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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and DM can't stand each other - WWYD?

187 replies

crocodarl · 06/11/2016 22:20

Apologies for the length of this, but I want to avoid drip feeding if possible...

I have a great relationship with my DP and also with my DM, but, as with many inlaws, they really don't get on with each other. In fact, they fell out properly when DS1 was about 10 months old and I found it very difficult as I got completely stuck in the middle trying to mediate between them... after that they didn't see each other for about 2 years - I went once or twice a year for a long visit to DM with the kids but DP stayed at home.

Over the last couple of years things have improved and DM has been over to stay with us several times and although they still aren't keen they seemed to manage to tolerate each other for the sake of me and the kids. However, now it seems to be all boiling back up again... DM is visiting as DS3 has just been born and pretty much every day there is some kind of unpleasantness.

The problem, I think, is partly cultural and partly just personality clash. They are both people who are very set in their ways and automatically think anyone else's way of doing something is wrong if its different from theirs - but neither of them thinks they are like that! Also, DP is very direct if he is annoyed about something (in a way DM finds very upsetting and rude) and DM is completely insensitive about stuff that is clearly likely to set him off (then gets very upset when it does). She thinks he is aggressive and controlling. He thinks she is rude and over-reacting.

Lately the issue has been cleanliness: DP and his family are borderline obssessive about domestic hygiene. DM has a far more relaxed approach. Obviously I was raised by DM and so am not panicking about dirt, but on the other hand I quite like things clean, especially as we have a new baby at the moment I think it's quite normal and sensible to be a bit careful about handwashing/keeping things clean around the house. DM takes exception when DP asks her to wash her hands when she comes into our house (although there's no way she'd do it if he didn't) also she really doesn't get how disgusting it is for him that she has a day old used cloth hanky in her pocket. Also at dinner this evening she passed a drumstick she's already eaten part of to the 2 year old to finish... and she'd think nothing of using a tissue she'd already used herself on the 2 year old or the 4 year old ... to be honest I'm totally with DP on all of this being wrong/revolting, although on the other hand I grew up with this kind of stuff seeming normal and knowing we are all healthy and all survived so also think it's fairly harmless really - just I wish she wouldn't! But on the other hand I know she means well and she's lovely in lots of other ways and I hate that this is making her feel so unhappy/uncomfortable around us - but i wish she'd just think a little bit!! And as for her relationship with DP, this is just 1 example - even if we got the hygiene issue sorted, he would find something else to be annoyed about.

I have tried talking to both of them and tried to give them tips to help them understand each other a bit better but it really hasn't helped ... and I'm starting to think the best plan is just to keep them away from each other... I just don't have the energy to try to fix this any more, I am so sick of being stuck in the middle ... I used to find it upsetting, now it's just sort of funny except for neither of them sees it that way.

I don't want to sacrifice my (or the kids') relationship with either of them, and I don't want to ban DM from visiting us (or for DP to have stay out of the house when she does) but I don't know if I can stand the atmosphere of of what's it's like when she's here.

So, thanks anyone who read all the way through this! And, from your own experience regarding inlaw relationships, should I just let them fight and stay out of it, or should I go back to only visiting DM at her place without DP? I think she'd be devastated though, if she thought she wasn't welcome at ours.... Any suggestions welcome.

OP posts:
Cucumber5 · 07/11/2016 07:13

The number of times my mother tore a clean portion off her old tissue for me to use - I'm still alive! Yes it's a bit yuck but it's not like she's smearing poo on the walls/cot or forcing your family to eat year out of date meat.

Eminado · 07/11/2016 07:13

Very surprised at the outrage re hand washing.

I always wash my hands when visiting newborns. And most people did the same when they came to see mine.

Naicehamshop · 07/11/2016 07:15

He is extremely controlling and the fact that you say that he would always find something to complain about with her says it all really.

bibbity - the issue is not really handwashing, is it? It is more about imposing your rules on someone to the extent that you really upset them, and cause problems for your spouse.

