To tell my children we can't afford Christmas?

[DNo]

This is hard to post.

My daughter is 9 and my sons are 8 and 3. We are on the brink of bankruptcy due to me leaving my very well paid job to have DC3. I never in a million years dreamed we'd be in this situation.

Our mortgage is one month behind and our two credit cards are maxed due to essential buys - no frivolous spending, just childcare costs and things like school uniform and food shopping. We are not idiots and it's only been the last 3 years we've used credit. I work 30 hours per week but I used to earn 3 times my wage.

We have literally £140 to spend for Christmas as we've been saving £5 a week. There is no way we can get more money as I've sold all our non essentials - we don't even have a microwave as I sold it for £20.

Would you explain to the eldest that Father Christmas chooses to spend more on the younger children and older children get rewarded in other ways during the year? Or tell the truth? They'll still have a wonderful Christmas I promise you! But how do you tell them that some children get more than others?

Not looking for any sympathy, just advice from people who may have been in a similar situation, thank you. X

Oh God no perditalost. I couldn't and wouldn't do that. Thanks anyway. X

Why not? You can also actually call the salvation army or toy appeal charities yourself.

I did the same for years as a skint single mum, best be honest and just tell it like it is but be confident, make sure it is not miserable, make it fun by spending lots of time with them making things and creating special memories. Maybe a theme like wartime and research it all at the library, read stories from that time, do carol singing, find a lovely branch or tree in the country and decorate it together.
Memories are more special than gifts, find a really lovely church with a big christmas tree in it and go their for a carol service. Teach them the real meaning of christmas.

Oh and as well as stockings one or two bigger presents maybe a bike (need not be new could be second hand, who would know if cleaned up and oiled? Check local ads for things like that. With presents from other family if all adds up anyway and looks like more.

I think telling then 'we can't afford Christmas' would be tough on children and spoil the time / day for them to be honest..

I hope the Salvation Army don't give gifts to families where the joint income is £40k or a lot of people will stop donating to them.

I don't know of any schools that arrange for Xmas gifts bar token gifts from a class teacher to all children.

With decent debt advice the OP could keep her internet. I wouldn't get rid of it unless I was absolutely desperate. The OP is working and so is her OH.
If they get a plan and stop living as if they were both earning ££££ they can get back on track.

Only you know what you are spending the money not going on credit cards and mortgage OP. You have to be honest with yourself.

You have said several times that you are 'doing everything' you can to sort yourself out. You aren't. You haven't taken the first step yet, seeing a debt advisor.

Its not easy to work from home, baby sit for cash etc and selling off bits and pieces will be drop in the ocean.

Write down everything you are spending.
Write down everything you have coming in. Including CB.

Contact Step Change asap.

If you have managed to get to the brink of bankruptcy in three years you could well be homeless by this time next year.

A frugal Christmas is just a distraction from what you need to be doing.

I hope you get it sorted.

I grew up with parents who refused to live within their means. It was a nightmare. Bailiffs and nasty phonecalls, utilities being cut off, having to pretend to be out.
All the while the cupboards were full of expensive food and DF and DM refused to give up their little 'treats' because they had earned them.

Your kids need stability and to feel secure. Not gadgets.

£140 is plenty to spend on the kids - I disagree with the view that buying loads of tat from Poundland is the way forward though. You can get something decent for £30 per child and then make a £10 stocking each. Then buy a joint pressie with the last £20 maybe a family board game/DVD for you all to watch together.
We only spend about that on ours & they don't expect to get a big present. They do however get lots of family pressies from Grandparents/Aunts & Uncles/friends of the family.
I have't read the full thread but you can get good stocking fillers at the Book People, you could make some sweet cones, do offers like personalised Nutella jar, stuff they need like socks etc..
On here there are always people who say they spend about £500 per kid - which is great for them - but it doesn't always mean they are having more fun.

Teach them the real meaning of christmas.

I agree. I know a mum who was always brought to help at the homeless Christmas lunch as a child and tight that was what it was about. Think that's a nice idea.

I'd have thought Salvation Army is more for people with no budget for presents rather than the budget stated, which is what other people have every year and consider normal!

I apply for grants for families.
Most organisations have a financial criteria unless they working with families/children with very specific needs e.g. life limiting conditions.

A family with an income like the OP's wouldn't meet the financial criteria of any of the organisations I would apply to for children's presents.

I think this thread is tricky for people w £10 or so to spend per kid for Christmas.

I had a big row w my best friend as he kept going on about how hard up his family was, which I thought was insensitive as they were living on twice what I had. I still have no idea what the fuck they were spending on. One thing I know is that my car is 25 years old & cost £1500. His is brand spanking new & he's very proud of it, yet moans his kids have never been on a plane, can't buy the kids a cat from the cat shelter. Annoys the heck out of me.

£140 is plenty. I've said it before but I'll say it again: the idea that kids need a shedload of electronics is a new idea. I know I'm going to sound all "when I were a lass we were given a damp rag for Christmas - if we were lucky!", but seriously, I just don't think kids are as greedy as some people think. If they are that greedy, look to your family values.

Sorry if it's rude, but I'm getting grumpy about people and their mad consumerism.

name your childhood sounds very similar to one of my school friends. Money ran through her parent's hands like water. We were at private school but her parents were always months behind with the fees.

Her parents were obsessed with 'keeping up appearances' I think? I can remember being at her house and 2 blokes coming to tow her Dad's car away. She cried because she was so embarrassed. Yet, like you say, they had bottles of expensive wine in the fridge and her Mum still went to the poshest hair salon in town.

My friend suffered terribly with anxiety as a result.

I don't know of any schools that arrange for Xmas gifts bar token gifts from a class teacher to all children.

