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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

182 replies

TeaandSympathy4me · 06/11/2016 16:48

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 06/11/2016 16:51

You must have more energy than me op! I'm 35 with 2 kids...the thought of another makes me shudder!

Sparlklesilverglitter · 06/11/2016 16:54

I'm 39 and not long had my first baby and I already know that she will be my only baby as I get older I would rather put all my energy in to DD than have more than one at my age.
Sometime I think you just have to be happy with what you have

JinkxMonsoon · 06/11/2016 16:55

I think 45 is too old, sorry. And I know that sounds harsh. I think you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment. The chances of conceiving are slim, and the chances of a successful pregnancy even if you DID conceive aren't so good either.

Can't you put it down to wistfulness that your baby having days are over? I'm absolutely done with babies at 36 but feel faintly jealous of friends who are pregnant. But it's not because I want to be pregnant! It's a special time though, and it's sad I won't have it again.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/11/2016 16:58

It's not so much having a baby at 45 and a toddler in your late 40's, that sounds doable, it's the thought of a 15 year old at 60 that would put me off.

Eatthecake · 06/11/2016 17:00

I had a baby 8 months ago when I was 48 I thought it was the menopause starting but no it was ds. And I love ds and I wouldn't be without him but although I am fit and healthy I had forgotten how hard the baby stage is and sometimes that with managing a full time job is hard.

Me and dh now won't be able to retire in 6 years as we planned.
We will have another 16-18 years before we get any proper us time
We will have to do baby stage, toddler stage, teenage stage all over again

Your children are still very young at 4 & 8 so I say focus on them and enjoy them.

Bluntness100 · 06/11/2016 17:02

I'd agree with the others, but add in a caution, which is how would you feel if the child had difficulties or a handicap. I do think the risk increases the older you get, and it may not be a significant risk, but it is there, and I guess at any age.

I would also concentrate on the ones you have.

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 06/11/2016 17:02

I know how u feel (I still suddenly want another every so often, and I'm in my 50s..), but I just had a look at the stats, more than half of pregnancies end in miscarriage in 45-50 year old, and u have a 1 in 21 chance of a genetic abnormality in the baby - would u be ready for those risks :-/?
Might be worth working out what it is about having a baby that u crave, and thinking carefully about all the times it was hard work when ur other DCs were tiny?

prettywhiteguitar · 06/11/2016 17:09

I think this quite common isn't it where you feel like you want a baby in your forties as it's your last chance ? I would say talk about it with your partner ? But I would put it down to your hormones and not your heart.

MaryMargaret · 06/11/2016 17:11

Just to share a couple of thoughts:

Kind of trivial I know, but I am a fit and young-looking 58 (though I don't dye my not-very-grey hair) and have been mistaken for teenagers' DGM a few times. Had my youngest at 43. It makes my kids laugh, but perhaps more seriously, I feel sad that I'll be such an old DGM myself, and not able to offer the fabulous support I got from my own mercifully young Mum (as she had me a lot younger than I imagine my kids will have their kids IYSWIM)

I haven't found teenagers any less demanding than little kids (though less physical, obvs) Not sure I'd find three (rather than the two I have) very easy. Though dreading the empty nest, also starting to long for a bit of peace.

I also have views about how many kids it's right to have, for the sake of the planet, but that's not really what you were asking

Ilovewillow · 06/11/2016 17:12

Slightly different as we had IVF but I had my second at 43. My daughter was 5 at the time. For us it was the best decision we could make at the time, I would have loved my children a little earlier but it was not to be. I guess it's more tiring. Would I have another at nearly 45 - I wouldn't choose to but wouldn't feel devestated if it happened either. We didn't have any tests for either pregnancy despite being high risk as it wouldn't have changed our minds but you should consider it before you decide to try! It's a big decision - think it through carefully and good luck!

Namechangeemergency · 06/11/2016 17:20

Interesting to read your post mary
You are me in 8 years Smile
I had my youngest when I was 43.
I have always found babies a doddle but struggle a bit with teens (v. complicated reasons).

I don't regret having my two youngest (had one at 40) but I do have the occasionally pang of 'omg what have I done?!'

But I also remember being exhausted in my twenties when I had my eldest two. I don't feel that knackered now because my life is different.

