MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

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Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

Hmmmm. This wedding is yours, and you should be inviting the people you want in attendance.

That being said, my husband's daughter (who I brought up from the age of her being 11 as her mother died before I met hubs) wanted to invite her uncles and aunt (my hubs' brothers and sister) who do not like me and hubs. We told her to make a choice, them or us and she chose them. A decision she now regrets but a decision that was hers alone to make.

My gut feeling is that you should make your own decision. Right or wrong doesn't matter, this is your wedding and unless she's paying the whole bill, she needs to butt out.

Are people not reading the OPs posts?

She said that her dp doesnt really know this aunt. He has other relatives who he sees more often. Her dp is also in agreement with the OP.

I think that if you let her have her way on this she will always want her way.

My father in law was so horrible to us about our very reasonable guest list that I almost called off the wedding since I felt bad my husbands wife hated his father. We went ahead as we had planned and his father apologised. There's still a dark cloud hanging over our wedding from thinking about him treating us bad - so parents - stay out of your children's wedding decisions. Don't ruin their day with your demands. It's not about you.

Your wedding your call simple.

Good God! No YANBU! My DP's family is much bigger than mine. He had 1 GP, 2 X parents, 3 brothers, 1 SIL, 4 aunts, 2 uncles & 4 cousins. I had 3 parents, 1 brother, 1 aunt & 1 cousin. And my side of the family contributed more towards the cost as well. No one on my side even mentioned it. Some families are bigger, some have less money....that's just life. TBH, I did feel a little bit outnumbered but I'd never have said. You stuck to your guns. It's your special day. It's about how you feel, not about 'making up the nunbers' with people you barely know! Tell her to politely and firmly it's close family only. It's not her day. It's yours and your partners. shes being petty.
Xxx

Your MIL is very unreasonable. Don't give,in its your wedding not hers. How dare she interfere like this, she has no right. Your invite plans are very fair and uninvited guests should understand.

It's yours and DPs wedding and frankly the future MIL needs to butt out.

Start as you mean to go on - your wedding - your decision.

i would reply and say 'it isn't about numbers, it's about having immediate family there.' she can take it how she likes.

def don't accept any money!

Thank you for all the advice everyone but unfortunately I think it may have been in vain. DP has now changed his mind as 'it wouldnt be right to not invite all the other family members'. It's funny how he was dead set on the orginal plan until he spent the evening at his parents without me. Argh!!!

Any advice on how to compromise on this now? Myself and DP are both quiet people and dont really like a fuss. The thought of a load of people I dont know staring at me all day fills me with dread. How do you compromise on something like this? Obviously the day needs to reflect what we both want, but now we want completely different things!

go with the "actually I thought about it and I just want it to be us and 2 witnesses and the kids" version.

Elope

If the in-laws have this much control over him after he's been with you for 8 years then he might become resentful of you if you 'force' him to have the wedding he originally wanted. He's been well-trained and used to doing as he is told, which is what he has reverted to once left alone with them.
Not saying he isn't lovely and a great partner, but if you've been brought up in a controlling family then it is all too easy to slip back into that conditioning.
Plus he will have been guilted so much and so long on that visit he probably still felt guilty the morning after.
If forced to have the wedding you don't want, be sure to tell all guests you are now naturists and only naked people are allowed through the doors to the ceremony.
Oh, and his mother isn't a little difficult - she's only being a little difficult because she's confident of getting what she wants. Expect her to be a lot difficult if you stand up for yourselves at any time in the future.

Don't get married until you've sorted this one out.

Seriously.

This is the thing that will break your marriage.

Sit him down and say what the fuck changed? Ask him directly if he is scared of his DM?

i agree, elope, or cut the wedding back further to just your p and yourselves, that'll equal up the numbers. We were pushed into having a bigger wedding than we wanted, we're both massive introverts, we didn't enjoy it and don't have particularly happy memories of the day. If we did it again we'd only have the witnesses, but we felt strongly it was an essentially private thing which is perhaps odd. In general, I don't envy you your future MIL battles, I'd say from bitter experience only fight the ones you really have to.

you poor soul.

I agree that you've got a bigger problem here. What happens if you have kids, or have the possibility of a job move etc, if he's going to say one thing to you and then change his mind after seeing his parents, then it could be an issue going forward.

I wouldn't expect my DH to change his mind dramatically after spending time with his parents (MIL can be a little bit heavy on the guilt tripping), but we might chat through any comments they made to be sure we're seen it from all angles. We had this with regards to some historical holiday childcare that didn't happen this year. MIL was really upset, DH and I were clear what we were doing, MIL tried guilt tripping DH including tears, DH and I talked about it and are still doing what we planned because that is best for our children this year.

Well, you've got a problem there because if they can guilt him into this, his own wedding, they can guilt him into anything.

She is being petty and pathetic. Have your parents met? Good luck with the wedding. I hope she doesn't become more troublesome.

This really doesnt bode well for me does it.

You need to focus on exact numbers, when saying Aunty x, uncle y, cousin z it's easy not to realise how much the list is increasing by.

Go grab a pen & paper and say okay let's look at this... get him to list all the family, if he can't remember the names just put some kind of code in place.

Then do the equivalent from your side. Once complete, show him how the list has now jumped from your starting number to...

Then just tell him straight, you don't want the day to include that many people, it makes you feel uncomfortable and just isn't what you both agreed, so how can the numbers be brought down to something more manageable?

Hopefully when he sees the new list he'all go back to the original plan bit if not you need to let him know that a new compromise needs to be made

Ok just rtft and I agree with those who say postpone. Seriously, bringing kids into mix will be horrendous. Talk calmly to him and say we agreed immediate family not a certain number each. Then I would go with just the two if you and some nice witnesses from MN

He needs to learn to stand up to mummy. Good luck with that