MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

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Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

I think you need to postpone the wedding.

Married 25 years ago had 12 invited guests but arrived back from church to find two aunts and two of mothers friends who weren't invited by me. At time I was so angry.

Eerschick you made your daughter who had lost her mother chose between family members?! Not nice!

OP, I do sympathise, I really do. I come from a v controlling family (which I recognise) and so does DH (which he does not recognise).

We got married last year, and the fact that your DH was ambushed when you weren't there really struck a chord. I went to stay with my family for a long weekend a week or two before the wedding to iron out details (we got married near my parents home - a bit of a mistake). The way my parents treated me that weekend, was so cruel, so selfish and so nasty, my relationship with them was irrevocably damaged.

I do feel for him. I really do.

I think you have the following choices:

Grit your teeth and go through with the wedding, focus on the good bits, and get some therapy for him after. That is what I did. Not ideal but I am now happily married and I am on the other side of this equation from you (I am the one in therapy re my family).

Tell him you want him to start therapy regarding his lack of assertiveness around his family NOW and tell him why.

Get couples therapy now

Give him an ultimatum that he choses between his mother or you. If his aunt turns up, you won't etc.

It is tough,but I just wanted to add a counter view to all the LTB posts. It sounds like he is in a borderline abusive relationship with his family, which isn't his fault, and won't be sorted quickly with one 'standing up to the bully' episode.

Stick to your guns! At our wedding there were three tables of dp's family and just one of mine that's just how it goes!

Or elope!

My friend got married a few years ago, bride, groom, their parents, brothers sister and their kids. They had the ceremony then we all met them afterwards for the meal and music, brilliant day and no on was bothered about missing the ceremony, could you possibly do this? As for the MIL making digs etc mine still does this and we have been married 15 years!

I think i've made MIL sound really bad, she's not awful or anything and DP doesnt do everything she says. Their family is very traditional and that's what DP is used to, I think he's just struggling to move away from his traditional upbringing to think about doing things in a different way.

So does he expect you to stay home and have tea on the table? How about changing nappies and getting up in the night?

Is he real for his pipe and slippers?

No nothing like that, he is generally pretty progressive (not sure thats the right word?)

Im a pretty vocal
feminist which he is well aware of so its not like he subscribes to those traditional views himself but sometimes just reverts to type if he's not really thinking about it

Sorry - no advice on way forward but can totally relate to you wanting to keep it intimate. DH & I originally planned & even booked a venue to accommodate all our family & friends (approx 80 - 100) people as we felt that was what was expected of us. However, as the weeks and months went on, both DH & I realised that neither of us wanted that type of wedding (the thought of that many people watching me walk down the aisle & exchange my vows was making me really anxious - even 18 months in advance). We eventually decided on immediate family & very close friends only in a more intimate setting (it helped that the new setting we chose was a fairy tale castle that could only holds 25 guests so we could use that as an excuse to not invite the whole family We also changed our minds far enough in advance to not have sent out any invites so we didn't have to 'univite' anyone).

The ceremony we ended up with was heavily weighted towards my DH family (1 GP, 2 parents, 2 DBs, 2DSILs & 4 DNieces & DNephews compared to my 2 parents 1 DB & 1 DSis - although I did also invite, 2 very dear family friends/neighbours of my DP who were like surrogate GP to me growing up but that wasn't to make up the numbers, that was because they were important to me and played a big role in my upbringing). I think if we had gone ahead with our original venue then I would have been pretty stressed out/anxious/miserable on my wedding day .

We did compromise a little by having a big evening reception for all of our family & friends after the intimate ceremony & wedding breakfast but I could cope with that as the focus wasn't so much on me as it was more like a family get together as our families are scattered all around the place so it was actually quite nice to get them all together. Is this something you could consider?

I was once in a long term relationship with someone who put his family ahead of our relationship. I tried to turn a blind eye to it because he was from a very different sort of background to me and I assumed it was a cultural thing and that I would be able to cope with it.

It became clear that he would never cut the apron strings and that I was seen (and would always be seen, even if we married and had children) as a lesser person than his birth family members in the same way that other people who'd married into the family were treated. He even let his brother speak abusively to me. I find it difficult to imagine I put up with it - his parents were nice enough - they weren't the problem - his refusal to grow up and become an independent man was the problem.

But I stuck in there - until he started a relationship with another woman behind my back and I discovered a letter from her.