Naicehamshop · 07/11/2016 07:16

Eminado - see my comment above.

Dozer · 07/11/2016 07:22

I think your DP is in the wrong and you're excusing him, do you perhaps fear he'd become angry with you if you didn't go along with these demands?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 07/11/2016 07:23

How does he feel about you friends?

user1470041360 · 07/11/2016 07:24

Your husband does sound obsessive. There are germs all around us and being told to wash your hands when you enter a house (especially as an adult) is a bit twatish. A bit of dirt goes a long way in helping the immune system . Chucking bleach and chemicals all around the house is a lot worse in my humble opinion

Gwenhwyfar · 07/11/2016 07:25

" I do find myself slightly revolted by people who don't do it. "

I never wash my hands when entering a house or other building. My recent cold was the first in more than a year so it hasn't made me unhealthy, plus too much hand washing is bad for the skin and we already do it multiple times a day after the toilet.

Fairylea · 07/11/2016 07:26

Our house has a similar level of germophobe to your dh. We all wash our hands when we come in, I'd be grossed out by someone using a hanky and so on. I genuinely believe our attitudes to cleanliness are one of the reasons we've not been poorly in the last 4 years since my mum moved out - when she lived with us we used to all get sick bugs etc quite a lot because her sense of hygiene is more like your dms.

Saying that- there is no way I'd make a guest feel bad. I wouldn't ask anyone to wash their hands when they come in or anything like that. I'd suck it up and clean after. I think your dh is quite rude.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/11/2016 07:28

"The "when in Rome" argument does not prevent a couple from setting the rules/culture in their own home. To what extent you can impose it on guests is another matter."

It's not the couple though, it's just the OP's DP. OP seems to believe his way is better, but the hygiene rules are clearly coming from him and not her.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/11/2016 07:29

That's a very interesting question lumpy. How does he feel about your friends op

And sorry I also meant to say, congratulations on the baby Flowers

user1470041360 · 07/11/2016 07:32

Fairylea. We are not obsessive about germs. I don't clean with chemicals. My 6 year old has had a sick bug once which lasted a few hours. I never get sick. Perhaps both our families just have good immune systems rather than once of us doing it correctly Smile

cansu · 07/11/2016 07:33

Bloody hell your dp is incredibly rude. None of the hygiene things you have described are bad enough to warrant him being rude to your mum. I am not surprised she dislikes him. I would be telling him to shut the fuck up when she visits. Given that she does not even stay in your home he must be v rude to be picking on her when she comes to see you and the baby. Lots of people share food all over the world and it isn't going to kill anyone. Lots of older people keep a hanky in their pocket and have been doing so for years and years. It isn't something I would do but it certainly isn't the end of the world either. I would probably wash my hands when holding a brand new baby but tbh that pretty much falls by the wayside after a few days. I certainly did not get up in the night to wash my hands before picking up my baby to feed or change them and I am betting most mums don't either. Your dp is being an arse.

JunosRevenge · 07/11/2016 07:34

I'm with your mum I'm afraid, OP

Your toddlers will be surviving on a diet of earth worms and soil if they are anything like mine at that age. Eating part of your mum's food is not going to harm them.

Is your DH American? I ask because my SIL was similarly obsessive about cleanliness.

Cucumber5 · 07/11/2016 07:40

I don't understand why he would choose to be rude about hygiene when he could go about it nicely

Gwenhwyfar · 07/11/2016 07:42

" Lots of older people keep a hanky in their pocket and have been doing so for years and years. It isn't something I would do"

Cloth hankies used to be boiled clean, but I'm not sure people do that any more so I do think tissues are better and you can get balsam ones to prevent the sore nose thing. However, I keep a tissue in my pocket too - how else would you cope when you have a cold? You need to have the tissue to hand wherever you are.

Cucumber5 · 07/11/2016 07:42

Also what's he like about your friends?

