DP and DM can't stand each other - WWYD?

[crocodarl]

Apologies for the length of this, but I want to avoid drip feeding if possible...

I have a great relationship with my DP and also with my DM, but, as with many inlaws, they really don't get on with each other. In fact, they fell out properly when DS1 was about 10 months old and I found it very difficult as I got completely stuck in the middle trying to mediate between them... after that they didn't see each other for about 2 years - I went once or twice a year for a long visit to DM with the kids but DP stayed at home.

Over the last couple of years things have improved and DM has been over to stay with us several times and although they still aren't keen they seemed to manage to tolerate each other for the sake of me and the kids. However, now it seems to be all boiling back up again... DM is visiting as DS3 has just been born and pretty much every day there is some kind of unpleasantness.

The problem, I think, is partly cultural and partly just personality clash. They are both people who are very set in their ways and automatically think anyone else's way of doing something is wrong if its different from theirs - but neither of them thinks they are like that! Also, DP is very direct if he is annoyed about something (in a way DM finds very upsetting and rude) and DM is completely insensitive about stuff that is clearly likely to set him off (then gets very upset when it does). She thinks he is aggressive and controlling. He thinks she is rude and over-reacting.

Lately the issue has been cleanliness: DP and his family are borderline obssessive about domestic hygiene. DM has a far more relaxed approach. Obviously I was raised by DM and so am not panicking about dirt, but on the other hand I quite like things clean, especially as we have a new baby at the moment I think it's quite normal and sensible to be a bit careful about handwashing/keeping things clean around the house. DM takes exception when DP asks her to wash her hands when she comes into our house (although there's no way she'd do it if he didn't) also she really doesn't get how disgusting it is for him that she has a day old used cloth hanky in her pocket. Also at dinner this evening she passed a drumstick she's already eaten part of to the 2 year old to finish... and she'd think nothing of using a tissue she'd already used herself on the 2 year old or the 4 year old ... to be honest I'm totally with DP on all of this being wrong/revolting, although on the other hand I grew up with this kind of stuff seeming normal and knowing we are all healthy and all survived so also think it's fairly harmless really - just I wish she wouldn't! But on the other hand I know she means well and she's lovely in lots of other ways and I hate that this is making her feel so unhappy/uncomfortable around us - but i wish she'd just think a little bit!! And as for her relationship with DP, this is just 1 example - even if we got the hygiene issue sorted, he would find something else to be annoyed about.

I have tried talking to both of them and tried to give them tips to help them understand each other a bit better but it really hasn't helped ... and I'm starting to think the best plan is just to keep them away from each other... I just don't have the energy to try to fix this any more, I am so sick of being stuck in the middle ... I used to find it upsetting, now it's just sort of funny except for neither of them sees it that way.

I don't want to sacrifice my (or the kids') relationship with either of them, and I don't want to ban DM from visiting us (or for DP to have stay out of the house when she does) but I don't know if I can stand the atmosphere of of what's it's like when she's here.

So, thanks anyone who read all the way through this! And, from your own experience regarding inlaw relationships, should I just let them fight and stay out of it, or should I go back to only visiting DM at her place without DP? I think she'd be devastated though, if she thought she wasn't welcome at ours.... Any suggestions welcome.

Men who are assholes to their own mother often become abusive to women in general. Fair warning.

Your dh sounds very rude and unpleasant.

I don't think you are stuck in the middle at all. I think you have got your blinkers on.

I really do feel for your mother.

Ok so wiping with a handkerchief is not ideal if used yourself but it's nothing to break a relationship down over.

This is the woman who raised you - being treat with contempt........

Quite often, you find that the way a man treats his mother will become the way he treats you. Watch out.

He needs to learn to treat your mother with respect, as you do. Don't do the gravitating down to the lowest common denominator here. Being rude to his own mum is bad enough; being rude to yours is unacceptable.

He has unreasonable and unrealistic expectation for his children and he doesn't like women. even the ones he is supposed to love.

The most important job you can do as a parent is to model a decent relationship if you're in one. How do you think your son will speak to you in the future, how will your daughter expect to be treated? You are making the blueprint for their future relationships.

Stop making excuses for him when he is so intolerant that he will not make any allowance for other people.

I made people wash their hands before picking up my baby in the first couple of weeks probably more so because she was prem ishe already had an infection didn't want her getting another. She's 1 now and i still make my mum wash her hands because she smokes.

The question isn't who is right or wrong, the question is you are in the middle and you love them both. I was in the same position for years and the same issues. It's over now and I think back and think what I could have done and the only thing I can think of is that you should raise your confidence levels. Tell them each that you intend them both to be in your life and it is for them to sort out how they can do that. Easier said than done but they are capable of adjusting their behaviour if they value you as you need to value yourself.

Feel really sorry for your mum.

Agree the dirty hanky etc isn't great but it's hardly life or death. I distinctly remember the infamous spit wash (gross),sooo thankful for the introduction of baby wipes.

Your partner sounds controlling - sorry...... To treat his mil poorly and his own mother worse speaks volumes.

Ordinarily you make allowances for the people you love and accept the differences between generations / nationalities etc. Doesn't sound like he makes any allowances.

I had tensions in same relationships. I used go home to do without dh who worked anyway. Best solution. At least you get on without the hassles of making allowances and can relax.

You could ask your dm to wash her hands too, in private.

I used dread my dm's visits as she took umbrage so easily. Was annoyed at dh too. She may be wrong but she's always your mother. she could just go along and moan to her friend after too and give you a break. Feel for you.

Fwiw I think she should know things you mention may be fine at her home but never outside immediately family. She's old enough to know not to rock the boat. I hope things improve. I remember this well. Sad. Wish I'd had a big row with dh at time to give a little for peace but also know it's very hard. Feel for you x

He was picking on her again last night, really nastily. I intervened and confronted him about it. Told him it's not acceptable to speak to anyone like that, whatever he thinks of them. And that by speaking to my mother like that he is disrespecting me. He apologised to her this morning (his own decision, I pretty much ignored this morning). And her flight home was booked for today, so I took her to the airport and discussed it a bit - that its not OK, but she & I are OK. He doesn't treat me and the kids that way. I don't feel like running away from him would be a good option, or good for the kids. But I feel numb about the whole situation. I don't think its going to change.

You know what OP. I think that your dh sounds like a nightmare to be honest.
I am a bit of a clean freak , but I wouldn't dream of asking a grown woman to wash their hands .

Making a fuss about the chicken thing , just ridiculous .

She must be so worried about you iving with a nasty bully like that.

So his mum was 'obsessed'
He is now 'obsessed'
And you are now passing this 'obsession' onto your own DC!
Oh dear!

And a grown adult.
I would never dream of asking any adult or child to wash their hands on entering my house.
How odd! Baby or no baby - it's just odd.