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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in the ladies loos AIBU?

332 replies

HairsprayBabe · 08/11/2016 16:34

First apologies for typos or spelling errors I am on my phone.

I am currently at an even where 95% of the attendees are men. I just went to the ladies and saw a man coming out of the cubicle. I told him politely he should not have been in there. His response was "Fuck of love".

I am annoyed he was in the ladies in the first place but raging he felt he could speak to me like that! AIBU to think that men shouldn't go into the ladies loos?!

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 18:21

1stly it hardly ever happens. Rape in a toilet in a busy place? If he was filming, he wouldnt choose to go put the spyhole there when it is busy

How do you tell if the man in the toilets is a rapist - do they wear a wee "rapist" badge.

2ndly, not all men are like that. Women do stuff bad too, it isnt just a man thing.

The vast majority of violent / sexual assaults are carried about by males. It is a mostly man thing.

3rdly, it is double standards, women often use mens, so it should go both ways

See my reply to point 3.

StealthPolarBear · 08/11/2016 18:27

Oh god yes women do it too. That's why it's called peeping Tamsin.

steff13 · 08/11/2016 18:30

Was he the only one in the loo? Could he have been leaving someone in the cubicle?

Scandalous! Yeah, if I were ever to never in a million years hook up with someone in a public restroom, I'd choose the ladies' rather than the men's.

I'm of two minds here. On the one hand, I don't want men in the ladies' room. On the other, though, that's the way the world is going, isn't it? We're supposed to accept that someone is whatever gender they feel they are, regardless of their gender at birth. I wouldn't have even questioned him, because of that, even if it made me uncomfortable.

Most men's rooms here have multiple urinals and one or two stalls. Some even have a "trough" that the men just line up at, with no privacy at all. I think in that case a man has more reason to object to a woman using the men's room than vice versa.

alizondevice · 08/11/2016 18:30

YANBU, OP. I think most women would have found that very unpleasant and intimidating.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 08/11/2016 18:30

Thank you ItsAll it is hard to articulate why it would make some women feel uncomfortable and you have summed it up really well there.
It is a female space and should be treated as such IMO and even if men using it only makes 1% of women uncomfortable that should be supported and respected.

OP posts:
IhatchedaSnorlax · 08/11/2016 18:31

YANBU Op - I totally understand how you feel & he was completely out of order both in using the ladies toilets in the first instance & then doubly so in being rude to you.

I'd complain privately to the event organisers about him / the issue & also to his company if you feel confident enough to do so.

RichardBucket · 08/11/2016 18:33

I think in that case a man has more reason to object to a woman using the men's room than vice versa.

No, because a woman is much less threat to a man than a man is to a woman. Especially with sexual crimes.

slightlyglitterbrained · 08/11/2016 18:33

I think Rude Bloke forfeited his "right" not to have his boss emailed when he was aggressive and threatening to a lone woman in an enclosed space. Oh wait - while representing his company at an industry event!

Poor diddums has had ample opportunity to find OP and say "shit, sorry about earlier, hope it hasn't spoiled event for you". He hasn't.

If I was his boss, damn right I'd want to hear about this!

OP, in my industry many events like this have a code of conduct. They explain how you can contact the organisers if another delegate does something like this. You are not wrong to decide to act. Hope you enjoy the rest of conference.

Peaceandconnection · 08/11/2016 18:39

"Personally I have no issue with unisex toilets as long as cubicles have floor to ceiling doors and walls, and as long as they open out into a corridor, rather than an enclosed room with a door."
Totally agree. I once went to the loo at Mc Donalds when I was maybe 17 or 18 years and noticed that a man was staring at me from over the next cubicle. Since then I always check all cubicles when I go to the ladies to make sure there is no pervert in waiting.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 08/11/2016 18:41

It is a two day conference so I am going to mention to the reception staff that there was a very rude man in the ladies loos.
Conference dinner tonight, can't wait for more sexist and innaproprate jokes I have to sit through!

OP posts:
Yoksha · 08/11/2016 18:41

I've experienced 2 incidents this last 6mnths of boorish rude men.

One accused me in a shop of trying to run him out of the way with a shopping trolley. I was travelling at a snail's pace supporting a garden chair with one hand. When I burst out laughing in disbelief and said " are you being serious"? He told me in front of several people to " shut my big mouth ".

The other was last week with a neighbour & his wife. A lad had came off his bike after trying to bounce off our garden walls at high speed. I was concerned, but also annoyed at the possible damage. I voiced my concerns along with caring for his safety and this neighbour said " It's got nothing to do with you, just get back inside your house ". My jaw hit the ground at his attitude. HIs wife looked frightened. Given the fact that the bike was in my driveway made it my business. Two fuckin' arsehole twats.

