AIBU? DH does all the housework

[willowtreeonfire]

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

Oh and just to clarify- tidying and cleaning are not the same thing, in order to clean, the area needs to be tidy so effectively by being so messy you're increasing his workload further...

If you have health anxiety over cleaning stuff you should consider the dangers of being messy! Dust, mould etc are actually dangerous. Also, why would washing up after dinner leave you working till midnight? It's a 15 minute job!

I had a fairly similar setup when I was working to do my degree - I would literally get in from work, sit down at my computer, DP would bring me supper at my desk, I'd finish around ten and spend a bit of time with DP before going to sleep.

I wasn't messier than DP though, and I did do some stuff. It can be uneven but still feel fair. DP wanted to support me, but didn't want to feel taken for granted.

OP, it sounds like one thing you could do immediately is to do short bursts of tidying during your evening work: e.g.10 minute break and tidy up the mess in the room you're working in. Next break pick a different room. Set a timer. Don't get distracted or do more than short bursts. It shouldn't reduce the amount of work you do, because it's short breaks and getting up and moving around will actually get your brain working better when you sit down again.

Health anxieties can be tricky to work around - can you swap tasks with DP so you avoid things that set you off, but he doesn't feel like you feel it's all his job? And/or as others suggest, get a cleaner to do things like bathrooms etc that require harsh chemicals?

Yes you should give up some of your one day off a week to clean the house. And on that day you should cook for the two of you and clean up afterwards.

I'm a messy person. It takes great effort for me to remember to do things that others find easy. But I still try. Why don't you want to try?

Today what needs doing at home? It would take 20-30 minutes to hoover throughout. Including stairs. Maybe 15 minutes to clean a bathroom (open a window. Inhaling the fumes won't kill you). 4 minutes to empty the bin and do the recycling. 2 minutes to empty a dishwasher. 2 minutes to put on a load of washing. 15-30 minutes to do a basic clean of the kitchen. So what....just over an hour? It hardly destroys your one day off. And I bet all of that doesn't need doing today if he has kept on top of it in the week.

Set yourself a 10 minute timer and really work at it. You'll be amazed what you can get done in 10 minutes

Yeah, the I own our house leapt out at me too.

No you bloody don't, love. It's a marital asset.

You should tidy up after yourself. Do your own washing, wipe the shower after you, put your plates in the dishwasher etc.

Him doing the bigger jobs/cooking sounds fair as it is more logistically sensible as he is there earlier.

You are choosing to prioritise your career, which is great, but he isn't your house elf. You are a grown up, just saying "I'm really really messy" doesn't cut it.

YABU!

Your husband has a day of work. Should he do more housework than you? Yes. Should he do EVERYTHING?
No. and you do have kids then most certainly not.

Doing all the housework and working 8 hours a day is much more than a full time job. It isn't fair that to him at all. Maybe you should start adding up the hours. I think you'd see that he works just as much as you. If not more...

And it isn't enough that he does all the housework you're also messy? And therefore create even more work for him?!!!

And seriously, you think cleaning the toilet is dangerous but make you Really DH do it?!! If you were my DH you wouldn't be on the couch you'd be on the porch.

If your career is so important to you you should pay for a cleaner. And not detract the money from a joint account but for the account for your personal expenses.

Ah slightly. It's all about the timers!

YABVU.

You sound very entitled. Of course you should help him - he is not your servant! Just because he gets home earlier than you doesn't mean he works less hours. He has to make dinner, tidy up your mess and no doubt to all the hoovering, washing and ironing. I think you should take time out of your busy career and put some of it into your marriage. He won't stick around if you treat him like a doormat. I don't like cleaning toilets either but it doesn't mean I don't do it. Saying you don't have the time is a pathetic excuse - do you really come home, eat the meal he has kindly prepared and slope off for the evening while he cleans up after you. How about loading the dishwasher for a start - 5 minutes out of your valuable time/career won't hurt you.

If it pains you too much - pay for a cleaner/cook out of all the money you are earning.

And the his money/my money thing. You are married - shouldn't it be OUR money?

Oops. So many mistakes in my comment.

Oh well. My I guess I was rather angry at your DH's behalf. Your arrangement sounds awful.

Yabu.

Did you live in squalor before he moved in? If not then you can fit cleaning in.

