To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

[TeaandSympathy4me]

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

Another thing about disabilities and age that can happen to any woman at any age.

I think it's selfish for a plethora of reasons.

And the thread will be flooded with anecdotes about people who know people who gave birth at 48 and all of their children grew up to be brain surgeons.

But I will still think it's selfish.

early 40s with two kids and I couldn't image for my life to do it all again..pregnancy, very early years, sleepless nights, nappies, oh and the nurseries fees. For me 45 is way too old but we are all different.

I also have a child with severe LD and had her at 30....

Disability is an issue for anyone considering children.

Mine were born when I was 25, 26, 28 and 29. The 3 surviving children are all disabled. Could happen to anyone.

Genuinely why Walter?

'Disability is an issue for anyone considering children.

Mine were born when I was 25, 26, 28 and 29. The 3 surviving children are all disabled. Could happen to anyone.'

Yes, but the risk is known to increase with maternal age due to having older eggs.

Because although death, ill health, reduced energy, reduced earning time/potential, and disabilities can and do happen to everyone, there are increased chances of all of these things in an older parent.

And I just don't know why anyone would inflict a 60 year old parent on a ten year old child (or thereabouts).

Well, you'd be fifteen not ten in Ops example. Or fourteen.

I think that's the thing, they can and do happen to everyone. I mean, I have two genetic conditions that will probably kill me before I'm 70 but I still want children and they will still be adults when I'm dead. You can survive your parents dying, there are worse things.

I had a baby at 42 and conceived very easily. The tests showed I had a very low chance of having a child with Down's syndrome....I think it was 1 in 900 something despite being absolutely ancient. I was referred to the consultant because Of my age and he was completely disinterested given the great number of births he was seeing my women in their later 40's.....you'll be glad to know that everything was fine. My mother had 4 children and had her last at 44 years. She continues to rung rings around everyone far younger than her. None of her children have any had one moment of issue with her being an " older mum" but then she was hard working, glamorous and fun. Of course things may not work out the same for you but I wouldn't necessarily rule it out because of the concerns expressed on here.

My dad was 42 when I was born and died at 50.

So it does and doesn't illustrate the point, I suppose.

But as a slightly older parent he had a patience and time for me that differed from his older children.

There can be positives.

I'm 47 and my dc are 18 and 11. I had a dodgy moment about 4 years ago when I craved another baby but I gave myself a bloody good slap and thank God I did.

My body couldn't cope. I'm not sure our finances could cope and I don't think my dc would have been particularly impressed. Teens need as much love and attention as toddlers, maybe more so. It's never ending with this parenting lark.

They don't get to 16 and suddenly don't need you anymore, they need you more and it's hard to juggle two dc needs without adding in another one. My oldest is off to uni in the New Year and we will have to subsidise her for the next three years so she doesn't starve. The youngest has ASD and is bloody hard work.

Just a thought for those mentioning disability. A lot of my friends have disabled children. One of the biggest fears for them is what will happen to their disabled child when they are no longer here. They are all fighting the system constantly to get the care needed as children but adults with lifelong support needed face a tougher battle.

ps there are far worse things to inflict on a 10 year old child than a 60 year old.....a bigot for example.

Well OP is 45 now and considering it, she could be closer to 50 by the time she actually decides and then conceives and carries a child to term.

And, as I said, there is no disputing biology. Older mother = increased chance. And I think that's selfish.

It's the toddler stage that'd kill me. Imagine going through that hell again. Plus small kids are constantly snotty, sleepless, etc. Grim.
I work with newborn babies and its a fantastic contraceptive.

Having children is, though, isn't it

We have them because we want them.

I love newborns.

Give me a room full of toddlers though

YANBU to want a baby but I think willingly having a baby at 45 is a bit mad. I know lots of women have babies later on now but I would hate to be 60 with a 15 year old.

I remember a girl in school whose DM was 48 when she had her (was told she would never have children) and she was the "granny at the school gates". On parents days she looked very noticeably older than the other mothers.

I attended a club in my teens and a boy there had very elderly parents (well, they were about 60 but as a teen they seemed ancient) He was very embarrassed by them and pretended that they were his grandparents and that his parents had him when they were both 16

There is also the chance that biology may be against the OP anyway and it just might not happen.

I've had pangs of 'broodiness', which is absolutely nuts as I was so ill after having dc3 four yrs ago and I know I don't want anymore children. Definitely hormones overriding my rationale! Am getting into late thirties now and there's no way I'd feel up to doing it again, even if I wanted to.

Op, I echo many of the others' opinions. Think about the risks and realities of how you would manage.

I know a few people who have had babies at this age for whatever reason some via egg donation or frozen embryos from years earlier so therefore no increased risk of genetic issues so I don't really see any huge issue with it in itself there are worse things in life than older parents

The issue for me in your case would be that you are already fortunate to have 2 children already and given that I personally would not

If you had no children or had an only child you were desperate to provide a sibling for I could understand more but from me it would be a no

I think YABU yes. At 45 there is a hugely increased risk to the baby of Down's Syndrome and it's not like you don't already have two children so why tempt fate unnecessarily? Of course if an unexpected PG happens then I would understand anyone who felt compelled to continue with it, Down's or no Down's, and absolutely no judgement from me. But why actively try for a third child at 45 when the odds are stacked against that child for a life without disability? It strikes me as playing a self-indulgent game of Russian Roulette.

If the child were to have DS or any other serious disability, by the time they are about 30 the care and responsibility for them may well fall to their siblings if you are not well enough or fit enough (or even alive) to care for them yourselves.

Your existing children will be only in their early 40's by the time you will be 80 and they will be at their busiest and most fraught juggling their own young families, mortgages and careers plus elderly parents. Why risk placing an added burden on them for something they didn't sign up for?

I am sure many people with disabled or vulnerable siblings who can never be independent would take on that responsibility in a heartbeat and without complaint because they love their sibling - but would you risk putting that burden on them, given a choice?

Also, as a rather depressing aside, (and sorry to be such a doom-monger but I have to mention this) I am 51 and in the last year I have seen:

four old friends/acquaintances in their early fifties die of cancer

one 50 yo female friend with kids still in school have a massive stroke

one 46 yo with youngish kids diagnosed with a brain tumour

three others from 44 to 54 diagnosed with cancer, one of whom will almost certainly not be around in a two years time and she has children of 11 and 13.

Of course no-one can foresee things like that but seeing just how many people don't get to make old bones, it's made me really reflect on the recent trend for planning/choosing to have a family later and later, just because you can.

My mum died of cancer when she was 51.

But, if she had known that, and decided not to have a child, I wouldn't be here at all! :)

Well without knowing how old you were when she died, I might say that had she known that in advance she'd have had you earlier.

But seriously, saying 'I might never had been born' is a bit daft, because if you had never been born you would neither know nor care! You can't really use that argument I'm afraid.

She couldn't, Slotted. I was 15.

I don't think I was using it as an argument, exactly. More pointing out that you just can't plan things like death. You can have a baby at 45, and live to be 95. Or you can have a baby at 25 and die at 30. You just can't know. All you can do is try to make your time with your child special.