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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

182 replies

TeaandSympathy4me · 06/11/2016 16:48

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaandSympathy4me · 06/11/2016 18:32

Yeah in thinking it's the hormones. My DS is about to have no 2 and she will be two months off turning 44 - she has a DD1 who she had when she was nearly 41. I thought she was crazy trying for another straight after DD1 but now out of the blue I feel like this - maybe because there will be another bubba in the family. My DS isn't quite as fit as I am (I run half marathons etc and yes as one reply put it getting the time to do this will be a struggle after another DC I'm sure). But maybe when I see her knackered I might feel better about it! I'm on the coil in any case...

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 06/11/2016 18:34

Disability is an issue for anyone considering children

Mine were born when I was 25, 26, 28 and 29. The 3 surviving children are all disabled. Could happen to anyone.

Of course it could, but statistically it's more likely to be an issue the older you are, not to mention that it is more difficult to deal with as you get old yourself and your adult child still needs round the clock support.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 06/11/2016 18:37

beautifulbizarre babies are very nice when their small and cute. Toddlers are a nightmare.

Overthehillandroundthebend · 06/11/2016 18:39

I had my first at 42 and she is beautiful. Most women I grew up with did not start until their very late 30s. My doctor told me that if the chromosomal screening was okay, the risks were exactly the same as those of a younger women. I was worried about it, but it was a non issue to all the medical staff during my pregnancy and birth. Also remember if you naturally conceive and give birth to a child in your early forties, your chances of living until 100 are four times greater.

I think this issue is overblown. It is a very personal decision- only you know how you feel. Age is just a somewhat correlated number, I would not let that alone stop you.

Also, you need less sleep as you age. The sleep deprivation would have killed me in my 20s.

shins · 06/11/2016 18:52

No. I'm 44 and my kids are 20, 9 and 6 so I've done the whole "cycle" of childhood The teenage years are HARD, on an emotional and mental level and I was only in my 30s/early 40s. They're also mind-bogglingly expensive. I'm slightly dreading doing it again and I wouldn't be doing it in my 60s.

weegiemum · 06/11/2016 19:09

I'm 45 and can hardly think of anything I'd like less than to be pg again! I have 3 teenagers and don't miss the baby stage one bit - and pregnancy was simply a nightmare the last time.

Laiste · 06/11/2016 19:37

I don't mean to sound goady, but I'm just wondering, all the posters saying no ... would you be as happy to say theses points are valid reasons for a disabled person to not become a parent?

  • might be an embarrassment at the school gates
  • shouldn't risk passing on any disability
  • they have a higher chance of dying
  • too hard at toddler stage
  • they are an 'infliction' on a future child
beautifulbizarre · 06/11/2016 19:46

Not goady.

True.

neweymcnewname · 06/11/2016 19:53

over the hill : '...My doctor told me that if the chromosomal screening was okay, the risks were exactly the same as those of a younger women. '

Well yes, if the 'screening was ok', then obviously there is no chromosone abnormality, that's a given! I'm very happy for you that everything turned out well, but that doesn't change the increased level of risk to older mums.

The issue is that if the genetic screening isn't ok, you are left pregnant, deciding what to do with that information.

You may have felt your baby moving, you may well have a visible bump, and people are happy for you, and you are then supposed to decide if you would like that baby terminated because it is genetically imperfect; or will you continue and commit yourself to loving and caring for a child who may need a lot of additional love and support for the rest of your life.
That is the hard part.

Horsepower9 · 06/11/2016 19:54

I was 43 when I fell pregnant with DD 4. My other 3 girls are all left home with children of their own (two of our grandchildren are older than DD 4!!) I was initially worried about health issues and we did go through with an amniocentesis. Everything was fine, although she was born 8 weeks early due to an underlying medical problem i had that I wasn't aware of before pregnancy.
It has honestly been the best 9 years of my life! And Dh feels the same. Dd4 is a constant joy.
I have found myself buying all the old games i used to play with the others and the same dvds (yes all the toy story characters are sitting in her room again!!)
We are much more financially secure now so nothing has been a struggle like it was first time round. I also have more time and patience. I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to and we have fun.
I'd say if you want to just go for it as I think there are way more positives than negatives.

Floggingmolly · 06/11/2016 19:57

If you naturally conceive and give birth to a child in your early forties, your chances of living to a hundred are four times greater
Being capable of conceiving in your forties is one of the indicators of greater longevity, Overthehill, you don't have to actually go ahead and give birth to reap the benefits Confused

expatinscotland · 06/11/2016 19:58

'would you be as happy to say theses points are valid reasons for a disabled person to not become a parent? '

Eh? That's neither here nor there. I have a disabled son myself. It's a fact that risk of chromosomal abnormalities, miscarriage, pregnancy and childbirth complications, maternal death and neonatal death increase with maternal age. There is some evidence to suggest an increase in ASD with parental age, but the latter is fact.

notquiteruralbliss · 06/11/2016 19:59

I would go for it OP. I was in my 40s when I had DC4. No regrets.

BishopBrennansArse · 06/11/2016 20:03

I am a disabled parent. I did pass on my disability to two of my children and one didn't survive.

My three children also have other disabilities as well as mine.

