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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:
peekyboo · 06/11/2016 20:24

Over time you could help him to stand up to his mother but the wedding is too close and far too important to fix without hurt feelings - your partner's. mainly. If you get the wedding you want, his mother will be drama personified. If you get the wedding she wants, you'll both regret it. There is no redo button on life but you will replay it plenty times in your head!

Moomichi · 06/11/2016 20:24

The most important thing someone told me before mine was to remember who it was about. Weddings often become about the guests when in reality it is and should be all about the bride and groom.
Do not pander to anyone else, you will regret it in the long run. X

PickAChew · 06/11/2016 20:25

You need to elope Grin

Though, seriously, you do need your relationship with your dp to be on a footing where you make mutual decisions without other family muscling in on them and overriding you, if you want a marriage that works, rather than your mil's idea of what your wedding should be.

Original poster
5432112345 · 06/11/2016 20:26

I know MIL guilt trips him a bit but I've always felt like she is trying to be in a competition with me? Does that sound weird? For example DP used to smoke and I hate it, he has now given up but everytime we go out with MIL she brings it up and says 'oh were leaving soon so if you want a fag have one now' like she is saying it because she knows I hate it. That sounds stupid but there is loads of little things like that.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/11/2016 20:27

No. It doesn't.

Original poster
5432112345 · 06/11/2016 20:29

Also comments about how much housework she does and how FIL doesnt have to do it. Obviously aimed at the equal division of labour in our house. I just dont kmow whether its worth fighting this battle over the wedding or not. I care about FPs opinion not hers

OP posts:
38cody · 06/11/2016 20:29

It's gp's, parents, siblings+b/s in laws - end of. Not about numbers, less fair to invite some aunts and not others imo.
Stick to your guns and make sure DP sticks to his.

DistanceCall · 06/11/2016 20:29

I would think very very seriously about getting married if the situation between your partner and your MIL is going to be like that.

You and your partner need to present a united front. Just imagine what it will be like when you have children and your MIL wants to do things her way and your partner gives in just to have a quiet life.

PickAChew · 06/11/2016 20:31

Does your dp ever stand up to her, or does he go into teenage boy mode and shrug and grunt without being assertive?

DistanceCall · 06/11/2016 20:31

I'm not saying split up, by the way. But I think you need to have a very serious talk with your partner before the wedding. Both of you, as a couple, need to have some very strong boundaries against your MIL, and you need to be sure that your partner is on your side.

redjumper · 06/11/2016 20:32

felt like she is trying to be in a competition with me?

Yes I know what that feels like and you can be sure it's a whole lot worse when you have children and she's competing with you to be a better mum than you to your own children. I don't know the answer I'm afraid but your partner needs to be on your side.

bloodyteenagers · 06/11/2016 20:33

I would be saying we either stick to the original plan of immediate family or it's all getting cancelled.

Remind him that be now wanting the relatives that no-one ever sees on his side of the family, then you will also have to do the same. And guess what? Numbers still won't be equal.

The existing number are xx. Chuck in all the extra hanger ons and it shoots up to xxx. Quite different to the intimate wedding you both wanted.

Original poster
5432112345 · 06/11/2016 20:33

No he doesnt stand up to her but he certainly doesnt always do what she says. He just sort of shrugs it off most of the time. He's not a sap and I think he normally sees what she is like, but not this time apparently

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/11/2016 20:37

He's going to have to stand up to her at some point. Because if you allow her to have it her way this time, it's going to go on and on, and she will interfere more and more.

I understand that it's easier to avoid confrontation, particularly with your own mother. But he's going to have to put his foot down this time. It's very important.

Catsize · 06/11/2016 20:38

I wanted something similar for my own wedding and I have the larger family. My OH decided that we should have the same numbers, say 30:30 as, like your MIL, it wouldn't be fair otherwise.
This meant that most of my 30 were taken up with family and some close friends were not invited. Meanwhile, OH filled her 30 with a load of randoms she hadn't seen in years - many of whom we haven't seen since. I was a bit Hmm but can see both sides (just about!).