The thing I eventually understood was that he found it easy to cheat on me because he didn't see me as a person to be respected or valued the way he respected and valued his mum. She would always be the only 'real' woman in his life unless something very drastic happened to change things and I wasn't going to have the power to make it happen.

I am now happily married to a man who is 100% someone I can rely on to do anything to support me and back me up. I am his family and he is mine and it makes a massive difference when life turns nasty to know you have someone at your side who will always be on your side because you share values and you also are completely loyal to each other.

I do think that if a couple are not loyal to each other and can't back each other up then it does not bode well for the future.
If you can live with the idea of this being a practise marriage or you are happy to marry him and see how it turns out with the hope you will both be able to work it out then that is a valid choice and one I made with my first marriage.

If you are the sort of person who can't bear the thought of marrying someone unless they are certain as they can be it is the 'right' guy for you then it might be a good idea to postpone the wedding for a bit until you get this mixed loyalties business sorted out.

I needed a husband who could hold his own when push came to shove - that is important to me.
Maybe that isn't so important to you.
We all have different feelings about these things.

I am so sorry that what should have been a joyous happy lead up to a lovely event has turned into a paddle in crocodile-infested waters.

I hope it can get sorted out and you get a happy ending xx

Thanks for the input MIL, this is our wedding...

She is basically saying it's 'unfair' you have a bigger family than hers! Does not make sense! As a plastic Paddy with 2 brothers, 2 sisters and 40 first cousins, I'd have waited a long time before I met someone with an equal size family!

Hi OP,
I will echo a lot of what other posters have said: start as you mean to go on. And this applies not just to your relationship with your future MIL, but also to your relationship with your partner.
Take a step back and consider what you want and what you are prepared to tolerate, both in terms of the wedding and your relationship with him.
The wedding is only a day but everything that happens in the run-up to it is like a magnifying glass of whatever problems you will encounter in your relationships with your partner and his mother.
If you had a rational adult discussion with your partner once you two decided to get married and came to the conclusion that you just wanted parents, grand-parents, siblings and nieces/ nephews, then I don't care what justification he comes up with to side with his mother, he owes you an explanation for his change of mind. And if the only thing he can come up with is that he's trying to keep his mum happy, then you both need to realise there's something wrong with this picture. Because the only woman he needs to worry about here is you.
I second what previous posters said: consider very carefully whether you want to enter into a married relationship with a man who defaults back to 1) traditional views about a woman's role that don't match your won, 2) doesn't support you 100%.
Unfortunately, I speak from experience.
By the time we got married, we'd been together for 6 years, engaged for 3. Setting the wheels in motion for the wedding made my now MIL behave in a completely bizarre fashion. I was worried my family was going to be an issue, but in fact my MIL turned out to be a complete nightmare and my mum was awesome. I wanted a small wedding with GPs, parents, siblings and nieces/ nephews like you. That's 0 GPs on my side (as my grandma was unwell and couldn't travel that far), my mum as my dad is dead, my 2 sisters and their husbands and 8 kids in total (flower girls and page boys - thank God we don't do the bridesmaid thing in France, that saved me an argument about my SIL). On my husband's side: his grandma, his mum and step-dad, his dad and step-mum, his sister and boyfriend at the time.
My mum gave us a budget on a par with my sisters' large weddings to spend as we wished, despite the fact that it was in the UK where none of her friends came. The only thing she asked for was for my auntie on my dad's side to be invited to the wedding as she was the only relation who bothered to make the trip, and I'm glad I said yes.
On the other hand, my MIL imposed that we hold a reception in the evening for her mates (as a pay-back for the weddings that she had been invited to), she and my husband's step-dad only paid for 2 friends of theirs to sing during the drinks do before the buffet, and that was that. They didn't give us the money to spend on something useful like the food or flowers. Oh no. And the reception was basically paid for by my mum, with maybe 15-20 people attending on my side out of 100.
My FIL threatened not to come to the wedding because we didn't invite his wife's children, whom I hadn't even met. (Trying to put his wife first? can I blame him?) But thank God, my husband's grandma must have said something and he and his wife did come, but that did put a strain on the relationship.
We had the evening reception and it was OK. I didn't have the wedding I wanted and I realise I still resent it 12 years down the line (which is stupid, I really need to move on!). The fall-out came as a surprise because until then I'd got on with MIL really well. But you can see some warning signs so I hope you will act on them.
Other posters have said it won't stop here and they are right. When we found out I was expecting, MIL and step-dad made it all about them becoming grand-parents and treated me like a vessel. After we got out of hospital, they came to visit, saw the baby whilst I was in the shower trying to make myself decent for them and left without seeing or congratulating me after a difficult birth.
I'm now mum to 2 boys and I hope I won't be the MIL from hell when they get married. I have 2 sisters but I only get on with one who we have appointed as guardian, so if the size of the wedding allows, I'd like her to be there.
I'm also auntie to 9 children. I'm only godmother to one of them. If they invite me, I'll be happy but, if they don't, I don't think I'll be offended. We live far and don't see them much. It will be their wedding and I hope in this day and age they will have a chance to do what they want. (Your MIL may not have had the day she wanted for herself but that's not your problem.)
If your partner is worth it, OK, but brace yourself.

