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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:

MidnightAura · 06/11/2016 02:36

Ewe and Altiaria

We never cancelled our wedding, we did consider changing venue but didnt. In our case though the four extra guests we had never invited- my in laws did (and booked them a hotel) They also said they didn't want to come as they wouldn't know anyone which is bollocks as they know my parents.

We had a small wedding of twenty. My In laws and brother in law chose not to attend, devastating my DH and we haven't spoke since to them. But in spite of that we had a good day. We got married which is the most important thing of all. I still can't believe they ignore their sons wedding for such a silly reason but we don't regret sticking to our guns.

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP. I hope your in laws are a bit more considerate.

MimiSunshine · 06/11/2016 04:04

Mil sister isn't the only auntie in the game though is she?

Your Fil has siblings and I bet your parents do too. Therefore you or rather your STBDH points out that it wouldn't be 'fair' to only invite this one aunt and in any case if you did widen the circle your side would still have more guests so no dice mil 😏

itlypocerka · 06/11/2016 06:49

Stand firm OP and have the wedding that you and DP want. You are being perfectly fair. If she continues to complain go with the suggestion someone else made upthread - tell her that if she keeps moaning you'll cut the guest list down to 2 people - the witnesses - which won't include her.

Laiste · 06/11/2016 07:33

Another YANBU. Let him be the one to sort it out firmly with his mother though, otherwise you'll spend the rest of you life in her eyes being ''The DIL Who Wouldn't Let Her Son Invite His Family To His Wedding''

DHs brothers wedding was held abroad across 3 venues and 3 days costing over 20k. It was lovely but a million miles away from what DH and i wanted. We planned our little wedding: we wanted a v/small do, lovely quiet venue, accepting up to 25 guests, wedding + meal under one roof, all over with by 6pm.

DHs family is enormous and mine is small. I invited ALL mine and it came to about 10. DH 'took' the other 15 or so spaces. It was all immediate family same as OP really. DHs family have a lot of big piss ups parties and neither of us wanted our wedding to turn into just another ''[DHs family name] do'' with it's usual attendant arguments, controversy and hilarious stories churned out for years about who drunkenly clobbered who - which is really would have done. MIL was very unimpressed. She kept on asking DH the same question - aren't you inviting cousin so and so? Aren't you inviting Uncle do dah? Agghh! No! Issues of number inequality with my side apart he didn't even like half these people let alone want them at his wedding! We did it our way and she did get over it. Four years on wedding frets are all long forgotten as grand children start to arrive which is much more exciting than one day's party and we're all getting on fine

Basicbrown · 06/11/2016 07:45

Tbh I'd just invite the aunt and uncle if she feels strongly about it. It's only 2 people. I must admit I consider my uncle to be immediate family anyway and I would be upset if someone suggested otherwise. I would be really really upset if one of my dds got married and didn't invite him. I guess though it's probably different if the aunts/ uncles are married and had children, which may well colour my view on this.

Basicbrown · 06/11/2016 07:54

But perhaps it's also because in smaller families aunts and uncles often are immediate family?

Rowgtfc72 · 06/11/2016 08:03

We had a small wedding, we invited my dad, dh parents and partners and his sister came over as a surprise from Australia. Didn't even invite my brother as we were just going to do it on the quiet.
I have lots of cousins, it would have completely changed what we wanted.
Your wedding, your invites.

Basicbrown · 06/11/2016 08:12

Your wedding, your invites.

Even if it will really hurt someone who is lovely and sees you as their family? I get that you didn't want to invite all your cousins but this isn't what is being asked for. Some people don't even have cousins and family dynamics are different.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/11/2016 08:15

If you were to invite more I'd say how bout a friend or two, of yours and DP's.
I don't get why it seems to be all about families.
What about the other people in your lives?
Seems more grown up to me to include some of your own friends - and maybe helps too with the diff sides of the family thing?

Headofthehive55 · 06/11/2016 08:17

We had this too. Only the numbers were exactly equal....

curr78 · 06/11/2016 08:26

Your being totally fair it's not ur fault that she has a smaller family ,
My daughters getting married and we invited only ppl she talks to and knows thus means my oh family she has had full contact since birth are getting invited only aunts uncles (cousins to evening reception ) but my family who would walk past her in the street are not being invited my mum is furious about this as she would like her 6 siblings and wives /husbands to attend my view us weddings are about ppl you like snd care for it isnt and shouldn't be a free for all I have told my mum tough if it upsets her too much she doesn't need to go either ( we don't have an Excellant relationship)

TheCatsMother99 · 06/11/2016 08:31

YANBU.

