To tell my children we can't afford Christmas?

[DNo]

This is hard to post.

My daughter is 9 and my sons are 8 and 3. We are on the brink of bankruptcy due to me leaving my very well paid job to have DC3. I never in a million years dreamed we'd be in this situation.

Our mortgage is one month behind and our two credit cards are maxed due to essential buys - no frivolous spending, just childcare costs and things like school uniform and food shopping. We are not idiots and it's only been the last 3 years we've used credit. I work 30 hours per week but I used to earn 3 times my wage.

We have literally £140 to spend for Christmas as we've been saving £5 a week. There is no way we can get more money as I've sold all our non essentials - we don't even have a microwave as I sold it for £20.

Would you explain to the eldest that Father Christmas chooses to spend more on the younger children and older children get rewarded in other ways during the year? Or tell the truth? They'll still have a wonderful Christmas I promise you! But how do you tell them that some children get more than others?

Not looking for any sympathy, just advice from people who may have been in a similar situation, thank you. X

I'm finding it really hard not to reply to the more forthright posters.

I've asked for advice which I have received in bucket loads but the judgemental posts really don't help. I'm more than we aware that my failings are my failings. Thanks.

£45 for each child. Not loads, but you could get enough. What about using Tesco club card points?

How much space do you have in your house? Your youngest is 3 so keep the free 15 hours and get yourself an aupair for the other hours. This will save you a fortune in childcare, put a couple of your children in together, even if you put the youngest in with you. You'll be able to bring your childcare bills down to about £100 a week and about another £15 or so in the costs of having additional expenses e.g food. It's the childcare that's killing you, £17k net a year on childcare simply isn't feasible on your income.

We have a 3 bed - 2 boys in together and our daughter in the box room.

We are in the south East- we have a niceish house but rentals/downsizing won't be much less for us.

We are comfortably off and I have not spent more than £50 on the kids each for Xmas ever!
It's mad to think that's such a small sum that Xmas should be cancledd. You can get loads for that. If you want the city lawyers income go back to that and dh stay at home. In the meantime £140 for gifts for three kids is ample. The bargain thread is the place to hang out.

Hi, OP.

To add to the good advice re where to spend and where to save, I'd like to recommend you change your outlook re material possessions. Start watching some TED Talks on minimalism. DH and I have re-started watching these and I am feeling all anew we need to really pare down what we have, what the kids have, and how we can live a simpler life. It looks really liberating. I don't know if the older two are too young to watch the clips too, but if not, maybe it will help them manage their expectations, and their outlook in general. Also sell even more of what you have - I am in the process of doing this too. Good luck.

We have a toybank where we live. It's like a foodbank but for Christmas toys. And they're free. Often they're like new. Ask around, you may find there's one near you. It assumed if you're there it's because you need to be. It won't get you an X Box maybe but it should bulk out stockings with fun gifts. Good luck.

NB Chesham Bucks has a toy bank if that's near you...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time op.

I will say I had a few Mums around for coffee this morning and asked what they thought of having £140 to spend on three kids at Xmas and every one of them said they don't and wouldn't spend that much at Christmas on their kids.

I'm not saying someone shouldn't if they can afford it and want to but to be upset at only having that......

I tell my kid that we give Santa money and he buys the gifts, maybe this will help x

I haven't read the whole thread (sorry) but we have always said that FC brings small stocking fillers - large presents are negotiable! This means that we have never bought consoles/ipads etc (and my eldest is 12) because we have been upfront and said we can't afford it - saves a heap of trouble. I agree that the budget you have is tight but definitely not a disaster.

Sorry that came across as me being all snide but I do think that £140 is more than enough.

Thanks. Thinking about it I am coming round to the idea that £140 is doable due to the replies here.

My issue is I've spoiled them in the past. Our budget was always £500. Just a change of mindset is needed this year.

It's so hard whatever you do.

When I was younger we had a couple of Christmas and birthday where I got one 2nd hand toy due to us being utterly skint.

When ds was smaller, we couldn't afford anything at all for his first birthday and Xmas due to dh losing his job. It upset me so so much. It shouldn't have because he didn't even know but I felt like a failure. Fast forward to now and he has way too much stuff. So for his third birthday I've bought him two small toys, he'll get heaps from family. For Xmas I'm considering asking them to cut down on what they buy.