It doesn't stop some people.

franincisco · 06/11/2016 20:06

Laiste I know from a professional capacity that there are children who have a parent/s that have a disability and it has had a major impact on their lives at times. There are some parents who are paralysed from neck down for example, who cannot parent unless another competent adult is present at all times. That might be another parent, or a carer as part of a care package. Undoubtedly there are people in society (that includes professionals involved) who will question their decision to have children.

Laiste · 06/11/2016 20:44

Well, as i said, in the name of debate it was a genuine question. I suppose by asking posters to consider a disabled parent within a thread about an older parent i was also pressing for them to seriously question how much validity should really be placed on things like appearance at the school gate and keeping up at the (comparably short) toddler stage and the like.

It just seems to me that successfully raising a person from baby to adulthood is so much more than being able to charge around a garden or look glam at the school gates that these things hardly deserve a first thought let alone a mention.

Maybe i'm wrong. I've been a 'young' mum and am now an 'older' mum so these threads always interest me :)

formerbabe · 06/11/2016 20:45

I'd be thinking if I had a baby at 45...I'd be 50 on their first day at school...that does sound too old to me.

SirVixofVixHall · 06/11/2016 21:04

I had my first at 41 and my second at 43. Conceived in the blink of an eye each time. I really wanted a third but dd2 was such a terrible sleeper, i was breastfeeding all the time, my thyroid was packing up, I just felt in a totally worn out place physically, in a way I might not have done at 33, although who knows? I decided not to try, although it was a hard choice. You sound in much better shape, so why not try, if you want one?

LillyGrinter · 06/11/2016 21:07

I spent my 30s trying to conceive and miscarriage after miscarriage. Gave up trying at 39 but fell pregnant by accident 3 years later.. The comments about being an embarrassment at the school gate are silly, there are loads of older mums now, it's very common. There are only 2 mums in the class in their 20s and the kids are in Year 1. Of course I worry about the future but we've paid of our mortgage and to be honest I think most of us will be working until were 70 so she'll be independent by the time I retire. It has been absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me.

MoonHare · 06/11/2016 21:23

Oh op I completely understand how you feel!
I'm 43 and my children are 8, 5 and just turned 4. The last 8 yrs have been the best of my life and I feel very sad that thE days of young childhood are slipping away. I know the future holds many joys to come and every stage has wonderful moments but I know I will miss the pre school years terribly come September.
For these reasons I feel broody often and yes my head tells me all the practical sensible things that many others on this thread have listed but logic doesn't always help heart ache.
However, I would say look at the children you have, delight in them and their future and we can only hope the longing for baby days and toddlerhood will pass.

SarfEast1cated · 07/11/2016 07:04

You have my sympathy OP, I too feel a twang of broodiness when I see a gorgeous baby, and I am 48. i think the broodiness is a perimenopause thing. 100 years ago we'd all be grandmas by now, so maybe it's a way to make sure we look after our grandchildren.My DD was such a terrible sleeper I never had the energy for baby no2 at the time (I wonder if that was Attenborough-esque ploy on DD's part to make sure she got all of our attention?) and the thought of going through that again at nearly 50 makes me feel a bit queasy.
Hope you make a decision that makes you all happy...

Paddington68 · 07/11/2016 07:14

My sister had a child at 48. What's it got to do with anyone else?

CrepeDeChineWag · 07/11/2016 07:27

Spread your love between the two (undoubtedly) amazing children your are lucky enough to have already. Enjoy them to the absolute full in the years to come.

Kr1stina · 07/11/2016 07:29

I had babies at 41 and 43. The first conceived on the second month of trying, the second conceived without trying .

Both were healthy babies born at term . Both are healthy children.

Despite the kind concerns by posters upthread, I am still just about healthy enough to get out my Zimmer frame and pick them up from school as they are now 10 and 12.

I will admit that it's busy working FT and time and caring for three kids and training for marathons and getting to the gym regularly , but obviously that woudl have been really easy if I'd had them at 25 Hmm as I see from all the threads here on MN about over weight and lack of exercise

I'm very proud of the fact that next year my child will be the oldest in his primary school and I will be the oldest mum at the school gate . Sadly my child won't notice the second, because he doesn't know or care, as I've not brought him up to value women by their decorative value.

And I find being the parent of a teenager in my 50s a hell of a lot easier than in my 30s. I have a lot more insight and perspective than I did then. My teenagers' friends think I'm cool because I don't sweat the small stuff. I'm going to be even more fantastic in my 60s Grin .

I wouldn't have a baby just because I'm broody. But I wouldn't NOT have one because of they ageist views of some uninformed people .

Pluto30 · 07/11/2016 07:40

YANBU for wanting a baby, but I think YABU if you go through with it.

There are so many known risks. You can come up healthy in a medical exam, but that can't predict any issues you may have during pregnancy, or any issues that your child may have.

My husband's mother had a baby at 46, and though he was a physically healthy and happy baby, he has developed problems (mentally) since then, which have all been attributed to her pregnancy. She also had a stillbirth before him. She admits that she regrets her choice (NOT the child). Her children, who were a fair bit older, were most unimpressed initially because they were at the age where they could start going on holidays etc. without the hassle of a baby. Then, as the "baby" got older, they were unimpressed because he has presented constant difficulties and problems for the whole family ever since he started primary school. He's a gorgeous kid, and sweet as a button, but his problems cannot be minimised.