My grandparents had all passed away by the time I was 13 so I was very close to my aunts and uncles and in turn was treated like a grandchild by most of them so they all came to our wedding.
It all depends how your DH feels about not having his aunt there

YANBU she is. Its not your fault youve got more close family than ur partner thats just the way it is. Its your wedding and so if you only want close family there it really doesnt matter weather the number is equal on both sides. x

She needs to take a 'none of your business' pill and get her beak out...in my humbly offered opinion...

Be strong and just tell her you're inviting who you want to be there. I had this a bit with MY mum- esp if you're paying. Your MIL NEEDS TO BUTT OUT! Good luck honey. Have an amazing wedding day.

It's your wedding - do it your way - as long as the pair of you are in agreement ignore anything that doesn't fit in with what you both want. I wish you well for the day, and for a long healthy happy future :)

Tell DP that you are putting the wedding on hold.

Explain to him that as much as you love be him, you are not having your life dictated to by his Mother because he defers to her demands.

Tell him that either you & he are a couple and make decisions together, or he can be single again & defer to his Mum. He CANNOT play both sides.

Honestly, this HAS to be played out now or your life will be a total misery.

Be prepared to walk away because if he's not prepared to stand with you now & do what the pair of you want you are in for YEARS of manipulation & drama.

What is it with MILs and weddings..I'm not the swearing kind, but I'd be inclined to fire off a few Fs in their direction on this one!
Your wedding..your guest list. Assuming you and your fiancé are both in agreement of course. Nobody else's agreement matters.
My own controlling MIL scuppered her own daughter's wedding years ago. Had taken it over as she does with everything in their lives, and literally scared the intended groom off into oblivion. He called off the wedding and they broke up, saying he had enough to deal with in his own family, let alone take on one even more over bearing! Who could blame him. They're a nightmare.
She's still got her 'girls' in her grip..and it's taken years of issues and close calls on our relationship for DH to be able to distance himself from her hold. Thankfully now very much at arms length. Hope you guys work it out between you xx

You are entering into a kind of relationship where you will have to make adjustments and compromises to not to sour the relationships as it can come back and become a permanent sore in your marriage. Big problems start with petty arguments.
Having said that, i do not think you are being unfair. It seems very fair to me.
It could be very important for your MIL to invite her sister or she might be feeling pressured to invite her. However, I suggest that you let your dp sort it out and after having your views and wishes clearly communicated(without a tinge of anger) stay out of it. If he feels inclinned towards it due to his mother then be ready to have an open mind.
It is not a competition that you have to win.
After so many highs and lows of 18 years of my marriage and now as a content woman, I can tell you that either you both will win or you both will loose.
I hope it gets sorted out the way you wish and you both have a lovely wedding.
Congratulations!

When I married my husband we had more on my side than his. He invited who he wanted there and did not seek to make up the numbers. She is being ridiculous. It is not your fault you have a bigger family nor that they have a smaller one. She is acting like five year old in the playground!

I think traditionally parents invited guests to their children's weddings - but now it's more common for the bride and groom to invite - cutting out a generation -

MIL may not have had the wedding she wanted - because of her parents - so sees this as her chance now

Don't get pulled into something you're not happy with

When me and my stbxh got married my mil wanted a say in certain things (she wanted a sit down meal and a bus between venues, which we couldn't afford and she wasn't offering to pay for). I did end up telling her that it was our wedding not hers, but it did take the shine off things, and the fact that there had been conflict actually added to the 'sides' issue on the day. She wasn't the reason we split up in the end, but his loyalties were a real sticking point in the relationship and there was a lot of heartache because of it. I'm not mil bashing, I wasn't a perfect dil by any means, but it does strain a marriage when family values don't match up. Whatever you do op, very best of luck!