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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DH does all the housework

283 replies

willowtreeonfire · 13/11/2016 11:31

My DH and I have been living together for over a year. He is the kindest man I have known (why I married him) and the housework has started to become a source of contention so I want to sort this out before it becomes a big issue in our marriage!

I am the main breadwinner. I earn a lot more than DH and own our house. He does contribute towards bills, mortgage etc (we came up with an agreement that we both felt was fair), but I do pay more. When we go for meals out etc, I normally pay. I am happy with this as, when he does have spare money, he will take me out.

To get this money, Iwork long hours. I'm in work between 6/7 and get home, every day at half 6. I then have to spend at least 2 hours working at home, each night. I do this because a) the work needs to be done otherwise my performance at work would slip and b) I am continually trying to progress in my career so we can be more comfortable and afford to start a family.

By contrast, DH works from 8 - 4, is always home by 5, and doesn't have to do any work at home. He isn't really interested in progressing in his career, which is fine because he always says if we have children he will stay at home with them :)

However, he does the majority of the housework. If I'm honest, he does pretty much everything. He cooks dinner every day and I am very, very messy! I'm not proud of it, but tidying always takes backburner to any work I have to do (and I always have work to do!). If I were to clean or cook dinner in the evenings, it would mean I would have to work until midnight to get everything done (as it is, I go to bed at 10/11 and often still haven't finished). I normally only have one day off at the weekend (if that) and if I do the last thing I want to do is clean...

He always seemed to fine with this, and has said before it is fair because I am working to earn money for us, so he doesn't mind doing the washing etc. However, recently I can tell he is getting resentful. I know this because he keeps bringing it up when we are with his mum ( never on our own!) and then she joins in saying I should help out more with the housework...

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack... I know, I know, it is ridiculous and I am working on that!

So, my AIBU is do you think I should help out more with the housework even if it means sacrificing the one, precious day each week I have where I don't have to do any work? DH, by contrast, does all the housework atm, and still has lots of time to play his xbox...

OP posts:
EllaHen · 13/11/2016 12:24

He works full time and does 100% of housework + pick up after a woman-child? The man is a martyr. Rocky times ahead if your level of entitlement doesn't decrease.

Trifleorbust · 13/11/2016 12:24

But even if you look at leisure time, in this situation you won't see a fair indication of who should be doing what, because the OP is choosing to work more hours in the evening, to progress her career. Thus she is able to ensure that she will always earn more and her DH will always be the default housemaid. It makes me furious when men do this to women so when it's the other way round I react no differently.

Creatureofthenight · 13/11/2016 12:26

Perhaps you should consider joint finances, rather than "my money /his money", then you might feel less entitled.
At least stop being 'messy', I imagine you are only increasing DH's workload.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/11/2016 12:26

The half full coffee cups, the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, the food waste in the wrong bin: we cured each other of it. There was shouting. It was when John Major was PM. Get it sorted, or he might decide that no money is preferable to no respect.

SeeYouTomorrow · 13/11/2016 12:28

We have cleaning staff and we still pick up after ourselves. My husband and I would never treat each other the way you treat your husband. It seems you feel he is beneath you because he does not earn or work as many hours as you. It is so disrespectful. Awful. I would quickly grow to dislike my husband if he had your attitude.

NavyandWhite · 13/11/2016 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 13/11/2016 12:29

You sound like you need training on better time management at work - how come you have to put in so many hours? Sounds like you have no life. Confused

RebelRogue · 13/11/2016 12:29

YABU on the "I'm very messy " front. What pissed me off wasn't that OH wasn't doing household chores(he was barely at home anyways) it was the fact that he just left everything where it was,not maintaining what it was done and thus disrespecting me and my hard work. He's not your maid,if you don't have time or the will to clean the house, at least pick up after yourself!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/11/2016 12:30

I don't blame him for being resentful. You are leaving mess about for him to clear up all the time! Sounds like you are treating him like a servant.

TheFairyCaravan · 13/11/2016 12:31

Completely unreasonable.

A good starting point would be to grow up and start clearing up after yourself at least.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2016 12:31

I think you are being unfair, I am also the main breadwinner , earning double what my husband does, and I've had periods in my career I've worked in the region of 70 plus hours a week, at no stage have I never pulled my weight at home. Ever. Being messy is just lazy and because you can get away with it, it's not an irreversible character trait.

So either get a cleaner or pull your weight at home.its fine he does more, but not it all, it's not a hotel and he is not your maid. It's supposed to be s partnership.

happypoobum · 13/11/2016 12:32

YABU. You should

  1. Stop being so bloody messy.
  2. Start clearing up your own mess.
  3. Pay for a cleaner
  4. Look at your work life balance. You say you are intending to have children, but you clearly won't have any time for them.
RortyCrankle · 13/11/2016 12:33

I think YABVU and coming across as you think you're a bit of a special snowflake because you earn more than your DH. So what would you do if you lived alone? No-one to pick up after you being very messy (nothing to be proud about by the way)? No-one to cook and clean? Whatever you would do in those circumstances you should be doing now - whether that's finding the time to do your share of the cleaning or getting a cleaner.

YouHadMeAtCake · 13/11/2016 12:33

Blonde is right there. You do sound incredibly full of yourself. YABVU and if you continue to belittle him, which is what you do, I can't see him sticking around long at all. Yes you should do housework and of course you should pick up after yourself. Your house, your money , you you you. No wonder he's pissed off.