Good. You shouldn't know as it is not a public thing. Schools refer needy families to charities every year (as do a range of other front line services that work with children). Here we have a homeless charity (who at Christmas collect gifts for families who are not homeless-they specifically seem to target children living with grandparents), Salvation Army, council run a central present giving/receiving, then the local toy collection.

There are a lot of charities that support children at Christmas. Some have so many donations that they don't use them all and they also provide birthday gifts on request later in the year.

We have a few families who lurch from Orlando/turkey to no food and no money during a typical year.

I think you are getting a hard time on here - although I have posted to say I think £140 is plenty for gifts, the amount you're living off is not a huge amount for a family of 5. I don't imagine there is much spare cash. We had 5 or so years on less than that, and have come out the other side now. We are not rich at all (and can't afford any more on gifts than you) but can have an occasional treat. I wouldn't even mention to the kids that they aren't getting much. Also it's easy for people to say you should go back to work more hours, but you need to do what is best for the kids. Being in childcare the whole time might not be the best fit for your kids. Things should get better once the littlest starts school.

MaQueen they were never huge earners but they always worked so we should have been comfortably off.
I have been anxious about money for as long as I can remember.
My OH grew up in actual poverty but always felt safe. He was never burdened with his parent's money worries.
I am almost 50 and have never had a credit card. I only ever took out one loan, about 20 years ago, for £300. I was so incensed by having to pay interest I never did it again.

I understand that a level of debt is pretty normal now days. I just cannot live with it myself.

It terrifies me.

I would prefer to go for one or two presents, my suggestions would be. Kindles on the black Friday for 35.00 for the eldest two if they don't already have them. My 9 year old twins have them and they can download hundreds of free games. Watch stuff on you tube take photos, do videos but you can add child settings. HOME bargains has nerf rebelle bow set for 8 quid for the girl and nerf stormblaster 10.00 for the older boy. That is just under 90 quid with delivery. 10.00 each on a stocking as other have said DVD's from poundland, keyrings, mirrors, torches from Tiger. For the little one a Minions Space hopper from home bargains 3.99. Scooter 12.00 amazon. character toy 6.00. 8.00 on a stocking. Pretty decent presents OP with decent stockings.

Earlier in the thread you mentioned you didn't earn enough for an Iva. Then you said your partner earns 34k and £600 per month gives yourself about 7k. That's not a bad income, now you said you haven't had debt advice. Few mixed messages on the thread which is why people may have been sceptical.
I would speak to step change and sort out the mortgage arrears asap. Non essential debt can be put on debt management plans. You said one bill was with a debt management company, step change can work out what you can pay all your creditors and set up repayment plans.
I wouldn't mention anything about Xmas to the children. £140 is plenty, you can get things cheap on eBay like the mermaid blankets all the kids love and some cheap things from pound shop. If they ask for electronics I would say unfortunately santa doesn't have enough money for that this year as he has lots of children to buy for, I doubt they will question their presents. Kids just love opening presents and the christmassy feeling. Primark has lots of stocking fillers under a fiver. Black friday and cyber Monday are coming too. There's a bargains thread in the Christmas section, I think someone found a huuuuge unicorn teddy for about £25 at one point and there's lots of links at the top of the thread for stocking fillers.

Also our school doesn't go back until 2nd week of January so Xmas will probably long forgotten by then, doubt the kids will still be comparing presents that far after Xmas

Best Christmas present I ever bought my two was a cardboard playhouse from Home Bargains that they had to colour in. It cost £5.
It wasn't meant to be a main present but because it was so big it felt like a main present to them. They spent DAYS colouring it I and sitting inside in the dark for no reason except it was cosy and Christmassy. I actually begrudge the £5 it cost because I could have made one from free boxes from the supermarket if I'd marked out the bricks, doors etc with a marker pen. Christmas isn't about money. It isn't about what their friends have. It's about the magic of Father Christmas knowing what they have asked for (not necessarily the main or most expensive present)and fun family times.

£140 for three kids is actually quite a lot!!!
we are spending less than that on four!!! (Due to lots of debt dealing with abusive ExH). I have been scouring second hand selling sites, and charity shops etc. And have always set my kids expectations low in terms of Santa - he brings stockings and one small gift due to limited space in his sleigh! Any other presents come from parents /relatives.
I would love to shower mine in gifts but I can't, so am being resourceful.

...and get out of the habit of spending the same on each. They won't worry about the financial value for years yet unless you point it out to them.
One year my eldest asked for a sledge. I got a lovely one on-line, with brakes and steering, for £7.99. It was her main present because it was what she asked for from Father Christmas. It was a while ago and the price isn't relevant really except that sledge wouldn't cost more than £15 now and would give as much joy as it gave her that day. Magic doesn't have to be expensive. (I cannot deny that the unexpected snow on boxing day that year helped). That year her younger sibling had slightly more spent on them but it wasn't as big so no one noticed.

OP unless I've missed it you still haven't explained properly why you're in this mess. You and DH earn plenty and your mortgage isn't that big. A bit of background would help.

You also don't seem to have answered the questions about whether there are GP or other friends/relatives who will be buying presents.

On the gift front for a 3-year-old, this dolls house from Asda costs £20. My DD has one and it's lovely quality. Comes with dolls and furniture. You could wrap them up separately so there are lots of things to open. Spend an extra fiver at the pound shop or a discount bookshop and she should be delighted.

name my friend was different then, in that her parents had been wealthy (hence her being at private school) but then her Dad's building business folded. But I think her parents refused to accept what had happened, and were in some weird denial trap?

Sorry I now see your 3yo is a boy but present still stands (paint the root another colour if he doesn't like pink)

Wow! £40k £800 mortgage and pleading poverty?!!!!!

I'm out