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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in the ladies loos AIBU?

332 replies

HairsprayBabe · 08/11/2016 16:34

First apologies for typos or spelling errors I am on my phone.

I am currently at an even where 95% of the attendees are men. I just went to the ladies and saw a man coming out of the cubicle. I told him politely he should not have been in there. His response was "Fuck of love".

I am annoyed he was in the ladies in the first place but raging he felt he could speak to me like that! AIBU to think that men shouldn't go into the ladies loos?!

OP posts:
RoseGoldHippie · 08/11/2016 23:19

I'm not arguing that men should be allowed in women's toilets

So you agree that toilets should be segregated by sex?

Yes as I said ages ago? I don't think unisex toilets are a good idea. This is totally different as we are talking very rare one off occasions when a man has nipped into the ladies - long queues, out of order cubicles etc

venusinscorpio · 08/11/2016 23:22

Yes of course I think that toilets should be segregated by sex. What on earth do you think all my posts were about?

My point is that it's very dismissive of other women's feelings to say men can use the women's toilets and women can't challenge them.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/11/2016 23:23

If I see a man in the ladies loos I see a man who has already overstepped one boundary. My spidey senses are going to be tingling. I'm automatically going to be on guard. Surely that's just a natural reaction?

And I'm not some man hater who thinks all men are potential rapists. But I'm a realist who knows that a minority of men are predatory.

Piglet208 · 08/11/2016 23:23

I think the Op's original question has been derailed. She came across a man in the ladies toilet. She expressed surprise which seems justifiable since he appeared to be a man in a ladies toilet. Rather than say sorry, or explain or even shrug or laugh it off, he swore at her and patronised her by calling her love. I don't think it would be advisable to confront him as he has already spoken aggressively. As it is a professional event I think it is reasonable to let his company know about his behaviour.

RoseGoldHippie · 08/11/2016 23:25

Venus I wasn't questioning you thinking toilets should be sex segregated - I quoted and forgot to use *

venusinscorpio · 08/11/2016 23:27

Yes it is a natural reaction, and as women, we are constantly told not to put ourselves in danger and if we do it's our fault if something bad happens. So some posters want women to ignore their instincts. Invading women's boundaries is a red flag.

midsomermurderess · 08/11/2016 23:38

Regards a reply up thread, I have never seen a long queue for men's toilets.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 09/11/2016 00:16

I think the Op's original question has been derailed. She came across a man in the ladies toilet. She expressed surprise which seems justifiable since he appeared to be a man in a ladies toilet. Rather than say sorry, or explain or even shrug or laugh it off, he swore at her and patronised her by calling her love. I don't think it would be advisable to confront him as he has already spoken aggressively. As it is a professional event I think it is reasonable to let his company know about his behaviour

Yes , absolutely. Ridiculous to think OP should tackle him further on this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2016 00:58

Some people will twist themselves in knots justifying a mans right to do whatever the hell they like. Go into the women's toilet and tell a woman to fuck off? Surely there's a reason... other than he's a massive shithead.

Italiangreyhound · 09/11/2016 03:34

I really hope we never have unisex loos. I think they are very unsafe. I don't want to be in a confined space with strange men. The fact there is a cubicle with a door and bloody big gap under it and shared washing space would be awful.

if they want to make real unisex individual toilets like disability access loos, fine.

HairsprayBabe he should not have been in there and he should not have spoken to you like that.

TinklyLittleLaugh I love what you suggested.

TheMaddHugger · 09/11/2016 04:41

Toffeelatteplease
I'm sure an elderly man can manage to get himself to an appropriate toilet - appropriate for adult men, that is.

True story and no he couldn't at the time.

Toffee I need disabled loos and have found them in the most terrible places, no where  to be found easily.  Including up  stairs/ Lift out of order.
Sucks
Toffeelatteplease · 09/11/2016 07:00

I quite agree. And there just isn't enough of them anymore. Just as the population is increasing so is the population of those who need them, but they are still there in the same number as they were a generation before.

And they are being used to plug the gaps left by gendered toilets.... or also accommodate the baby change.

Unisex toilets would help tremendously

zad716 · 09/11/2016 07:44

"Unisex toilets would help tremendously"

True unisex toilets (fully enclosed cubicles with sinks) cost more and take up more space. Also with internal sinks more time is spent inside. Might solve one problem but unless its done right its just going to mean that queues are more likely to form.

The answer is probably a compromise, ie fully enclosed cubicles, shared washing area, and a separate shared urinal area, but I am sure there are many who will disagree with that.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2016 07:47

Why would men need to share a urinal area zad?

Toffeelatteplease · 09/11/2016 08:17

Some people will twist themselves in knots justifying a mans right to do whatever the hell they like

No. but I won't defend woman's only spaces at the expense of a little human compassion.

I have no idea what the "male" in the OP was doing in there. But I do have enough imagination to see that there might have been another reason other than to invade woman's boundaries.

Frankly I have as much dislike for people who think they have a right to an explanation for other people's behaviour as I do for people who swear.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2016 08:20

No. but I won't defend woman's only spaces at the expense of a little human compassion.

Women's only spaces are there precisely because of a little human compassion for women who do not want to be around men when they need to remove their underwear.

ZoeTurtle · 09/11/2016 08:33

Toffeelatteplease You're astonishingly lacking in compassion.

heron98 · 09/11/2016 08:34

His response was unecessarily rude but it wouldn't bother me if he were in a cubicle.

I've used the blokes before when the ladies has a huge queue.

Toffeelatteplease · 09/11/2016 09:00

If feeling that female spaces are so sacrosanct that i would rather watch a man wet himself is compassion I'm damn glad I lack it.

SpeakNoWords · 09/11/2016 09:21

No one is saying that though Toffee. The man in question wasn't elderly or disabled, and he chose to respond with hostility when politely challenged. I doubt he had a medical need and couldn't find a disabled toilet in time. I think everyone on this thread has said they wouldn't be bothered by an elderly gentlemen or someone who simply responded by saying the disabled toilets were locked/busy/not provided. Those exceptions don't mean that there should be a general rule that men can use the women's toilets whenever they feel like it.

A campaign for more/better disabled toilets and for proper safe unisex facilities to be provided would be something I think most people would agree with.

honkinghaddock · 09/11/2016 09:28

Has anyone actually said that it should be ok for men to use women's toilets whenever they feel like it. I think what people have said is that there may be good reason why a male is in there. Sometimes there is no other reasonable choice.

GinAndTunic · 09/11/2016 09:31

YABVU. How do you know he doesn't identify as being female?

Halo Wink
Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 09/11/2016 09:50

To all of you saying it's fine and men should be able to use the ladies;

What makes a desperate man's needs more important than a traumatised womans?

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 09/11/2016 09:50

What Tinkly said - If I see a man in the ladies loos I see a man who has already overstepped one boundary. My spidey senses are going to be tingling. I'm automatically going to be on guard. Surely that's just a natural reaction?

And I'm not some man hater who thinks all men are potential rapists. But I'm a realist who knows that a minority of men are predatory.
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LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 09/11/2016 09:54

Can't believe the normalising of men in women's loos that going on here. If it were so unremarkable for a man to be in women's toilets, why would businesses and organisations put up big signs outside the facilities advising that it may be necessary to have a male cleaner on duty?