YABU. Whilst it would be fair for your DH to do more housework than you (e.g. cooking and washing up), it sounds as if you are treating him like a servant. He shouldn't have to pick up or tidy your mess I also don't see why you shouldn't do anything at the weekend. If you earn a good salary, why don't you employ a cleaner?

Indeed. Tidying up IME is a pretty dispiriting task if you spend hours at it. But doing ten minute bursts - that doesn't feel like much but really does build up.

Basing housework division on hours available seems fair but you start off about you earning more money, which is irrelevant! Dh earns more money than me but we have equal available time and therefore split housework accordingly.

Seems massively unfair and completely lacking in respect for your partner.

Not only are you not helping out, you're actually creating more work but just thinking "fuck it, he'll clean up after me, the least he can do for the money and house I've given him"

And justifying it with a "I'm just a messy person, lol what am I like?"

YABU just because you work longer hours doesn't mean you get to make mess and not tidy up after yourself. You keep to clean up your own crap and help out with a few things. You don't work 7 days a week do you? There's going to be a day where you can do the bulk of the housework to make up for not doing much if anything during the week.

When both DH and I worked full time, I'd do most the cleaning during the week and looking after the children and he would cook. At the weekend I'd take the kids out and he could get some cleaning done in the kids rooms and the bathroom and then I'd get washing up done and the kitchen cleaned while she spent time with them. The living room was the quickest and could be done as we go. Now he's a Sahd he does more cleaning than I do but I will still do bits here and there and I don't just leave my crap lying around for him.

It's a partnership. Of he looks resentful then you need to sit down and chat about it.

I earn more, work longer hours, an pregnant and still do my half. It's OUR home!

And you'll find you'll be less messy if you have to clean up your own crap

Sounds like he has to do a lot of picking up after you and tiptoe around your messy disorganisation combined with a health anxiety which conveniently exhibits itself as you wanting him to destroy his lungs so that yours can remain intact. After a while, it may become difficult not to suspect that your long working hours are more a result of your personality and less to do with the dictates of your job (i.e. someone else might be able to do your job in considerably less time, with less stress and mess and thus more capacity to help out at home). It is hard not to feel resentful if you feel someone is not pulling their weight at home, telling you it is because their paid work is so important, but apparently not even trying to become more efficient, or to tidy up as they go along, so creating ten times the amount of work for the other person that would be required if they just worked a bit more intelligently/efficiently/whatever you want to call it.

My dp is extremely lucky after reading this thread! Your marriage sounds very unbalanced.

Money can equal power and not just at work, my dp earns tons more than me but still helps out and of a weekend he takes the dc out to let me have a little break, he has a sport he plays and more of a social life than me ( my choice- health related ) so each of us get to enjoy our own thing aswell as having time together as a family.

With the greatest respect, I do not think you should consider dc yet, it requires an awful lot of selflessness and i don't think you would know what hit you.

The posts by myself and various others here may seem harsh op and I'm sorry if that upsets you, totally am genuine about that, but you need to realise that your situation is not the norm and is very unfair to your dh.

If you come back OP, can you tell us what exactly you mean by very very messy? Are we talking a bombsite of a study that only you can decipher and a small pile of crap on your side of the bed? Or are you leaving your skidmarks unattended in the bog, not scraping your own plate and throwing rubbish on the floor of the living room for DH to pick up because you can't be arsed and he should be picking up after you anyway? Basically, is your behaviour obliging DH to choose between picking up after you and living in a shit tip, or is your messiness something that only you have to put up with?

8-4 is a perfectly normal working day. Who earns more is irrelevant here. I echo pps and say get a cleaner. Mine does 3hrs per week over two days and costs £30. Argument solved.

I also find married couples who have separate money very odd.

You're not being very fair, I agree with pps.

But I don't like that your DH brings up the housework issue only when you're with his mum. He is trying to 'gang up on you' with her. Next time it happens, I'd say 'You and I need to talk about this together on our own, DH.'

Yabu. Yes he works less but that doesn't mean he should do ALL of the housework. What has you earning more money and owning the house got to with anything? Why do people think earning more money aboslves them of the menial tasks in life? It's a really arrogant attitude to have. He could sort some washing and have a general tidy before work, prepare and cook tea if he's in first. You should both clean between you. At the least if he cooks every night you should wash up. He definitely shouldn't have to pick up your mess, ever, thats just self entitled twattiness expecting someone to pick up your mess when you're supposedly an adult.

Anyone else wondering if this is a reverse?