What's he like about the kids getting dirty? Childhood is all about making mud cakes and picking up slugs.

shovetheholly · 07/11/2016 07:44

It sounds as though your DP has an unshakeable conviction that he is right, despite the fact that (as this thread shows) there are a range of views on the issue of hygiene. That kind of rigidity is quite likely to create conflict and problems, because it often leads to very controlling behaviour - combined with an arrogance that just won't listen to other points of view.

The answer, as with most situations of difference, ought to be one of compromise - but that is very difficult to achieve where one person just feels that they are Right, with a capital R. I am slightly worried that this may also be bleeding into other aspects of your life together.

Kr1stina · 07/11/2016 07:45

Our house has a similar level of germophobe to your dh. We all wash our hands when we come in, I'd be grossed out by someone using a hanky and so on. I genuinely believe our attitudes to cleanliness are one of the reasons we've not been poorly in the last 4 years since my mum moved out - when she lived with us we used to all get sick bugs etc quite a lot because her sense of hygiene is more like your dms

I'm with team DM and my kids have had one sick bug ( from school ) in the last 20 years . So based on that, it's your germ Phobia that causing your illnesses. Or alternatively it's nothing to do with your obsesssion and you might as well stop it / get therapy .

OP can you say what other, non hygiene , things your DH does that your DM finds aggressive and controlling ?

Roussette · 07/11/2016 07:49

Your DH sounds rude. Is he really that obsessive about cleanliness or does he just not like your DM and is just doing it for the sake of it.

I have to say... it will only get worse if he is like this about cleanliness. My bestF I've known forever is not OCD but is totally obsessed by cleanliness and it's getting worse and worse. She was like it a bit decades ago but it's increasing. We spend a lot of time together but it's got to the point I don't like going to her house anymore, I don't like going to the loo there, I don't feel welcome anymore and I hate it.

Boomerwang · 07/11/2016 07:50

I don't see where the DP is being controlling? At least not excessively. It's a newborn, of course he's going to be worrying about hygiene.

Also, she is a guest and should abide by whatever rules are imposed. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't visit. If OP doesn't like that DM doesn't visit then she takes the baby out to visit DM. If DP doesn't like OP being out so often with the baby, he relaxes his rules so that DM comes back. It'll all work out in the end.

Or, you'll all dig your feet in and have a shit time of it. Just like so many other families.

helpful, yes Grin

MarianneSolong · 07/11/2016 07:56

I suppose it's a question of whether you feel baby's primary need is for a strictly controlled regime of hygiene where they may only be in contact with a very small circle of people - who stick to the rules.

Or whether they will benefit from being in contact with a much more diverse, inclusive and rather more relaxed community.

Believeitornot · 07/11/2016 07:56

YOur DM think he's controlling? Except for the handwashing, what else is there?

If he says wash your hands as soon as she steps in then I can see why she's upset.

Have you spoken to your DM about how you feel about the hygiene? Otherwise it reads as if you're letting your partner take all the slack for it.

And culture has no bearing on good manners.

supermoon100 · 07/11/2016 07:58

Omg your dp sounds really controlling! I have also never heard of washing hands for a baby. They've just come out of someone's vagina ffs!

flumpybear · 07/11/2016 08:01

Didn't read responses but I think essentially the
Person they're both upsetting them most isnt each other .... it's you, and soon your children when they're old enough to know! My dad and his sister were much the same, mainly because they were both so similar yet so different st the same time and we missed out seeing our cousins and family deom that side
Perhaps you can write them a single
Letter and give them a copy each. Point out they're only damaging the family not each other as they're too inflexible. Tell your mum those horrible habits cannot continue and tell your husband that his probably quite over the top and your mum may feel you're a bit down trodden perhaps!? Behaviour can be curbed perhaps whilst your mum is there. Tell them
To tolerate each other because of the greater good of the family as it will hurt your children and you and they must try if they love you, which I'm sure they do.
Think you're going to have to change from referee to mediator ... good luck!!