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2016 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 13/11/2016 12:33

I think it's generally disrespectful that you expect him to clean up after you all the time. Let's be honest you work hard because that's what you enjoy and feel for fulfilled by. If you weren't together or didn't want kids etc you'd still work just as hard. Him doing most of it is fine if that's what he wants but you should definitely do some! Maybe a token job he hates like cleaning the toilet, to show your on the same team.

Zoflorabore · 13/11/2016 12:34

If only dh could carry the baby and give birth then that would make it easier for you, what happens when you " save up " to start a family and are on maternity leave? Who does the housework then?

Sorry but I think you're bloody lazy.

anotheronebitthedust · 13/11/2016 12:34

yes of course YABVU! what would you do if you were single and still worked all hours in your Very Important Job? Would you live in squalor, wear dirty clothes, and never eat? No, of course not, you'd either make time to clean to whatever standard you feel is ok (this might not be to the same standard as your DH but it would still be more than the nothing you currently do) or you would pay to outsource as many tasks as possible (eat out every day, pay for washing and ironing to be done, cleaner to visit) - which would soon eat into your money, and there would still be some things you'd have to do yourself. It's not fair to expect your DH to do it all for free, particularly as he also works full time.

Also the 'I'm messy' half-apologetic head shrug thing isn't cute or self aware - it's rude, uncaring, and embarrassing (for you). It hardly takes any longer to clean up after yourself in most cases. The busiest person in the world can rinse a cup once they've finished drinking from it and put it in the dishwasher, or put clothing in a washing basket rather than on the floor. It is an absolute mimimum of effort that any functioning adult should be able to do.

p.s if you are married you don't own your house solely even if you've paid more towards it or you bought it alone before you got married - if he's been paying towards the bill and mortgage since he moved in he has rights - if he did get fed up of you and wanted to leave he would be entitled to at least part, if not half, of the value of the property.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/11/2016 12:35

" I earn a lot more than DH and own our house."

You own the house? Not you and your husband jointly?

This doesn't sound like a good relationship, from his point of view.

As to you working longer hours and earning a lot more that your husband, if you counted the hours he spends doing your share of all the household duties and if you paid him the going rate for doing your share of all the household duties, I think you might find that actually he works longer hours than you and earns more than you.

If you were writing from a reversed position, posters would already be yelling LTB, so I'll say it. I don't think he should have a family with you. I don't think this is a balanced relationship.

MargaretCavendish · 13/11/2016 12:36

Of course you should do more. Lots and lots of people have to do housework on their 'one precious day off' - it's not some sort of intolerable burden. However, while your general attitude would annoy me if I were your partner, this bit genuinely shocked me:

Oh (and so as not to dripfeed), I also have quite bad health anxiety, so, for example, once I tried to clean the bathroom, but then thought I had inhaled some of the cleaning stuff which would obviously destroy my lungs, and I then had a panic attack...

If you really think the bathroom cleaner is that dangerous, then how can you possibly be letting your partner do it? I'd be so upset if my husband told me that cleaning products were too dangerous for him but fine for me.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/11/2016 12:39

I do 85% of everything, I mean everything. I work far less hours than DP (who has cooked for me a handful if times which is fine with me as their cooking is pretty grim anyway). It works for us, I think it sort of balances out our working hours. I will not let my DP come home to cooking, cleaning, washing etc when I can easily do it in my many free hour at home. I accept it makes me sound like a 50's housewife but hey, I can live with that as DP is the significant earner in our house and I think it's fair as it "allows" me to work less hours and not at all on a Friday. DP works up to 60 hours a week on occasion.

That said, it's disrespectful to your DP if you are doing nothing at all, even just helping out after dinner or taking on one of the main jobs (my DP does the ironing), this should help with resentment.

anotheronebitthedust · 13/11/2016 12:39

also you need to separate the hours working from amount earned.

If you still worked 14 hour days but in a job that was paid far less (i.e. you were a nurse/care assistant/cleaner) and your DH was a banker earning £££ working 9-5 would you still expect him to do all the extra stuff he currently does?

If the answer is no, then it does seem that you think you are contributing more to the relationship because of the money you earn and DH has to 'earn his keep,' by doing enough chores to match your contribution - and surely you can see that that is a model for a business partnership, not a marriage?

HugoBear · 13/11/2016 12:40

OP - maybe commit to working on your tidiness?

Places need to be tidy before you can start cleaning - maybe that's what grinds his gears?

BabooshkaKate · 13/11/2016 12:41

I'm struggling to see what job you do that requires such long hours. How do they manage when you're on holiday? Do you take holiday? Are you a lawyer?

It's not reasonable to work so much imo. Is it just presenteeism? I work with a man who sends e mails at 3 am to signal just how much he's doing. It comes across as disorganised. I think you need to delegate more or sort your time management skills because this is not sustainable. Research has shown that after a certain number of hours the quality of people's work declines so I can't see how much value you're really adding.

Once you sort your work out you could cook say once or twice a week and work on being messy -- which to be honest sounds like an excuse to have someone run around after you, cleaning.

StarOnTheTree · 13/11/2016 12:41

In your DH's situation I would be happy to do the housework and cooking BUT I would be very unhappy with your mess so maybe that's his problem.

On the other hand if you were single you would have to do some housework and cooking so you should be doing some.

If you have children you will need to change your ways because there will 500% more housework to do not to mention looking after the children 24 hours a day. Your DH won't be able to do all this himself and he obviously shouldn't anyway.