To want a baby at 45 - I already have two DCs (4 and 8)

[TeaandSympathy4me]

I was on the train on the way back from a meeting in town when I saw a lady cradling a young baby. I just felt a surge of - hormones I think - the same way I felt when I wanted to have DC1 - and just before we started trying. I have had to have various health checks recently and the gynaecologist asked me if I wanted any more. I said I was worried about the various complications older women get. I am very healthy but a friend whose sister had a baby at 44 and another friend who actually had a baby just as she was about to turn 44. Both these babies have grown up with learning difficulties - which I know is not dependent on the mother's age... Heck I feel really silly for asking this when there are such brutal things going on in the world.

Pluto 30 there are higher risks but as I've mentioned earlier 40 plus parents are quite common and none of the children have any disabilities or learning difficulties. The most severely disabled my an I know was born to a 21 year old.

Please think about your possible child. My DP was born when parents were in late 40's. It caused a lot of problems.

At school they will have a mother who is as old as the other childrens grandparents. That will mark them as different and be an easy excuse for bullying. How will that translate into them making friends at school? It becomes difficult for children to be friends if their mums have nothing in common because one is sooo much older than the other or you live in a different part of town to the younger mums who have recently moved into the new housing estate near other young mums.

What help will you be able to give your child when they are growing into adulthood? By that age you will be into retirement. The memory of teenage angst will have faded for you when they will be needing support.

And how does DH feel about sleepless nights at his stage of life? Is he happy to never have a life with just you like when you first met?

Not saying don't, ... but asking you to ask more questions.

I'm 40 and dd is nearly 16yo. I am loving the fact that she's independent and I have more time for myself. Whether it's to have weekends away, go to the gym, a long bike ride, read a book, lunch with friends. It's amazing. I love dd but feel I'm getting my life back.

The thought of having a young child to loo, after until my kid 50s to me would be a nightmare.

You would spend your whole life looking after kids. What about you?

I'm interested to know what " mental " problem your BIL has that have all been attributed to his mother's pregnancy . And why a baby stopped them going on holiday - babies don't generally have 'mental ' problems.

Sure, but you admit there are higher risks, Lilly. It's not a calculated risk, it's just a risk, and one you're passing on to your potential child.

He's ASD, but there are likely other undiagnosed problems too. The general consensus is that it can't be traced genetically, and considering the stillbirth she had not long prior to this child, it's a sign that she wasn't healthy and, as a result, he isn't.

Babies do stop you from doing things. The other children were 10, 13 and 15 when he was born, so they were at the point where they could easily take a holiday to Japan. But adding a baby into the mix meant that they were back at square one. Never said anything about a baby having mental problems, if you'd read my post you'd know that.

At school they will have a mother who is as old as the other childrens grandparents. That will mark them as different and be an easy excuse for bullying. How will that translate into them making friends at school? It becomes difficult for children to be friends if their mums have nothing in common because one is sooo much older than the other or you live in a different part of town to the younger mums who have recently moved into the new housing estate near other young mums

What???? I'm one of the oldest mums in the school and I'm still not the age of anyone's granny . And why would my child be bullied because of that - what a bizarre thing to say ?

EVERYONE is different - if you teach your child to pick on someone because they are different there's something wrong with you , not them .

My children have loads of friends . I have loads of mum friends . I don't think any of them are bigots who judge people by their age / ethnicity / disability . I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that, thanks very much .

If you don't think your post is prejudiced , try this " don't have kids with someone Asian / black / Jewish because "

" At school they will have a mother who is as Asian/ black and the other kids are white . That will mark them as different and be an easy excuse for bullying. How will that translate into them making friends at school? It becomes difficult for children to be friends if their mums have nothing in common because one is Asian /black or you live in a different part of town to the white mums who have recently moved into the new housing estate near other white mums. "

I'm 45 and know exactly how you feel. I ache for a third child even though the two I have drive me to distraction, and I know physically I'm not up to it, financially we'd struggle and we have a tiny house. So it's not going to happen and I accept that's the best decision but it doesn't stop the ache.

On the older mother at school thing though, is that really an issue any more? There are so many women having children in their forties now that I'd be surprised if anyone batted an eyelid.

I'd love to know about any medical research that has shown that ASD is caused by pregnancy !

Or that having a still birth is proof that you are not healthy and shouldnt have any more children .

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure that not being able to holiday in Japan is the biggest deprivation. Or that any babies can't go to Japan . Where do you think Japanese babies live ?

Wouldn't she have been better not to have babies in her30s and go to Japan first ? So then your advice could be " don't have children until your 40s as it stops you going to Japan " .

Oh pipe down. I was sharing my DH's story.

If you want to have a baby at 45, go right ahead. I wasn't responding to you in my initial post, so get off my case.

