To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

[TeaandSympathy4me]

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

[Iusedtobecarmen]

And what a load of tosh saying difficult for children to make friends if you are an older mother as you have nothing in common with other mums!!
I can get on with someone who is 25or 65! And since when do you make friends on the basis that your parents get on?

[TorchesTorches]

Borrow a toddler for a week, then decide! I had my first at 39, second at 40 and loved ed the newborn stage, then was broken physically and mentally by toddlerdom. No more for me at 44!

[DEMum101]

Well I am a pretty old mum already (DD was born when I was 41). I would say I am definitely one of the older mums at the school gates, but not by much and neither I nor DD have been ostracised for it yet. In fact, there seems to have been a small surge in other mothers with older kids (7 and upwards) getting pregnant again so hopefully I will soon have lots of other older mothers to consort with when I (hopefully) give birth next year at 48, albeit I will DEFINITELY be the oldest among them.

I am planning to dye my hair, get fit and look fabulously glamorous. Whether that will work out is another matter of course.

I do think that the embarrassment of older parents that you see mentioned a lot on here is often going back a few years to the posters' own childhoods or that of their teenagers. It honestly is a lot more common now to have children in your 40s than it would have been even 10 years ago, and certainly 20 or 30 years ago.

[Namechangeemergency]

since then, which have all been attributed to her pregnancy

By whom?

Because I have attended 100s of peadatric reviews of children with disabilities and delays and I have never, not once heard a doctor attribute any of the issues to maternal age in pregnancy. Problems in pregnancy, yes, but not age.
As the majority of mothers I worked with (at least 80%) were under 40 I have to base my views on that anecdata rather than yours.

My DS has ASD. His birth mother was 17 when she had him. What does that prove?

People talk such utter bollocks.

[Saltedcaramel2016]

Do what you want, if nature lets you have a baby then how can you be too old? It is personal choice.

I would have a third (now 41) if I wasn't worried about finances, work etc. The age thing isn't my issue.

[myfavouritecolourispurple]

I've not RTFT but ask yourself how you would feel with two young children and a 90 year old parent.

Do you want that for your possible new DC?

I think it's too old. I'm 44 myself and feel pretty healthy and fitter than I did in my 20s but I don't delude myself that I will be as fit at 80 as I will be at 60. I do think you have to consider being a really elderly parent. If you didn't already have dc and had tried IVF for years or whatever that's slightly different (eg Anton du Bec becoming a father at 50) but you do have kids already.

[Loafingaround]

A surge in hormones when seeing a baby and especially a mum and her baby bonding in a lovely moment - is a perfect natural reaction- but different to really wanting another child- once they grow out of being a beautiful gurgling baby. I have a 6 month old DD and still get weirdly jealous when friends announce pregnancies/release pictures of newborns, I hate this reaction, but there is something so gorgeous about newborns and for me, the pregnancy process. I'm deliberating having a 3rd DC, but not sure if just loving the current baby stage and my gorgeous girl thats making me so hormonal or if I actually want another toddler/grown up child too? Maybe question this too OP.

[ShastaBeast]

At my kids' school I'm the weird one for being the wrong age - had both kids before 30. Many of the parents could pass for grandparents so I'd probably fit in better at 53 than 33. However, I'd never choose to be an 'older' parent myself, it was exhausting in my late 20s so I plan to get my life back in my 40s - DD1 will turn 18 when I hit 45, falling pregnant again at any age would be a nightmare. But that's personal to me and no reflection on other people's choices.

Kr1stina - you come across as overly defensive and a tad disparaging of younger mums. If you are happy with your choice (if it was a choice) then why put others down for their choices? There's no evidence that younger parents are more uptight or "sweat the small stuff" more, in fact anxiety can increase as we age. There is research to suggest ASD is correlated to older parents - dads included. Have a google for studies. There's no need to have a dig at 25 year olds who struggle with weight issues. I suspect you do feel attacked on this issue, I certainly feel judged for being 'too young' - I'm mistaken for being younger than I am as well as being noticeably younger than the average locally - so I know how it feels without the need to lash out at older mums.

[FreckledLeopard]

I wouldn't.

My mother had me at 42 and my father was 49. He died when I was seventeen and my mother has dementia. I'm an only child, aged 34 and have been dealing with my mother's declining health for the last five years, whilst trying to raise my own child, sort out my career and live my life. It's not been easy.

Of course it's never easy with elderly parents, but I do feel slightly resentful that I've been having to deal with it since my twenties, whereas a lot of people won't have to worry about it until their forties or fifties.

Additionally, my parents were not 'young' for their age. They were very much set in their ways when I came along (unplanned - they'd been married for 22 years and never conceived) and we were poles apart. Their generation (born in the 1930s) and me (born in the 80s) couldn't have been more different and growing up was not easy.

Not saying that there aren't youthful, hip and healthy parents having children in their 40s, just that it wouldn't be my preference.

[One2another]

I'm about to turn 42 and have a 12yo and 10yo and desperate for another baby!
I've not been using contraceptives for 7 years and it's just never happened. I'm currently attending my local hospital fertility dept who've said I'm too old for ivf, and won't be considered. I'm going in to hosp in 2 weeks to get the X-ray with the dye. All my test res are normal as are my dp. Fingers crossed this X-ray helps as it used to be a treatment.
Thanks for your post IUSEDTOBECARMEN as reading through this thread I thought most people would be against me having another baby at 42ish but you've given me some positivity that some people will be happy for us!

[Kr1stina]

Shasta - I think you are confusing me with someone else . I haven't said single word about young mums.

