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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:

iMogster · 07/11/2016 15:45

YANBU. My biggest worry is the fact he has sided with them over you and I expect this means he will do again.

My SIL and her DP wanted the usual 50% her friends and family and 50% his friends and family at their wedding. His father demanded he have everyone there and her DP just rolled over and let it happen. My SIL was very upset as she had a much bigger wedding than she wanted and there were loads of people there she had never met!

Every year SIL and DH go to his parents for Christmas (about 5 days away) because he still can't say no to his father.

BerylStreep · 07/11/2016 16:43

We had a relatively small wedding compared to DH's sisters (still about 65 people, but compared to approx 200 at each of theirs).

DH said from the outset that he couldn't bear to have a repeat of his sisters' weddings, as it was all his parents' friends. We paid for the wedding ourselves so that this couldn't happen.

MIL made a song and dance about inviting some cousin of hers, along with her husband. Went on and on, tears, said this cousin was like the sister she had never had, blah de blah. We had never even heard of them, let alone met them.

We relented, and they turned up to the wedding - we have never seen them again in the intervening 14 years. When I think about it, it still pisses me off. However, it hasn't had any lasting impact on our marriage! I suppose what helped was that we both agreed the randomers could come - I would have been mightily pissed off if it had been a unilateral decision.

mammamic · 07/11/2016 17:13

When it comes to occasions like this, as much as we'd like to insist that it is 'our day' - it isn't really. It's also our parents' day.

We had a similar issue so we had small immediate-ish and best friends' only wedding (9 my side, 10 his) and we went to Jamaica for this (which stopped further discussion from my mum who had a guest list nearing 200!!!).

When we were back in the UK we had a massive party and told all parents they could invited as many people as they wanted. We did a posh buffet, drinks on arrival, money behind the bar - and when it ran out, that was it, champagne toast but all other drinks were at guests' expense. We had around 280 guests and everyone loved it - still say it was one of the best weddings they've been to.

We wouldn't have chosen the massive party but did it for the families so they could invited whomever they chose.

congrats and have a great day - that's the most important thing

DonaldTrumpsWig · 08/11/2016 00:11

"The thought of a load of people I dont know staring at me all day fills me with dread. How do you compromise on something like this?"

You don't. You stick to your guns and tell your fiancé the wedding's off if you don't stick with the original plan you both agreed. Does he really want to turn your wedding into a stress filled nightmare for you?

You really need to stand up to MIL now or it will only get worse and you can look forward to a lifetime of DH caving in every time his mum throws her toys out of the pram! (Talking of which, what will it be like if you have kids and MIL starts laying the law down about her views on child rearing?)

I'd draw a line in the sand now and don't be swayed until your fiancé agrees to go back to your original plan.

SouthWindsWesterly · 08/11/2016 06:10

Stick to your guns. Give your DP a day or so to get over the evening. With his parents and then quite simply out your case to the point of saying no. It's my your fault your family is bigger, this isn't what you both decided you wanted and as your both paying for it (I think I read that upthread) then talk what you both want not family members.

Remember - if you don't stick to your guns now, God knows what will happen if later there is DC.

Have you booked a venue? Book a small one with limited capacity.

Basicbrown · 11/11/2016 18:10

I really, really cannot get my head around the fact that people cannot see those with smaller families may consider aunts and uncles to BE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

Your DP also has to be happy it is equally his wedding - are you sure that he was happy with the original plan?

Vandree · 11/11/2016 18:48

Personally I would relent and agree to invite your DP's auntie. For the sake of family harmony I would understand that many parents see a wedding as a family event as their child is getting married and they want to involve the family in that day. Of course you have visions of how you want your day to be but I would compromise and say that as MIL is close to her sister you would like to invite them but as the venue/budget etc is very limited there will be no others invited on the day. Also mention if you invite X then you have to invite x,y,z on their side and then would have to invite a,b,c on your side and it would snow ball.