At the end of the day, it's yours and your DH'S wedding so whatever it is that you both want then you should have. It's not your MIL'S wedding, she's had hers (presumably), so she should back off.

PikachuSayBoo · 06/11/2016 08:33

She's bonkers. Immediate family is quite normal for small weddings.

My dad had me and my brother at his second wedding. Step mum had her kids and her six brothers/sisters with their spouses. So very lopsided but quite understandable.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 06/11/2016 08:48

OP if there is any bad feeling, it will have been caused by your mil, stand firm. If you give in to this she will continue in this vein with lots of other issues going forward as she will believe that she can get her own way if she goes on about it enough.
Put your foot down now, or even better your dh's foot

StarryIllusion · 06/11/2016 08:53

It doesn't have to be fair, it's your wedding, your choice, its not a fucking democracy.

BaggyCheeks · 06/11/2016 09:06

YANBU. We're doing the same - parents and siblings/in-law only. Our grandparents are all deceased. We agreed we wanted a small wedding, and found that we very quickly got up to 50 guests by the time we discussed "Well x invited us to their wedding, and you see them at work/they're friends with y so they're not really in your friend group", so we drew the line at immediate family. There'll be 4 guests on my side, 7 on DP's side, and our two children. Small but perfect.

ArvidsDaddy · 06/11/2016 17:30

Your MILs would like to invite a couple more who she considers close to make up the numbers. Why not grant her that wish and make it a joyful day for all? The numbers don't but also do matter - it only matters if someone is bothered. If your MIL is, I think it is not unimaginable to have a few more guests. It is also wise for the harmony years ahead...

Lemonwhacker · 06/11/2016 17:30

YANBU - Your mother in law is out of her mind, have the wedding you and your DP want. Do not let her control your wedding or life and if you want to move abroad do so.

MrsSnootch · 06/11/2016 17:30

No YANBU, it is your wedding. Your MIL is stepping way over the mark here!

Shona52 · 06/11/2016 17:31

Hate people that think equal numbers mean it's fair. I don't think one extra couple on your side should make any difference. Unless your dp is very close to this couple then it's for your mil benefit she wants them there.

Might be easier in the long run if you can live with it do. But it is an important issue then say no

Flatscissors · 06/11/2016 17:38

Give in now and you'll be on the back foot for the rest of your marriage.

It's your wedding, do it how you both want to.

IMHO YANBU.

Sandyrose10 · 06/11/2016 17:39

Unfair to who...? Can't really be fairer than that tbh, there's no ambiguity the way you've done it. It's not her day so she isn't entitled to an opinion.

EllenMP · 06/11/2016 17:42

While it is your right to decide who comes to your wedding, is it really worth upsetting your future MIL? She is your future husband's mother, and I would not antagonise a close family member for the sake of winning this one. It's your wedding, but parents (even parents of boys) dream about seeing their children get married and look forward to the day too. If it would make her happy to have her sister there, why not make her happy? Also, you may not know this aunt, but your husband probably does, and if she was around when he was growing up she may be very sad not to see him get married. I say think about the opportunity you have to share your joy with those to whom it would be meaningful to be there for your wedding. Older relatives often care more about the younger generation than the young generation appreciates. If you have aunts or uncles that have been a positive part of your life, maybe open your guest list a bit and invite them too. You will still be having the small family wedding you wanted and you will enable people who care about you and your partner to share your happiness.

DaisyBernardMimiTinker · 06/11/2016 17:43

YANBU!!

WARNING!
Do not give into wretched MIL... we did and four years later and two children she is still demanding things and expecting us to do exactly as she wants.

If you give in to her tantrums now you are making a rod for your own back. MILs are like toddlers but without the cuteness/ likeability. Speaking from experience please stick to your guns it's your wedding you decide who attends!

Mother86 · 06/11/2016 17:44

I'd be very upset if I wasn't invited to my niece / nephews weddings.
But if you and your partner want just immediate family then stick to it and don't let anyone bully you into changing it.

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