[ShastaBeast]

Kr1stina -

"I will admit that it's busy working FT and time and caring for three kids and training for marathons and getting to the gym regularly , but obviously that woudl have been really easy if I'd had them at 25 hmm as I see from all the threads here on MN about over weight and lack of exercise."

And

"And I find being the parent of a teenager in my 50s a hell of a lot easier than in my 30s. I have a lot more insight and perspective than I did then. My teenagers' friends think I'm cool because I don't sweat the small stuff. I'm going to be even more fantastic in my 60s grin"

Implication being that younger = not as good. And the dig about the younger women struggling with weight issues, grim. I don't think you are half as comfortable with your choice as you claim. Come on women, and mothers of whatever age, stop digging at each other. I'm 20 years younger than you but don't feel the need to defend my choice by implying someone else's is less worthy. Nor using the weight struggles of younger women to show how well you cope as an older mum compared to them. How about we are all doing a fab job in the circumstances we find ourselves and there are pros and cons to every choice.

[Namechangeemergency]

Doesn't that research say that ASD is more of a risk for mums under 20 than it is for mums over 40 though?

What the research doesn't say is 'if you have a baby when you are over 40 your risk of having a child with ASD rises significantly'

which is what posters are implying.

AFAIK that research was heavily funded by Autism Speaks so I would hesitate to give it much thought.

[Areyoufree]

Someone suggested you borrow a toddler for a week, to see how you get on. An excellent suggestion indeed. And may I be the first to offer you mine? Please?

[Namechangeemergency]

Older women who are planning to have a child should not be overly concerned by these findings. Their risk of having a child with autism remains small. Overall only about 0.2% of the children in this study developed autism
The authors report that other studies looking at the same question have had varied results. A systematic review looking at all such studies together may be able to determine why this is the case and whether the evidence as a whole supports a link between parental age and autism risk

[Maquiladora]

My children always make a point of mentioning the ages of their friends who have 'old' parents. It is a big deal to them.

What weird kids you have, Berti!

[Namechangeemergency]

My kids think everyone is old.
It always makes me laugh when women say things like 'I want to be a young mum so when my DC are teenagers they won't think I am old and out of date'

Ha ha. Delusional.

[Kr1stina]

Shasta, that might be what you read into it but it's not what I said. I am talking about ME conpared to when I was 30 . How on earth is that implying that i wasn't a good mother in my 30s ? You don't even know me, why are you attacking me and my parenting ?

And there is no dig at younger women - women of all ages struggle with weight and fitness and I was replying to the person who suggested that a 50 yo wouldnt be fit enough to deal with a Toddler. There's no guarantee that you will be fit at 25 and a wreck at 50 . Lots of younger women are unfit , lots of older women are fit. I'm sorry if you find that controversial.

I have no idea what you are talking about , with your reference to digs and choices and your disparaging comments to me. How have I implied that anyone else is less worthy ??? I don't need to defend my life or my kids and I have no idea why you are attacking me . Why are you wittering on about how comfortable I feel with my choices - I've not said anything about any choices ?

You seem to read my post about ME and MY LIFE as if it's about YOU, it's not.

Please leave me alone and stop telling me what I think and feel.

[Iusedtobecarmen]

One2another
Glad ive given you some encouragement.

I dont feel too old at all.
Id be seriously worried if i felt that clapped out in.my early forties!
Im probably a lot fitter than some 20somethings. You could be twenty,be overweight,smoke,have diabetes or be my age and apart from the obvious(eggs older etc) i could be fitter and have more energy.
I doubt anyone looks at me in the school playground and thinks i look like a grandma.
Some people start acting geriatic when they hit 40.
I hope ive got another 40yrs left.
And the poster who sadly lost her dad when she was 17,thats awful,but he would have only been in his 50'swhich is unusally young to pass away.

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Oh and one2another,good luck!

[citybumpkin]

I'm hopefully going to have a child (or two) in the next few years and I am 40. Unfortunately I've been unable to follow the "traditional" route of meet someone lovely, marry and have kids by my mid-30s. My exDP left me (after 9 years together) just over 2 years ago at a time when I was really wanting to start a family. For some people, having children early is just not possible.

If you are emotionally, mentally and physically fit, you should have a child at any age. I only waver due to thoughts of others i.e. "the oldest mum at the school gates". We all need to realise that what we choose to do with our own lives is entirely up to us and we shouldn't pander to the thoughts of others or society as a whole.

Anecdotally, my mum had me when she was 21. For the past five years she has been battling terminal cancer - she is now only 62. My dad's health is also deteriorating. My gran had my mum when she was 40 and lived into her mid-90s. No-one can ever know what is around the corner.

So OP, if you want another child at what is actually a tender age considering that a significant proportion of the population are living longer, then go ahead. It is your life and sod those who appear to want to chastise.

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Agree citybumpkin

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Often a lot of the stuff teenagers go through isn't "small stuff". I'm 49 and agree with the poster who said a toddler wouldn't be a problem but a teen in my 60's would. My two are late teens and I'm looking forward to spending time and money on myself and enjoying life in the latter part of my life.

If youve thought the above through and still feel sure it's for you, absolutely go for it.

[Maquiladora]

Here ya go, OP!

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3914010/Having-baby-age-35-makes-women-mentally-sharper-grow-older-surge-hormones.html

[ElizaDontlittle]

The chances of you conceiving is under 5% - I can't remember the exact numbers but it may be even lower.

A lot of angst over something really unlikely.

Could you foster? You've got energy and nurturing capabilities to spare - what else could you use them for?