Hope you okay OP? I honestly don't know how to respond to these type of men.

ProudAS · 08/11/2016 18:45

Some women would feel very threatened by a man in the ladies especially if they are changing their sanpro. Even if most ladies would be OK it only takes one who isn't.

If there is no alternative he could ask a woman to check that there is nobody in there or that they don't mind and then stand outside to warn any unsuspecting females.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 08/11/2016 18:45

Thanks Yoksha I was crap really just stood there gobamacked as he barged out of the loos.

Should have used the old MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude" tinkly laugh

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 08/11/2016 18:53

YANBU

I was in a hotel bar in Dublin once, I was only 18yrs old. There was a very odd man who kept staring at me from behind his pint glass, it was honestly like he thought I wouldn't see him do it if he held his glass in front of his face!! Anyway, I needed the toilet and had an inkling he might try and follow me so asked my male friend (just a friend) to keep an eye out that he didn't follow me. Said friend was drunker than I realised and didn't keep watch, but luckily the bar man who I'd been flirting with did keep an eye having noted him previously staring at me.
I left my cubicle to be confronted by said man, just as I'd clocked him Bar Man burst through the door and kicked him out - I dread to think what would have happened if he hadn't.

SemiNormal · 08/11/2016 18:54

Also, I don't poo in public loos, but if I did, and there was a man next to me .... IDK I'd feel extremely uncomfortable about it, same as if I had to change a tampon with a man just inches away separated by a flimsy door with openings top and bottom.

WLF46 · 08/11/2016 18:56

Just make a complaint to whoever is running the event and let them deal with it. It sounds like he was being a dick more than anything, but by pointing it out to him you had to expect a negative reaction. It's not as if he was being threatening.

And to be fair, when desperate to "go" sometimes women go into mens' toilets too! And I've heard they don't always conduct themselves in a "ladylike" manner, just as this man wasn't exactly a "gentleman".

M0stlyHet · 08/11/2016 18:58

Actually I think he was being threatening - swearing at a woman and acting aggressively after she's challenged him for being in a women's only space. That's threatening as hell in my books.

SpeakNoWords · 08/11/2016 19:02

Why would you have to expect a negative reaction? Isn't it reasonable to expect a "sorry" or similar? "Fuck off love" is pretty hostile and aggressive. Should we always expect men to be hostile and aggressive?

SemiNormal · 08/11/2016 19:03

but by pointing it out to him you had to expect a negative reaction. Why??! That's absurd!

Pluto30 · 08/11/2016 19:07

Couldn't give a shit less.

We have unisex toilets at work. I use them all the time. No problem.

He may have walked into the wrong bathroom by accident anyway. How are you to know?

witsender · 08/11/2016 19:10

Yanbu OP. Amazed at some responses here.

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2016 19:14

We have unisex toilets at work. I use them all the time. No problem.

Unisex toilets are different though-you're expecting to see men there. You don't expect to see a man when you're in the ladies.

After I was assaulted, I occasionally would feel panicky and the ladies was a good place to go because there were guaranteed to be no men there. I don't think men should go into places that are supposed to be women only. YANBU OP.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/11/2016 19:14

Although I have no issue with unisex loos/bathrooms, I fully accept that many people do.

It's depressing reading, though - the portrayal of men on this thread is incredible.

I'm amazed we as a society allow men out in public without a chaperone and on a leash, reading this.

Reading this, the perception of men as a group is that they're base animals, with no control over themselves at all.

SpeakNoWords · 08/11/2016 19:18

Unisex loos are great, as long as they are designed properly as individual cubicles with floor to ceiling doors which open out onto a corridor or other public space rather than an enclosed room. A school I used to work in changed all their toilets to be like this and I found it worked well.

Just allowing men into women's toilets is not acceptable, and this man should not have been hostile and aggressive when challenged. The OP is right to take the issue further and complain where she feels she can.

Toffeelatteplease · 08/11/2016 19:20

You sound lovely Toffee.hmm Manners cost nowt you know.

Tell that to people who feel they have a right to police gender in toilets.

I could explain myself (and in the process embarrass DS ) explain that actually at 10 he might not clean himself up reliably, or dress himself. Then get into a discussion about how he doesn't look sn.

Or I might if tell you to fuck off because it cuts you off quicker and I don't have to deal with unpleasantness. And frankly why should I have to.

He, assuming he is a he, may have damn good reason to be there. But be sick of having to apologise and explain themselves for the hundreth time.

But we'll never know.