To tell my children we can't afford Christmas?

[DNo]

This is hard to post.

My daughter is 9 and my sons are 8 and 3. We are on the brink of bankruptcy due to me leaving my very well paid job to have DC3. I never in a million years dreamed we'd be in this situation.

Our mortgage is one month behind and our two credit cards are maxed due to essential buys - no frivolous spending, just childcare costs and things like school uniform and food shopping. We are not idiots and it's only been the last 3 years we've used credit. I work 30 hours per week but I used to earn 3 times my wage.

We have literally £140 to spend for Christmas as we've been saving £5 a week. There is no way we can get more money as I've sold all our non essentials - we don't even have a microwave as I sold it for £20.

Would you explain to the eldest that Father Christmas chooses to spend more on the younger children and older children get rewarded in other ways during the year? Or tell the truth? They'll still have a wonderful Christmas I promise you! But how do you tell them that some children get more than others?

Not looking for any sympathy, just advice from people who may have been in a similar situation, thank you. X

[DanaBarrett]

Hello. I haven't RTFT but I wanted to say that when I was much younger my mum and dad split. We were literally penniless. We made made Christmas tree decorations out of cereal boxes and cotton wool.

I don't remember what presents we got. I do remember how much fun we had and how much love there was in our home that year. It was the best Christmas ever.

So give your kids a hug and a kiss. Put out a carrot and a mince pie. Wrap them a few special presents, they don't have to be new or expensive. Get a board game or a pack of cards and spend the day together xxx

[dazzlingdeborahrose]

Hi OP, just wanted to say that Sainsbury have the hardback David Williams book (toms midnight gang) for a fiver and sets of play dough 2 for £7. Lots of small toys for £3 and some nice toiletry sets for the £5/6 mark too. Don't know if it helps but thought I'd mention it.

[Zeusette]

Hi OP the kindles are on Amazon warehouse deals for just under £30

[anklebitersmum]

DNo Your children will understand the concept, if explained in advance and with thought, that money is tight right now and that while bills have to come first you'll be doing your best for Christmas.

If I had a £ for every time I've had to say
"Sorry biters, if I had the money of course we would buy X or you could do Y but we just can't afford it"
I wouldn't have to say no in the future. I think you are under-estimating your biters, they will understand priorities if you explain them.

Have a chat with yours, trust them with the diluted truth ahead of time.

[Moonshine86]

A few DVDs still in packaging?

Pre used DS games?

[Moonshine86]

I have a few bits I could send you?

I have a Spider-Man Lego set unused boxed still in packaging?

[Cococrumble]

Not sure if it's still on but if you have sky, go into the movies page and "buy" ice age the meltdown. The price is zero and you get a copy on your sky box aswell as a hard copy in the post. Nice free filler present!

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

Hey OP. I was in a similar position as yourself as could only work Part time post- children as the £££ for childcare was impossible. (Not to mention that the childcare couldn't cover my hours)

What you're experiencing is relative poverty, which-while it gives you some options and workarounds that actual poverty doesn't- is still really unpleasant and stressful.

A lot of people who have perhaps not 'had it as good' will of course question your finances etc but I just wanted to offer a vote of support as there's not as much boots on the ground support for those in your circumstances (with good reason Im sure you'd agree as there are those who have it far worse.)

There is some great tips on here, I'd hope that you and DH's families would be inclined to help out too. I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and that things get better for you soon.

[mathanxiety]

I have a concern about the very strong association between being 'good' and getting presents, and I think the DCs are old enough to be developing more of an internalised motivation for considerate behaviour. This is as opposed to ticking off a set of boxes and getting a reward.

I have a suspicion that they do not pause in mid-April from fighting like cats and dogs to ponder the effect a hullaballoo will have on the size of their Christmas haul, but you have mentioned this aspect of the children's expectations several times now, and I urge you to start knocking the 'good' = presents equation on the head as soon as possible.

It seems to have caused you a major headache this year, but more to the point, it is not healthy in terms of their development towards mature decision making and self discipline. Externalising rewards is not healthy in the long run.

[CustardShoes]

I was brought up that way. Never a problem about the "magic"! And it was lovely to know that my parents had thought about a gift especially for me.

Note that a gift. I was given a very rich and full of experiences childhood but it wasn't a materialistic one.

[LineyReborn]

My myth was always that Santa fills up their Chistmas stockings but mummy buys the wrapped presents under the tree.

Seemed to work.

They got the 'magic', but didn't expect the world.

[randomer]

so the new myth is mum buys presents, sends them to Santa, who then delivers them?

[sj257]

OP don't tell them Santa isn't real as others have suggested. Tell them you have to send money or the presents to him, then explain money is tighter this year.

