AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

Op if your friends say it's fine either they are lazy buggers who'd love or are in your situation or they are saying what they think you want to hear. I wouldn't be too impressed with friends who can't be honest or don't see unfairness in this situation.

It's great you've taken everything on board and will change. My concern is how much you are working, will that change or will it get worse? You sound really stressed by it.

Sounds very similar to DP and I in terms of relative working hours, house ownership/bills situation, no children. Except I am your DH in the scenario.

I do the cooking every night, and dont expect DP to do that. I do expect him to put the plates and pots in the dishwasher, but that takes minutes.

At the weekend I do the food shopping - it makes sense because I do the cooking so know what I want to make and what we need.

We have a cleaner, which I think makes a massive difference if you can afford one. TBH I was starting to get resentful of doing all the cleaning before, even though I had more free time to do it...

That only leaves laundry really. We do it all at the weekend. I'd say I do 70% of it, but the 30% that DP does is important and I would feel a bit resentful if he left the whole lot to me.

He also does DIY type jobs because he is really good at that and I am not.

In brief: I'd say it would be unreasonable to do 50/50, but 100/0 is unreasonable too. Can you talk to your DH to work out which bits you can realistically take off his hands without losing too much of your little free time?

Glad you see you've taken your unreasonableness on board, OP.

Yes you work long hours, partly by choice, and yes your DH works fewer paid hours, but that shouldn't mean that all your mess is left for him to clear away. What you need to do is to learnt to prioritise your time at home better - and that includes some contribution to the household management.

When you do decide to have children, it will be far more beneficial for them to see an equal team at home, both parents pulling their weight in terms of household management and parenting, than to have one high-flying career bod and one who does all the wifework.

Practise now. Make time available to do some of it. Not necessarily much, obviously he has more free time than you do and so it makes sense that he should probably do more of the jobs (finance should have absolutely no bearing on this, IMO, only time) - but take on something.

DH works flexible hours, I'm a SAHM but we share cooking and washing up duties because it's important for our sons to see that men can and do kitchen work too. It's not "wifework" and shouldn't be seen as such.
I do the rest of the stuff, laundry, cleaning etc. but DH does his own ironing (I don't need to iron stuff, only DH's shirts need doing, so he does them when he needs them).
I would get DH to help with laundry if I could bear it, but I can't - I do get the boys to help though, with hanging laundry, bringing the dirty baskets to the laundry, folding and putting away clean clothes. It's important to train them into knowing that there is no "gender assigned" housework, and if they choose to live alone later, then they need to know how to do this shit.

And yes if your highly paid job is stressing you out then it's ludicrous to continue like this. It will only get harder if you have children and you're working insane hours and not even enjoying it. It's daft to be moving along the lines of your dh doing everything at home now with a view to giving up work if kids come along!

Sounds like you both need a decent work life balance which realistically will involve neither of you working insane hours, neither of you doing every bit of housework and cooking, and paying for childcare so that you can both contribute financially. It seems eminently more sensible than this 'all or nothing' set up you seek to be heading towards

I don't think it's unreasonable that he has the lion's share of domestic work when you contrast the hours you have to work. If you had more "down time" than you do the answer may well be different. He also benefits from your higher salary - it's not if you keep it all to yourself.
But, as you are both working full time:

1. Get a cleaner so all that is left is the day to day cooking, tidying, laundry, wiping down surfaces etc. Outsource whatever else you can afford - ironing service, get shopping delivered etc.
2. You should be responsible for some meals even if it's only a ready meal (the Waitrose ones are excellent) and bagged salad twice a week.
3. Tidy up after yourself, takes seconds and shows respect to your partner.
4. Openly show appreciation to each other for your different contributions to the household/relationship. (On other threads I've seen people say "why should I be grateful?" but grateful does not mean beholden - it means a lot to feel appreciated and it feels absolutely lovely if it's mutual.)

It should be as easy as that. Good luck!

Fair enough, OP, if you're taking all this on board.

To answer some of your quesitons - by very very messy I mean I feel I am just rubbish at tidying and cleaning. If I clean the bathroom it takes 3 hours. I know that might sound ridiculous and no I don't know why. I do tidy up after myself (I wash up the cup and spoon etc if I have a coffee), but if I move something, like a candle, I often won't remember to put it back.

That doesn't sound bad. Are you sure you don't both have different standards about levels of cleanliness and tidying? I wouldn't expect anyone in my home to say anything about a moved candle.

Essentially you're working from 6am till 8-9pm. When are you supposed to find time to clean? If this is all to help you afford a family you both want then you're doing it for both of you. I don't really see how you can fit any cleaning into your week, but maybe you could take on a few jobs on a weekend morning? Or like other said, get a cleaner to come in.

Don't forget op that while you are working very long hours, your DH is also working full time. Just because he doesn't work as much as you he is still holding down a full time job and running a house.

You should try harder not to be messy.

Fair enough that he does lion share, I do the same because I work less, however it really gets my goat when my husband direspects me by automatically assuming that means being his personal slave. Picking up after him, tidying up his dirty plates etc. From what you say you are similar. Get a cleaner if you are comfortable financially, then just start tidying up and maybe one night a week on your day off you cook. If I cook I expect my husband to tidy kitchen after.

