

Earning more doesn't give entitlement to a greater balance of power in a relationship, a truly equal relationship.

gamerwidow · 13/11/2016 13:19

The person at home the most should do a higher percentage of chores but no one should have to do everything.
At the very least you should pick up after yourself and not create more work for him to do. You're not a child it's not ok to just say 'I'm messy' and not bother with it. I would definitively get a cleaner in once or twice a week if you can afford it too.

OhTheRoses · 13/11/2016 13:19

That's exactly how we have things organised op. Except that my h said at the beginning he wouldn't be doing any housework because he hated it, and was focussing on work and the future but it wasn't fair for me to take on all the housework tedium so always paid for a cleaner for his share - even when I was a SAHM. fortunately he has never thought a bit of bleach would destroy his lungs - that really would have annoyed me

Works for us and has done for 25+ years but he knows I work as hard as him to support him. Might not feel so happy about it if his career hadn't paid off.

happypoobum · 13/11/2016 13:19

Just to add, I have read some of the OPs other posts, and I don't think it is a reverse......................

OhTheRoses · 13/11/2016 13:20

Oh, and he's tidy.

AngryVagina · 13/11/2016 13:20

YABVU, how often do you see SAHMs ask if they should be doing everything? No is the answer. He's working full time, so do you, so do SAHPs, as quoted a million times over - it's your mess too, clean it.

Original poster
willowtreeonfire · 13/11/2016 13:22

I definitely didn't expect this many replies. Sorry for not coming back for a while (I went to Tesco...), but this is not a reverse.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I am prepared to accept IABU and as the overwhelming consesus is that I am, I will change! Some of the replies have been hard to read, but thank you. It is really helpful as when I ask my friends IRL they say the opposite. I accept that it is not fair on him and I will make an effort to do more around the house.

Thank you to those who have suggested a cleaner. I will get one! It seems really obvious, but we just hadn't thought of it. I think it will help a lot.

To answer some of your quesitons - by very very messy I mean I feel I am just rubbish at tidying and cleaning. If I clean the bathroom it takes 3 hours. I know that might sound ridiculous and no I don't know why. I do tidy up after myself (I wash up the cup and spoon etc if I have a coffee), but if I move something, like a candle, I often won't remember to put it back.

In terms of the work situation... I completely agree with those of you who have said I wouldn't have time for a child now. This is one of the reasons we haven't started trying yet. That and we couldn't afford one. I am trying desperately to get us into a situation where we could. I don't enjoy the work I do at home. Actually, it is making me incredibly stressed. It is all stuff that has to be done by the next day or my performance will be seen to be slipping and, not only will I not progress, I could actually get in trouble. I agree, I have NO life at all! I don't like it, but if I didn't do it we would have to move in with one of our parents as we wouldn't be able to afford the house.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied. I have read them all and will take your advice on board. We are newly married, and I know it is better to change my ways now, than it lead to problems so thank you.

OP posts:
woowoowoo · 13/11/2016 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/11/2016 13:25

Yay! One repentant sinner > half a dozen saints.

Coconutty · 13/11/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatdearoctopus · 13/11/2016 13:25

Woowoo You have very little evidence for that, based on the small snapshot the OP has posted here.

Munstermonchgirl · 13/11/2016 13:29

If a couple are genuinely both happy with their particular setup then TBH it isn't really anyone else's business, and it's irrelevant if others think it's unfair, because presumably you DO both feel it's fair

My only word of caution would be you mention the scenario if you have children. Would you really want to be sole earner, out of the house for 12 hours followed by another 2 hours work each evening?

Speaking as an 'experienced' mum of grown up kids, you may find that having children is the point where you want a different balance - perhaps both of you retaining some earning power but neither of you working crazy hours. It's also far more tax efficient to have 2 'decent' earners than one high flier and one non earner.

Totally up to the two of you ultimately. But having completely polarised roles with one earning masses more and the other doing everything in the home (and even planning to give up work) is putting all your eggs in one basket, so keep your mind open to feeling differently in future. I absolutely would not have wanted 14 hour working days once we had kids , and neither would my dh have wanted it - too much of a sacrifice of family time

OhTheRoses · 13/11/2016 13:30

If you don't enjoy your job and it stresses you, you won't be able to do this long term. You need to cut down and your dp needs to do more. You don't sound like a partnership.

I went in with the higher salary and the property etc. DH had better prospects and was driven to succeed because his Jo is his vocation and he loves it, still working 60/70 hour weeks.

Think you both need a long talk about the future and what you both need x

Needastrongone · 13/11/2016 13:30

OP - just another thought. You work insane hours, but can't afford to start a family. DH works insane hours, but is recompensed very generously. If you are working day 70+ hours a week, then are you going to get to the stage where this might be a possibility? It seems unfair on YOU. Smile

Suppermummy02 · 13/11/2016 13:33

If he is not happy with it then your being reasonable. He has to agree that your extra working/money offsets any domestic responsibility.

DandelionAndBedrock · 13/11/2016 13:33

Are you my DP?!

He is possibly the messiest person I know, but is a bit funny about people moving his things. We are trying to balance things out, and have come up with core tasks that he can do, that aren't hugely onerous but make quite a big difference.

  1. Absolutely get a cleaner. Ours was away for a bit and DP was convinced he would be able to pick up her jobs and we wouldn't need her when she got back. Instead we upped her hours.

  2. Are there any work outfits that can be sent out to be cleaned? DP never had time to iron them properly (he did try but still looked like he had slept in them). It's £10 a week or so for his 5 work shirts to be washed and pressed. I value my sanity at £10 a week.

  3. His jobs - he unloads the dishwasher and puts things away when he gets in from work. It's a 5 minute job that he can do whilst making a pot of tea, and makes everything much easier to do. He puts away tumble dried underwear. Effectively jobs that involve loading something dirty into a modern gadget that cleans it are split into two parts - the loading or dirties, and the unloading. I load up when I get in from work, and the washing is finished by the time he gets in.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/11/2016 13:38

Do you think the stress of working so hard is making your health anxiety worse OP? It sounds quite debilitating if you can't manage to clean a bog without a panic attack about your lungs.

haveacupoftea · 13/11/2016 13:40

Of course YABU. But the real issue is your job. It isn't making you happy. Do you need the big house and all the money? There's no shame in downgrading if it releases you from the burden of being over worked and miserable.

Serialweightwatcher · 13/11/2016 13:42

There shouldn't be too much housework if no kids around if you sort out your messiness - it bugs the heck out of me when my kids and DH are rude enough to thrown clothes on the floor, keep doubled up socks doubled when they take them off, just basically don't consider who picks it all up and sorts it all out. You should stop being messy and be more considerate and you should help him for at least half an hour a day - other than that get a cleaner in and let him stop cleaning up your mess