I'm nearly 40, my eldest is 19, I had a "wobble" like this recently
I thought I'm still young enough why not, even joked to partner about it
But then I thought of the reality, the baby and toddler stage and dealing with a teen when in nearly 60
I think maybe your body and mind do this to you at a certain age
Your children are only young, enjoy them now while they are still little
Yanbu in thinking about it, but it's a big decision to go ahead with x

itsnot are you for real? I would say it's better to be an older mum for a lot of reasons but experience being the main one.
the memory of teenage angst will have faded
We are older not fecking senile. I am also a granny and my 9 year old DD who I had when I was 43 turning 44 has had zero problems at school. She is popular with lots of friends. She is happy and stable. Nothing in this life is certain. The only certainty is that one day we will all die so make the most of what you have and don't let anything stop Especially not age.

pluto You were sharing your views which many people would find offensive . Especially women who have had a still birth or parents of a child with ASD.

I'm as entitled as you to post here and to disagree with you. That's how discussion boards work . Welcome to Mumsnet . If you post offensive things, people will challenge you.

Then look away. It's a fact, supported by scientific evidence, that older women are at an increased risk for stillbirths, birth defects etc.

If you were offended by what doctors etc. have told someone, get a grip. I'm merely posting an anecdote. I think getting offended by something a stranger on the internet said is ridiculous. As I said, if you want a baby at 45, go ahead. But you can't sit there and say that the evidence is wrong.

My friend has these hormonal surges when she sees little babies. She has two secondary aged kids and is 46. It is definitely just a hormone thing, don't act on it!!! I have not felt this yet fortunately.

Would be different if you didn't have any kids and this was to be your first.

I'm sorry but all the weird guff about mental problems caused by The Pregnancy At Her Age the ''must not be healthy as she had a still birth'', 'won't be living on a housing estate so wont fit in with all the kids at school' and lastly the can't go to japan (?!?) stuff makes you sound like my 95 year old gran pluto!! Listen to yourself! You sound like something out of the 30's.

Ah it was itsnot who said about the housing estate thing. Not pluto. But it was just as much weirdness from the pair of you!

I never went to Japan as a child as we didn't have the money. Maybe my parents should have delayed having children in their.20s to time when they could afford exotic holiday

Pluto - you haven't cited any evidence to support your claims, that pregnancy and still births cause ASD. And we are not talking about birth defects.

You said quite clearly that your BILS ASD was caused by his mother pregnancy and the fact she had a still birth first which proves that she wasn't healthy .

Many women have still births then have several healthy babies . Still births are often not related at all to the mother's health, but to factors related to the baby . Women who have had still births don't need you to worry them even more.

Many young women have children with ASD. They often feel guilty enough without you telling them it's their own fault . And that their others kids will resent them all their lives .

Unkind, unhelpful and generallly untrue .

As I've said before 'itsnotthateasybeingdifferent', older mothers are so commin now, we have two mums in their 20s and I get on really well with them, I don't pick up on age. It's of different cultures as well. I was in year one in 1974 and most of the mums were youngbut there was one girl Anita who had much older parents and siblings, she was the coolest girl in the school!!!!

Depends where you live as well. My mum was one of the "older mums" and she had me at 29! And I remember my old nursing mentor telling me she was the oldest in the ward having her first, at 24!

I don't buy the 'being bullied because you have the old mum at the school gates' arguement has been valid in a long time. I'm a 44 (nearly 45) year old mum of a reception age child. Admittedly I didn't plan it that way, TTCing, failed IVF and the adoption process used up a decade of my 'prime' years. And most of the adoptors I've encountered have been a similar age to me.

But surprisingly at the school dates, I don't think I stand out as one of the oldest at all. Possibly because I look so fabulous but just may be because its a cohort of older parents generally.

I don't see why mythical poorly socialised children should be a deterrent to being a parent.

You aren't too old at all. I know lots of women who have had children in their mid and even late forties. No issues I'm aware of.

In addition there are oodles of parents in their forties and fifties across my dc schools. No one bats an eyelid and if I'm honest the younger parents are in the minority these days.

Life is a risk. If you want it go for it.

Have you considered adopting a baby or fostering a child if you have space in your heart and family for another?

Also I don't buy this standing out at the school gate rubbish I think you're more likely to get looked down upon if you're a young mum and not taken as seriously as well. And the child being teased because the boys fancy the young mum etc. You could say it for old or young really.

I dont think its too old but im saying that as im the same age and dont feel old at all!
I have 3 dc and im trying for a fourth. It always amazes me when people act like they are over the hill at what i would call a relatively young age.
Having kids is tiring at any age and it depends on how fit and healthy you are. Im no different to how i was ten yrs ago. It also depends on how easy your children are. Obviously a difficult baby is going to make you more knackered.
I do wonder what some of the forty something mothers who say its too old to cope do with their free time?sit under a cosy blanket after work?!
I never stop,love being on the go and doing family stuff. All that might change in 20yrs and i will worry about that when it does, but at the min im fit and well and certainly could cope with another child. I consider too old to be when i can no longer conceive.