Slightly different in that dh's parents had both died and he didn't have many extended family but my parents were insistent that because our side of the family was much larger that dh have anyone who he wanted there. So while my side was filled with many many many aunties, uncles and cousins his side was filled with work friends, college friends and the parents of childhood friends who he knew his parents would have invited and to him were a link to his parents. The wedding did end up a bit larger than it started out but we just accepted it. I am very close to my aunts and cousins so wouldn't contemplate not inviting them although I did have to pick and chose from the cousins I was closest too as I have nearly 70 cousins on my mams side. There are a few I regret not inviting now 10 years later because it did sour some relations a bit although I was 100% set on not inviting them at the time and I wish I wasn't such a weapon at the time lol.

Damelo · 11/11/2016 19:01

I woudl as well.

People from big families are lucky. They just show up and it's a party. Mhy family is small. I get why she wants her sister there to pad out her 'tribe'

NotYoda · 11/11/2016 19:01

Basic

Well you might consider them immediate family, but can you consider some of them to be immediate family, and some of them not ? Because that's the situation here - that's what the MIL wants

Basicbrown · 11/11/2016 20:29

No I can't, not when perhaps they don't have their own children. It feels to me here that the op is dictating to her do over her definition of 'immediate family' and everyone else is just MIL bashing. Perhaps she is a pita but I don't think that inviting the aunt and uncle is unreasonable personally. The op dictating he can't because it fits her neat definition of 'immediate family's is. I wouldn't stand for it if I was her do, who feels differently.

Basicbrown · 11/11/2016 20:30

I define who my immediate family are. End of conversation.

BaggyCheeks · 11/11/2016 23:03

No one is saying you can't basic, they're pointing out that you can't force your definition on others.

The OP is trying to draw a line because they're trying to keep the guests to a minimum, and can't justify inviting one aunt and not all the other aunts and uncles who she views as similar relations.

NotYoda · 12/11/2016 07:01

Basic

If the OP invites some aunts and uncles and not others, it she who'll get criticised, not the MIL. This is what happened to me. So in addressing one problem, another is created

NotYoda · 12/11/2016 07:03

&Basic8. Hope you are still listening, or is it "end of conversation"

Basicbrown · 12/11/2016 20:37

If the OP invites some aunts and uncles and not others, it she who'll get criticised, not the MIL. This is what happened to me. So in addressing one problem, another is created

But she doesn't want to invite her aunt/ uncle her do does. Unfortunately like it or like it not having a very small wedding has the risk of this bad feeling. I wouldn't marry anyone who told me I couldn't invite my uncle to my wedding....

Just saying, it's DP's wedding as well and all the trilling of 'do what you want hun' on this thread is just imo.

Basicbrown · 12/11/2016 20:37

DP not DO stupid phone

happypoobum · 12/11/2016 20:44

I agree with PP suggesting you elope.

It's often the best solution in this sort of situation. However, if DP is going to morph into a mummys boy do you still want to marry him?

RedGrapeCornSnake · 12/11/2016 21:44

OP this was me nearly 16 years ago. Not quite the same wedding drama but certainly similar with MIL pushing her opinion on to DH and I. It took me nearly 10 years of having my opinion pushed to the bottom of the pile before I seriously fought back. DH and I nearly split up and it took a move of country to get us back on track. I'm still very bitter.

Put your foot down now, tell your DH to be that it's a decision for just the 2 of you to make. At some point he'll have to man the fuck up or him putting his mum above you will destroy your relationship

Mumof2fablittlemonkeys · 13/11/2016 11:45

Yanbu it is your special day. Take it from someone who's wedding day was ruined by her now sil and mil as me and my dh ended up giving into them and their demands and we have regretted it ever since, we paid for our day and ended up having 15 more guests than we really wanted, including a child who screamed throughout the ceremony and wedding speeches. Stick to your guns, I may be considered foolish but to me it is a privilege to be invited to witness such a special occasion and people should do what the bride and groom want, it's their day. I hope you manage to have a wonderful day and marriage.

Mumof2fablittlemonkeys · 13/11/2016 12:12

Oh and just to say my dh is the one with the large family and already had more at our wedding as a result

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 22/11/2016 19:17

EnoughAlready that really is more than enough. How rude the poor MIL doesn't sound as bad as you're making out. It's your wedding, your rules. Just explain why or rather ask DP explain this. I'm sure if he has a chat it'll be fine. Unless she is close to her sister and perhaps your mum is close to her siblings it might be nice. I'd want my sister at my children's wedding when they're grown up. We are very close. However your DP not being very close it does sound a bit weird.

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