To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

[TeaandSympathy4me]

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

[franincisco]

Obviously there is a massive difference in having a baby at 43 and 63, I don't think it is wrong to have a baby in your 40's but i do think the OP would be mad to start baby life again when her youngest is at school , especially considering her age.

[franincisco]

at whatever age, every person should be able to express their maternal/paternal longing for a/another child.

Expressing it and actively doing something about it are very different things. There was a documentary on a few years ago showing women who wanted to use donor eggs/sperm who were much older. I think the youngest was 50 and the eldest was 63. One of the women was Spanish and had twins at the age of 55 I think. She said she loved them, but had been very foolish thinking that she had the energy that she had when her other child was born (he was in his late 20's) Very sadly she got cancer and was dying and had to organize someone to look after her then 3 year old twins. Her only living (youngish) relative was her son who was in his late 20's, lived abroad and was less than delighted to be the new parent of his twin brothers.

The other lady had been a Professor in Oxford IIRC, retired due to ill health and then decided it was time to start a family She suddenly had maternal urges, felt that she had lots to offer a baby and it was her right as much as any other woman to become a mother. She seemed much older than her age, presumably due to health problems and she was quite frail. I think everyone watching the programme breathed a sigh of relief when the ethics panel (who had to yay or nay the treatment) unanimously agreed it was a no.

[LBOCS2]

Coming from it from the other side - DM had us 'late', in the eighties. She was in her early forties when my sister was born. Having an older parent was never an issue for us growing up, or as teenagers (although she did occasionally get mistaken for our grandmother). Until relatively recently I would have absolutely championed the idea of having DC older.

But... DM died at 67. So DSis and I lost her when we were in our twenties, and it was really bloody hard, I was just starting my own family and DSis had only moved out a couple of weeks previously. Looking around at my friends who all expect another 20+ years with their parents, it IS something to consider because it did affect us a lot despite being adults.

Which is not to say that people can't die at any time but with increased age the risk increases.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

SlottedSpoon are you parenting in your 60s? Because if not how do you know what it will be like for others? People on here are claiming to be knackered in their 40s or earlier. That is not my experience at all. Everyone clearly has vastly different energy levels.

Also who are.all these people.choosing to be parents in their 40s? Most people who have a first child in their 40s have either met someone late or had fertility problems that have dragged on, or in not a few cases, have had a surprise.

Some.people have had a child or children earlier and.are.seeking to.complete.their family. In most cases.they are fairly early 40s so hardly on their death beds.

It really isnt such a terrible thing.

[SlottedSpoon]

I have just had my first at 42 and can't wait for another. Age is irrelevant.

You are right about one thing there - you can't wait. Because age most certainly is not irrelevant. It's foolish to think that it is, both in terms of the ability to conceive and maintain a pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby, and in terms of having the time and energy to see parenting through to its natural conclusion when your children reach young adulthood.

Some people don't choose to become parents for the first time in their 40s , it just happens that way for them and I understand why they would still take that compared to having no kids at all, but why on earth so many women now choose to delay parenthood until their 40s is an absolute mystery to me. One can only assume that they do it because they seriously have no idea what it's going to be like; how much of a toll it takes on your physical energy parenting children for the first 5 to 10 years and how much of a toll it takes on you emotionally/mentally, parenting them through teenage years to early adulthood.

Having a child at 42-45, so you are still running around picking up after them and being woken at night etc possibly until you are 50, and then having to parent 15-18 year olds when you are pushing 60 is going to be no picnic, let me tell you.

[citybumpkin]

Thanks Sarf. In a thread of nay sayers and negativity its much appreciated. However, whether its the first, second, third....child at whatever age, every person should be able to express their maternal/paternal longing for a/another child. Only a couple of generations ago women were having children into their mid to late 40s. Yes, we can say times have changed for the worse but it can also be said they've changed for the better. Each to their own. Noone should berate another being for contemplating something which is so positively deeply felt. I only lurk and post occasionally on here due to the vast amount of negativity. Again each to their own...

[sj257]

For me it'd be a no. I'm 29 and have a 10 and an 8 year old and 30 weeks pregnant. I know without a doubt that this baby is my last! If I had a baby at 45 my eldest would be 26!