[randomer]

its horrible.. be "good " for a whole year ( whatever good is) and a man in a red coat will bring you piles of stuff.

Meanwhile people are sleeping on cardboard or in ditches.

[MakingMyWayThroughTown]

Christmas on a tight budget is tough but very doable. Try some of the bargain websites. If your kids are into crafts try a website like Baker Ross who have great sales. Home made gifts are lovely too, little jugs with home made hot chocolate mixes in - uses what you have in the cupboard and is great for bulking up their presents. I agree with a lot of the other posters, spend that little bit more on the older children, the youngest is far less likely to notice. Places like B&M, Home Bargains and poundland are great for gifts on a budget. I'm on a tight budget this year so I'm watching the sales like a hawk! AshleighMoneySaver on facebook is a great page to follow too for some bargains!
I hope you get sorted

[tellyjots]

Op- ignore the judgy people. Your finances, parenting ethos and morals are none of their business.

You will manage to get a decent amount for £140. We tell our eldest that we send santa the money so she can't have endless amounts of stuff. Would that work for you?

I hope you sort things out and have a merry Christmas when it comes

[donajimena]

I'm really pleased to see that you have an appointment with Stepchange. This could be the answer to your prayers.

[CustardShoes]

You still aren't getting it. You're worried about not buying enough, and not being a 'good enough' mummy, when you should be focused on teaching your children that they shouldn't expect lots of presents.

THIS!!!!!

[CustardShoes]

my older two expect one big present and 7-8 small ones due to previous years. I've bought them a bike, or an ipod. It's not really extravagant

I was brought up in a large family. We were very well off in some ways (house, land, ponies) but with very little cash (my mother made all our clothes, we never had shop-bought cake or processed food, and just school shoes, winter shoes, and sandals each year). When you say your children "expect" it makes me just shudder a bit.

I think you underestimate & judge your children - perhaps you judge them by your own rather shocking materialism? You seem to be judging your children by your own materialistic standards. You seem to be thinking you will express your love by how much you can buy and the status of those presents (I also find this "presents from Santa" rather naff: try stockings from Father Christmas, presents from family, ffs.)

But you know, if you've brought them up to expect that love is expressed by the cost of the presents you give them, well, reap as you sow ...

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

Ooops not your last post, skipped some pages & didn't get to the end for some reason

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

£140 is a decent amount, I too would spend less on the youngest as they are less aware at that age.
What I would say though is that your last post sounds pretty shit really, I get that you're not in a good place but there is nothing wrong with working in a fucking corner shop & in a bar, plenty of people do it law degree or not-you make it sound like it's beneath you when clearly it isn't

[LIZS]

The hard truth is that you can afford Christmas , just not the one you romanticise about. And you haven't really been able to afford such for several years , hence the accruing debt. Downscale expectations and become more imaginative. Lidl have wooden toys this week which would be good for your youngest.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I think if the older ones expect tech, then that's what you should get.

As loads of PP have said, you can get a Kindle Fire for around £35 and you could get lucky on Black Friday.

The younger one is easy to buy "big" for on a small budget.

The 7-8 small presents can be done really easily!

This thread has been a real eye-opener for me. I won't post what I spend because it will probably derail. And I do think people in the UK tend to spend less/pretend about Santa less than people here...

But suffice to say your budget wouldn't be anywhere near what I spend on even one child so I completely understand how it would be a shock to the system.

It might be loads (and it's enough to give them a lovely Christmas) but it's so far removed from what you're used to, so you panicked. That's understandable.

[KC225]

I replied earlier with present suggestions only. Kindles/nerf gun/bow, minions space hopper for the little one etc.

I have read your updates and I think you have been treated a bit harshly. I do know how easy it is to rack up credit card debt on non luxuries. The catalytic convertor was cut out of our car one night (apparently it is very common according to the Police) and this wasn't covered by the insurance as theft means theft of the whole vehicle. It cost hundreds to fix my DH was a teacher at the other end I'd the county and couldn't get there by public transport. Our boiler broke unexpectedly. We had it fixed three times but eventually had to be replaced that costs thousands. It's these unexpected bills that cripple everyove financially. However, you have been given some good advice. Contact the debt agencies and try and get the credit card payments reduced even if temporarily. They would rather have reduced payments than have nothing. You are just going through a tough time at the moment, like millions of others but as you have said it will be easier once your little one is in school.

Another thing, it's ok to manage your children's expectations. You are not under obligation to provide them with everything. Say to the older ones we don't have a lot of money this year so you will be getting some presents but maybe not as much as last year. They will understand, children are more empathetic than we give them credit for. The little one will be delighted with his wooden train set. The older one with his kindle. You will have a great Christmas OP so will your family.