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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:
BoredOfWaiting · 05/11/2016 16:20

YANBU at all.

redjumper · 05/11/2016 16:20

YANBU!

She is going to be a pain in the neck of a MIL by the sounds of it. Good luck with the next 30 years! Maybe plan on emigrating before you have kids Wink

SlottedSpoon · 05/11/2016 16:21

I think given that the numbers are quite unbalanced, if it's your DP's only aunt and uncle and he is close to them and would genuinely like them to come then it wouldn't hurt and I think the numerous aunts and uncles on your side would understand why an exception was made for them.

However, feeling obliged to invite them just because your future MIL doesn't want to be outnumbered by your family is daft and and you are entitled to stick to your guns if your DP really doesn't feel a huge desire to have them there.

2kids2dogsnosense · 05/11/2016 16:22

It's not a competition - you ask whoever you like and ignore her twisty face.

HeyToTheHo · 05/11/2016 16:22

Absolutely YANBU - it is fair - you have the same 'tiers' of family attending.

But even if you didn't, it is you and your dp's wedding so who is attending it has fuck all to do with her

A word of warning - my best friend has a mil like this: kicked up merry hell about their wedding for exactly that same reason (equal numbers of guests required for each side) and my friend ended up being pressured into inviting reams of people, many she'd never met before, to the wedding to even out.

This atrocious behaviour of the mil did not end at the wedding. Every family event - xnings, birthdays, xmas day, etc - she has pulled this shit. My friend and her dh are much firmer with her now but she's still a loon and feels a sense of injustice and sulks.

So, stand firm now or you'll be dealing with it for your whole married life!

Good luck cos friend's MIL is a massive PITA

myfavouritecolourispurple · 05/11/2016 16:22

Another vote for saying no. I "had to" have friends of my parents and of my DH's parents at the wedding and I wasn't that happy about it either. In the end we had quite a few drop-outs and would have struggled to make the minimum number required for our venue but if you're not in that situation invite who you and your DP want. It's your wedding. Your MIL has already had hers.

I am an only child, DH has 3 siblings. I did invite a cousin but even that was quite a late decision as his daughter asked if she could be bridesmaid. My aunt said she'd pay for her dress so there was really no need to say no. So I wouldn't be too inflexible if you like people. but have who you want there. Not who MIL feels should be there.

QuinionsRainbow · 05/11/2016 16:22

YANBU - your wedding, your choice of guests! At our wedding, we both had two parents. I had one sibling plus spouse, DH had two unspoused siblings plus two small nieces. Nobody complained, either before or at the time.

TheSpottedZebra · 05/11/2016 16:22

If you're paying for it, it's fine. But if she's contributing, then she buys a say.

BantyCustards · 05/11/2016 16:22

MIL can 'want' all she likes but sadly for her it's not her wedding

Soozikinzi · 05/11/2016 16:24

YANBU

myfavouritecolourispurple · 05/11/2016 16:24

But if she's contributing, then she buys a say

I disagree. It's still not her wedding.

cuphat · 05/11/2016 16:25

YANBU.

We did exactly the same thing. My side was larger as I still have grandparents but it was never an issue.

We both have aunties we're close to but it would have been unfair to invite some and not others so we didn't invite any.

saoirse31 · 05/11/2016 16:26

Its not unreasonable for your mol to want her sis there I'd have thought esp when youll have almost twice as many people there as your dp will have. Honestly if situation reversed I think u might think that reasonable. Your wedding tho

BackforGood · 05/11/2016 16:26

YANBU at all, you MiL is.
DP might need to explain it slowly to her in one syllable words, that you, as a couple, are inviting to your wedding, all the people with the same relationship to each of you. It isn't a sport, you don't need to have even numbers on each "side".

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 05/11/2016 16:29

It's fine as you are doing parents, grandparents and siblings. I think that's perfectly acceptable. We did some aunts and uncles (closest ones, worked out at 1 sibling of each natural parent) and my step dad kicked off massively about this. When I spoke to my step family in person they were perfectly happy. Step dad just ignored the fact that we had also cut out 4 of my dads siblings, 1 of DHs dads siblings and my entire step family on my step mums side...

expatinscotland · 05/11/2016 16:30

Put your foot down. NO. It's not about numbers. She doesn't get a say. It's your wedding.

iklboo · 05/11/2016 16:30

I had 9 guests at our wedding ceremony. Including my parents. Most of the rest (we had 50) were DH's side. FIL tried to tell us we had to invite so-and-so distant relation that DH had barely met. We told him when he was paying for the wedding he could have a say. Since he wasn't.....

YANBU.

MrsLyons · 05/11/2016 16:30

Immediate family on my side? 4
Immediate family on his? 13

It's absolutely fine. As a PP said, she's had her wedding. This is yours.

LindyHemming · 05/11/2016 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catslife · 05/11/2016 16:34

YANBU.
It's up to you and your DP to decide who to invite (not anyone else).
Other people may choose to invite equal numbers (doesn't guarantee equal numbers will come though) but you have chosen what you would like to do and that's fine.

AmeliaJack · 05/11/2016 16:34

We have been married for nearly 20 years and I get on well with my PILs but for the majority of our relationship we often let them have their own way because it was easier.
This all had to stop when we had children at which point it came as rather a shock to them that we were putting our foot down.

In future years I intend to advise both my DD and DS to draw lines in the sand with PILs (and us!) straight from the start.

Topseyt · 05/11/2016 16:39

No, she does NOT "buy a say" if she is helping out financially. My parents and PIL both gifted us some money towards our wedding. Neither made the slightest attempt to influence the guest list.

MIL is not the one getting married.

Stick to your guns OP. You sou d perfectly reasonable to me.

MistressMerryWeather · 05/11/2016 16:40

Why is she concerned about equal numbers, will there be a wrestling match between the families at the ceremony?

Just stick with what you are doing.

TheNaze73 · 05/11/2016 16:40

YANBU, it's your wedding but, I do see her point

Mishaps · 05/11/2016 16:42

Oh, tell her to butt out - silly woman.