To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

[TeaandSympathy4me]

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

[Pisssssedofff]

He's not the one with fertility issues - clearly - how is it fair the woman doesn't get to have a child at all because the man she loves has one he is prevented from seeing? It makes me laugh the way they limit resources because they don't have to you know. The physical "money" for NHS, schools, public services hasnt existed for a long long time.

[franincisco]

Of course you are not too old, age really is just a number.

There was a documentary several years ago where a 63 year old woman who decided she wanted a child said the same thing. Sadly for her the medical ethics team felt age was relevant.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

To be fair there is a big difference between 45 and 63. A lot of fertility clinics have a cut off of 50/51 which seems reasonable.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Pisssssedofffff I agree with you. Either infertility is a serious enough health issue to warrant the NHS getting involved or it isn't. One person shouldn't be denied treatment because their partner already has a child they may or may not see. The lines that have to be drawn should be based on practical reasons why the treatment is less likely to succeed. You are too old or your BMI is too high. Or, in fairness, that you already have a child of your own.

[franincisco]

Yes of course there is a difference, but where do you draw the line? I am surprised that clinics would treat a 50 year old.

[Iusedtobecarmen]

It amazes me that that so many over forties on this thread apparar to be exhausted. Worrying. Im no more exhausted now than twenty yrs ago.
I agree having kids makes you tired but thats a general thing at any age.
And eliza,through my work i see quite a number of 40plus pregnant women actually

[Pisssssedofff]

My DS nearly finished me off at 34, the difference between that pregnancy and my first at 24 was staggering. Good one those that manage of but I'm glad I'm done

[franincisco]

For me the exhaustion of parenting only hit when they were quite grown up. I had 3 children within 3 years in my very early 20's and 2 more in my late 20's which nearly finished mI had loads of energy when they were small, but once they started to hit secondary age I felt pulled apart in many ways. I can't imagine having another at my.age (37)

[Pisssssedofff]

I met s woman last week who was a granny at 37 that sealed my choices

[ElizaDontlittle]

Iusedtobe I'm sure you do, and I've delivered lots and know several personally. But the plural of anecdotes is not data.

[Overcooked]

Expat, someone up thread was in that position, not having IVF but two kids, in her forties and having investigations into her fertility. The money could be spent much better elsewhere.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Seriously, Overcooked? How do you decide how money should be best spent? The PP you refer to has been told she won't be considered for IVF so all the hospital are doing is trying to help her understand what her own fertility position is. She is only 42 so still under the usual age for menopause. Why should she be less entitled to have her fertility checked than someone younger? Is it her age you object to or the fact she already has 2 kids in which case presumably in your view anyone with more than one child already should be refused fertility investigation?

[Deadsouls]

I don't think 45 is too old. Why is it too old?

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

franincisco to be fair, I don't know if the 50yo cut off is UK clinics or only ones abroad. There could be an earlier cut off here. And, of course, as occasional news stories show, some countries don't even have an age 50 cut off.

And I assume by 50 (in fact probably earlier) they wouldn't be using your own eggs (if you even had any). Presumably that is only for donor treatment.

[fedupoffeckingschool]

I had my youngest dd at 42, I'm 50 now & worn out, school runs, friends playing, shes lovely tho & realise how lucky I am, 45 not to old, if it happens then I was meant to be, good luck x

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I'm knackered at 31 with a baby, but some babies sleep well. It's the sleep deprivation I find the hardest but it's a gamble.

On the topic of NHS funded IVF, I think the postcode lottery is ridiculous and I also think it's harsh that if either parent has a child NHS won't fund. My DP has two children but I don't even see them, but that would preclude me from having help to have a child of my own. Most people don't know they will have fertility problems when they start relationships and most mothers gain residency of children during a split.

[Overcooked]

Frozen, it's not the age of the woman so much as the fact that she already has two, I presume healthy, children.

I stand by the fact that the NHS is not an endless pot of money and people with two healthy children already do not have a need for a further child, that money could be better spent elsewhere.

I think anyone with two healthy children should be refused fertility explorations yes, unless there are other mitigating factors. I don't think my views are outlandish.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

I do see where you are coming from Overcooked but it is a difficult one I think. Checking people's fertility is a fairly standard NHS procedure - if nothing else, sometimes medical problems can be found which need to be treated. I think refusing such investigations on the grounds of having previous children would be a dangerous path to follow.

[Overcooked]

I think we will have to agree to differ. Especially at over 40, the lack of pregnancy is likely to be down to the declining fertility of the mother. If there are other health issues with the reproductive organs then that is different to investigations purely for fertility issues.

It feels quite selfish to me really, nobody needs a third child whereas there are some people in the NHS system (the vast majority of people in fact) who are genuinely in need.

[citybumpkin]

I will be unable to obtain NHS funding for IVF due to the fact my partner has children from a previous relationship. There is nothing to say that his fertility hasn't changed over time. I was told by my GP that I would struggle to get myself checked out on the NHS so went private. I feel penalised for the fact that DP already has children and my age is brought into consideration when women are having children far later in life (and by later I mean 30s and 40s).

[Floggingmolly]

Why do you feel penalised, city? They're not refusing to treat you; they're just not prepared to pay for it...

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Were they saying you were to young for fertility checks city as if 'older women' includes those in their 30s, I assume you are in your 20s? I have heard of the NHS being reluctant to follow up much on fertility with younger women as there isn't the urgency that obviously exists when you get older. Not saying I agree, just I have heard of that being an issue.

The partner and children thing I agree with you about but obviously not everyone sees it the same way.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Overcooked, yes happy to agree to disagree.

[citybumpkin]

Frozen as stated upthread I'm 40.

[SarfEast1cated]

Sorry to hear that city hoping for some good luck for you soon.