You can't do it right. Or if anyone can, please explain to me how!

I was thinking next year maybe we'd buy things for a family going without and help teach him some materiel empathy that way. Idk.

I indulged (hate the word spoiled) my eldest (youngest too young to notice) in previous years and I think I got it a bit wrong. He's only six so a bit younger than yours and hopefully I have nipped it in the bud early enough. Yours aren't that much older though. We are reining it in this year partly because of finances but as much because we are changing our mindsets on what they need, and how much they really need 'stuff'. I want them to grow up not materialistic, and to feel freer in their surroundings, not swamped with possessions. I do like a wow pile under the tree and will accomplish this with short-term gifts like craft boxes, sticker books, bath treats etc, and stuff they do need like clothes.
Do watch those minimalist TED talks!

Start trawling all the offers! And 2nd hand sites etc. I have found some amazing gems: like brand new board games, a barely used scooter etc. Have had to buy some stuff new but then have almost always found an offer. Focus on gifts that will make Christmas day fun and special (eg games to play together)

Sorry you're getting snippy comments OP.

If you, and your children, have been accustomed to a £500 Xmas pressie budget in the past, then obviously only having a third of that will seem very meagre.

It's all relative. What other people have to spend/choose to spend is neither here, nor there. Your feelings of £140 being not enough are valid for you.

Anyway, glad you have had some really good advice too

Hi. haven't read through all posts but how about Ebay and such like for a start. Books and games are great and reasonable. Good luck. Its not easy these days with kids being so hung up on tech etc.

Try facebook selling sites. I have got some absolute bargins. Just recently i got three sets of Minecraft lego for a tenner. Put out 'wanted' posts too. Charity shops for bioks/puzzles. Poundland, Wilkinson etc... I think give the toddler less. Toddlers are happy with a cardboard box and bubbles. Older kids will need a bit more.

Hi op saw this and thought of you with your youngest. It's £30 from tesco online.

I have a link but it's so long but should easily find it.

op I don't think you would actually use a toybank, from your posts but I have to say if I had made a donation (we only have foodbanks here) l would feel a bit pissed off that someone with a household income of over double ours would receive that donation.

It seems strange that people are advising you to speak to the school, or charities, when you have a very good household income and do have disposable money for gifts (albeit not as much as you would like!). Are people who receive toybank or other charitable efforts assessed in any way? I know for our food bank you have to have a referral.

Like many of us here I always try and make a small donation to our local food bank with my shopping. We earn a lot less than OP but can afford to donate small things like biscuits/drinks and we give a toy to the toy appeal run by our local police. I wouldn't expect however that the toys would actually be given to people much richer than ourselves! I know high income parents doesn't always mean that the DC are prioritised, but the OP does have money for her dc's gifts so it seems odd that people here are encouraging her to apply for charitable donations.

Again, shocking priorities. If you are genuinly nearly bank riot don't spend your day off 'having a mooch round the pound shops" try and access some debt management advice/help and sort your bills, spending and debt out!

Pinkisimo I have no inclination to trawl charity places for toys when there are so many more deserving people.

Yellowdraw I have a telephone appointment with stepchange at 1pm Monday. The morning will allow me to spend £30 on stocking fillers. I don't think that's too harsh.

OP, you need to look seriously at your budget and what you can change, whether you can clear debt by moving or need to go into some kind of debt management. You need a plan before you end up homeless.

And to level with your older kids- Mummy doesn't earn as much as she used to and we're choosing to spend the money on the essential things so there isn't money for lots of presents this year. Consciously change your family's spending culture and expectations to match your income.

Pad out the stockings with chocolate and things you would need to buy anyway- felt pens, new socks and gloves, big pads of drawing paper, undies and new gloves, and buy one small present each. get the kids making things for grandparents etc. Make it fun and have a 'recycled' christmas.

Our earnings just over half of the OPs and we spend more than £140 at Christmas, however they don't get much through the year and we have only a small family so the only other gifts they receive are from my grandparents and my mum. I also buy throughout the year to make it more manageable (usually, haven't been able to this year). I understand the disappointment at not being able to spend what you usually do but they really won't mind, as I said earlier I'm sure they have lots of things already xx