I find the way these threads always concentrate on disability very unsettling so I won't be reading and posting again but just wanted to wave at someone who had a baby at 43 and is further down the line than me Smile

CookieDoughKid · 06/11/2016 17:21

I think it will be very very tough. You'll be 50 with 3 on your hands and probably still potty training plus all the am dram (amateur dramatics) from your soon to be teens. And thats just the tip of it. What if your baby has a disability? Can you afford to put three through their college and uni days? How fit are you really because if you are, it will be hard to keep up personal fitness in your own time let alone work. You will look older beyond your years. I see mums on their school runs with 3rd and 4th children and they look beyond their years. Harrased, really wrinkled skin. They are mid 40s but they look early 50s if im honest. If all this doesnt bother you then go for it. Personally im looking forward to really interesting holidays and tours with my 2dcs who are a bit older and i no.longer have to do toilet runs with them!!

Bertucci · 06/11/2016 17:22

I am 46 and can't tell you how 'too old' I feel it is.

I don't feel old or look it, but in terms of being pregnant or having a newborn or toddler, I just think that ship has sailed and I wouldn't want a really young child when I am in my 50s.

My children always make a point of mentioning the ages of their friends who have 'old' parents. It is a big deal to them.

mudandmayhem01 · 06/11/2016 17:24

I am nearly 44, I have just had a coil fitted and I know this means I will not be having another baby, practically, emotionally, financially, but I did feel a little bit sad as I walked out of the family planning clinic and past the maternity unit where my 11 and 13 year old children were born. I then pulled myself together and remembered I had the rest of the day off and no small people to look after! We are biologically programmed to reproduce and its wonderful to live in a time when we can overcome that biology.

Floggingmolly · 06/11/2016 17:25

You'll be a pensioner by the time they turn 18...

MaryMargaret · 06/11/2016 17:26

Hi Namechange! You'll be fine I'm sure. You may at least get to be a young DGM, and you can always dye your hair, too Wink

expatinscotland · 06/11/2016 17:28

I think it's too old, sorry. I'm 45 myself. I also think it's a hormonal thing as this age with a lot of women, there's this surge of 'last chance saloon' hormones.

Funnyface1 · 06/11/2016 17:28

I wouldn't even dream of starting again for that age. Just had my second (and last) baby at 31 and she is killing me softly.

Also I too would be worried about the added health risks associated and wouldn't dare take the risk.

CookieDoughKid · 06/11/2016 17:29

Sorry to mention disability. Of course they are just as valid little human beings as ones with no disabilities. A different kind of challenge rather and my best friend has a dc who has very severe downs. She was 44 and chose to keep hers. She does not regret but her whole life evolves around this dc and always will. She knows she will never be allowed to retire as this child isn't likely to lead a dependent life. Child is 15. About 5ft 10 already and extremely heavy. And he loves the playground still and doesn't go to mainstream school and she still needs to accompany him to the toilet and help him do everything as his mental age is of a toddler. Anyway think what you can cope with. What would you rather.

expatinscotland · 06/11/2016 17:33

'Sorry to mention disability.'

Why? It's a known fact the risk of these increases with maternal age. I was nearly 38 when I had DS and we found out later that he has ASD. DH got the snip. I'm 45 now and although he is HFA he is, age 8, very hard work. I'm quite worn out. There's some evidence that risk of ASD increases with both paternal and maternal age. It's something to consider. For every 'My friend/cousin/whoever had healthy triplets at 47,' there's a dozen in Antenatal Choices board.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 06/11/2016 17:40

My friend had a baby at 40 and she was fine. At your age you will be checked more than mothers younger than you I think. I knew a 45 year old mum who was having another baby at 45 I wish I could tell you more I didn't get on to well with her. I would say go for it if your body allows you to. You have to be aware of the risks.

Benedikte2 · 06/11/2016 17:40

I think if you have any reservations at all don't do it! I felt the same way at your age but circumstance didn't permit and when I look back now can see all the things I was able to do that I wouldn't have done if I had a dependent child until I was of retirement age.
Miscarriage is always painful and if you were to be so unfortunate then there would not be the consolation of perhaps having a later successful pregnancy. You'd then be in a worse position than you are now just wishing........

beautifulbizarre · 06/11/2016 17:41

If you're sure it's what you and your partner want, why not?

But brace yourself for potential disappointment Flowers

BishopBrennansArse · 06/11/2016 17:44

Blimey OP.
If you've got the energy then good on you!

Sunshineonacloudyday · 06/11/2016 17:45

You could try a course of IVF and see how your body reacts you might get lucky. That is how my 45 year old acquaintance got pregnant. It did take her 3 attempts. I don't think its weird a 45 year old wanting a baby who am I to judge.