CotswoldStrife · 06/11/2016 20:38

Is it possible that he does really want a bigger wedding? I know you want a small wedding but was the original guestlist suggested by your DP or you?

I am Shock at the PP who told her stepdaughter to choose - did the bride not have her only surviving parent at her wedding because she didn't do what he said?!

ifeellikechickentonight · 06/11/2016 20:42

YADNBU it's not about numbers it's about closeness

Make sure DP is the one to have this conversation with her though, not you! There will be plenty of dramas ahead from the sounds of things Wink

To diffuse tension I would ensure guests are encouraged to sit either side of the aisle not 'my lot vs your lot' formation so the numbers difference isn't obvious on the day. But really you're doing nothing wrong and future MIL sounds a bit nuts

HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/11/2016 20:43

Don't give in on this. She will have 'won' and she will know that she can go through her son to get what she wants from you. His loyalty should be to you, not her.

Tell him, "so you don't like upsetting your mother but you have no issue upsetting the woman you want to be your wife?"

I'd refuse to get married until it was sorted. This isn't MILS2DAY and she gets no say in it.

My MIL tried to stick her oar in over my bridesmaids. I had 4, my sisters and 2 friends. MIL told DH that she thought her brother would have something to say over DH's cousins not being asked (he never mentioned it) and she wanted to know why SIL wasn't a BM. I barely see SIL, we aren't close and it's a brides job to choose her bridesmaids, not MILs. DH did say "why aren't we having my sister" and I told him it's my choice and we already have 4 and his choice is his best man. He left it at that.

kateandme · 06/11/2016 20:47

you didn't choose how many children she had or his family had therefore how many ancestors one might have! family is family in the makeup of any number. it shouldn't matter. if you've got the same balance in concept and you and DP ave decide this then that's that.

SpiritedLondon · 06/11/2016 20:51

I'm going to go against the grain slightly here. When I got married, my dad asked me to invite my step brother and sister. I hardly ever see them and felt disinclined and so didn't invite them. Even though I feel I was entitled to do this I feel it would have been a nice gesture for my step mum and dad to invite them. It didn't really help me feel connected to that side of the family. I'm not saying that I think you're wrong and the MIL is right but is this issue worth a possible falling out and bad feeling? Is there any room in the budget to allow her a couple of people that she wants? If you can it might be a nice gesture.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2016 20:51

He has made it look like he is the boss of you. How very traditional.

You believed that you and he had made a firm decision after much discussion based on both of your strongly held ideas about what you both want for your wedding.

Now he changes that decision unilaterally without discussion of the pros and cons?!

Apparently all the things he said were his true strongly held feelings, aren't true anymore? What other feelings is he lying to you about? If he says none, why should you believe him?

That's the tack I would take in challenging him.

Also, make sure you don't act like the decision is made now. He's not your boss. The question has been unexpectedly reopened and you haven't come to a final decision yet.

BaggyCheeks · 06/11/2016 20:51

I'd be going down the "but we don't want a big wedding, and if we invite Aunt Gladys to keep things fair then we have to invite x, y, z, 1, 2, 3 too, which means we go from 9 guests to 30." route.

BakeOffBiscuits · 06/11/2016 20:51

You need to speak to DP and tell him what you've said here, that you dont want to spend the day being looked at by people you have barely met.

Don't give in on this, your MIL is being a pain in the backside, and your DP needs to be on your side on your wedding day, not his mothers!

LowDudgeon · 06/11/2016 20:51

Call their bluff (DP's & MIL's).

Tell them you're going to a) elope or b) call the whole thing off.

EweAreHere · 06/11/2016 20:58

If your husband can be so easily swayed against a reasonable, sensible decision that you two had made together, as a couple, by a single night alone with his parents, I would think seriously about putting the wedding off entirely. He does not have your back; he has theirs.

You two really, really need to talk about where his allegiance lies. YOu had a sensible plan for a small wedding that is what you two agreed you wanted. It's your wedding. Your day. You are paying for it. But he's unilaterally decided to side with his parents so you are stuck with something you both said you didn't want?

I wouldn't marry someone under these circumstances ... this sets a dangerous precedent. It really does.

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