MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

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Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

Hey no you are not. We done the exact same. I call it my 'family bubble'. Those we see on a regular basis and not just at parties or scheduled family meets. My MIL was the same and I said if she didn't like it she didn't have to participate. OK that did cause a wee family rift but she eventually relented when I refused to back down. After all it was our day as it is yours. Good luck xxx

You are not being unreasonable. It is not about equal numbers that is just pedantic. My MIL cannot be bothered to come to our wedding so I can sympathise!

Other thing - "making up the numbers" make it sound like the MIL is going to be stood alone in front of a hoard of the OP's family. It's four people.

This is your wedding so your MIL shouldn't get a say. Actually you and your DP get to make the decisions.
However. I've been on the other side of this because my husbands family is huge compared to mine. We did decide to have equal numbers even though I had trouble filling my side and he had to leave out cousins. It just seemed more fair and it was easier to do seating plan 😆
I think you should ignore your MIL but ask your DP his opinion on what she has said. It's understandable you like your family and want them there and aren't so bothered about his distant family you've never met but a wedding is about both families. Not just people the bride likes.

I agree with the others, it's your wedding! My xmil insisted her daughter (precious last born) was my bridesmaid and after a year of both her and my xsil ranting and stropping I finally gave in. Big mistake!

Do what makes you and your stbdh happy

YANBU.

We had big wedding, with lots of friends there, but for family we included parents, siblings, aunts&uncles and their direct descendants plus partners, subject to them living in the UK (otherwise it would have got silly). That gave us four guests on my side and fifty-odd on DH's. We made an exception for my cousin (who happened to be travelling in the UK at the time) plus her travelling companion, so that made it six from my side!

So you risk offending your MIL OP. Tough!! If she has her way you risk offending your aunts and uncles etc when they see the wedding pics! Who would you rather offend? Simples.
Good luck

What does you DP say? I think it's sad if there are disagreements about who comes to the wedding. Yes, it is your big day, but people that have loved you and watched you grow up, want to join in celebrating your special day.
Why cause arguments for the sake of it? However, if this isn't a first marriage, then I understand why you wouldn't always want a big wedding. Personally I think the more the merrier for weddings and do it with class but cheaply, if that's a reason you only want a few people there. It's supposed to be a wonderful celebration!

I totally agree with the OP you are both inviting the same relations, you just happen to have more of them. That is fair. However all these comments regarding the fact that she has had her own wedding. Yes she probably has but please remember her parents probably had complete control of it. Our generation actually had very little say in our own weddings. Mine was full of odd relatives I'd hardly met. Parents did often pay for most of it and so felt entitled to ask who they wanted. Now that tradition has mostly changed but some parents have not quite caught up with that yet I think!

This is why you don't tell family who has been invited.

My PIL tried something similar (sent us a typed up guest list with loads of people DH wouldn't have known in the street) but luckily DH managed to explain nicely that it was our party and they were our guests, not the hosts. We didn't want any financial contribution from them, which obviously made it easier to have full control over the day we both wanted. To be fair to them, they haven't overstepped the mark since and have been nothing-but-nice model PIL's. Perhaps because we set the tone early on!

YANBU - Your wedding, invite who YOU want to invite.

YANBU just parents & siblings/partners we had 18 one side, 6 the other.

Wow some rather nasty comments on here about MILs! I have 3 sons so I am always going to be one - I would like to think I will keep out of it but it will be sad too. I think she should comply with your wishes (who is paying for it?) if you are paying then you have every right to do as you please but if his parents are paying then I do understand her point. I got married 14 years ago and it all seemed so bloody important at the time but I tried to keep everyone happy - I even had my husbands bitch ex girlfriend there who scowled at me all evening. 14 years later I'm much tougher and with 3 kids and all their current expenses I really wish we had just eloped and had no biggish wedding. In a few years time it will all be ancient history so do whatever you feel is best for you and your hubby. Maybe give your MIL something nice to do to make up for it - could she help you pick the flowers or get involved in the prep. Have a lovely wedding!

Jojofjo44 - This is why you don't tell family who has been invited.

In principal i agree totally with this. Trouble is when from the very outset it's only ever going to be (for example) parents, siblings and spouses from each side, (and maybe one friend each) who are going to get an invite it becomes common knowledge quite quickly one way or another. And then the gentle prodding questions start ....

MsMarple's post says it all. Start as you mean to go on. Could be setting yourself up for trouble otherwise.
Next thing, she'll be telling you how many children to have / not have - just so the numbers are equal on each side of the family. It's that ridiculous.

YANBU.

Our wedding consisted of the following:

My Side: My mum, my grandad, my uncle, my best friend and her boyfriend,

DH's side: His mum, stepdad, brother, sister, friend, his brothers two children, his sisters son.

Plus our daughter.

It sounds fair. It would be different if you were inviting your grandparent and not one of his, for example. But you've obviously included siblings, parents and grand parents on both sides.

YANBU my MIL thought she could invite everyone who had invited her & FIL to their children's weddings resulting in a list of 20 people me & exDH didn't know! When we told her the total number of guests was limited to 40 she said 'but how am I going to tell them they're not invited?'!!!
It's your wedding inviting a few more on her side of the family will then end up as 'but if we invite Auntie & Uncle X we will simply have to invite Auntie Y & Cousin Z or they will be offended'

Lone voice here but invite her sister so she has a witness to her son's day. Your interpretation of fair is too literal

I think my DDs "family" is different to who I count as my " family".
She doesn't know my aunt nor my cousins. So the couples interpretation of family is different to the parents.

I think you and you DH2B need to sit down with this woman and explain to her:

a) This is not her wedding
b) Weddings are not about numbers. Even numbers matter in competitive things like sports, not in celebrations of love and two families joining together. If she sees it as a contest, that's her issue. How is it anyone's fault how many children our parents/grandparents decided to have?

It is important for both of you to sit down and talk with her otherwise MIL will think it is you trying to drive a wedge - if you DH2B tells her she will think you put him up to it. If you are both there, as a team, it will be hard but she will see you are both in agreement. Do not let her divide and conquer. Besides, as husband and wife you two are going to be a team.

At my wedding, I had 9 people from my side of the family, which included my parents and my sister and we invited immediate family but also aunts,uncles and cousins (but only immediate ones - no second cousins or aunts/uncles) plus we invited 2 friends each (excluding DH's best man and my single bridesmaid). My husbands side saw 23 of his side against my 9. My Uncle and Grandmother died when I was little, and my maternal grandfather died some years ago. My husband has 3 aunts who all have kids, and he also has 2 brothers. Nobody (myself included) thought it was 'unfair' that one person had more, or less on their 'side' than the other. That kind of thinking is petty and stupid. As I say even numbers do not matter at a wedding and that your MIL thinks so suggest a competative streak - she see's this not as a wedding but as some kind of battlefield - some place where she can prove her superiority. Don't let her do it!

Kr1stina

Your MIL isn't being fair as she only had 2 children and your mother had 4. She should have planned ahead if she wanted to get her money's worth out of any future family weddings.

YANBU if you invited her sister but not the other aunts and uncles then there will be noses out out of joint there too.
Stbdh needs to have a chat with his mother and explain.
We had the other thing with ours MIL wouldn't invite any of their friends - not even her BFF - all very odd. I regret not just inviting her anyway but I didn't know her well enough.
Do what you want to do and have a wonderful day xx

Noses PUT out of joint. Sorry!