Get a cleaner

I think I have given the wrong impression of my job in my OP. I don't earn a large salary by any means and it is not a large house. It is very modest, but we love it. My job means we can afford to own a house and live in it on our own, but we do not have much money left over at all. In fact, up until recently, we were really struggling financially, but I have taken up a promotion at work which has meant a bit more money but a lot more work. If I went back to my previous role, we would likely have to take in a lodger or move in with parents and rent out the house...

However, I understand that that is a seperate issue from the housework and I agree I could do more. I will make sure I cook for him a few times a week, at least, and take on some of the cleaning responsibilities so it is more equal.

I'm also very messy. But when I'm with my partner or parents I manage to be a damn sight tidier! Its about respect.
Also when my partner is over he always cooks. I clean up the kitchen. I hate doing it and when I am on my own I've been known to let it slide. Again its respect and appreciation.

How on earth does it take three hours to clean a bathroom. Just done ours. 9x8. Bath, over shower, basin, bog. Storage cabinet, linen cupboard.

Squirt bath, basin with cif, wipe and polish, wipe taps, tip water out of tooth mug and rinse. Give cabinet, paintwork and airing cupboard doors a onceover with a cloth with a bit of squirt on. Do same to tiles (and it's fully tiled use elephant foot to read). Squirt bleach around loo, wipe down seat, under seat, pedestals and cistern (obvs cistern first). Replenish bog roll. Took 20 inutes. Floor would have ben another 10 but can wait for cleaner.

What on earth takes you three hours! Do you do your work at work so slowly?

You should contribute I agree. I get v v pissef off with DH when he creates extra work. When he unloads the diswasher but for some unfathomable reason leaves at least one item on the side. When he drops his dirty laundry on the floor and not in the basket. When he takes stuff to the dishwasher but leaves it on top. When he makes toast but doesnt wipe down the surface.

You should at the vety minimum be not creating extra housework. Could you take responsibility for certain tasks that are done less frequently - changing the sheets, taking the bins out. And read marie kondo to declutter your home. That makes it much much easier to keep tidy. How would that fit in with your anxiety?

Also, to answer those of you who have mentioned how much down time we each have he has considerably more than me even with the housework. He spends at least 3 hours a day playing computer games/x box. More at the weekend.

Like I said, I give myself one day off a week, but spend the whole day feeling guilty as there is always more work I could be doing.

I do agree this is a problem, but I don't know what else to do as if my work was seen to slip, ultimately I could lose responsibilities and extra pay,, and we wouldn't be able to afford what we do have.

No, I don't do my work so slowly. I am quick at work compared to other people who work with me! I actually get more down time than them as I get it done quicker.

I don't know how it takes me so long. I really don't and I know it is ridiculous. I get really distressed if I notice a piece of dust or fluff is sticking to the floor so have to keep re-cleaning it. Which I also know is ridiculous when the other option I take is to not do it at all which will create more than a tiny speck of dust...

If you lived on your own you would have to do all of your own cooking, housework and laundry. You are being lazy and using your job as an excuse.

What do you do that requires you to work that long hours?

I used to be a fairly messy person.
About a year ago, I made a big effort to change my ways. Things get picked up, put away.
You know what, being tidier has given me more time, not less.
The couple of minutes I spend putting things where they belong saves me 10 minutes frantically searching for a missing item amongst piles of crap

Are you a teacher?

OP - you are working 70 hours a week in a job that doesn't pay well? Something needs to change here. You maybe need to talk to your work. Are you scared of being seen to not be coping?

The 3 hours gaming would piss me off, if I am being really honest. Unless that's his outlet and hobby, sport can be pretty time consuming, if he played rugby or football or supported it I guess.

However, boot on other foot, DH wouldn't give a stuff if I shopped all day. Although, that might be because I never ever do, iyswim?

Anyway, have you tried talking to your DH about how you both feel?

Trifle - yes...

And before anyone asks - I do tidy at work. I put stuff away that I use and things are organised into folders etc. So I know I am probably being lazy at home. Like I said, I have accepted its unreasonable and will make sure I do more at home.

I can see both sides of this. I have experience of being the major bread winner; I also have experience of have most domestic responsibility.

Having a ton of WOH to do is hard, and is not necessarily negotiable. The idea that you can just choose not to do so much is laughable, except not funny, because if your partner believes this, it can add to your stress. Does your P understand how hard you are trying to get your family a better life through working hard? and does he understand that you don't dick about at work, work intensely and in a concentrated way, and that it genuinely takes this long?

However: having WOH to do doesn't excuse behaving as if you have staff. I can see how you can't be pulling the sheets off the bed to wash them at the same time as working - but that doesn't make it ok to just assume someone else is going to do everything. Do you make your bed in the morning? do you put your breakfast cup in the dishwasher? Do you wipe up crumbs after leaving toast? Do you refrain from leaving shoes and socks in the middle of the floor? Do you leave the bathroom in a reasonable state? these things are basic. IMO if you have time to make toast, you have time to clean up; if you have time to shower you have time to sort out the bathroom afterwards. Not doing things like this is absolutely soul destroying for your partner. I'm not saying you have to start filling the mop bucket to deep clean the floors at midnight, just saying: don't leave a trail of basic crap behind you.

Be honest: do you do this?

Teacher here too. I think you have to be prepared to draw a line and have some things not be done. I completely understand that that isn't easy, but not all schools have such unreasonable expectations of staff. Look for another job?

This is so obviously a reverse and the op won't come back.

Why are people wasting their time on this?

bibbity why don't you rtft

The OP has been back