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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 05/11/2016 19:00

I remember MidnightAura's post as well. Did wonder how that turned out in the end, after such outrageously entitled behavior by her inlaws. Sounds like you're well rid of them being in your lives.

JustSpeakSense · 05/11/2016 19:13

YANBU

That would be very unfair to your aunts and uncles who didn't get an invite.

It's not a show 'each family get 10 free tickets' she's bonkers

JustSpeakSense · 05/11/2016 19:15

YANBU

That would be very unfair to your aunts and uncles who didn't get an invite.

It's not a show 'each family get 10 free tickets' she's bonkers

daisypond · 05/11/2016 19:15

YANBU. I only had 2 guests to my wedding (my parents) and DH had none (his had both died), and our 3 children. That was it. We didn't even invite siblings, not because we disliked any of them, but we wanted a small wedding, and we didn't want to put people to lots of trouble - they all live hundreds of miles away and abroad.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/11/2016 19:23

Is she going to pay for it all ?
Seriously, you are not being unreasonable, in the slightest.
Have a wonderful wedding, celebrate with the people of your choice.
MIL, has had her day !

Skylander01 · 05/11/2016 19:45

I dont see the problem with allowing your MIL a few invites! Mine did! The wedding is a family occasion, but the wedding night is yours and your DP's to do with whatever you want! A couple of extra guests wont hurt you - unless it's about money - then ask her to contribute?

HappyAxolotl · 05/11/2016 19:51

So what are you supposed to do, bump off a few of your family to even up the numbers?

Go on lockdown from now on. She gets told where and when the wedding is and her input is to show up or not. Don't share anything and then the Bat Crap Crackers Brigade don't get a say.

CheerfulYank · 05/11/2016 20:11

YANBU. As someone said it's the same "tier" of people being invited.

You can't go tit for tat on numbers. Like if you had three siblings, and he had five, you can't be like "Okay that means I get two cousins" etc. It's madness.

Tell her no.

Ginslinger · 05/11/2016 20:29

isn't one of the reasons for a wedding party to get to know your new family - that's why there's a get together to introduce people?

Kittenrush · 05/11/2016 20:34

I really feel for you, I have one of those. You really must get DP to fight this battle though. It isn't your reaponsibility. I know he doesn't want to create a fuss but that shouldn't leave it all down to you. He must stand up to her!!

questioningitall · 05/11/2016 20:36

Frankly that is one of the most fucking ridiculous things I've ever heard. No YANBU. She is. And is obv slightly unhinged.

Crunchymum · 05/11/2016 20:40

I could kind of understand if there was a massive difference in numbers of immediate family (ie you are one of 8 kids and they all have 8 kids and your fiancé is an only child) but in this instance it's not applicable. Tell MIL to feck off!!

Original poster
5432112345 · 05/11/2016 21:15

Ginslinger - I see what you're saying but we've been together for 8 years, if I dont know them now im not sure meeting at our wedding is going to start off some great close relationship. The family that we do see have all met each other, our parents know each other pretty well. There is a SIL on each side who are actually good friends. That is one of the reasons we want it to be immediate family because we all know each other and get on well. Having the extended families there would it make it more separated I think as each would talk to their own family.

OP posts:
DilapidatedGlamourpuss · 05/11/2016 21:23

Don't give in OP. Have the wedding you both want. My MIL did this and more and to the point I have had to cut all contact with her. Stick to your guns politely. Good luck!

Ohyesiam · 05/11/2016 21:29

Two things come to mind,

It's not a sport, you do he need equal teams

And

She's had her wedding, she needs to let you h have yours.

Bluntness100 · 05/11/2016 21:33

Have him tell him mum and no you're not being unreasonable, she is.

nauticant · 05/11/2016 21:57

You've already got a good grip of this OP:
a) ensure DP is completely on side;
b) certain categories of guests only with no exceptions; and
c) refuse to grant voting shares in controlling the wedding in exchange for money (if you have the means to do this).

Keep on that track and you can have lots of fun doing concerned faces with MIL saying "well, as you know, the wedding will be [within these parameters] but I am so sad to hear that you didn't sleep last night and you're thinking of going to your GP".

FleurThomas · 05/11/2016 22:51

Who's paying for all of this? If you are, fine. Your say. If they and your family are paying halves then it should be their say who's invited.

Piscivorus · 05/11/2016 22:57

My FIL tried similar with ours, insisting equal number from each side but they have a tiny family and mine is huge so they'd have been inviting anyone who they'd ever met and we'd have had to leave close-ish family out. DH told him that was not how it would be and he backed down without too much hassle

MissVictoria · 05/11/2016 23:09

If i ever get married, the only people i'm having attend is my dad and my sister. My mum died and after her death her side of the family cut us out of their lives. My dads family weren't ever close and i barely saw them even growing up. DP has one sibling also, but both parents, but they are split up. If he wanted to invite his parents, i'd be ok with his dads long term girlfriend of 5+ years attending, but his mum hasn't settled down and has had a string of boyfriends, and i wouldn't invite anyone she hadn't been with seriously for at least a year. Even though that means i have 2 guests and he had up to 5, it's just immediate family. That said i would really like a ceremony on an italian beach, so be small numbers anyway.

minsmum · 05/11/2016 23:28

Don't back down. My dm was awful when we got married, so we gave in to her demand to have my niece as flower girl. She said she would pay for the dress, never did. She wanted people I don't like and my dh has never met invited we said no so she stole some invitations and sent them. There was much more don't be me say no and mean it. By the way we paid for everything ourselves just so we could have the wedding we wanted

Wolpertinger · 05/11/2016 23:35

It's your wedding.

My wedding was small - we did parents, siblings + partners, nephews and nieces.

DH's list: 10
My list: 1

On this basis I got to do 2 aunts and uncles, plus had a slightly bigger friends list than DH.

As soon as MIL found out I had aunts and uncles coming, she wanted to invite various people DH had met once for 2 minutes 20 years ago who probably didn't want to come anyway.

We said no very firmly and pointed out the discrepancy in numbers. It wasn't mentioned again.

llangennith · 05/11/2016 23:51

It's your wedding not your MIL's. Both my DDs and DS were free to invite whomsoever they wanted to their wedding. That was the sentiment of both me and their in-laws. If it was to be a big wedding then of course extended family could be invited, but it's not.

HeddaGarbled · 06/11/2016 00:02

One thing you could do is not to have "sides" for the ceremony. It used to be the tradition to seat groom's family one side and bride's family the other so with your situation that would mean 10 on one side and 5 on the other which is emphasising the imbalance.

I think this is your fiance's call and I would completely back out of the discussion/argument and leave him to deal with it.

passportmess · 06/11/2016 00:14

YANBU. My mil and sil threw tantrums when we said we were only having immediate family at our wedding. Apparently we 'had' to invite all the US aunts, uncles and cousins. Sil actually stood up from the dinner table to yell at us. We stuck to our plans of immediate family only - only to find mil invited friends of hers along on the day, one of whom was assigned to video the event, all without our permission. We are no contact with them now after years of similar behaviour since! Grin