Obviously your circumstances are different and only you can decide if you can cope. Xx

[SarfEast1cated]

Sorry to hear that city hoping for some good luck for you soon.

[citybumpkin]

Frozen as stated upthread I'm 40.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Overcooked, yes happy to agree to disagree.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Were they saying you were to young for fertility checks city as if 'older women' includes those in their 30s, I assume you are in your 20s? I have heard of the NHS being reluctant to follow up much on fertility with younger women as there isn't the urgency that obviously exists when you get older. Not saying I agree, just I have heard of that being an issue.

The partner and children thing I agree with you about but obviously not everyone sees it the same way.

[Floggingmolly]

Why do you feel penalised, city? They're not refusing to treat you; they're just not prepared to pay for it...

[citybumpkin]

I will be unable to obtain NHS funding for IVF due to the fact my partner has children from a previous relationship. There is nothing to say that his fertility hasn't changed over time. I was told by my GP that I would struggle to get myself checked out on the NHS so went private. I feel penalised for the fact that DP already has children and my age is brought into consideration when women are having children far later in life (and by later I mean 30s and 40s).

[Overcooked]

I think we will have to agree to differ. Especially at over 40, the lack of pregnancy is likely to be down to the declining fertility of the mother. If there are other health issues with the reproductive organs then that is different to investigations purely for fertility issues.

It feels quite selfish to me really, nobody needs a third child whereas there are some people in the NHS system (the vast majority of people in fact) who are genuinely in need.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

I do see where you are coming from Overcooked but it is a difficult one I think. Checking people's fertility is a fairly standard NHS procedure - if nothing else, sometimes medical problems can be found which need to be treated. I think refusing such investigations on the grounds of having previous children would be a dangerous path to follow.

[Overcooked]

Frozen, it's not the age of the woman so much as the fact that she already has two, I presume healthy, children.

I stand by the fact that the NHS is not an endless pot of money and people with two healthy children already do not have a need for a further child, that money could be better spent elsewhere.

I think anyone with two healthy children should be refused fertility explorations yes, unless there are other mitigating factors. I don't think my views are outlandish.

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I'm knackered at 31 with a baby, but some babies sleep well. It's the sleep deprivation I find the hardest but it's a gamble.

On the topic of NHS funded IVF, I think the postcode lottery is ridiculous and I also think it's harsh that if either parent has a child NHS won't fund. My DP has two children but I don't even see them, but that would preclude me from having help to have a child of my own. Most people don't know they will have fertility problems when they start relationships and most mothers gain residency of children during a split.

[fedupoffeckingschool]

I had my youngest dd at 42, I'm 50 now & worn out, school runs, friends playing, shes lovely tho & realise how lucky I am, 45 not to old, if it happens then I was meant to be, good luck x

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

franincisco to be fair, I don't know if the 50yo cut off is UK clinics or only ones abroad. There could be an earlier cut off here. And, of course, as occasional news stories show, some countries don't even have an age 50 cut off.

And I assume by 50 (in fact probably earlier) they wouldn't be using your own eggs (if you even had any). Presumably that is only for donor treatment.

[Deadsouls]

I don't think 45 is too old. Why is it too old?

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Seriously, Overcooked? How do you decide how money should be best spent? The PP you refer to has been told she won't be considered for IVF so all the hospital are doing is trying to help her understand what her own fertility position is. She is only 42 so still under the usual age for menopause. Why should she be less entitled to have her fertility checked than someone younger? Is it her age you object to or the fact she already has 2 kids in which case presumably in your view anyone with more than one child already should be refused fertility investigation?

[Overcooked]

Expat, someone up thread was in that position, not having IVF but two kids, in her forties and having investigations into her fertility. The money could be spent much better elsewhere.

[ElizaDontlittle]

Iusedtobe I'm sure you do, and I've delivered lots and know several personally. But the plural of anecdotes is not data.

[Pisssssedofff]

I met s woman last week who was a granny at 37 that sealed my choices

[franincisco]

For me the exhaustion of parenting only hit when they were quite grown up. I had 3 children within 3 years in my very early 20's and 2 more in my late 20's which nearly finished mI had loads of energy when they were small, but once they started to hit secondary age I felt pulled apart in many ways. I can't imagine having another at my.age (37)